Trump Appointee Rian Johnson Makes Star Wars Great Again

Everyone knows how disappointing the Star Wars saga has been for Americans ever since its very inception, reported Fox News early Saturday, one day after the Premiere of “The Last Jedi”, the latest installment of the Star Wars saga.

That is no more, said Fox News. President Donald John Trump had taken it personally to intervene and Make Star Wars Great Again. Earlier in the year, he had appointed writer and director Rian Johnson to take charge of the franchise, and ensure that it is finally and permanently fixed in the upcoming Episode VIII.

Everything President Trump touches turns into pure gold, stated Fox News. The Last Jedi is no exception.

“The best movie ever!” stated randomly selected by Fox News “Star Wars” fan Buck Cornhauler from rural Alabama, who went to the movies for the first time in twenty years with a ticket sponsored by Fox News, just so he could see the result of Donald Trump’s effort.

Buck admitted that he had never actually seen any of the other Star Wars movies, nor, for that matter, any movie at all over the last 20 years, but he has always been a big fan, as he had been told by the crew of Fox News who paid him to interview him.

Fox News stated that Buck’s experience is the experience of every American. Indeed, they stated, The Last Jedi is not only the best movie of the franchise, but possibly the best movie of all times.

They offered a careful recommendation. All their viewers, they said, should purchase tickets for the movie, but not actually see it, because seeing a movie so great could  spoil every single movie they try to see at any time after that.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

 

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Trump: Obama is the Most Ignorant President

“Obama is the most ignorant President the U.S. has ever had,” said Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump today, pointing out that the difference is quite apparent when Obama is compared to presidents like George Bush, George W. Bush, or the should-have-been-president Dan Quayle.

“Kenny Baker is the tallest person who ever lived,” continued Trump, referring to the famous actor who acted R2D2 in the legendary Star Wars saga. “Trust me, folks, trust me. No one as tall as him has ever existed on Earth.”

“Similarly, Muhammad Ali is the worst boxer of all time,” stated Trump. “He was terrible. Awful. Everyone knows that. He should never have been a boxer.”

“Finally, Albert Einstein is the stupidest person who ever lived,” said Trump. “It’s amazing how stupid he was, folks, really amazing.” He pointed out that unless someone is of comparable intelligence to the ‘90’s cartoon characters Beavis and Butthead, who have been his own inspiration, Trump would not consider that person worth mentioning on the intelligence scale.

Fox News has touted that the comments above are the most insightful comments ever made by a Presidential candidate.

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Source: Trump States Obama is the Most Ignorant President in U.S. History

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Startling Results Found from the Autopsy of Exhumed Darth Vader

It had long been a matter of speculation what caused the most powerful Sith Lord, Darth Vader, to die after having his arm cut off by his son Luke Skywalker during the VI-th installement of the popular Star Wars saga. Indeed, Vader’s arms and limbs had been cut off multiple times earlier, and he had managed to have them replaced successfully by well engineered prosthetics, leaving him more machine than man, but with no other observable ill effects.

Still, in the fatal for him Episode VI, Return of the Jedi, Lord Vader appeared to grow weak and quickly die from a simple light saber amputation of one of his artificial prosthetic hands. Considering it wasn’t even his physical arm that had been cut off, it appeared unlikely that the Dark Lord had died from this almost harmless injury that under normal light saber fighting would be considered merely a scratch.

With that in mind, Lord Vader’s body (mostly a metal shell with barely anything organic in it) was exhumed and a small amount of organic material was successfully retrieved from his burnt helmet.

Analysis of the sample found a startling, but more logical cause of death.

Lord Vader appeared to have died of poisoning caused by frequent inhalation of Xenon, a colorless, odorless noble gas frequently used for entertainment at Dark Side parties.

Xenon, being denser than air, causes vocal chord vibrations to produce lower frequency sound waves, resulting in deeper and more evil sounding voice timber, which Dark Side supporters find particularly appealing both at planet-blowing celebrations and in their day-to-day evil routines.

