Marco Antonio Rubio, the Junior United States Senator from Florida who is also a presidential hopeful, gave his supporters a rare glimpse of his top agenda items should he be elected president.
“First and foremost,” he said, “I plan to make sure that Americans have plenty of drinking water. Staying hydrated is very important for overall health and longevity.”
“The human body contains anywhere between 55% and 78% water, depending on body size,” he continued, reading from several pages of printed notes. “Water helps transport oxygen, fat, and glucose to the muscles, regulates the body temperature, and helps with food digestion.”
“I will be appointing a special committee, which will review all water sources in the U.S., and come up with a comprehensive strategy to ensure water availability everywhere, at all times. High schools, hospitals, public restrooms, will all be equipped with state-of-the art water fountains, making it easy and convenient to drink water anywhere, anytime, with no delays, should anyone get thirsty, or even before that.”
We asked him what he plans to do to boost the U.S. Economy.
“I plan to provide Government funding to more than 300 organizations to help create jobs that will further boost the economy,” continued reading Rubio. “Specifically, I will be aiming at creating jobs in the American Institute of Hydrology, the American Ground Water Trust, The American Water Works Association and the Freshwater Society.”
We asked him what he plans to do about Global Warming.
“We will continue to encourage global warming,” read Rubio from his notes, “because Global Warming melts the ice caps and ultimately produces more water. I will make sure we continue to increase our carbon footprint. Additionally, I plan to work closely with China, who, I have been told, has been most successful in this endeavor.”
What about other Scientific Research?
“We will be investing in research that looks for water on other planets,” continued to read Rubio after finding the right item in his notes. “We have already seen evidence of it on Mars, and on some of Jupiter’s satellites. We also have evidence that some newly discovered planets millions of light years away may potentially contain water. This is very exciting, and I plan to do everything to continue funding this research.”
How does Mr. Rubio’s agenda meet the objectives of his party?
“I represent the Tea Party,” clarified Rubio in a surprising off-script response. “And tea, as you know, is hot water poured over tea leaves. My agenda makes sure that at least half of the tea party promise is met.”
He glanced towards his advisors, who were drawing their hands across their necks vigorously at him from behind our cameras.
“OK, right, I’ll stick to the script,” he nodded at them.
We asked him what his plans are for the continent of Africa.
“At this point, we have no plans,” he said, apparently not finding anything on this topic in his notes. “Africa is a dry place, and it’s of no interest to us,” he improvised further before another glance at his waving advisors prompted him to stop.
What about other issues that may be important to the American People?
“I don’t have anything specific to share at this point,” said Rubio. “My advisors and speech writers do not seem to have included anything else in the notes. If there are other issues, they are likely not important.”
“Thank you very much for your time!”
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