GOP Hopeful Scott Walker Offers Alternatives to ULG

In a bid to gain popularity in a race where he has been barely visible, Wisconsin GOP Presidential hopeful Scott Kevin Walker has taken the bold step of offering an alternative view to an established Law that has often been popularly referred to as the Universal Law of Gravity, or ULG.

“I’m willing to stand up against anyone, including members of my own party,” said Walker, “to get the job done. The Universal Law of Gravity needs to be repealed, and that will be the first thing I will do on my first day as President.”

Addressing valid criticism that simply repealing the law is senseless, because a law is needed for understanding our world, he waved off concerns.

“I will be replacing this law with a new one that I have drafted myself,” he said.

A proud almost-graduate of the famous* Marquette University of Milwaukee, WI, Mr. Walker had indeed come up with a 15 page document that addresses all concerns that would otherwise have been addressed by the Universal Law of Gravity. His work is based on an older model (“But hey,” he said, “sticking to old models is what the word ‘conservative’ means!”) which goes a few centuries earlier than Heliocentricity. Specifically, Mr. Walker has brought back the valid and obvious assumption that the Earth is actually flat and that all objects simply fall ‘down’.

“With a flat Earth, the directions of ‘down’ and ‘up’ are obvious,” said Walker. “So, there is no need for complicated Liberal concepts to be introduced. Everything is clear and simple, the way God intended it to be.”

The bold step has indeed endeared Mr. Walker to everyone who believes that existing high school physics may be too much of a burden for adolescent minds.

* Marquette University of Wisconsin is indeed famous, if you knew whom to ask about it in certain Jesuit circles. It is proudly the top institution to offer admission to Governor Walker and they have often expressed their genuine sadness of his failure to graduate, since he is, admittedly, the only former student on record to not complete his education there.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Disclaimer: some information in this article may actually be true. If you encounter such information, take it with a grain of salt, or discard it, if the truth is not your thing.

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Trump’s New Reality Show Draws Millions of Viewers

Controversial Reality TV star Donald John Trump has done it again! His new reality show America’s Got Freaks premiered on Fox News Channel this past Thursday, August 6, 2015, drawing millions of viewers and delighting audiences worldwide.

“Mr. Trump is awesome!” exclaimed excited New York resident Samantha Linden who watched the new show at a local pub. “He comes up with unique, creative entertainment ideas. Freaks! Who’d have thought they’d be so much fun to watch?”

“Only someone as well connected as him could have pulled this off,” said Cleveland resident Jonathan Reeves, who was one of the few lucky viewers who was able to attend the premiere in person as it aired live on Thursday night at the Cleveland Quicken Loans Arena. “Not sure where he found them, but he found them. Freaks like this bunch are not easy to come by.”

The show is similar to other elimination shows on TV, but it’s got some unique twists. The contest starts off with a collection of carefully selected freaks, who seem to believe they have a shot at being President of the U.S. They then do their best to embarrass and humiliate themselves on stage, after which the American public will vote them, one by one, off the island.

“The difference,” said Mr. Trump, “is that these weirdos don’t actually need to try. They are natural freaks, so to speak. They also are, in addition, naturally dumb, so dumb, that they actually don’t know they are dumb, and they in fact think they are clever. They will entertain you without even knowing they are doing that.”

Mr. Trump has added one more twist to this new and unique show.

“I will be disguised as freak too,” he said. “This way, I can be on stage with them, and stir them to show off their worst.”

He waved off the claim that one of the freaks is not actually American and is therefore not eligible to compete.

“Who cares,” he said. “Mr. Cruz is likely not going to last out there too long anyway. I’m willing to overlook the fine print and let a Cuban Canadian in for the entertainment of the viewers.”

The new show promises to be the dominant TV event for at least several months, while all participating freaks are voted off the island.

“All but one,” clarified Trump. “And you’ll never guess who will be the one that remains.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.