U.S. Military Expands Its Reach

The U.S. Military has started a marketing campaign appealing to a new target group in order to meet its goal of 80,000 new recruits before September 2018, reported Fox News**.

“We are now specifically targeting thanatophiles,” said Army Deputy Chief of Staff Lt. Gen. Thomas C. Seamands.

Thanatophiles, Seamands explained, are people who love death. The term comes from the Ancient Greek θάνατος (thánatos,death) and φίλος (phílos, dear, beloved).

Some thanatophiles are conscious practitioners. They deliberately seek opportunities to die, say, by frequently attempting suicide.

“The kind who love to die from firearms are ideal, but we are not limiting ourselves to only this kind,” shared Seamands.

Other thanatophiles are subconscious or ‘natural’ practitioners. Examples include people with certain types of mental illnesses.

“Recent effort of the Trump administration to release medical data of mental health patients to U.S. Military recruiters has been very helpful in identifying this type of recruit,” Seamands told us.

Finally, there is the type of thanatophile who wants to take other people with them as they die. Examples are the Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock or the Texas church shooter Devin Kelley.

“Prime, prime candidates for the military,” stated the Lt. General. “We have special web forums that speak to them directly, using their language, and painting their type of images of death.”

For a full list of all targeted thanatophiles, please see the Fox News Article quoted below.

Targeted advertising tells a thanatophile exactly what they want to hear, namely, that joining the U.S. Army under the leadership of President Trump is an almost certain death. Such advertising is expected to lead to high conversion rates and ultimately to a easily fulfilled Army quota before the target deadline.

There is only one catch, added Army spokesman Lt. Col. Randy Taylor, who had, until then, been only listening to the interview.

“As President Trump clearly stated in his Executive Order, none of these people can be gay, lesbian or transgender,” he said. “We need people who are eager to die, but only if they know for certain which bathroom to use, and only if they practice regular, missionary style, man-on-top-of-woman, only in the dark, and only for the purpose of procreation sex.”

 

**Source: Army Lifts Ban on Cutters, Mentally Ill and Drug Abusers to Meet Recruiting Goals (Fox News)

– – –

News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently, as in this case, inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Advertisements