Pokemon GO Not Allowed in Republican National Convention

It’s official: the popular augmented reality smartphone app Pokemon GO will NOT be allowed in the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.

“We can’t afford to have our delegates wandering around the Convention center, searching for Pokespots, collecting Pokeballs, or trying to cover distance so they can incubate and hatch Pokemon eggs during scheduled speeches,” stated House Speaker Paul Davis Ryan. “It’s been difficult to find speakers willing to dedicate time from their usually idle daily schedules to speak at the convention as is.”

Ryan acknowledged that in the past, games and other entertainment had been allowed at the convention.

“Republican delegates do need to keep themselves entertained during the typically 45 minute long speeches or sessions,” he acknowledged. “It’s tough on their attention span to listen to an entire speech, particularly because they already know that Latinos are rapists and Muslims are terrorists.”

However, this time, unprecedented precautions needed to be taken.

“Cleveland, Ohio is an open-carry state,” explained Ryan. “It may be too dangerous if a delegate wanders off mistakenly outside the premises, lured by a lucrative Pokemon capture at a landmark, and gets accidentally shot. Hence the Pokemon GO ban.”

What are the chances of such an accidental death?

“It’s hard to tell,” said Ryan. “It is illegal to collect data on gun deaths, so, fortunately, we have no idea.”

But he acknowledged that it’s prudent to exercise basic precaution.

“Any random gun owner out there may be drunk, or upset, or even intentionally homicidal,” he said. “We can’t just risk delegates getting outside unprotected when they feel they want to toss a few Pokeballs around.”

Still, he expressed confidence that security was doing all they could. Specifically, the entrants to the convention’s 1.7 square mile secure zone are prohibited from bringing, swords, hatchets, axes, slingshots, BB guns, pellet guns, kinder eggs and metal knuckles (read full list of prohibited items in the CNN article here) and now, the Pokemon GO app.

Entrants are, naturally, still allowed to openly hold live firearms (refer to same CNN article here for confirmation).

“Of course, ” said Ryan. “Absolutely, positively, 100%, of course. We are not going to infringe on the Second Amendment, or, alternatively, ever risk to upset our sponsor, the NRA, who wants to make sure no one, ever, under any circumstance, is prevented from purchasing a lethal weapon.”

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Article is based on following CNN story: Security Fears Mount Ahead of GOP Convention
Also relevant: RNC, Guns OK, Tennis Balls Not

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Amazed Marco Rubio Visits the United States Capitol

A wide-eyed Marco Rubio, Junior U.S. Senator from Florida and former contender for the Republican presidential nomination, was seen entering the United States Capitol early Thursday morning.

“Wow,” he was heard saying, shaking his head in amazement. “Just wow! Such an awesome building!”

Rubio’s visit lasted more than an hour, during which the U.S. Senator spend time marveling at the art and murals displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, as well as admiring the magnificent fresco painted on the interior of the Capital Dome by the Italian/Greek American artist Constantino Brumidi in 1865.

“I’m so glad I took this trip,” Rubio told reporters. “Seeing this historic building with my own eyes has been a transforming experience. I will surely remember this moment for the rest of my life.”

The reason for Rubio’s trip has been his recent consideration whether or not he should seek another term as a U.S. Senator.

“It’s a tough decision,” confessed Rubio, “but seeing the building where I’m supposed to be working might just tilt the balance one way or the other.”

Rubio admitted that while serving as a U.S. senator he had had multiple opportunities to visit the Capitol and even vote during some of the numerous sessions of Congress which had taken place while he was a U.S. Senator. However, he had not found the time or interest to take advantage of these opportunities earlier.

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he lamented, “and this place is kind of far from where I live. But who knows, maybe I’ll run for Senator again, and maybe I’ll end up visiting this place a second time at some point in the future. It’s worth it, it’s totally worth it!”

He pointed at “The Apotheosis of Washington“, an elaborate painting of a deified version of George Washington surrounded by 13 maidens, and at “Frieze of American History“, a similarly spectacular painting depicting the chronological history of the United States from the landing of Christopher Columbus to the first flight of the Wright Brothers.

“Someone spent a lot of time painting these,” he observed. “This wasn’t your regular paint-job contractor. Even I can tell that.”

