Recent Killings of Police Officers

This is not a satirical article as other posts in this blog. I have come back from my vacation to condemn in the strongest terms the recent killings of police officers.

Killing a random police officer does not constitute justice. It’s just murder.

Individuals who commit murder should be prosecuted, and justice should be served according to the law.

Without exceptions.

This being said, let’s nevertheless pose some relevant questions. Without trying to in any way diminish the gravity of the crimes committed, here is a poll that would hopefully put things into perspective for you, the reader. No matter which “side” you support (as if taking sides makes any sense when the murder of a human being is concerned), think about these.

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George Bush Gets Free Installation of Fiber at His Home

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An excited George W. Bush told the press today that he had gotten the deal of his life on an installation of fiber-optic internet and cable at his ranch in Texas.

“It was hard to believe,” he told us. “Cable companies charge an arm and a leg, and I got a top-of-the-line fiber opticals completely free!”

Mr. Bush got the amazing deal by chance. He was coming home after a round of golf, when he noticed through the window of his limo that the Secret Service detail guarding his ranch were holding three men at gunpoint.

“They were kinda short and thin,” recalled Bush. “I thought they were Chinese, because they looked Chinese.”

His curiosity peaked, Bush asked his driver to stop, and rolled down his window.

“These three Koreans were driving too close to the ranch, Sir. We stopped them for a check,” his Secret Service detail told him.

“They were just three real nerdy guys, big glasses and everything” Bush told us. “Secret Service checked them for weapons – that’s their job. Watcha doin’ here, I asked. They said, they been drivin’ and got lost. Lookin’ for a bar for some drinks. So, I said, let’s take these guys in, show them Texan hospitality.”

The Secret Service apparently protested, but the former President insisted and got his wish.

“Turned out they were Engineers!” exclaimed Bush. “Smart folks. From some real good school in the North part of their country. Never heard of it.”

Our reporters had been told by an anonymous source that the three Koreans were actually not legally in the country.

“Yeah!” Bush laughed, recalling. “We got tough tourist policies. They couldn’t get visa, So, they got in from Mexico. Just wanted to drive round and tour our great country.”

And that’s when Mr. Bush got his unexpected deal.

“They looked at them outlets and switches in my ranch and said wiring needs an upgrade. There’s new stuff out there, they said, fiber opticals and what not.”

“I told them, tell me what’s hot and I’ll get someone to put it in,” said Bush, “and they said they’d do it for me! For free! They had cables and boxes in their car.”

“How much, I said? And they just went, you are a cool guy Comrade Bush. It would be our honor to do this for you for free.”

The small crew worked for several hours in Mr. Bush’ ranch, drilling, pulling cables through. When they were done, the former President had gotten the best fiber installation of any ranch in Texas.

“Internet is super fast now!” announced a smiling Mr. Bush. “Cable TV is what they called ‘Sony Pictures quality’. They even put in proactive monitoring. Anything goes wrong, they’ll get an alert all the way back there in Korea, and they’ll fix the problem.”

“What can I say,” said Bush. “I got the deal of my life!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

Happy Holidays and See You Next Year!

To the dedicated followers of this crazy blog — thank you so much for being interested in my wacky satire! I hope I entertained you and made you think.

It’s holidays season, and I will be taking a short break so I can kick back, do some travel, reflect, and be utterly lazy. So, I’m signing off for the year!

Enjoy the holidays, and see you again in 2015!

AHC

How Did Cavemen Celebrate Christmas?

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Archaeologists may have just discovered their first clue of how our Neanderthal ancestors celebrated Christmas. Excavations in Central Europe have found a near complete set of preserved objects with distinct Christmas significance.

Not surprisingly, our ancestors all had Christmas trees. Christmas trees were in natural abundance in the late seral forests, and Neanderthal men had easy access to cutting them and carrying them to their caves.

They decorated their trees with fruits, nuts and ornaments made of wood, natural materials for making Christmas tree ornaments. They didn’t have any electricity, but they carefully attached little wicks to the branches, so that they could light them up if they wanted their Christmas trees to sparkle. Of course, the wicks didn’t last long, and they sometimes set the trees on fire, but things in Neanderthal times were in general not very functional and our ancestors put up with it all.

