Donald Trump: I Can Buy the White House and Sell It to a Chinese at a Profit


Always looking for profitable ventures in Real Estate, the successful American business magnate, investor, TV star, writer, golf enthusiast, part-time hair stylist and 2016 Presidential candidate Donald John Trump Sr. today announced his plans to purchase the White House and turn it around for a profit.

“I just sold a $15 million apartment to a Chinese,” he was quoted of saying. “Just imagine how much the same Chinese would pay for the White House.”

We invited him to elaborate.

“Location,” he said simply. “This property is walking distance from one of my golf courses.”

He admits that the property will require some fixing.

“There’s a room that doesn’t have any corners and it’s hard to put any furniture in it,” he said. “I can fix that. There might be some stains on the carpets left from former President Clinton, some cabinets were baby-proofed to make sure former President Bush doesn’t hurt himself. President Obama appears to have installed ten too many bookshelves. That place ain’t meant to be a library. I can rip these off and replace them with built-in bars.”

“But overall,” he said, “no big red flags.”

“Only one in red, white and blue, but I plan to get rid of the blue,” he winked.

Anything else to fix?

“One coat of fresh paint – orange, I think, would be really nice – and the place will sell like hot cakes.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.


Fox News: Obama Kidnapped Judge’s Kids To Force Vote


Fox News has uncovered some shocking new information that may help explain the incomprehensible recent victories of American Democracy: the Obamacare subsidy vote that ensured that Obamacare is here to stay, and the legalization of Gay Marriage in all 50 states.

“Fox discovered that Obama kidnapped the children of Justice Roberts and Justice Kennedy, and held a knife against their throats to force their fathers’ votes,” said Fox News TV Host Bill O’Reilly. “But first,” said O’Reilly, “he decapitated their pets and made them watch.”

According to Fox News, this newly discovered Fox New Fact invalidates both Supreme Court votes, since they were cast under duress and fear.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Presidential Candidates’ Reaction to Equality of Marriage Vote


On Friday, 6/26, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of gay and lesbian Americans to marry, a measure that made history in the steps the United States has taken towards equality of its citizens.

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, who for some unknown reason still believes he is eligible to run for the Presidency, was quick to react. “Repeal,” he summarized his opinion in one word. “We will appeal, and we will repeal,” he said.

Noticing the catchy phrase, he instantly capitalized on it. “Appeal-repeal, appeal-repeal!” he chanted, pumping his fist in the air. One supporter clapped his hands in rhythm with the chant. This allowed the caretakers from the hospital from which this supporter had escaped locate him, and they came rushing to have him removed for his own safety.

“Oh, God! Oooh, God! How could you ever allow such sin on the face of this earth!” mumbled presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, his eyes closed and palms open as if he were reading from the Holy Book. “Wait a second,” he said shortly after, opening his eyes in realization. “This cannot be the work of God. Anathema! Anathema!” he shouted, crossing himself and spitting inside his shirt.

“It won’t hold water,” repeated his first reaction Presidential candidate Marco Rubio of Florida. “It’s full of holes. And one hole is enough for all the water to flow out,” he clarified.

“It’s the second Horseman of the Apocalypse,” said wide-eyed Michele Bachmann. “The first Horseman was the Obamacare vote. We are so near to the Apocalypse, I can smell it!”

“That was me, honey,” whispered her husband Marcus Bachmann who was standing right next to her. “Sorry, I had beans for lunch…”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” said Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush of Florida. He retracted his previous comment that he will wait for his brother’s reaction before he expresses an opinion, but continued to remain ambivalent.

“I think that decision is good,” chimed in newly announced Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “More hotel bookings!” he explained excitedly, rubbing his palms together.

“Awesome news!” said Hillary Clinton. “And Bill, you have nothing to worry about,” she said, addressing her husband and former President Bill Clinton, who appeared to be checking out female campaign staffers with expression of both interest and concern.

“I didn’t order this traffic jam,” said a confused Presidential Candidate Chris Christie looking out of his window, having missed on the news of the Supreme Court decision. “Or did I? Honey, was I drunk last night?” he asked.

More reactions are expected later, as Presidential candidates have a chance to discuss the new ruling with their campaign advisers.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

GOP: Roberts Did Not Do What He Was Elected To Do

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is followed by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia as they arrive for the presidential inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol in Washington January 21, 2013. REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool
Photo credited to REUTERS/Win McNamee/Pool

In a lash of ire over the Supreme Court vote that cemented the role of Obama’s signature healthcare law, GOP representatives accused conservative Chief Justice John Roberts of “not voting according to what he was elected to vote for” and vowed to never allow “another Roberts” to sit on the judicial bench again.

“Who does he think he is?” questioned Curt Levey of the GOP Committee for Justice. “Someone who can just decide on his own how to interpret the law?”