Mr. Rubio’s visit may very well play a role in his upcoming decision. He plans to announce his future office plans within at most a few months.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

• Marco Rubio Outlines His Priority Agenda Items
• Marco Rubio Voted for Law Forcing Rape Victims to Publish Their Sexual History

 

 

Miss South Carolina 2007 on Trump’s Recent Debate

Today, Miss South Carolina 2007, a staunch supporter of Republican Presidential nominee Donald James Trump threw her weight behind Trump’s most recent discussion of the size of his hands, and the implication of that size for the size of his penis, during a nationally televised Republican debate.

“I personally believe,” Miss South Carolina said in an astounding display of clarity uncharacteristic of her when discussing other topics, “that Mr. Trump has a medium sized [penis]. The strange thing about it is this one piece of hanging foreskin, but that is ok if he just wants to be President.”

Asked to clarify what she means, Ms. South Carolina simply replied: “U.S. Americans are able to do so, such as.”

Asked if she came to her conclusions based solely on the size of Mr. Trump’s hands, Miss South Carolina said “Yes. I personally believe that.”

She was invited to comment on other candidates in the Republican race.

“That Mexican guy from Florida,” she said, referring to the Cuban Marco Rubio. “He has really big ears. I haven’t seen his [penis],” she said, “but from his ears, I can tell it’s really big.”

She declined to comment whether or not that would qualify him as a better candidate than Trump, since the interview was getting too long.

See a video of her discussing other important world issues.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

• Miss South Carolina 2007 to Support Donald Trump
• Christie Defends Trump’s Mention of Penis

 

Fox News to Support Cruz and Rubio for a Little Bit Longer

Fox News, the network that most accurately expresses the opinions of those who pay them to express these opinions, today stated that it would continue to support the two candidates that it has been paid to support at the moment, the Cuban Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, and the Cuban American Marco Antonio Rubio.

“Unfortunately, we can no longer throw our support behind John Ellis “Jeb” Bush,” lamented Fox News TV anchor Chris Wallace, “who was the candidate we had been paid to support up to until now. With the withdrawal of Mr. Bush from the race, this revenue stream has dried up.”

“We are, therefore, switching to the next best alternatives we have been paid to promote, namely, Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio.”

Pressed to comment on the unexpected surge of the TV reality show star Donald John Trump, Fox News threaded carefully.

“Well, look,” said Fox News TV Host Sean Patrick Hannity. “We have been told explicitly up to until now that Mr. Trump does not represent the views of those who have been paying us. However, we have to acknowledge, that sooner or later, those who have been paying us will have no choice, but to start supporting him, or face someone with innovative and progressive views to become President. With such a lack of choice, we expect to be paid to support Mr. Trump soon, in about a week or so.”

“It is therefore important,” said Hannity, “that we switch immediately from heavily criticizing Trump for his Nazi views, to casually reporting on him in an intentionally neutral way, while Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio continue to hope for a miracle that would bring them ahead in this competition.”

“When the week is over,” said Hannity, “and the money we’ve been paid to promote Cruz and Rubio also dries up, we will start our enthusiastic coverage of Mr. Trump, who, we expect, will become the unwitting only hope for those who pay for our opinions.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Republican Presidential Candidates Successfully Find Their Podiums

Republican Presidential candidates have surely come a long way: from a group of confused, disoriented contenders, to a group that can more or less find its way to the debate podium.

Their pre-debate walk to the podium before the Tuesday New Hampshire Primary was not without some amount of challenge. Ben Carson, the candidate who no one quite understands how he had actually been a brain surgeon at some point, stood still on the side of the stage instead of walking to the podium as he had been expected to do when his name was called. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, the Cuban Canadian who for some reason still believes he might be eligible to run for President, triumphantly walked past Carson, declaring victory to his supporters. Donald Trump, encouraged by Cruz’ blazing rush, took strategic position next to Carson, ready to storm to the stage while the name of water drinking Marco Rubio was being called out. No one seemed to remember what the name of the last candidate was, until someone looked it up.

Still, in less than three minutes, a record time for that group, the seven presidential candidates successfully took their positions at the debate stage, ready to discuss issues even more important than podium positioning.

Watch video of debate entrance

“We are proud of them,” said Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who is being paid to ensure that the only Republicans are elected to office. “If they can learn how to walk when their names are called out, they can learn anything. The sky is the limit.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Donald Trump Expands Wall Plans

Today, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump unveiled updated new plan for building walls that had become the centerpiece of his presidential platform. The new plan involves the immediate construction of a wall securing the U.S. border with Canada.

