Pokemon GO Not Allowed in Republican National Convention

It’s official: the popular augmented reality smartphone app Pokemon GO will NOT be allowed in the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.

“We can’t afford to have our delegates wandering around the Convention center, searching for Pokespots, collecting Pokeballs, or trying to cover distance so they can incubate and hatch Pokemon eggs during scheduled speeches,” stated House Speaker Paul Davis Ryan. “It’s been difficult to find speakers willing to dedicate time from their usually idle daily schedules to speak at the convention as is.”

Ryan acknowledged that in the past, games and other entertainment had been allowed at the convention.

“Republican delegates do need to keep themselves entertained during the typically 45 minute long speeches or sessions,” he acknowledged. “It’s tough on their attention span to listen to an entire speech, particularly because they already know that Latinos are rapists and Muslims are terrorists.”

However, this time, unprecedented precautions needed to be taken.

“Cleveland, Ohio is an open-carry state,” explained Ryan. “It may be too dangerous if a delegate wanders off mistakenly outside the premises, lured by a lucrative Pokemon capture at a landmark, and gets accidentally shot. Hence the Pokemon GO ban.”

What are the chances of such an accidental death?

“It’s hard to tell,” said Ryan. “It is illegal to collect data on gun deaths, so, fortunately, we have no idea.”

But he acknowledged that it’s prudent to exercise basic precaution.

“Any random gun owner out there may be drunk, or upset, or even intentionally homicidal,” he said. “We can’t just risk delegates getting outside unprotected when they feel they want to toss a few Pokeballs around.”

Still, he expressed confidence that security was doing all they could. Specifically, the entrants to the convention’s 1.7 square mile secure zone are prohibited from bringing, swords, hatchets, axes, slingshots, BB guns, pellet guns, kinder eggs and metal knuckles (read full list of prohibited items in the CNN article here) and now, the Pokemon GO app.

Entrants are, naturally, still allowed to openly hold live firearms (refer to same CNN article here for confirmation).

“Of course, ” said Ryan. “Absolutely, positively, 100%, of course. We are not going to infringe on the Second Amendment, or, alternatively, ever risk to upset our sponsor, the NRA, who wants to make sure no one, ever, under any circumstance, is prevented from purchasing a lethal weapon.”

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Article is based on following CNN story: Security Fears Mount Ahead of GOP Convention
Also relevant: RNC, Guns OK, Tennis Balls Not

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

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Second Amendment Upheld in Texas

Nucleus_Cartoon_2

Today, Texan High Court upheld the right of the American people to own weapons-grade Uranium at home.

“The Second Amendment is clear,” said Justice Neil Shelley. “Americans have the right to bear arms so they can protect themselves when their safety is threatened. The amendment does not in any way, shape or form specify what types of arms. It is therefore lawful for residents to own weapons-grade Uranium as a means of protection or deterrent.”

“Of course,” he added, “it may be unreasonable for a family to own a weapon that can obliterate more than, say, several city blocks. An average family of eight would likely, and hopefully, never need this kind of firepower. Still, should the need arise, a family should have access to weapons as powerful as they need.”

Wilhelm Wynacht a resident of Abilene, TX, applauded the decision too.

“This helps me sleep better at night,” he said. “Many may not know, but only several blocks from my house, there lives a man called Ahmet Hussein. I found this disturbing fact completely by chance, when I was passing near his mailbox. Without weapons-grade Uranium at home, what is to stop someone like him from strapping on a suicide vest and blowing himself up at my kids’ school?”

Asked if it’s possible that Mr Hussein may be American born and thus entitled to have access to the same stockpiles, Mr. Wynacht laughed.

“You are joking, right? What American would name his child Ahmet?”

His neighbors Adolph and Greta Hettler, both fifth generation Americans, nodded in agreement.

Glen Ashburn, a private investor in the American weapons industry also chimed in. “This is a decisive victory for Democracy,” he said. “It clears the way for families to purchase Uranium enrichment centrifuges for their basements and back yards, a freedom that many have fought hard to earn. Of course, there will be flexible payment plans.”

Asked why other countries are not allowed the same freedoms, Glen explained in simple terms. “Freedom is a prerogative only of civilized nations. They, alone, have the privilege of having decent, law-abiding citizens. You can’t give a weapon to someone who might use it to cause harm.”

Anti-gun advocacy groups have expressed concern that the new law may result in higher risk of accidental or even deliberate deaths due to detonations of make-shift nuclear devices or radiation exposure.

“Well, of course, risks exist, just as with anything else,” said an unidentified Government official, who insisted on remaining anonymous due to pending litigation for bribery and corruption. “You sell someone a pencil, and they could stick it in their eye. Where will we end up if we stop selling pencils to our people? Or, for that matter, if we stop selling?”

He declined to comment on an unrelated question involving a large deposit of money into an offshore account, since, technically, for tax purposes, he is not obligated to report it.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news, that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.