Chief Justice John Roberts is seen by the GOP as a key figure that has been elected to defend their interests and their interests alone. Roberts was nominated by none other than former Republican President George W. Bush, the quintessential model and pinnacle of all things Republican.

“We misjudged Roberts,” said Levey. “We failed by assuming the obvious, that he would be loyal to the people who nominated him instead of trying to play ‘Judge’”.

The historic vote was yet another attempt of the GOP to deny medical insurance to millions of Americans who rely on it. The vote, which addressed the issue of federal subsidies, ensures that medical care is available to everyone, irrespective of income or what state they live in.

Citing political neutrality, Chief Justice Roberts, together with another conservative judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, unexpectedly sided with the American People and voted in accordance to the law.

“He failed us!” lashed out said Carrie Severino, policy director of the conservative Judicial Crisis Network. “He went rogue! He bit the hand that fed him!”

GOP Presidential candidates were also quick to provide their take, making sure the American People know where they stand on the issue.

“First thing I’ll do as President is remove Chief Justice Roberts,” said Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who for some unknown reason still thinks that he is eligible to run for President. “And then the first thing I’ll do is repeal Obamacare,” he vowed.

“What Roberts did doesn’t hold any water,” said Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio from Florida.

I don’t know,” said Presidential hopefu Jeb Bush, also from Florida. “When I say I don’t know, I mean I don’t know.”

“My brother put him there,” he elaborated later. “I’ll ask my brother why and then tell you what I’ll do.”


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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Should Colorado Consider Labeling Pot-Free Foods?


Growing number of food companies in Colorado have started to consider labeling foods that are pot-free.

“It’s rare, but it happens,” said convenience store owner Grecko Tizialis from Denver, CO. “Every now and then, a customer would walk in and ask if we have any items in our store that are pot-free.”

“To be honest, we didn’t know. We didn’t think we had any, but when we conducted an inventory check – would you believe it? We actually found at least 9 pot-free items! Go figure!”

“We want to please all our customers,” said Tizialis. “It may be one person per month who, for some odd reason, might want to purchase a pot-free food item. We may not quite understand why someone would want that, it doesn’t really make any sense, but we still want to be able to meet that customer’s demand, so that they also leave the store happy.”

“Well, as happy as they could be with pot-free food anyway,” he added.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog. Not everything you read in here is true, but if it makes you laugh, or it makes you think, it’s well worth it.

CGI Used to Enhance Tom Cruise in Most of His Movies


Photo credited to Bo Bridges – © 2015 – Paramount Pictures

In a surprising revelation, movie studio Paramount admitted today that CGI was heavily used in all movies of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, including earlier movies like Top Gun.

“Well, it’s not a secret that movie directors use CGI to enhance aspects of actors that need a boost,” shared Mission Impossible director Christopher McQuarrie. “Actors are not perfect, and on the screen, we want them to appear perfect.”

CGI is believed to have been in a very early stage when Top Gun was filmed.

“Yes, at that time, it was all very primitive,” admitted McQuarrie. “We mostly just used bubble wrap and duct tape.”

But later, technology advanced, and special effects became the norm.

“Once we were able to use computers, enhancements got easier – and more sophisticated. Now, every Tom Cruise movie features new and enhanced Tom Cruise.”

What aspects of Tom Cruise specifically needed enhancement?

“Well, his brain, of course,” said McQuarrie, slightly surprised from our unawareness. “The rest of his body was acceptable for screen.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Marco Rubio Voted for Law Forcing Rape Victims to Publish Their Sexual History


In 2001, current Presidential candidate Marco Antonio Rubio voted for the so called Scarlet Letter Law, a law requiring single mothers who want to place their children for adoption to publish their sexual histories in a newspaper.

“Newspapers don’t have enough of that stuff today,” he explained. “Wouldn’t you want to get your Sunday paper and read about someone’s sexual experiences first thing Sunday morning?”

Mr. Rubio encouraged greater detail in the documented sexual encounters.

“The juicier, the better!” he said. “Give us the graphic details. Use dirty words. Make us all see and feel what it felt like.”

The new law requires publication of the sexual histories even of single mothers who have conceived their children as a result of rape.

“Rape!” exclaimed Rubio. “Rape is the best! There isn’t anything that turns a man on like a good rape story.”

We asked if he sees any down side on exposing such deeply troubling, personal stories, especially stories of rape.

“There is,” he said. “It would make Viagra unnecessary and Pfizer would go out of business. A good rape story can get even my grandfather a hard on.”

“Good reminder though,” he said and scribbled something at the back page of the small pocket Bible he was holding. “I should sell my Pfizer stock before the new law starts to take effect.”