“We have underestimated the danger that Canadian immigrants pose to my country,” he said, emphasizing the possessive pronoun. “You open the border, and immediately some Cuban Canadian comes in and tries to steal my job.”

The urgency of the new plan was apparently due to what Trump referred to as “re-prioritization.” He gave no further explanation.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump’s New Reality Show Draws Millions of Viewers

Controversial Reality TV star Donald John Trump has done it again! His new reality show America’s Got Freaks premiered on Fox News Channel this past Thursday, August 6, 2015, drawing millions of viewers and delighting audiences worldwide.

“Mr. Trump is awesome!” exclaimed excited New York resident Samantha Linden who watched the new show at a local pub. “He comes up with unique, creative entertainment ideas. Freaks! Who’d have thought they’d be so much fun to watch?”

“Only someone as well connected as him could have pulled this off,” said Cleveland resident Jonathan Reeves, who was one of the few lucky viewers who was able to attend the premiere in person as it aired live on Thursday night at the Cleveland Quicken Loans Arena. “Not sure where he found them, but he found them. Freaks like this bunch are not easy to come by.”

The show is similar to other elimination shows on TV, but it’s got some unique twists. The contest starts off with a collection of carefully selected freaks, who seem to believe they have a shot at being President of the U.S. They then do their best to embarrass and humiliate themselves on stage, after which the American public will vote them, one by one, off the island.

“The difference,” said Mr. Trump, “is that these weirdos don’t actually need to try. They are natural freaks, so to speak. They also are, in addition, naturally dumb, so dumb, that they actually don’t know they are dumb, and they in fact think they are clever. They will entertain you without even knowing they are doing that.”

Mr. Trump has added one more twist to this new and unique show.

“I will be disguised as freak too,” he said. “This way, I can be on stage with them, and stir them to show off their worst.”

He waved off the claim that one of the freaks is not actually American and is therefore not eligible to compete.

“Who cares,” he said. “Mr. Cruz is likely not going to last out there too long anyway. I’m willing to overlook the fine print and let a Cuban Canadian in for the entertainment of the viewers.”

The new show promises to be the dominant TV event for at least several months, while all participating freaks are voted off the island.

“All but one,” clarified Trump. “And you’ll never guess who will be the one that remains.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Presidential Candidates’ Reaction to Equality of Marriage Vote

On Friday, 6/26, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of gay and lesbian Americans to marry, a measure that made history in the steps the United States has taken towards equality of its citizens.

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, who for some unknown reason still believes he is eligible to run for the Presidency, was quick to react. “Repeal,” he summarized his opinion in one word. “We will appeal, and we will repeal,” he said.

Noticing the catchy phrase, he instantly capitalized on it. “Appeal-repeal, appeal-repeal!” he chanted, pumping his fist in the air. One supporter clapped his hands in rhythm with the chant. This allowed the caretakers from the hospital from which this supporter had escaped locate him, and they came rushing to have him removed for his own safety.

“Oh, God! Oooh, God! How could you ever allow such sin on the face of this earth!” mumbled presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, his eyes closed and palms open as if he were reading from the Holy Book. “Wait a second,” he said shortly after, opening his eyes in realization. “This cannot be the work of God. Anathema! Anathema!” he shouted, crossing himself and spitting inside his shirt.

“It won’t hold water,” repeated his first reaction Presidential candidate Marco Rubio of Florida. “It’s full of holes. And one hole is enough for all the water to flow out,” he clarified.

“It’s the second Horseman of the Apocalypse,” said wide-eyed Michele Bachmann. “The first Horseman was the Obamacare vote. We are so near to the Apocalypse, I can smell it!”

“That was me, honey,” whispered her husband Marcus Bachmann who was standing right next to her. “Sorry, I had beans for lunch…”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” said Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush of Florida. He retracted his previous comment that he will wait for his brother’s reaction before he expresses an opinion, but continued to remain ambivalent.

“I think that decision is good,” chimed in newly announced Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “More hotel bookings!” he explained excitedly, rubbing his palms together.

“Awesome news!” said Hillary Clinton. “And Bill, you have nothing to worry about,” she said, addressing her husband and former President Bill Clinton, who appeared to be checking out female campaign staffers with expression of both interest and concern.

