Paul Ryan Opens Up About Principles

On Thursday, June 21, Paul Davis Ryan Jr., the departing 54th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, unexpectedly opened up, letting the world know that he has secretly and silently harbored principles that he had never previously shared with anyone, including those closest to him.

“That is right,” he confirmed. “The time has come for me to come clean. I cannot hide this any longer.”

It was not immediately clear what principles he was referring to, but more specifics, Ryan alluded, could be shared at some unspecified future time, when he was “ready”.

The sudden admission left his fellow politicians confused and upset. Ryan, already 48 years old, had been elected as a Speaker of the Republican-controlled House precisely for his obvious and outspoken lack of principles.

“Had we known this previously,” stated stone-faced Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell (“Mitch”) McConnell Jr., “we would clearly not have elected the double-faced liar to lead the House.”

Ryan’s wife, Janna Ryan, wept as she held their three children Samuel, Charles and Elizabeth.

“How could he do this to us?” she kept saying. “How could he? He seemed so perfectly heartless, so perfectly hypocritical. He had been acting a part all along.”

There are no words to express the shock and sadness of so many, who had admired Ryan for his lack of moral compass and even basic compassion. Only time would tell how those deep wounds would be healed.

Source: Paul Ryan Has Sacrificed the Rest of His Principles (Bloomberg)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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White House Jokes Lightheartedly About John McCain

Earlier this week, following Senator John McCain opposition of president Trumps CIA nominee Gina Haspel, White House aide Kelly Sadler took a lighthearted approach.

“He is dying anyway,” she joked* (see source).

A good number of White House employees exploded in laughter at her witty humor.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders could barely speak from her giggles as tears streamed from her eyes.

“And he… he…” she kept saying, trying to build on Sadler’s joke, “he is in a lot of pain! He is going to die in pain!” She was holding on her stomach, bent over from her laughing fit.

President Trump brushed aside at the general uplifted spirit on his staff.

“They are just having fun!” he said. “They work very, very hard every day. They deserve to have some time to laugh and enjoy the terrific news about that captured loser John McCain, who won’t be around for too much longer.”

The White House, Trump said, has been in a constant state of laughter ever since he was elected President.

*Source: White House Aide Jokes About Dying McCain (CNN)

Source: White House Refuses to Apologize for Kelly Sadler Joke about McCain (NY Times)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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Author’s note: Satire can showcase human follies, but nothing, NOTHING can do justice in showcasing the sickness and degradation of this administration. Mr. McCain, you are a hero, Sir. You are what makes America great.

McCain Does Not Want Trump Attending His Funeral

Early on Monday, May 7, U.S. Senator John Sidney McCain re-iterated his earlier statement that he, personally, would not want current president Donald J. Trump attending his funeral (see NBC News Article below) .

“This is a situation that I find unacceptable on multiple levels,” said McCain.

His preference, McCain confirmed, as well as the preference of more than 65% of all Americans, would be that he, John McCain, attends Trump’s funeral instead.

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Source: McCain Does Not Want Trump at Funeral (NBC News)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to provide entertainment. It is often, as in this case, inspired by very, very real news.

Trump’s Legal Team and Their Duties

Recent news had suggested that president Donald J. Trump is having a difficult time finding talented American lawyers to represent him in various matters related to his life before and after he was elected president.

Today, Mr. Trump let us know via a tweet that this is a “vicious lie” and “fabrication” made up by the “fake news media”, a term he frequently uses to refer to anyone who is not Fox News.

Specifically, Mr. Trump pointed to two top American lawyers who will be representing him as follows.

American lawyer Genadiy “Jay” Sekulow will be representing president Trump with any matter related to Russia. This includes matters related to Mueller’s Russia Probe, as well as other unspecified “private” matters that are, according to Mr. Trump, “of personal nature”. Mr. Sekulow will be working closely with several other not very well-known but otherwise very talented American lawyers such as Dmitriy “Dale” Poddelkin, Igor “Irwin” Ljetzov and Natasha “Nancy” Pokrivalova.

