Roy Moore to Sponsor Female Teen Incarcerations

Alabama Republican hopeful Roy Moore announced that he is launching an urgent initiative that encourages female teens to commit minor crimes and further assists the Alabama judicial system with their quick incarceration.

“Female teens of 14-16 years of age desperately need the experiences that a co-ed Alabama prison can offer,” stated Moore. “Alabama has not been doing enough to facilitate those kinds of experiences.”

Mr. Moore made it very clear that he has no interest in discriminating against teens on the basis of race.

“My Republican colleagues have typically sponsored programs that help Black teens get into prison,” he said. “I, personally, don’t support that at this exact moment in time. I believe that blond or brunette Caucasian females need the prison experience just as much as teens of other races and backgrounds.”

While Mr. Moore acknowledges that the timing of his initiative may not be ideal, he believes that late is better than never.

“There will be those who try to link my initiative to recent false accusations made by non-Fox-News media,” he said. “These accusations have been nothing but politically motivated lies.”

Moore insisted that his initiative is urgent for completely unrelated reasons, and that he does not expect to be sent to the same exact prison where newly incarcerated female teens may start to be sent soon after.

“I am innocent,” he stated. “Still, one never knows about these things. Life if full of unpredictability.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

 

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“Quick release” Fire Safety Locks to be Installed in Federal Prison

Prison-bars

Fire safety concerns have prompted the installation of new “quick release” locks on the cell doors of the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas.

“We need a system that allows inmates to quickly evacuate the prison premises in case of fire,” said prison warden Jeremy MacMillan. “To that effect, we are installing quick release latches on the cell doors, which would make it possible for prisoners to exit their cells and run out to safety in case a fire breaks out.”

Mr. MacMillan, a former inmate at the same facility himself, is intimately familiar with the premises.

“The Leavenworth facility is poorly designed,” he lamented. “It’s very difficult to get out of it. As someone who has tried to escape from it multiple times, I take it very personally to help improve the layout and safety features of the place.”

Mr. MacMillan’s genuine concern for the wellbeing of the prisoners is very personal, as he had become good friends with many of them when he served time for armed burglary and premeditated murder a decade earlier.

“Yes, I know Jack ‘Strangler’ Kelly and Bugs Falconetti very well,” MacMillan shared. “Back in the day, I remember planning with them the beating of that new kid, Tony Tinny, who thought he didn’t have to play by the rules.”

“Jack and I still hang out together sometimes,” smiled MacMillan melancholically. “I help him get cigarettes, belts, what have you.”

“Jack’s big into belts,” he added. 

The new locks will be installed sometime in the next decade.

“Many of the inmates here today will still be here at that time to take advantage of the enhanced safety,” said MacMillan. “Except, perhaps, Thornton James, who’ll be turning 92 next week. And maybe Clyde Pinkerton,” he added, “who, I heard, will be murdered.”

Such is prison life.

To all who have praised MacMillan’s initiative, he humbly says: “I’m glad to be of help.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.