“I didn’t order this traffic jam,” said a confused Presidential Candidate Chris Christie looking out of his window, having missed on the news of the Supreme Court decision. “Or did I? Honey, was I drunk last night?” he asked.

More reactions are expected later, as Presidential candidates have a chance to discuss the new ruling with their campaign advisers.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

GOP: Roberts Did Not Do What He Was Elected To Do

Photo credited to REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool

In a lash of ire over the Supreme Court vote that cemented the role of Obama’s signature healthcare law, GOP representatives accused conservative Chief Justice John Roberts of “not voting according to what he was elected to vote for” and vowed to never allow “another Roberts” to sit on the judicial bench again.

“Who does he think he is?” questioned Curt Levey of the GOP Committee for Justice. “Someone who can just decide on his own how to interpret the law?”

Chief Justice John Roberts is seen by the GOP as a key figure that has been elected to defend their interests and their interests alone. Roberts was nominated by none other than former Republican President George W. Bush, the quintessential model and pinnacle of all things Republican.

“We misjudged Roberts,” said Levey. “We failed by assuming the obvious, that he would be loyal to the people who nominated him instead of trying to play ‘Judge’”.

The historic vote was yet another attempt of the GOP to deny medical insurance to millions of Americans who rely on it. The vote, which addressed the issue of federal subsidies, ensures that medical care is available to everyone, irrespective of income or what state they live in.

Citing political neutrality, Chief Justice Roberts, together with another conservative judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, unexpectedly sided with the American People and voted in accordance to the law.

“He failed us!” lashed out said Carrie Severino, policy director of the conservative Judicial Crisis Network. “He went rogue! He bit the hand that fed him!”

GOP Presidential candidates were also quick to provide their take, making sure the American People know where they stand on the issue.

“First thing I’ll do as President is remove Chief Justice Roberts,” said Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who for some unknown reason still thinks that he is eligible to run for President. “And then the first thing I’ll do is repeal Obamacare,” he vowed.

“What Roberts did doesn’t hold any water,” said Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio from Florida.

“I don’t know,” said Presidential hopefu Jeb Bush, also from Florida. “When I say I don’t know, I mean I don’t know.”

“My brother put him there,” he elaborated later. “I’ll ask my brother why and then tell you what I’ll do.”

Reference: http://news.yahoo.com/obamacare-ruling-puts-supreme-court-hot-seat-u-050459645.html

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Marco Rubio Voted for Law Forcing Rape Victims to Publish Their Sexual History

In 2001, current Presidential candidate Marco Antonio Rubio voted for the so called Scarlet Letter Law, a law requiring single mothers who want to place their children for adoption to publish their sexual histories in a newspaper.

“Newspapers don’t have enough of that stuff today,” he explained. “Wouldn’t you want to get your Sunday paper and read about someone’s sexual experiences first thing Sunday morning?”

Mr. Rubio encouraged greater detail in the documented sexual encounters.

“The juicier, the better!” he said. “Give us the graphic details. Use dirty words. Make us all see and feel what it felt like.”

The new law requires publication of the sexual histories even of single mothers who have conceived their children as a result of rape.

“Rape!” exclaimed Rubio. “Rape is the best! There isn’t anything that turns a man on like a good rape story.”

We asked if he sees any down side on exposing such deeply troubling, personal stories, especially stories of rape.

“There is,” he said. “It would make Viagra unnecessary and Pfizer would go out of business. A good rape story can get even my grandfather a hard on.”

“Good reminder though,” he said and scribbled something at the back page of the small pocket Bible he was holding. “I should sell my Pfizer stock before the new law starts to take effect.”

Reference: http://dcpols.com/marco-rubio-voted-for-bill-forcing-rape-victims-to-publish-sexual-history/

Reference: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/11/florida-adoption-bill_n_7565046.html

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The article above, just like other stories published in News Sense News is, of course, fiction — satire. However, the fact that Marco Rubio voted for a law requiring single mothers, including rape victims, to publish their sexual histories in a newspaper is true. The law he voted for is sometimes referred to as the Scarlet Letter Law. Read about it. Get informed.

Signing a law such as this one is sick and disgusting. And yet, people vote for politicians who then vote for such laws.

Think about this next time you vote.