Recent addition to Donald Trump’s legal team is American politician and lawyer Roberto “Rudy” Giuliani. On the books, Giuliani will be handling a variety of legal issues for Mr. Trump. In reality, however, he had been hired to deal with some unspecified “business” related to “taxes” and “friends” that Mr. Trump has been having dealing with in a small Mediterranean country. Mr. Giuliani’s counsel includes American lawyers Marco “Mitch” Crimini, Angelo “Andy” Nasconde, and Luka “Larry” Teppista.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

“Obama Shat in My Pants”, Mitch McConnell

On Friday, 9/30/16, Senate Majority Leader and United States Senator from Kentucky Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell found an unexpected piece of excrement in the seat of his pants. The piece had presumably appeared there the day before during his participation in one of the increasingly infrequent sessions of the United States Senate.

“I have no idea how it got there,” Mr. McConnell was quoted stating. “I mean, I did what I usually do in these sessions. Usually, what I produce is placed in the seat of other people’s pants. But this time, this didn’t happen. It’s disgusting, really.”

While Mr. McConnell feels “strange” about what happened, he is clear and obvious to him who is to blame.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this was Obama’s doing,” said McConnell. “Not a shred of doubt,” he stated with his characteristic long-faced stare. “Obama is the one who shat in my pants.”

Source: Senators Blame Obama for Not Helping Them Understand Their Own Bill

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Poll Finds Trump, Clinton Tied

Zbinek Gjdanovski, a national of the Republic of Poland, was just looking for a restroom when he walked into the Royal Payne hotel in Manhattan, NYC. He walked past the concierge, where a small line of men dressed in dark business suits had lined up patiently. He walked past the dark, green marble reception desk, where a busy receptionist was chatting away on the phone with a professional expression on his clean shaven face. Finally, he turned a corner and walked into what he believed would be a restroom.

He found himself in a luxurious, posh decorated hotel room, with its heavy, plush crimson curtains drawn shut. The only light came from a small, red bed lamp with hanging golden macramé, which reflected in the mirrored ceiling.

On the heavy mahogany bed, naked, lay the current Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump and the current Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. They were tied by the wrists with soft, velvet ropes, facing each other, on opposing headboards.

The two Presidential Candidates were slightly surprised by the visitor, and asked if he were by any chance Ruby Cream, the dressed-as-a-male lady they had both been expecting. Finding that Zbinek was just a random walk-in, the two hastily asked if he would be interested in getting $15,000 for a short game of “Follow My Presidential Orders”. When Mr. Gjdanovski politely declined, the two commanded him to leave and keep his mouth shut or else “the Second Amendement People” would take care of him. The latter statement came from Mr. Trump.

Correction: Our writing staff just found out that the word “poll”, spelled “p-o-l-l”, in the title, actually refers to a questionnaire sent out to potential voters, and not, as they initially assumed, to a citizen of Polish nationality, which would have been spelled “P-o-l-e”. There was a similar misunderstanding of the term “tied”. News Sense News is therefore withdrawing this story and apologizing for any inadvertent misunderstanding it may have caused.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news.

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Post Correction:

Due to the correction above, our team has been unable to share the alleged photo of this alleged occurrence, now found to be due to simple title misunderstanding. Had this misunderstanding not taken place, we would have shared the following photo with you to illustrate what Mr. Gjdanovski encountered when he mistakenly entered this unexpected hotel room.

hands_tied_to_bed

Trump Announces That He Will be His Own VP

After what appeared to be significant vetting of what he called “a variety of mediocre options”, the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump has finally come up with a running mate: Donald Trump.

“Look, folks,” he said to a group of shocked reporters, “I looked everywhere. Everywhere. And I asked everyone. Everyone who made sense. And you know what? They were all bad. All bad. Terrible.”

The failed search did not discourage the intrepid presidential nominee. The apparent impasse he was in gave birth to an idea.

“I asked myself,” Trump shared, “who is the only one in the world, the only one who can be a worthy running mate to the greatest president the United States is ever going to have. And the answer was obvious.”

“Donald John Trump!” he announced. “That’s right. I am going to be my own Vice President. And it will be tremendous. I tell you, folks, it will be tremendous.”

We consulted our legal team to the constitutionality of Donald Trump’s decision, and they shrugged.

“The constitution does not prohibit it,” they said. “This means it’s allowed.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

North Korea Re-Endorses Donald Trump for President

On Thursday, 07/06, DPRK Today, the Government-sponsored Editorial of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), also commonly known as North Korea, re-stated their enthusiastic endorsement of Republican Presidential candidate Donald John Trump as their preferred choice for U.S. President.