Even though their artistic skills paled in comparison to modern toy-making technology, our ancestors used small sticks and mud to put together figurines re-enacting nativity scenes with baby Jesus, because it was the thought that counted, not the quality of the figurines.

Finally, Santa wore a red painted hide, and didn’t have to have a fake beard, because our ancestors were all plenty hairy to start with.

Overall, ancient Christmas celebrations were not all that dissimilar from modern ones, which is a great comfort to all who believe in and celebrate this wonderful holiday.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things!

Marco Rubio Outlines His Priority Agenda Items

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Marco Antonio Rubio, the Junior United States Senator from Florida who is also a presidential hopeful, gave his supporters a rare glimpse of his top agenda items should he be elected president.

“First and foremost,” he said, “I plan to make sure that Americans have plenty of drinking water. Staying hydrated is very important for overall health and longevity.”

“The human body contains anywhere between 55% and 78% water, depending on body size,” he continued, reading from several pages of printed notes. “Water helps transport oxygen, fat, and glucose to the muscles, regulates the body temperature, and helps with food digestion.”

“I will be appointing a special committee, which will review all water sources in the U.S., and come up with a comprehensive strategy to ensure water availability everywhere, at all times. High schools, hospitals, public restrooms, will all be equipped with state-of-the art water fountains, making it easy and convenient to drink water anywhere, anytime, with no delays, should anyone get thirsty, or even before that.”

We asked him what he plans to do to boost the U.S. Economy.

“I plan to provide Government funding to more than 300 organizations to help create jobs that will further boost the economy,” continued reading Rubio. “Specifically, I will be aiming at creating jobs in the American Institute of Hydrology, the American Ground Water Trust, The American Water Works Association and the Freshwater Society.”

We asked him what he plans to do about Global Warming.

“We will continue to encourage global warming,” read Rubio from his notes, “because Global Warming melts the ice caps and ultimately produces more water. I will make sure we continue to increase our carbon footprint. Additionally, I plan to work closely with China, who, I have been told, has been most successful in this endeavor.”

What about other Scientific Research?

“We will be investing in research that looks for water on other planets,” continued to read Rubio after finding the right item in his notes. “We have already seen evidence of it on Mars, and on some of Jupiter’s satellites. We also have evidence that some newly discovered planets millions of light years away may potentially contain water. This is very exciting, and I plan to do everything to continue funding this research.”

How does Mr. Rubio’s agenda meet the objectives of his party?

“I represent the Tea Party,” clarified Rubio in a surprising off-script response. “And tea, as you know, is hot water poured over tea leaves. My agenda makes sure that at least half of the tea party promise is met.”

He glanced towards his advisors, who were drawing their hands across their necks vigorously at him from behind our cameras.

“OK, right, I’ll stick to the script,” he nodded at them.

We asked him what his plans are for the continent of Africa.

“At this point, we have no plans,” he said, apparently not finding anything on this topic in his notes. “Africa is a dry place, and it’s of no interest to us,” he improvised further before another glance at his waving advisors prompted him to stop.

What about other issues that may be important to the American People?

“I don’t have anything specific to share at this point,” said Rubio. “My advisors and speech writers do not seem to have included anything else in the notes. If there are other issues, they are likely not important.”

“Thank you very much for your time!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The Enchanted Life of Alistair Newton

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On September 5th, 2014, Alistair Newton decided to give up his Atheist beliefs after failing a basic science class.

“I simply stopped questioning everything,” he told a small crowd of curious bystanders attracted by the shiny new camera of our news organization. “And when you have no basic understanding of the world, no explanation of how it functions, the only possible thing to do is stop believing that there is no God.”

Alistair’s profound change of beliefs came as the next step of his otherwise very peculiar life.

He was born in 1969, in a family of rocket scientists. To their great surprise, he immediately spoke. His first words were: “Boy, was this an awesome example of peristaltically-driven squeeze through a narrow elastic channel! Weird, and real tight, but it got me all the Lactobacillus I need. Thanks, Mom! You did an awesome job!”

