Ted Cruz: Planned Parenthood Shooting is a Leftist Plot Against My Nomination

GOP Presidential Candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz strongly condemned the mass shooting at a Planned Parenthood location in Colorado Springs on Friday, 10/27, as a “leftist plot against [his presidential] nomination”.

“The goal was to steal my thunder and impact my run for President,” said Cruz, who, for some reason still believes that he is eligible for the nomination despite the fact that he is born in Canada.

We were unclear why Mr. Cruz labeled the shooter “leftist”, since he held  conservative views, believed in the Bible, and expressed un-hidden hatred to current Democratic President Barrack Obama.

“This was just a front,” said Cruz. “A guise, behind which this Marxist operated to try to hide his true identity.”

Cruz based his proof on the unconfirmed rumor that the shooter had apparently registered to vote as female, a mistake he could have easily made by checking the wrong box.

“[The shooter] was hiding his true identity as a woman,” said Cruz, cringing at the word as he usually does when he talks about women. “In the same exact way, he was hiding his left-wing beliefs, pretending to fight for a right-wing cause.”

We were unclear as to why the shooter would have committed his violent act if he really professed left-wing beliefs, which are based on equality, tolerance and choice.

“I already told you,” said Cruz, annoyed that he had to repeat himself. “He was trying to affect my rise to the Presidency. I will be the one to destroy Planned Parenthood, not him.”

Our journalistic crew held a long discussion after the interview, but could not figure out the logic of Mr. Cruz.

Source: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2015/11/29/3726311/ted-cruz-planned-parenthood-shooting-transgendered/

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Pro-Life Group Announces Building of a Military Division

Armed_Rednecks

Taking their “Life is Sacred” fight to a new level, pro-life group Center for Medical Progress announced today that they have begun building out a military division designed to attack and assassinate individuals that oppose their philosophy that life must be preserved at all cost.

“We have no choice,” said group leader and spokesman David Daleiden. “Our fight to save lives is not making enough progress via peaceful means. This leaves us with only one possible option – to create a military division that would fight and kill for the sacred cause of preserving life.”

The group has invested heavily in semi-automatic weapons and explosives. They are also setting up training camps, where their Warriors for Life Preservation will train to acquire the lethal skills they will need to do their day jobs.

“Reproductive Health clinics will be obvious targets,” explained Daleiden. “There are no individuals in a Reproductive Health clinic that respect life. Doctors and patients alike are all there for one and one reason only – to destroy life. We will make sure that doesn’t happen,” he said. “We will kill each and every individual associated with Reproductive Health clinics to ensure that the sacredness of life is protected and preserved.”

The new military division of Center for Medical Progress will be based in Texas, where, in addition to a great choice of conventional weaponry, it will also have the ability to easily acquire weapons grade Uranium, which could prove useful for advancing their cause.

At least one large organization, the NRA, has expressed their full backing of Mr. Daleiden’s cause. They have pledged unconditional support via large discounts and complete lack of background checks.

“Life,” reiterated Daleiden in conclusion, “is sacred, and it is not man’s business to muck with it. Anyone who thinks otherwise, should, in my humble opinion, be killed immediately, without further discussion.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

High School Couple Conceives Accidentally at Party Via IVF

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For Jason and Annie from Tribune, Kansas, it was just a late night Christian party at the house of a friend whose parents were out of town. Everyone was having a good time, drinking lemonade and discussing the Holy Book.

It was a month or so later when Annie discovered she was pregnant.

“I seem to remember meeting this IVF specialist at the party,” she recalled. “At least we think he must have been an IVF specialist,” she added.

“It might have been the amount of lemonade we all had, but when the IVF specialist asked Jason to provide a sperm sample, Jason just went ahead and gave him one,” she said.  “Well, at least we think he must have given him one, even though we are not sure when or how” she added.

It didn’t end there though. There was more to come.

“I remember being in the kitchen later,” said Annie. “We were quoting passages from the Old Testament. It must have been then when the IVF specialist must have extracted one of my eggs while I wasn’t paying attention,” she said.