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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The article above, just like other stories published in News Sense News is, of course, fiction — satire. However, the fact that Marco Rubio voted for a law requiring single mothers, including rape victims, to publish their sexual histories in a newspaper is true. The law he voted for is sometimes referred to as the Scarlet Letter Law. Read about it. Get informed.

Signing a law such as this one is sick and disgusting. And yet, people vote for politicians who then vote for such laws.

Think about this next time you vote.

“Quick release” Fire Safety Locks to be Installed in Federal Prison


Fire safety concerns have prompted the installation of new “quick release” locks on the cell doors of the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas.

“We need a system that allows inmates to quickly evacuate the prison premises in case of fire,” said prison warden Jeremy MacMillan. “To that effect, we are installing quick release latches on the cell doors, which would make it possible for prisoners to exit their cells and run out to safety in case a fire breaks out.”

Mr. MacMillan, a former inmate at the same facility himself, is intimately familiar with the premises.

“The Leavenworth facility is poorly designed,” he lamented. “It’s very difficult to get out of it. As someone who has tried to escape from it multiple times, I take it very personally to help improve the layout and safety features of the place.”

Mr. MacMillan’s genuine concern for the wellbeing of the prisoners is very personal, as he had become good friends with many of them when he served time for armed burglary and premeditated murder a decade earlier.

“Yes, I know Jack ‘Strangler’ Kelly and Bugs Falconetti very well,” MacMillan shared. “Back in the day, I remember planning with them the beating of that new kid, Tony Tinny, who thought he didn’t have to play by the rules.”

“Jack and I still hang out together sometimes,” smiled MacMillan melancholically. “I help him get cigarettes, belts, what have you.”

“Jack’s big into belts,” he added. 

The new locks will be installed sometime in the next decade.

“Many of the inmates here today will still be here at that time to take advantage of the enhanced safety,” said MacMillan. “Except, perhaps, Thornton James, who’ll be turning 92 next week. And maybe Clyde Pinkerton,” he added, “who, I heard, will be murdered.”

Such is prison life.

To all who have praised MacMillan’s initiative, he humbly says: “I’m glad to be of help.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Texas Cop Not a Racist, Just a Regular Asshole, Attorney Says


Texas cop David Eric Casebolt, a video of whom surfaced on the Internet showing him running around amok after black teens, ordering them to the ground, pushing a thin black teenage girl onto her face and putting his knee on her back to hold her down, drawing his handgun and pointing it at black teenagers at least twice during the duration of the video, is not a racist, said his attorney Jane Bishkin.

“He enjoys shouting at people and pushing them around in general. Brutality is part of his personality. He does not discriminate by race,” said Mrs. Bishkin. “He’s just a regular asshole. Nothing more to it.”

She plans to use that fact as the central argument in Mr. Casebolt’s defense in the extremely unlikely event that charges are pressed against Mr. Casebolt.

“Being an asshole is not illegal,” she confirmed. “and that’s all that Mr. Casebolt is.”

Mrs. Bishkin plans to draw on numerous examples from Mr. Casebolt’s past to prove her point.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Proof that UFOs Likely Contain Intelligent Life


David Brickham considers himself to be not only an avid Dungeons and Dragons player, but also a devoted UFO enthusiast. Ever since his early teens, he has been spending most of his free time, in fact, most of his time, in his parents’ basement, looking through newspaper clippings and later on, as technology advanced, browsing the web for evidence of extraterrestrial life. Now in his mid-fourties, he believes he has found the proof that intelligent life is the reason behind UFOs that have been appearing through history.

“I just decided to approach this scientifically,” said David. “I looked at UFO data. Specifically, I looked at the frequency of UFO sightings, and correlated them to presence of technology that allows them to be documented.”

David found a surprising result. The more human technology advanced, the fewer UFOs were observed.

“This was counter-intuitive,” explained David. “We now have a lot more satellites, a lot more surveillance, and lot more capabilities to document events. Everyone now carries a cell phone and is able to snap a photo the moment they see a UFO. You would think that this way there would be more sightings.”

But the data showed the opposite. As technology became more available, sightings became fewer.

For David, there was only one explanation.

“They must now be INTENTIONALLY hiding from us,” he said. “They must KNOW that we now have better capabilities to detect them.”

That kind of adaptive behavior could only be attributed to one reason.
“Intelligence!” said David. “They must be intelligent, so they take action to evade exposure!”

David intends to continue spending the rest of his life browsing the internet in his parents’ basement so he can further confirm his conclusions.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

To the great surprise of its author, the blog has taken the unexpected turn of discussing politics and politicians more than originally intended; ignorance and narrow mindedness seem to be abundant in the field of politics. Still, the author continues to hope that lighter topics like this one will continue to crop up, since we all need to relax and enjoy our days more.