Not only was Alistair born with a full ability to speak, but he could also read, write, and do multivariable calculus in his head.

Alas, this was the highest form of intellectual accomplishment he would ever achieve, because as soon as he was out of the womb, he started to retrogress. Year over year, he would lose some advanced form of analytical ability. By the age of five, he could no longer manipulate tensors in his head. By the age of ten, he had lost some of his line integration skills. By his mid-twenties, his trigonometry was disappearing at an exponential rate and he was reduced to only being able to do basic high-school algebra.

With the retrogression of his analytical skills came a corresponding retrogression of his belief system. As a kid, Alistair had been a strong proponent of equality and freedom. He respected people’s beliefs, and promoted a philosophy of tolerance and understanding. But as his ability to calculate molar ratios vanished, so did his belief that women should get equal pay at the workplace. As time went by, Alistair lost his understanding that skin color, religion, or sexual orientation are not indications of anyone being less human. While earlier in life he had seen his own Atheist beliefs as a logical, but not superior way of searching for transcendence, by his late 30s he had started to develop distinct hatred towards Muslims and Jews based on his own growing sense of superiority.

His own knowledge and understanding of the world continued to shrink. One day, concerned that he could no longer understand the idea of Gravity, he decided to take a science class at a community college, so he could restore his disappering knowledge.

He took one, and he failed it. He came out of his final exam, lightheaded, confused, and said: “I don’t get it. If the Earth is indeed round like some claim, why don’t people fall off at the other side?”

“There is only one explanation,” he said. “The Earth is not actually round. This is all a lie and a conspiracy perpetuated by a handful of heretics which aim to bring anarchy to the world. The Earth is flat, and it is supported by a giant elephant, who, in turn, balances on the back of an even larger turtle.”

A week later, Alistair decided to give up his Atheist beliefs, and start to profess that there is only one truth that we are not to question and that we should follow blindly, because it is the Way.

There was sadness in his mother’s eyes when we asked her to share her feelings.

“I love him very much,” she said. “He is my son. He has had a very unusual life, and I am grateful for every moment of it. It’s been painful to watch him retrogress, but I suppose life is what it is in its randomness.”

We asked what she thought will happen next.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose he will turn racist, and sexist, and eventually hate everyone and everything.”

We have since heard that Mr. Newton, currently in his mid-fourties, has become a registered member of the Tea Party.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

More Clues on Potential Missouri Cop Killer

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Disturbing new information has come to light as the investigation of the potential cop killer in Missouri progresses.

While the identity of the suspect is still unknown, he is believed to be armed and dangerous. A camera at Pagedale Mall where the suspect had been seen prior to his altercation with police has recorded a grainy image of him carrying what looks like a plastic squirt gun.

“These weapons are very dangerous, because they are easy to conceal,” commented Pagedale police chief Darryl K. Wellson. “They can remain undetected in airport screenings. This suspect can be anywhere right now and still have his weapon on him.”

“Worse still, this suspect could have gone to Texas, bought some weapons-grade uranium from any pharmacy, and filled his weapon with radioactive water, ready to squirt it at any member of the force who stands on his way.”

“Comes to think of it,” he added, “he could probably even fill his weapon with sea water from the Bay Area that has been washing up there from Fukushima.”

“Not that this sea water fact has ever been confirmed by anyone other than the EPA and the IAEA,” he hurried to add, “so, for all we know, these might just be rumors.”

“Well, we could trust the IAEA as far as Iranian nuclear ambitions are concerned,” he addressed our concerns, “but certainly not when they express opinions about the safety of our own Bay Area sea water. They are not trained to make educated statements about the environment. Their expertise is preventing evil dictators from acquiring nuclear weapons.”

“Well, having Texas sell weapons-grade uranium is not the same thing as having an evil Iranian dictator produce it in illegal centrifuges,” he clarified.

“These centrifuges are illegal, because they are produced and sold by the Russians,” clarified Mr. Wellson further. “Not a single dollar of that revenue has come to the U.S. Anything that doesn’t make the U.S. money should be illegal.”