One thing led to another. Some probably heretic scientific procedures must have taken place in the back room, but when it was all over, the IVF specialist had successfully implanted a fertilized egg into Annie’s uterus.

She went home late that day and felt exhausted in church the next morning. A month later, she realized she was pregnant.

It was initially unclear how this had happened. Jason and Annie were not married at the time, so, it was completely impossible for them to have had sex at that party or at any other time.

To figure out what actually happened so they can explain it to their parents, the two of them spent a lot of time praying. Finally, via mutual recollection and deduction, they succeeded to piece up the story that they are now telling everyone, so that no one assumes erroneously that they had sinned.

How did the two of them know that the person they met was an IVF specialist?

“To be honest, we don’t actually know that,” admitted Jason. “But that is the only explanation. Only this way, unmarried virgins like Annie and myself could have suddenly become expecting parents. One doesn’t need a proof when this is the only possible option.”

To deal with the unexpected situation, the couple had to get married in a church. They did so, even though Jason’s family believes in the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, while Annie’s believes in the New Revised Standard Version, so, an exception had to be made.

Technically, the couple is now allowed to have sex if it is absolutely necessary, but since they are already expecting a baby, there has been no need for them to have sex at all.

As is customary in cases like this, someone always asks the question why God permitted this to happen?

“We think that God meant this to be a lesson to us and everyone,” said Jason. “We think, God’s message is: we should be very careful whom we talk to at parties.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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See also: Kansas: The First State to Teach Correct Theory of Babies

Oklahoma: The First State to Institute Predominantly-Gay Marriage

Rings

The State of Oklahoma may become the first state where marriage licenses are issued predominantly for gay men.

The surprising development comes as a direct consequence of House Bill 1125 sponsored by Republican State Representative Todd Russ. Bill 1125 restricts marriage to only “people of faith”. The Bill was approved by the Oklahoma State House on Tuesday, March 10th, 2015 and is on its way for approval by Republican-dominated Congress.

While there are many in Oklahoma who consider themselves people of faith, there is no disagreement that the only ones who truly fit that bill are the Oklahoma clergy: priests, bishops and other members of the Church who have devoted their lives to serving God.

Gay men constitute between 53-58% of Oklahoma’s clergy. The relatively small uncertainty in that estimate comes from clergy who identify themselves as “mostly gay” as opposed to “gay”, which leaves it up to debate whether they should be included in that percentage.

Oklahoma plans to revoke all previously issued marriage licenses which may involve people who may not truly be “people of faith”. The State will the then start issuing marriage licenses anew, i.e, start with a clean Bill. Experts agree that because of the specificity of the law, mostly members of the clergy will be sufficiently eligible to be considered truly people of faith, and will therefore constitute the majority of approved marriages.

This will make Oklahoma the first state in the history of the U.S., where more than half of all married couples will be gay.

Reference: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2015/03/oklahoma-house-passes-bill-restricting-marriage-to-people-of-faith/

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Prominent Al Qaeda Figure Cites Religious Freedom Bill as Right to Cause Mass Casualties

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Citing the Religious Freedom bill recently signed by Arkansas Governor William Asa Hutchinson, prominent Al Qaeda figure and Arkansas resident Abu Fatkh Khazim today successfully used his status of a permanent resident of Arkansas to press charges against being unlawfully prevented from practicing his extremist religious beliefs.

“My belief in violent extremism requires me to blow myself up in public with as many innocent civilians around me as possible,” Mr. Khazim was quoted saying.

Mr. Khasim had been a detainee in a federal facility in Arkansas after a sting operation apprehended him back in 2004 when he had attempted to acquire weapons-grade Uranium from Texas, where such material is legal to own.

“Being in prison directly impacts my ability to carry out my extremist convictions,” Mr. Khasim stated in his letter to the Arkansas courts.

Mr. Khasim’s beliefs do not in any way contradict newly added provisions to the law, which attempt, albeit do not fully succeed, to prevent any too obvious discrimination against members of the LGBT community.

