Al Qaeda Operative Disillusioned with Unreliable U.S. Transportation System


Following a series of frustrations, prominent Al Qaeda operative Abu-Al-Sudan lashed out at the unreliability of the U.S. transportation system which has made it close to impossible for them to plan and execute attacks.

“Expensive tickets. Delayed flights. You can only book those B or E seats right in the middle where you are stuck between two fat infidels, and you can’t get out to pee, much less hijack the plane,” he complained.

“Subway trains,” he continued. “Dirty and disgusting. Smelling like pee. Running either too late, or two early. You can’t time an explosive device to detonate at the right time. You either end up blowing yourself up early with a couple of confused tourists who, like you, thought they knew when the train was arriving, but were also wrong; or you end up being asked to leave at the last subway stop with the damned vest still ticking strapped around your chest.”

“And New York,” he grunted, kicking a canister on the ground in anger. “Fucking New York City in rush hour. You just rot away parked for hours in a yellow cab. You don’t know if you’ll ever get out. You kind of start daydreaming about going back to Guantanamo, because there at least you get one fifteen-minute walk a day. When you finally start moving, you have already missed the event you were trying to blow up. That, and you have to go real bad, and you better go, because you don’t want to end up in heaven smelling like excrement.”

“No, the U.S. transportation system completely fails to meet the reliability standards that we, terrorists, require to be successful,” he shook his head. “This is why we plan to boycott it this coming holiday season. Me and my friends will probably just spend the holidays spelunking in the caves complex in the rugged lawless region along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border instead. Mandatory vacation as usual, I suppose.”