Comedian Jon Stewart Spares American Lives by Retiring


“Laughing Death Syndrome” (LDS) is one of the least documented causes of sudden and unexpected human mortality. It occurs when a subject gets into an uncontrollable laughing fit preventing them from taking in sufficient amount of oxygen and causing severe convulsions of the subject’s ribcage muscles, which lead their hearts into an arrhythmia followed by a cardiac arrest.

LDS may be treatable if the laughing fit is relatively mild, and if the subject has immediate access to medical care.

The popular Daily Show host and political satirist Jonathan Stewart Leibowitz, a.k.a, “Jon Stewart” became aware of the dangers of the LDS when the Director of the prestigious New York’s Cardiac Diagnostic Center, Dr. Steven Reisman, MD, approached him with documentation outlining the causes and dangers of this fatal condition in December 2014.

“I wanted Jon to be aware,” shared Mr. Reisman. “As a successful and popular comedian, he is responsible for a lot of people laughing their *sses off out there, and that, as we have seen, carries significant risk of LDS.”

Jon Stewart took this feedback seriously. He considered known upcoming political events and the possibility of his show causing people to laugh uncontrollably.

“Consider even just the upcoming election in 2016,” Mr. Stewart said. “Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Rick Perry, Rand Paul, whatever that Huckabee character is, all running at the same time. That alone can produce enough comedy to annihilate a small nation via LDS.”

Mr. Stewart thought, and thought hard. America may not be a small nation, but it would surely suffer great damage if a large percent of its population died of laughter.

“There was only one thing I could do to save lives,” said Jon Stewart. “I decided to retire so I could save as many as possible.”

Isn’t there danger of people dying of laughter anyway irrespective of his retiring?

“Of course there is,” admitted Stewart, “but I am hoping that the laughing fits that people would have when these presidential clowns blabber on TV would be more on the wincing side than consisting of actual deep, uncontrollable laughter coming from genuine appreciation of intelligent humor.”

We will of course miss Mr. Stewart’s unparalleled sense of humor, but we have to bow to his deep, self-sacrificial concern for the safety of the American Nation.

Best of luck to him with whatever comes next!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.