“I, personally, am not in any way opposed to killing gays or lesbians,” said Mr. Khasim. “I would kill them the same exact way as I would kill straight infidels, Christians, Buddhists and moderate Muslims. I do not, in any way, discriminate.”

Not being able to find any flaws in the logic of Mr. Khasim, Governor Hutchinson has reluctantly agreed to honor his request to be released, and furthermore grant the necessary weapons for Mr. Khasim to be able to practice his extremist faith as God had apparently instructed him, provided that he does so in Democratically-inclined electoral districts.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Indiana Court Sentences Purvi Patel To Be Beheaded in Public

Purvi_Patel_Sue_Brounlin

On Monday, 3/30, Indiana court sentenced 33 years old Purvi Patel for having an involuntary miscarriage.

“The way I see it,” said Sue Ellen Braunlin, doctor and co-president of the Indiana Religious Coalition for Reproductive Justice, “God decided that Mrs. Patel deserves to lose her child. He taketh the child away. It is our responsibility to carry out the rest of God’s will and make sure Mrs. Patel suffers as much as humanly possible given the short amount of time we have to act.”

Indiana Governor Michael Richard “Mike” Pence defended the court’s decision.

“Our God, praise be to Him, had spoken,” he said.

Mrs. Patel is to be lashed 30 times and then beheaded in public for her unintentional action.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Author’s note: The above is not funny. Not at all. Purvi Patel was indeed sentenced to 20 years in prison in Indiana for having a miscarriage. She may not have been beheaded, but the the difference is a matter of degree. This is ISIS operating in the United States under a different religion. The value of satire is to raise awareness. I hope this blog demonstrates how perverse things can become when the religious conservatives choose to operate with 18th century mentality.

Why does the New Year Start on January 1st

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Disclaimer: The following post, while factually justified by actual historic events (with artistic license for entertainment purposes), may be offensive to folks who take the story of Christianity literally. If you hold religious beliefs, or mind some relatively graphic language, you may consider not reading this post further.

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“I miss Caesar, man,” said Festus, senior senator in the Roman Senate as he picked up a large piece of slow-roasted bull collarbone leftover from the previous night’s feast. “He was the coolest. It’s been, what? 44 years since that asshole Brutus gutted him?”

“Who?” asked his friend and fellow Senator Zaro, who had been fiddling with an abacus which he had discovered to his great surprise standing unnaturally on the heavy wooden table among numerous dishes, piles of fruit, and decanters of wine, arranged to look as if they were flowing out of a large Cornucopia centerpiece.

“Caesar. Julius Caesar. Remember him?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Zaro distractedly. “Pity, that thing.”

“Well, it’s been 44 years,” said Festus.

“44 is kind of a funny number,” mused Zaro, flipping some of the abacus beads back and forth.

“How so?” asked Festus. He had taken a few bites from the collarbone, but seemed to have gotten bored with it, because he put it down and picked up a plate of chicken livers instead.

“First, it nice and symmetric,” said Zaro. “If you use the Arabic numbers, that is. Four-Four. Same two numbers. It’s pretty cool. I know we don’t use the Arabic numbers, but if you ask me personally, I think they are catching on. They’d probably be a thing a few dozen years from now.”

“Hmm,” said Festus, whose mouth was full of chicken liver. He was looking for a clean mug so he can pour himself some wine.

“In our number system, it’s XLIV, which I think also reads pretty cool,” continued musing Zaro, playing with the abacus absentmindedly. “X,L,I,V. Extra Large Intra-Venous something. Or, whatever you want to make out of it.”

“And third?” asked Festus.

“Third what?”

“You said first and second,” challenged him Festus. “Is there a third?”

“Well, yeah. Third, it’s the average age of a typical Roman male nowadays. We’ve got wars, overindulgence, venereal diseases…”

Festus had found a mug which looked reasonably clean. He poured himself some wine.

“OK, I’m convinced,” he said. “It’s an important anniversary.”

He took a large sip from the wine, and squinted into the distance. “Remember what his favorite thing to do was?”

“Whose?”

“Caesar, dude, our gutted friend we’ve been talking about!”

“Oh, yeah. No. What was it?”

“What was what?”

“His favorite thing.”

“His Calendar,” said Festus. He seemed pleased with himself. “Remember he invented that, and then he was so proud, and he was like, guys, let’s use this calendar, we just have to find a good place where it should start.”

“I don’t remember,” said Zaro.

“Doesn’t matter,” said Festus. “I remember. He said that.”

There was silence. Festus was contemplating his mug, while Zaro had turned the abacus sideways and was flicking the beads up and letting them drop down.

“I say we do something about this,” said Festus decisively.

“Like what?” asked Zaro.

“I say, we make him a saint, and then start his calendar. As a tribute.” Festus refilled his mug and raised it as a toast.

Zaro looked at a large hour glass standing next to the table in which the sand had completely ran out. “How long will that take?” he asked.

“Ten, fifteen lines of that hourglass. No more than that,” said Festus knowingly. He drained his cup of wine all at once.

Zaro sighed. “Whatever, let’s do it,” he said.

“OK!” Festus tried to get up, but lost his balance and sat back down. “Wow, dude. That’s some serious wine,” he said. “Ok, ok, so, here we go. Let’s figure out what the first day of the new year should be.”

“How?” Zaro was shaking the abacus and listening to the crackle it made.

“Let’s pick something that happened, something weird, so people remember,” suggested Festus.

“For example?” inquired Zaro, trying to spin the abacus on his finger.

“I don’t know. How about you leave that thing alone and fucking contribute an idea?” snapped Festus.

Zaro put the abacus away. “OK. Let me think,” he said. He furrowed his brows.

“Here is one,” he said after a few moments of reflection. “A kid was born in Bethlehem a few weeks ago. Mother was a virgin. That weird enough?”

“Tell me more,” said Festus. He was popping grapes into his mouth.

“That’s it. That’s all I’ve got,” Zaro spread his hands.

“Was the mother really a virgin, or did her dude have a really tiny…”

“Dikus!” shouted Zaro at a disoriented young man with a tilted helmet who poked his head in the room.

“Fuck you,” said the visitor, “I was just looking for the loo.” Zaro stared in his direction even though he had already disappeared.

“So, anyway, back to that kid,” said Festus. “Did the husband just jizz over his lady’s hoo-hoo and somehow his swimmers got in?”

“Jesus, are you full of creative explanations!” exclaimed Zaro. “How the fuck should I know? That’s their own personal business. And who the fuck cares? Let’s just say it was a miracle, and the gal never got any, poor thing, and still got knocked up anyway. Bottom line is, a kid was born to a virgin mother. That’s as weird as I can come up with.”

“OK, I can work with that,” Festus raised his hand in a conciliatory gesture. “So, do we start Caesar’s calendar on the kid’s birthday?”

“No, man, you don’t start the calendar on his birthday. You start it 8 days later, when he gets his pee-pee serviced.”

“Serviced?!” Festus looked perplexed.

“Circumcised. Snipped,” clarified Zaro. “They do that, you know.”

“Oh, right. The pee-pee snip day. That makes a lot more sense,” agreed Festus. He held his stomach and winced. “Yuck. The chicken livers were spoiled, I think.” He pointed at the empty plate. “Anyway, I think that works. We’ll declare Caesar a saint, and we’ll start his calendar on the day that kid’s dick shed blood. And everyone will celebrate this day going forward as the New Year.”

He sat back with a smile.

“That’s so totally arbitrary,” said Zaro.

“I know,” said Festus. “But it’s as good as anything.”

There was another silence.

“So, you happy now?” asked Zaro carefully.

“I think so,” said Festus.

“Good,” said Zaro, leaned forward and picked up the abacus again.

“Oh, one more question,” interjected Festus. “Did the kid have a normal dick?”

Zaro shrugged. “How the fuck should I know? Probably. If he didn’t, someone would have said something. It was probably normal.”

“Good,” said Festus. “Good, good. It’s all coming up nicely.” He raised his mug. “Happy New Year, man!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to educate, criticize, expose human follies and, well, make fun of things.