Additionally, since it activates production of the transcription factor HIF-1-alpha, which leads to increased production of erythropoietin, Xenon can be used as a performance enhancing drug, which makes it popular among Dark Jedi who lead an active light saber fighting lifestyle.

Darth Vader had likely started inhaling Xenon as a teenager, while he was still being called Anakin Skywalker, as he was getting more and more drawn to the Dark Side, which was strong with him. Over time, this inhalation had become more than just a daily routine. Vader was known to always carry with him a pressurized Xenon container, which connected to the inside of his black helmet. The noble gas was released within Vader’s helmet every time he exercised his characteristic heavy breathing, giving him an energy boost, and making the timber of his voice low and scary.

Forensic Scientists who had retrieved the likely very last piece of organic matter from Darth Vader’s body did not stop their investigation at cause of death. The tiny amount of organic material was submitted to Vibrant Gene Consulting, an Earth-based Genetic company which, among other things, specializes in paternity testing. Running genetic tests on the last cells that remained of Vader was seen as the last opportunity to shed more light on the genetic makeup of the most powerful of the Sith Lords.

(The following might contain spoilers for future films in the Star Wars franchise, particularly films XVII and XVIII)

In a shocking turn of events, Darth Vader was found to not be Luke’s father after all, but was, instead, his uncle. Since twins ran in the Skywalker family, Anakin Skywalker had in fact been conceived in a twin pregnancy. Being a powerful Dark Side Lord from conception, Anakin had destroyed his fraternal twin in the early phases of his ontogenetic development. As a result, Anakin’s twin was never born, but cells from him had been absorbed in Anakin’s body, making him a chimera: a two-genome individual. It was his unborn brother’s genome that had impregnated Queen Amidala, technically making Vader’s unborn twin the real father of Luke and Leia.

We were glad that Darth Vader was dead, because he likely would have been angry at the surprising revelation. That being said, since the Dark Side of the Force gives rise to many abilities some consider to be unnatural, including the potential of bringing people back from the dead, there is a chance that Vader will come back to life around the XX-th installment of the saga. If so, it would be only a matter of time before Vader finds a way to punish his dead brother for fathering his lover’s children.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

George Lucas to Write 24 More Star Wars Movies

Crossed_Light_Sabers

George Walton Lucas, Jr., the creator of the popular Star Wars franchise, delighted fans today by announcing that he has been working on 24 new Star Wars scripts.

“The stories were there. They just needed to be told,” said Lucas.

The new movies will be made and released over the next 250-300 years, one trilogy at a time, at regular 20-30 year intervals in between.

“We will be using as much of the original cast as we can,” said Lucas. “That’s what the fans want; that’s what we will give them.”

We were concerned that not everyone from that cast would be able to participate.

“It is true that not everyone is still around,” said Lucas. “Alec [Guiness] (old Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi), for example, left us a few years ago, but our new Obi-Wan, Ewan [McGregor] will be just about the right age for the ghost of old Ben by the time the next few trilogies come around, and he’ll look very similar to what Alec used to look back then.”

“Carrie [Fisher] has aged gracefully, and she would be perfect for the role of 70, 80 and 90-years old Princess Leia Organa in Episodes X, XI and XII.”

“And Mark [Hamill] (Luke Skywalker) and Harrison [Ford] (Han Solo) are still going strong. Luke’s a Jedi, he will be around for at least 850 more years and he should be able to participate in most if not in all the new movies,” he said.

We asked if he might be confusing the character with the actor.

“Perhaps,” said Lucas. “But that’s a sign of a good story.”

What about other characters that have made the movies more children-friendly but alienated some of the original fans, such as Jar Jar Binks?

“Sadly, Jar Jar did not make it,” lamented Lucas without giving an explanation. “However, we will continue to cater to younger and younger audiences. We plan to bring in some Sesame Street characters in Episodes XVI, XVII and XVIII, and at least two of the Teletubbies in Episode XXI.”

What about Mr. Lucas himself? How will he continue to be involved with the new movies once the scripts are written?

“My plan is to sell all 24 or maybe even more scripts to Disney as soon as they are done. I will then step back and look for a small planet for sale somewhere in the Degoba system, where I can retire in peace.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.