“Yes, true, we don’t make any money by donating millions of dollars of military equipment to rebel groups that destabilize other country’s governments,” Wellson admitted, “but that’s different.”

“Well, it is different. I’m not sure how, but it is. It’s probably tax deductible,” he said.

He waved his hands for silence.

“Ok, enough, enough! I’ve said more than I’m authorized to,” he shouted over the protesting crowd. “To get back to the topic, our suspect whose identity we still don’t know is a four-year-old Black male who was last seen accompanied by a likely related to him Black female in her late 50s. He is known to possess a plastic squirt weapon that has been banned for people of his ethnicity. Our entire force is combing the area inch by inch, and we are confident that we will soon find him and have him shot before he can make any statements to the media that can inflict further damage to the reputation of the Missouri police force.”

“This interview is over!”

He was hurried away before the crowd could ask him any further questions.

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(Related articles: Potential Cop Killer on the Loose, Second Amendment Upheld in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.

Potential Cop Killer on the Loose

Pagedale_MO

The entire Missouri police force has been called to report to duty on Monday despite upcoming holidays in an unprecedented hunt for a potential cop killer.

The potential killer was last seen pointing his index finger at an officer who had been standing peacefully in front of Dunkin Donuts in Pagedale, MO, only miles from where Michael Brown threatened the life of Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson.

The officer had been enjoying a donut and a cup of Dunkin coffee and both of his hands had been occupied by the tasty treats. So, he had been unable to immediately react to the threatening gesture. He did, however, tell fellow friends who work for Fox News that his hair had stood on end, because the gesture clearly mimicked the motion of pointing of a gun.

“I’ll never forget the feeling,” shared the shaken officer, whose name we have agreed to not disclose for safety reasons. “The pointed finger. The look on that [person’s] face. Evil, dark brown face. It still gives me the chills.”

The potential killer is described as approximately three feet tall, with dark complexion, curly black hair, slightly over-sized clothes, and sneakers that blink with blue lights. He was being led by the hand by an approximately 5′ 4” elderly woman of a similar complexion as both of them were crossing the street at a pedestrian crossing. After pointing his finger at the officer, the suspect allegedly stuck the threatening finger into his own nose, and it remained there while the suspect was still in sight.

The unnamed officer handled the situation with bravery and professionalism.

“I finished my donut in several large bites, and washed it down quickly with the remainder of my coffee,” he recalled. “There was no time to grab a napkin. Time is critical in life threatening situations. Even though my hands were still sticky from the glazed sugar, I drew out my weapon, and pointed it in the direction of the threat.”

Alas, it was too late. The potential killer and his older companion had already turned around the corner.

The officer called for immediate backup and waited until several other police vehicles arrived before the re-enforced small group proceeded carefully towards the corner with their weapons drawn.

“You can never be too careful,” the officer shared. “You never know what could be waiting for you on the other side.”

It had been too late indeed. Both suspects had already disappeared by the time the armed group was able to make their way past the dangerous corner.

“We don’t know where they went,” said the chief of the police department where the unnamed threatened officer gets his paycheck. “There is a bus stop on the other side. It is possible that both of them took the bus and blended with the rest of them Black folks. We have, however, started a manhunt, and we will not rest until we catch the dangerous individual and bring him to justice.”

Asked if they are ready to use lethal force, the chief of police was unequivocal.

“We are not taking any chances. Our officers have been instructed to shoot on site.”

A white-knuckled nation awaits while this hunt takes its course. A reward has been offered for any information that could lead to the capture and immediate execution of this potential killer.

(also see related followup story for further developments of this breaking news)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.

New Safety Measures to be Implemented for Olympic Chess Players

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Summer Olympics have been brutal for chess players this year. Many have sustained incapacitating injuries that are raising serious concerns about the safety of this sport.

Sergey Tomov, the Russian three-time Olympic champion suffered a brain cramp only fifteen moves into his second game. He had to be carried out on a stretcher, his left eye twitching. He withdrew from the competition shortly after.

Elena Gomez, the Bolivian rookie who has been captivating the hearts of international audiences and was predicted to win at least bronze this year, tripped on her way to the board. She was carried to her chair by the entire Bolivian weight lifting team, who almost got injuries of their own by the uprecedented effort. Elena played a distracted game, barely winning over Gunther Kaufmann, one of the intellectually inferior contestants, who was able to capitalize on her unexpected weakness. She was seen rubbing her knee repeatedly where she apparently hurt herself on the carpet-covered floor. There are rumors that she is considering knee surgery. It is unclear if the surgery was to occur before or after her participation in the games.

The Korean Do-hyun Kwang, another rising star on the International Chess horizons, struggled as she lifted pawns to move them across the board. She is speculated to be symptomatic of repetitive stress injury of her forearm, which in the longer term would put an end to her hopes of winning gold.

Finally, Matumba Kotongo from Lesotho, the first African to qualify in the Senior Men’s category, announced that his Ophthalmologist has ran out of diopters for his thick bifocals that had endeared him to ladies of all nationalities and ages. He was, as he put it himself, “blind as a bat” from staring too long at chess boards. This “might have been OK if [he] were being used to hit a baseball with”, he joked, but it was doing him no good if he wanted to see all the way to the other side of the chess board.

Year over year, chess has been becoming more and more risky for the athletes who aspire to perform in this challenging sport. The World Olympic Association is now considering imposing stricter restrictions on the contestants, and establishing tougher ground rules of engagement.

“The health and safety of our athletes is our top priority,” said Lilly Lee Lelland, a prominent member of the Olympic Planning Committee from Lalla, Lithuania. “Starting with the next Olympics, we will not be allowing anyone over the age of 90, or over 300 lbs. We will require proper stretching of the mind before any game, say, by casual 10 minute conversation with another human being. The floor will no longer be just carpet. We will be padding it with tempurpedic material, and the athletes will be transported to their chess boards in wheelchairs, safely secured with seat belts.”

Concerns remain, but these actions have been seen as positive steps that would put the minds of our intellectually superior athletes at ease.

Wormhole in Space Allows for Glimpse of Future Boehner

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The discovery of wormhole A2427 surprised scientists and politicians alike since such objects were believed to exist only in Science Fiction. But what was even more surprising is the information that this wormhole was able to provide. A probe sent through and then brought back was found to contain the first and only glimpse into an event in the relatively distant future.

That event was an inquiry being filed by the then former U.S. Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner in the year of 2048. In the unprecedented recording from the future, a 99 years old Boehner, suspended on life support in Seidel Memorial Hospital, was filing his 76th investigation into the U.S. Government actions in Benghazi, having failed to find any wrongdoings by the Obama administration in the previous 75 inquiries.

“I know I’ll find something. I know there is something,” he kept repeating to himself.

His 75 years old spouse Debbie Boehner sitting next to his bed just shook her head.

“He’s been repeating this for the last 30 years,” she said. “That’s the only thing he’s been saying, the poor man. Deep inside, somewhere, he believes he is right.”

Reconstructing events that may have led to the condition of Mr. Boehner, scientists believe that somewhere around 2018, Mr. Boehner came home greatly distressed after his 4th inquiry into Benghazi had yet again found no fault in the actions of the Obama Government. He had gone to sleep that night, and woken up with one goal in mind – he would dedicate his life to finding some, however immaterial fault that he could then cling on to and cherish.

Year after year, he had appointed numerous committees. He had gone from bipartisan, to fully Republican, to just Ku Klux Klan, to exclusively Nazi, to Tea Party, in an escalating order of desperation, and none of these committees were able to find anything he had hoped for.

And all that time, he had just been repeating:

“I know I’ll find something. I know there is something.”

“We are grateful for one thing though,” whispered quietly Mrs. Boehner with tears in her eyes. “Thank God for the Affordable Care Act, which paid for my husband’s not exactly affordable medical expenses!”

And that’s where the recorded video faded, and the probe sent into wormhole A2427 turned back and traveled back to the present.