GOP: Roberts Did Not Do What He Was Elected To Do

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is followed by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia as they arrive for the presidential inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol in Washington January 21, 2013. REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool
Photo credited to REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool

In a lash of ire over the Supreme Court vote that cemented the role of Obama’s signature healthcare law, GOP representatives accused conservative Chief Justice John Roberts of “not voting according to what he was elected to vote for” and vowed to never allow “another Roberts” to sit on the judicial bench again.

“Who does he think he is?” questioned Curt Levey of the GOP Committee for Justice. “Someone who can just decide on his own how to interpret the law?”

Chief Justice John Roberts is seen by the GOP as a key figure that has been elected to defend their interests and their interests alone. Roberts was nominated by none other than former Republican President George W. Bush, the quintessential model and pinnacle of all things Republican.

“We misjudged Roberts,” said Levey. “We failed by assuming the obvious, that he would be loyal to the people who nominated him instead of trying to play ‘Judge’”.

The historic vote was yet another attempt of the GOP to deny medical insurance to millions of Americans who rely on it. The vote, which addressed the issue of federal subsidies, ensures that medical care is available to everyone, irrespective of income or what state they live in.

Citing political neutrality, Chief Justice Roberts, together with another conservative judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, unexpectedly sided with the American People and voted in accordance to the law.

“He failed us!” lashed out said Carrie Severino, policy director of the conservative Judicial Crisis Network. “He went rogue! He bit the hand that fed him!”

GOP Presidential candidates were also quick to provide their take, making sure the American People know where they stand on the issue.

“First thing I’ll do as President is remove Chief Justice Roberts,” said Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who for some unknown reason still thinks that he is eligible to run for President. “And then the first thing I’ll do is repeal Obamacare,” he vowed.

“What Roberts did doesn’t hold any water,” said Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio from Florida.

I don’t know,” said Presidential hopefu Jeb Bush, also from Florida. “When I say I don’t know, I mean I don’t know.”

“My brother put him there,” he elaborated later. “I’ll ask my brother why and then tell you what I’ll do.”

Reference: http://news.yahoo.com/obamacare-ruling-puts-supreme-court-hot-seat-u-050459645.html

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Republican Organization to Offer “Conversion Therapy”

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“Cookies and Tea Party” (CATP), a newly founded Republican organization, announced today that it would begin offering conversion services to help transform individuals with progressive views into Republicans.

“God created human beings to be Republicans,” stated CATP president Dick Kantorum. “It’s against nature to be anything else. We know that there are individuals who have strayed away from this path, and we are here to help them get back to what God designed them to be.”

CATP has a variety of methods for achieving their goals. These range from corporal punishment to death threats. Methods aside, what criteria are there to determine if the goal has been achieved?

“We have a variety of metrics that will help us judge if the conversion therapy was successful, explained Mr. Kantorum. “Some of them are critical and others are secondary.”

“For example, a minimum of 10 points drop in IQ constitutes a critical criterion,” shared Kantorum. “Without that, the chances of converting someone to a Republican drop significantly.”

“Another critical criterion is demonstrated discrimination against women, gays or poor people.”

“Lesser, but nevertheless important indicators are whether or not the individual has acquired hate towards Obamacare, or whether or not they ever mention environmental or climate-related issues that Congress has voted are non-existent.”

Has CATP been successful so far?

“We’ve had partial success with some of the borderline groups,” said Kantorum. “The relatively less-educated, for example, were already almost there. They just needed to be coached on fear, hatred and intolerance.”

“But,” he admitted, “they were a low hanging fruit. We still have a long way to go with the rest of the American nation.”

Are there any other organizations that offer similar services?

“Fox News has been extremely successful in offering similar services,” said Kantorum. “They are already light years ahead of us with their brainwashing techniques. Still, we believe that over time we will capture a portion of that market, since at today’s times of unnecessary progressive thinking, there is a great need for someone to keep dragging America back to the past.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers Gets a Response Condemning Obamacare

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Following her plea to come up with “horror stories” about Obamacare, Congresswoman Cathy Anne McMorris Rodgers got one response on her Facebook Page telling her the ASA is the root of all evil.

“Well, the actual text of the response was not exactly that,” she said, “but that’s what it meant.”

The response she was referring to read:

Being a Speaker of the House, I already have Government Health Insurance, thank you very much.

“You see,” she concluded. “Americans care. They want to repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

There were apparently other responses to her post, but she said that she is not the kind of person who would dwell on the negative. The single response above was all she needed to prove her point.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

State of the Onion Transcript

Onion

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice Speaker, My Fellow Americans.

We are fifteen years past the year 2000, the arbitrary year which is a result of a) deciding to start counting year zero at a random moment in time which some portion of the world believes to have some significance and b) using a decimal system that happens to result in zeroes when we count multiples of 10.

