Michelle Bachmann: The End Times are Nigh, Vote for Me


Former Minnesota Member of the House of Representatives Michelle Marie Bachmann today announced possible considerations for another shot at the Presidency.

“This is the right time,” she said. “This is, in fact, the only time for me to run for President.”

Asked to explain further, she clarified.

“The End Times are nigh, and the Apocalypse is around the corner,” she said. “If I don’t run now, there will be no other opportunity to run, since the world will be over, and mankind will be facing the ultimate judgment.”

We invited her to outline the strengths she brings to the table compared to other Extremist Christian candidates such as Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, or that Huckabee character.

“I’d be happy to,” she said. “Ted, for example, who on the face of it is one of us, isn’t fit to lead the American People during the upcoming Apocalypse, because he doesn’t really understand the Apocalypse is that close. For some reason, he seems to think that we have more time,” said Bachmann.

“Rubio,” she said, “on the other hand, understands that deep down. He’s been trying to prepare for the flood by learning how to drink large amounts of water. That, in my opinion, is kind of childish. You can’t really escape certain death by drinking up the flood.”

“Huckaboo, I don’t know about him,” she said. “I don’t think anyone else does.”

How does she compare to the remaining Republican Candidates?

“I’m clearly the best,” said Bachmann. “If I am not in the run, I’d consider voting for the village idiot, because he’s kind of easy to lead by the nose, but he will not make a great president, because he, like everyone else, will perish in flames when the trumpet sounds.”

We weren’t sure which village idiot she was referring to.

“Oh,  you know,” she said vaguely, leaving the rest of us to wonder.

We wished Mrs. Bachmann a smooth ride with the four horsemen.

“I promise,” said Bachmann, “that if you elect me, I will ride with them naked in front of everyone.”

She flashed a victory sign, but unlike her predecessor candidate Sarah Palin from several years prior, she did not stick her tongue between her fingers.

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.