“Obama Shat in My Pants”, Mitch McConnell

On Friday, 9/30/16, Senate Majority Leader and United States Senator from Kentucky Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell found an unexpected piece of excrement in the seat of his pants. The piece had presumably appeared there the day before during his participation in one of the increasingly infrequent sessions of the United States Senate.

“I have no idea how it got there,” Mr. McConnell was quoted stating. “I mean, I did what I usually do in these sessions. Usually, what I produce is placed in the seat of other people’s pants. But this time, this didn’t happen. It’s disgusting, really.”

While Mr. McConnell feels “strange” about what happened, he is clear and obvious to him who is to blame.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this was Obama’s doing,” said McConnell. “Not a shred of doubt,” he stated with his characteristic long-faced stare. “Obama is the one who shat in my pants.”

Source: Senators Blame Obama for Not Helping Them Understand Their Own Bill

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Poll Finds Trump, Clinton Tied

Zbinek Gjdanovski, a national of the Republic of Poland, was just looking for a restroom when he walked into the Royal Payne hotel in Manhattan, NYC. He walked past the concierge, where a small line of men dressed in dark business suits had lined up patiently. He walked past the dark, green marble reception desk, where a busy receptionist was chatting away on the phone with a professional expression on his clean shaven face. Finally, he turned a corner and walked into what he believed would be a restroom.

He found himself in a luxurious, posh decorated hotel room, with its heavy, plush crimson curtains drawn shut. The only light came from a small, red bed lamp with hanging golden macramé, which reflected in the mirrored ceiling.

On the heavy mahogany bed, naked, lay the current Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump and the current Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. They were tied by the wrists with soft, velvet ropes, facing each other, on opposing headboards.

The two Presidential Candidates were slightly surprised by the visitor, and asked if he were by any chance Ruby Cream, the dressed-as-a-male lady they had both been expecting. Finding that Zbinek was just a random walk-in, the two hastily asked if he would be interested in getting $15,000 for a short game of “Follow My Presidential Orders”. When Mr. Gjdanovski politely declined, the two commanded him to leave and keep his mouth shut or else “the Second Amendement People” would take care of him. The latter statement came from Mr. Trump.

Correction: Our writing staff just found out that the word “poll”, spelled “p-o-l-l”, in the title, actually refers to a questionnaire sent out to potential voters, and not, as they initially assumed, to a citizen of Polish nationality, which would have been spelled “P-o-l-e”. There was a similar misunderstanding of the term “tied”. News Sense News is therefore withdrawing this story and apologizing for any inadvertent misunderstanding it may have caused.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news.

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Post Correction:

Due to the correction above, our team has been unable to share the alleged photo of this alleged occurrence, now found to be due to simple title misunderstanding. Had this misunderstanding not taken place, we would have shared the following photo with you to illustrate what Mr. Gjdanovski encountered when he mistakenly entered this unexpected hotel room.

hands_tied_to_bed

Trump Announces That He Will be His Own VP

After what appeared to be significant vetting of what he called “a variety of mediocre options”, the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump has finally come up with a running mate: Donald Trump.

“Look, folks,” he said to a group of shocked reporters, “I looked everywhere. Everywhere. And I asked everyone. Everyone who made sense. And you know what? They were all bad. All bad. Terrible.”

The failed search did not discourage the intrepid presidential nominee. The apparent impasse he was in gave birth to an idea.

“I asked myself,” Trump shared, “who is the only one in the world, the only one who can be a worthy running mate to the greatest president the United States is ever going to have. And the answer was obvious.”

“Donald John Trump!” he announced. “That’s right. I am going to be my own Vice President. And it will be tremendous. I tell you, folks, it will be tremendous.”

We consulted our legal team to the constitutionality of Donald Trump’s decision, and they shrugged.

“The constitution does not prohibit it,” they said. “This means it’s allowed.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

North Korea Re-Endorses Donald Trump for President

On Thursday, 07/06, DPRK Today, the Government-sponsored Editorial of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), also commonly known as North Korea, re-stated their enthusiastic endorsement of Republican Presidential candidate Donald John Trump as their preferred choice for U.S. President.

(Read The Huffington Post News of the DPRK’s original endorsement or the actual DPRK Today article (Korean))

Trump is a “wise politician” and a “far-sighted presidential candidate”, the DPRK article stated. He is insightful as well as handsome. He, alone, would be the best thing that could happen to the Democratic People’s Republic. Ever.

We were able to sneak in a carefully disguised reporter into the DPRK, who, in turn, was able to provide us with a realistic idea of the general sentiment on the ground.

“I’m euphoric,” said DPRK citizen Pak Pong-ju, who limped across a city square, leaning on a wooden stick that he used as a cane. “I’ve been skipping along the street all day. The news of Donald Trump’s nomination is the best thing I’ve heard for years!”

“My heart is singing,” said Song Do-Hui, a thin, malnourished young lady wearing a ragged T-shirt with a large red star. “This is the day our Communist fathers predicted will come.”

“Never before have I woken up with such a feeling with optimism!” exclaimed Huang Pyong-so, an elderly, homeless man, who had just been told the news by the driver of the garbage truck who came to collect the garbage behind which Huang was sleeping.

