Paul Ryan Opens Up About Principles

On Thursday, June 21, Paul Davis Ryan Jr., the departing 54th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, unexpectedly opened up, letting the world know that he has secretly and silently harbored principles that he had never previously shared with anyone, including those closest to him.

“That is right,” he confirmed. “The time has come for me to come clean. I cannot hide this any longer.”

It was not immediately clear what principles he was referring to, but more specifics, Ryan alluded, could be shared at some unspecified future time, when he was “ready”.

The sudden admission left his fellow politicians confused and upset. Ryan, already 48 years old, had been elected as a Speaker of the Republican-controlled House precisely for his obvious and outspoken lack of principles.

“Had we known this previously,” stated stone-faced Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell (“Mitch”) McConnell Jr., “we would clearly not have elected the double-faced liar to lead the House.”

Ryan’s wife, Janna Ryan, wept as she held their three children Samuel, Charles and Elizabeth.

“How could he do this to us?” she kept saying. “How could he? He seemed so perfectly heartless, so perfectly hypocritical. He had been acting a part all along.”

There are no words to express the shock and sadness of so many, who had admired Ryan for his lack of moral compass and even basic compassion. Only time would tell how those deep wounds would be healed.

Source: Paul Ryan Has Sacrificed the Rest of His Principles (Bloomberg)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

“Obama Shat in My Pants”, Mitch McConnell

On Friday, 9/30/16, Senate Majority Leader and United States Senator from Kentucky Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell found an unexpected piece of excrement in the seat of his pants. The piece had presumably appeared there the day before during his participation in one of the increasingly infrequent sessions of the United States Senate.

“I have no idea how it got there,” Mr. McConnell was quoted stating. “I mean, I did what I usually do in these sessions. Usually, what I produce is placed in the seat of other people’s pants. But this time, this didn’t happen. It’s disgusting, really.”

While Mr. McConnell feels “strange” about what happened, he is clear and obvious to him who is to blame.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this was Obama’s doing,” said McConnell. “Not a shred of doubt,” he stated with his characteristic long-faced stare. “Obama is the one who shat in my pants.”

Source: Senators Blame Obama for Not Helping Them Understand Their Own Bill

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump Announces That He Will be His Own VP

After what appeared to be significant vetting of what he called “a variety of mediocre options”, the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump has finally come up with a running mate: Donald Trump.

“Look, folks,” he said to a group of shocked reporters, “I looked everywhere. Everywhere. And I asked everyone. Everyone who made sense. And you know what? They were all bad. All bad. Terrible.”

The failed search did not discourage the intrepid presidential nominee. The apparent impasse he was in gave birth to an idea.

“I asked myself,” Trump shared, “who is the only one in the world, the only one who can be a worthy running mate to the greatest president the United States is ever going to have. And the answer was obvious.”

“Donald John Trump!” he announced. “That’s right. I am going to be my own Vice President. And it will be tremendous. I tell you, folks, it will be tremendous.”

We consulted our legal team to the constitutionality of Donald Trump’s decision, and they shrugged.

“The constitution does not prohibit it,” they said. “This means it’s allowed.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Amazed Marco Rubio Visits the United States Capitol

A wide-eyed Marco Rubio, Junior U.S. Senator from Florida and former contender for the Republican presidential nomination, was seen entering the United States Capitol early Thursday morning.

“Wow,” he was heard saying, shaking his head in amazement. “Just wow! Such an awesome building!”

Rubio’s visit lasted more than an hour, during which the U.S. Senator spend time marveling at the art and murals displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, as well as admiring the magnificent fresco painted on the interior of the Capital Dome by the Italian/Greek American artist Constantino Brumidi in 1865.

“I’m so glad I took this trip,” Rubio told reporters. “Seeing this historic building with my own eyes has been a transforming experience. I will surely remember this moment for the rest of my life.”

The reason for Rubio’s trip has been his recent consideration whether or not he should seek another term as a U.S. Senator.

“It’s a tough decision,” confessed Rubio, “but seeing the building where I’m supposed to be working might just tilt the balance one way or the other.”

Rubio admitted that while serving as a U.S. senator he had had multiple opportunities to visit the Capitol and even vote during some of the numerous sessions of Congress which had taken place while he was a U.S. Senator. However, he had not found the time or interest to take advantage of these opportunities earlier.

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he lamented, “and this place is kind of far from where I live. But who knows, maybe I’ll run for Senator again, and maybe I’ll end up visiting this place a second time at some point in the future. It’s worth it, it’s totally worth it!”