Yet, although we have advanced greatly in many aspects of life, science, medicine and technology, we continue to have a significant part of Americans stuck to beliefs that date to thousands of years back.

There is, for example, the belief that the long term impact of mankind on the environment which is heading to a possible annihilation of our entire species is less significant than the amount of money that goes into the pockets of a handful of overweight, overfed, overindulged individuals.

There is also the belief that the 1791 right of Americans to own a one-shot front-loading musket somehow carries over to a 2015 right to own automatic weapons capable of killing an entire school of children by a single deranged retard.

There also seems to be the belief that women do not deserve to have any right to make decisions about their own bodies, or that they deserve to be raped just because they dared to go to college, or that they should be paid less for performing the same job as a man.

There seems to be a belief that some people have the right to decide who others should love and marry, while they, themselves, would continue to have the chance to love and marry whoever they want (even though most of them are incapable of love, having never experienced it).

But these are all minor things, as they do not in any way impact those who make these decisions.

What matters, is that the Onion continues to add flavor to our salads, and it continues to make those who try to peel it the wrong way shed tears.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to inform you that our Onion remains strong!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

It is not in any way connected to the Onion to which this article pays tribute because the author has deep appreciation of the excellent work this finest news source is doing in educating Americans of the issues that really matter.

Republican-Led Congress Moves to Establish the Islamic State of the United States

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CREDIT: AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

Today, Republican-led Congress voted for the establishment of the Islamic State of the United States (ISUS), an entity, where women have no rights, gay men and women are crucified and stoned to death, and everyone lives according to a strict version of the Bible.

“We had been waiting for this moment,” said speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner. “America has been waiting for this moment. They elected us to get this done.”’

Mr. Boehner’s speech comes at the heels of the first vote of the new congress, which took away women’s right to choose what to do with their bodies.

“Next,” said Mr. Boehner, “we will be taking away women’s rights to education. Education, as we all know, is detrimental to women, because it encourages them to get away from the kitchen, where they belong, and look for jobs. In other words, seek what God has established to be the man’s role in society.”

“We will also be taking away their right to vote,” said Boehner. “Naturally, this is so they do not influence elections with their inferior opinions.”

“This will make sure that women are, what God intended them to be – receptacles for gestation of children.”

What else will ISUS offer to the citizens of America?

“Guns for everyone,” said Boehner. “Guns on the streets. Guns in the schools. Guns everywhere.”

“Of course, we are also repealing Obamacare,” he hurried to add. “Only God is in a position to decide who lives or dies, who is healthy, and who is sick. We will be abolishing any system that is targeted towards improvements of health for the general population.”

We wondered why Mr. Boehner is calling the new entity the “Islamic” state, since it is in fact following the Bible verbatim.

“This is to honor other nations that share similar values as us,” said Boehner.

The Islamic State of the United States will initially be established within the confines of three states, Texas, Louisiana and Missouri, but Mr. Boehner was confident that over time it would grow to overtake, well… the world.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Wormhole in Space Allows for Glimpse of Future Boehner

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The discovery of wormhole A2427 surprised scientists and politicians alike since such objects were believed to exist only in Science Fiction. But what was even more surprising is the information that this wormhole was able to provide. A probe sent through and then brought back was found to contain the first and only glimpse into an event in the relatively distant future.

That event was an inquiry being filed by the then former U.S. Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner in the year of 2048. In the unprecedented recording from the future, a 99 years old Boehner, suspended on life support in Seidel Memorial Hospital, was filing his 76th investigation into the U.S. Government actions in Benghazi, having failed to find any wrongdoings by the Obama administration in the previous 75 inquiries.

“I know I’ll find something. I know there is something,” he kept repeating to himself.

His 75 years old spouse Debbie Boehner sitting next to his bed just shook her head.

“He’s been repeating this for the last 30 years,” she said. “That’s the only thing he’s been saying, the poor man. Deep inside, somewhere, he believes he is right.”

Reconstructing events that may have led to the condition of Mr. Boehner, scientists believe that somewhere around 2018, Mr. Boehner came home greatly distressed after his 4th inquiry into Benghazi had yet again found no fault in the actions of the Obama Government. He had gone to sleep that night, and woken up with one goal in mind – he would dedicate his life to finding some, however immaterial fault that he could then cling on to and cherish.

Year after year, he had appointed numerous committees. He had gone from bipartisan, to fully Republican, to just Ku Klux Klan, to exclusively Nazi, to Tea Party, in an escalating order of desperation, and none of these committees were able to find anything he had hoped for.

And all that time, he had just been repeating:

“I know I’ll find something. I know there is something.”

“We are grateful for one thing though,” whispered quietly Mrs. Boehner with tears in her eyes. “Thank God for the Affordable Care Act, which paid for my husband’s not exactly affordable medical expenses!”

And that’s where the recorded video faded, and the probe sent into wormhole A2427 turned back and traveled back to the present.