The country’s Supreme Leader and Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea Kim Jong-un also expressed his happiness in a televised speech.

“Comrades!” he stated. “We may very well be close to our goal. Very, very close. All we need to do is hope, as we have hoped for generations, that Donald Trump is elected President of our mortal capitalist enemy, the United States of America. On that day, finally, we will see our decades-old dreams realized.”

He declined to comment on the nature of the said dreams, but re-affirmed his certainty that other great leaders such as Iran’s Supreme Leader, Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei, would also echo his enthusiastic endorsement of possible Trump presidency.

Source: Huffington Post, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/north-korea-donald-trump-editorial_us_574d94c6e4b055bb1172a366

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Trump: I Would be a Better Boxer than Ali

Following his Thursday night statement that he would be a better choice for women than female Presidential nominee, feminist, and women’s rights champion Hillary Rodham Clinton,  presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump stated that he would make a better boxer than recently diseased heavyweight world champion and boxing legend Muhammad Ali.

“You know this is true, folks,” said Trump. “You know it is true. You tell me, who is a better boxer than Donald Trump?”

Asked if he had ever boxed in his life, Trump said.

“Look, I don’t talk about it, ok?” he said. “I’m just gonna do it. I’ll do it. People tell me that all the time. I’m just gonna do it. And it will be tremendous.”

Later that day, Trump went on to further claim that he would also be a better singer than American rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

Amazed Marco Rubio Visits the United States Capitol

A wide-eyed Marco Rubio, Junior U.S. Senator from Florida and former contender for the Republican presidential nomination, was seen entering the United States Capitol early Thursday morning.

“Wow,” he was heard saying, shaking his head in amazement. “Just wow! Such an awesome building!”

Rubio’s visit lasted more than an hour, during which the U.S. Senator spend time marveling at the art and murals displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, as well as admiring the magnificent fresco painted on the interior of the Capital Dome by the Italian/Greek American artist Constantino Brumidi in 1865.

“I’m so glad I took this trip,” Rubio told reporters. “Seeing this historic building with my own eyes has been a transforming experience. I will surely remember this moment for the rest of my life.”

The reason for Rubio’s trip has been his recent consideration whether or not he should seek another term as a U.S. Senator.

“It’s a tough decision,” confessed Rubio, “but seeing the building where I’m supposed to be working might just tilt the balance one way or the other.”

Rubio admitted that while serving as a U.S. senator he had had multiple opportunities to visit the Capitol and even vote during some of the numerous sessions of Congress which had taken place while he was a U.S. Senator. However, he had not found the time or interest to take advantage of these opportunities earlier.

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he lamented, “and this place is kind of far from where I live. But who knows, maybe I’ll run for Senator again, and maybe I’ll end up visiting this place a second time at some point in the future. It’s worth it, it’s totally worth it!”

He pointed at “The Apotheosis of Washington“, an elaborate painting of a deified version of George Washington surrounded by 13 maidens, and at “Frieze of American History“, a similarly spectacular painting depicting the chronological history of the United States from the landing of Christopher Columbus to the first flight of the Wright Brothers.

“Someone spent a lot of time painting these,” he observed. “This wasn’t your regular paint-job contractor. Even I can tell that.”

Mr. Rubio’s visit may very well play a role in his upcoming decision. He plans to announce his future office plans within at most a few months.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

 

 

Donald Trump to Build Wall Inside United States Capitol

It is no secret that presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump has not been particularly popular neither amongst the members of his own party, nor amongst their Democratic counterparts in Congress. Yet, he appeared to not be concerned at all of that fact in our Wednesday interview.

“That’s ok folks,” he downplayed the opposition he was facing. “That’s ok. Because, you know what? When we win this election – and we will win it, mark my words, we will win it – we will build a wall. We will build a wall in the middle of Congress. And it will be a tremendous wall.”

We asked Mr. Trump to explain the purpose of his new wall.

“It’s very simple,” explained the presumptive Republican nominee. “Those who disagree will be on one side. And those who agree – and there will be many, folks, believe me, there will be hundreds, maybe thousands Congressmen who will agree with me, we are the majority, we care about this country – those who agree will stand on the other side with me. And we will work together. We will be the best team America ever had. We will work together to make this country great again.”

Asked about the rationale behind his unprecedented idea, Mr. Trump offered an explanation.

“Look,” he said. “When Democrats, or establishment Republicans – which, by the way, is the same thing, really, it’s the same thing, especially when they are Latinos – when these people send anyone to Congress, they are not sending their best. They are sending people that have lots of problems. They are bringing drugs. They are bringing crime. They are rapists. And some, I assume, may be good people.”

We reminded Mr. Trump that Congress has been lawfully elected to represent the people of America, and that it is more in need of unity than of more divisive measures which would only render it even more ineffective and impotent.

“The wall just got 6 feet higher,” warned Trump.

We had to end the interview early out of concern that if his wall were to grow even a bit more, it could cause structural damage to the United State Capitol, which, among other things, is a historical monument.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: Democrats Distracting Americans from the Most Relevant Issues