He pointed at “The Apotheosis of Washington“, an elaborate painting of a deified version of George Washington surrounded by 13 maidens, and at “Frieze of American History“, a similarly spectacular painting depicting the chronological history of the United States from the landing of Christopher Columbus to the first flight of the Wright Brothers.

“Someone spent a lot of time painting these,” he observed. “This wasn’t your regular paint-job contractor. Even I can tell that.”

Mr. Rubio’s visit may very well play a role in his upcoming decision. He plans to announce his future office plans within at most a few months.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

• Marco Rubio Outlines His Priority Agenda Items
• Marco Rubio Voted for Law Forcing Rape Victims to Publish Their Sexual History

 

 

Donald Trump to Build Wall Inside United States Capitol

It is no secret that presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump has not been particularly popular neither amongst the members of his own party, nor amongst their Democratic counterparts in Congress. Yet, he appeared to not be concerned at all of that fact in our Wednesday interview.

“That’s ok folks,” he downplayed the opposition he was facing. “That’s ok. Because, you know what? When we win this election – and we will win it, mark my words, we will win it – we will build a wall. We will build a wall in the middle of Congress. And it will be a tremendous wall.”

We asked Mr. Trump to explain the purpose of his new wall.

“It’s very simple,” explained the presumptive Republican nominee. “Those who disagree will be on one side. And those who agree – and there will be many, folks, believe me, there will be hundreds, maybe thousands Congressmen who will agree with me, we are the majority, we care about this country – those who agree will stand on the other side with me. And we will work together. We will be the best team America ever had. We will work together to make this country great again.”

Asked about the rationale behind his unprecedented idea, Mr. Trump offered an explanation.

“Look,” he said. “When Democrats, or establishment Republicans – which, by the way, is the same thing, really, it’s the same thing, especially when they are Latinos – when these people send anyone to Congress, they are not sending their best. They are sending people that have lots of problems. They are bringing drugs. They are bringing crime. They are rapists. And some, I assume, may be good people.”

We reminded Mr. Trump that Congress has been lawfully elected to represent the people of America, and that it is more in need of unity than of more divisive measures which would only render it even more ineffective and impotent.

“The wall just got 6 feet higher,” warned Trump.

We had to end the interview early out of concern that if his wall were to grow even a bit more, it could cause structural damage to the United State Capitol, which, among other things, is a historical monument.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: Democrats Distracting Americans from the Most Relevant Issues

McConnell Discovers Missing Text in Constitution

Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell today announced that he has discovered provisions that had been hand-written in the original version of the U.S. Constitution drafted by the Founding Fathers. To his shock and amazement, these provisions have been (intentionally or unintentionally) omitted in later published versions of the Constitution, depriving the American people from applying the Constitution as it was originally intended.

The newly discovered provisions were listed in Article II, Section, 2, Clause 2, which is commonly known as the “Appointments Clause”.

The current published version of the Appointments Clause of the U.S. Constitution reads as follows:

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

Looking through “old, historic texts dating back to our founding fathers”, McConnell discovered small but critical differences in the text. Those differences, McConnell claims, are important to point out, since they were clearly the intent of the Founding Fathers.

The newly identified text reads as follows. (The small differences with current versions are highlighted to allow for easier interpretation.)

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, to make Treaties, provided the NRA and two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the NRA and Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

 

McConnell has stated that he intends to do everything possible to ensure that this originally intended version of the U.S Constitution is the one used as the Law of the Land.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Congress to be Replaced by Robots by 2025

In an exciting new development, the President of the United States, Barack Obama, today announced an innovative new plan to replace Congress with mechanical robots by 2025.

“Let me be clear about this,” the President stated. “We are not getting rid of Congress. Congressmen and Congresswomen will continue to exist on the books, and they will continue to collect their paychecks,” he clarified to the relief of all Government employees listening.

“In recognition, however, that for the past many decades Congress has voted exclusively along party lines, it is obvious that there is no actual benefit of having humans do the voting,” pointed out the President. “Why burden existing Congressfolks with a tiresome duty that a simple mechanical device can perform?”

“Voting will be done quickly and efficiently by robots,” continued Obama. “These robots will physically occupy the seats of the chamber day and night, weekdays and weekends. They will not have to take breaks or go home.”

The President acknowledged, however, that despite the increased efficiency, he did not expect for Congress to accomplish much more than they get accomplished today.

“We are not naïve,” he said. “We will continue to be in the same gridlock as we have been up to until now, with no chances of getting past it. This gridlock will continue to completely ignore the needs of the American people, which appears to have been the main accomplishment of the current Congress.”

“But,” he said, “at least one important result will be achieved. This gridlock will finally cease to waste the time of the participants in it, who have been most unhappy about the time they have had to put in during their working hours.”

“While the critical issues this country is facing will continue to remain unresolved,” admitted the President, “it will only be the American People who will suffer. Congress, who doesn’t care and has never cared about the American people anyway, will be relieved of their unnecessary burden, so they can enjoy the time they are getting paid for by playing golf or watching NASCAR racing.”

The plans had already been drafted by a bipartisan committee, and experts have determined that devices with approximately half a megabyte of memory should suffice to perform all duties currently performed by human Congressfolks.

In a rare show of unanimous agreement, both Democrats and Republicans have pledged full support for the President’s proposal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

Senate Republicans to Draft Another Letter to Iran

House Speaker John Andrew Boehner announced today that Senate Republicans have drafted yet another letter to Iran, this time addressed to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Hosseini Khamenei. The letter will extend an invitation to the Iranian spiritual leader to speak to U.S. Congress about his ideas of Death to America.

The unusual measure will be taken after a speech delivered by Israel’s Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu failed to derail a deal with Iran which most Republicans consider to be a personal failure in their quest to prevent current president Barrack Obama from achieving anything constructive in U.S. foreign policy.

“We are hoping that Mr. Khamenei succeeds where Netanyahu failed,” said Boehner. “U.S. Congress has to hear the Ayatollah’s heartfelt plea for destruction of America, which this terrible deal will most certainly ruin completely if it were to be implemented.”

Spokesman of President Obama hailed the decision, saying that it indicates that the deal is already working.

“Our Republicans are talking to their Republicans,” he said. “This is more than decades of rhetorics have succeeded to achieve.”

Addressing the Iranian media, the Ayatollah welcomed Boehner’s willingness to sacrifice anything and everything for the mere goal of opposing Obama, saying that he and Boehner share a common vision that politics matters more than human lives. Still, he was hesitant to jump to conclusions before he saw the exact text of the drafted letter.

“I will, of course, consider the invitation carefully,” the Ayatollah said, waving his characteristic half-used roll of toilet paper which he always carries for emergency use in case the restroom he ends up at has run out, “but I will withhold judgement until I know all the details.”

He added that Boehner may be too radical to be trusted.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Ted Cruz: Obamacare Responsible for Droughts, Tornadoes, Earthquakes

Speaking from Florida, where he has been traveling on business, Junior United States Senator and Presidential Candidate from Texas Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz today announced that the signature health law of the Obama Administration popularly known as “Obamacare” has been found responsible for recent severe droughts, tornadoes and earthquakes both in the U.S. and abroad.

“We were surprised too, though not too surprised, if you know what I mean,” said Mr. Cruz. “We knew from the start this law was bad news. But we didn’t even imagine how bad exactly.”

What evidence was considered in arriving at that conclusion?

“We looked at correlation data,” explained Cruz. “We see a steady increase of natural calamities as millions and millions of people have been signing up for this abomination of a law.”

“Droughts in California, floods in Texas, earthquakes in Nepal,” he named a few examples.

What action would the Presidential candidate suggest?

“Repeal the law, of course,” said the Senate Republican. “We can no longer afford to take chances. We have to save the planet, or we might otherwise face global extinction.”

How does the new conclusion fit with the recent Republican-dominated congressional vote that climate change is not man-made?

“Where did that question come from?” asked Cruz, glancing in the direction of his team of advisors. “We are not discussing whether that thing is man-made right now,” he said, carefully avoiding the words he is not allowed to say while in Florida. “We are talking about Obamacare, which is responsible for multiple natural disasters that have been happening in the U.S. and abroad.”

Exactly.

Mr. Cruz just waved at his team.

“Can we get a different journalist, please? This one is broken.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers Gets a Response Condemning Obamacare

Following her plea to come up with “horror stories” about Obamacare, Congresswoman Cathy Anne McMorris Rodgers got one response on her Facebook Page telling her the ASA is the root of all evil.

“Well, the actual text of the response was not exactly that,” she said, “but that’s what it meant.”

The response she was referring to read:

Being a Speaker of the House, I already have Government Health Insurance, thank you very much.

“You see,” she concluded. “Americans care. They want to repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

There were apparently other responses to her post, but she said that she is not the kind of person who would dwell on the negative. The single response above was all she needed to prove her point.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.