GOP Hopeful Scott Walker Offers Alternatives to ULG

Flat_Earth_Elephants

In a bid to gain popularity in a race where he has been barely visible, Wisconsin GOP Presidential hopeful Scott Kevin Walker has taken the bold step of offering an alternative view to an established Law that has often been popularly referred to as the Universal Law of Gravity, or ULG.

“I’m willing to stand up against anyone, including members of my own party,” said Walker, “to get the job done. The Universal Law of Gravity needs to be repealed, and that will be the first thing I will do on my first day as President.”

Addressing valid criticism that simply repealing the law is senseless, because a law is needed for understanding our world, he waved off concerns.

“I will be replacing this law with a new one that I have drafted myself,” he said.

A proud almost-graduate of the famous* Marquette University of Milwaukee, WI, Mr. Walker had indeed come up with a 15 page document that addresses all concerns that would otherwise have been addressed by the Universal Law of Gravity. His work is based on an older model (“But hey,” he said, “sticking to old models is what the word ‘conservative’ means!”) which goes a few centuries earlier than Heliocentricity. Specifically, Mr. Walker has brought back the valid and obvious assumption that the Earth is actually flat and that all objects simply fall ‘down’.

“With a flat Earth, the directions of ‘down’ and ‘up’ are obvious,” said Walker. “So, there is no need for complicated Liberal concepts to be introduced. Everything is clear and simple, the way God intended it to be.”

The bold step has indeed endeared Mr. Walker to everyone who believes that existing high school physics may be too much of a burden for adolescent minds.

* Marquette University of Wisconsin is indeed famous, if you knew whom to ask about it in certain Jesuit circles. It is proudly the top institution to offer admission to Governor Walker and they have often expressed their genuine sadness of his failure to graduate, since he is, admittedly, the only former student on record to not complete his education there.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Disclaimer: some information in this article may actually be true. If you encounter such information, take it with a grain of salt, or discard it, if the truth is not your thing.

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U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

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U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

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Photo credited to Jonathan Ernst, Reuters

Republican dominated U.S. Senate today voted 50-49 to reject the previously accepted notion that the speed of light in vacuum is a constant independent of the speed of the observer. This fact was the foundation on which known scientist Albert Einstein built his revolutionary Theory of Relativity.

“Well, look,” said Senator James Mountain “Jim” Inhofe, a senior Republican senator from Oklahoma, “just because someone thinks that light moves at a constant speed in vacuum or anywhere else doesn’t really mean that’s true. People make things up, you know.”

“Besides,” he added, “if you ask me, light doesn’t really move. I’ve got light at home, and I can turn it on or off, but that’s about all you can do with it.”

Scientists have measured the speed of light and have been confirming Einstein’s Theory for decades, both theoretically and experimentally. A lot of these measurements constitute standard part of Physics curricula in academic institutions. None of this data, however, was admissible evidence during the Senate vote.

“Let’s not twist the truth here,” said Senator Inhofe. “We did consider what they called ‘evidence’. You know what the evidence was? Pages of pages of squiggly letters. They weren’t even English. My three-year-old can make up ‘evidence’ like that.”

“I think,” he said, “these so-called ‘scientists’ probably thought we would look at that gibberish, and decide that they are really, really smart, so, we would trust them. Well, guess what? We are not that stupid.”

What will be the next steps after this historic vote?

“The logical next step would be to take all that light garbage out of our kids’ education, who can then concentrate on studying The Book.”

“Oh, and of course, cut all funds for Physics research, and give this taxpayer money to oil companies and the NRA, where these funds are desperately needed.”

Reference: http://popist.com/s/cb5702e/

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.