(Read The Huffington Post News of the DPRK’s original endorsement or the actual DPRK Today article (Korean))

Trump is a “wise politician” and a “far-sighted presidential candidate”, the DPRK article stated. He is insightful as well as handsome. He, alone, would be the best thing that could happen to the Democratic People’s Republic. Ever.

We were able to sneak in a carefully disguised reporter into the DPRK, who, in turn, was able to provide us with a realistic idea of the general sentiment on the ground.

“I’m euphoric,” said DPRK citizen Pak Pong-ju, who limped across a city square, leaning on a wooden stick that he used as a cane. “I’ve been skipping along the street all day. The news of Donald Trump’s nomination is the best thing I’ve heard for years!”

“My heart is singing,” said Song Do-Hui, a thin, malnourished young lady wearing a ragged T-shirt with a large red star. “This is the day our Communist fathers predicted will come.”

“Never before have I woken up with such a feeling with optimism!” exclaimed Huang Pyong-so, an elderly, homeless man, who had just been told the news by the driver of the garbage truck who came to collect the garbage behind which Huang was sleeping.

The country’s Supreme Leader and Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea Kim Jong-un also expressed his happiness in a televised speech.

“Comrades!” he stated. “We may very well be close to our goal. Very, very close. All we need to do is hope, as we have hoped for generations, that Donald Trump is elected President of our mortal capitalist enemy, the United States of America. On that day, finally, we will see our decades-old dreams realized.”

He declined to comment on the nature of the said dreams, but re-affirmed his certainty that other great leaders such as Iran’s Supreme Leader, Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei, would also echo his enthusiastic endorsement of possible Trump presidency.

Source: Huffington Post, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/north-korea-donald-trump-editorial_us_574d94c6e4b055bb1172a366

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Trump: I Would be a Better Boxer than Ali

Following his Thursday night statement that he would be a better choice for women than female Presidential nominee, feminist, and women’s rights champion Hillary Rodham Clinton,  presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump stated that he would make a better boxer than recently diseased heavyweight world champion and boxing legend Muhammad Ali.

“You know this is true, folks,” said Trump. “You know it is true. You tell me, who is a better boxer than Donald Trump?”

Asked if he had ever boxed in his life, Trump said.

“Look, I don’t talk about it, ok?” he said. “I’m just gonna do it. I’ll do it. People tell me that all the time. I’m just gonna do it. And it will be tremendous.”

Later that day, Trump went on to further claim that he would also be a better singer than American rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

Amazed Marco Rubio Visits the United States Capitol

A wide-eyed Marco Rubio, Junior U.S. Senator from Florida and former contender for the Republican presidential nomination, was seen entering the United States Capitol early Thursday morning.

“Wow,” he was heard saying, shaking his head in amazement. “Just wow! Such an awesome building!”

Rubio’s visit lasted more than an hour, during which the U.S. Senator spend time marveling at the art and murals displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, as well as admiring the magnificent fresco painted on the interior of the Capital Dome by the Italian/Greek American artist Constantino Brumidi in 1865.

“I’m so glad I took this trip,” Rubio told reporters. “Seeing this historic building with my own eyes has been a transforming experience. I will surely remember this moment for the rest of my life.”

The reason for Rubio’s trip has been his recent consideration whether or not he should seek another term as a U.S. Senator.

“It’s a tough decision,” confessed Rubio, “but seeing the building where I’m supposed to be working might just tilt the balance one way or the other.”

Rubio admitted that while serving as a U.S. senator he had had multiple opportunities to visit the Capitol and even vote during some of the numerous sessions of Congress which had taken place while he was a U.S. Senator. However, he had not found the time or interest to take advantage of these opportunities earlier.

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he lamented, “and this place is kind of far from where I live. But who knows, maybe I’ll run for Senator again, and maybe I’ll end up visiting this place a second time at some point in the future. It’s worth it, it’s totally worth it!”

He pointed at “The Apotheosis of Washington“, an elaborate painting of a deified version of George Washington surrounded by 13 maidens, and at “Frieze of American History“, a similarly spectacular painting depicting the chronological history of the United States from the landing of Christopher Columbus to the first flight of the Wright Brothers.

“Someone spent a lot of time painting these,” he observed. “This wasn’t your regular paint-job contractor. Even I can tell that.”

Mr. Rubio’s visit may very well play a role in his upcoming decision. He plans to announce his future office plans within at most a few months.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: