Ted Cruz: Planned Parenthood Shooting is a Leftist Plot Against My Nomination

GOP Presidential Candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz strongly condemned the mass shooting at a Planned Parenthood location in Colorado Springs on Friday, 10/27, as a “leftist plot against [his presidential] nomination”.

“The goal was to steal my thunder and impact my run for President,” said Cruz, who, for some reason still believes that he is eligible for the nomination despite the fact that he is born in Canada.

We were unclear why Mr. Cruz labeled the shooter “leftist”, since he held  conservative views, believed in the Bible, and expressed un-hidden hatred to current Democratic President Barrack Obama.

“This was just a front,” said Cruz. “A guise, behind which this Marxist operated to try to hide his true identity.”

Cruz based his proof on the unconfirmed rumor that the shooter had apparently registered to vote as female, a mistake he could have easily made by checking the wrong box.

“[The shooter] was hiding his true identity as a woman,” said Cruz, cringing at the word as he usually does when he talks about women. “In the same exact way, he was hiding his left-wing beliefs, pretending to fight for a right-wing cause.”

We were unclear as to why the shooter would have committed his violent act if he really professed left-wing beliefs, which are based on equality, tolerance and choice.

“I already told you,” said Cruz, annoyed that he had to repeat himself. “He was trying to affect my rise to the Presidency. I will be the one to destroy Planned Parenthood, not him.”

Our journalistic crew held a long discussion after the interview, but could not figure out the logic of Mr. Cruz.

Source: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2015/11/29/3726311/ted-cruz-planned-parenthood-shooting-transgendered/

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.


Ben Carson Clarifies His “Rabid Dog” Comparison

Presidential candidate Benjamin Solomon “Ben” Carson Sr, who has seen steady backlash for comparing Syrian refugees to “rabid dogs” from whom parents should protect their children, stated earlier today that his statement was misquoted.

“What I said was rabbit dogs,” said Carson, correcting the misunderstanding. “I guess it’s easy to hear this differently when I say something like this in front of many people.”

When asked what a “rabbit dog” is, Carson said.

“A rabbit dog is a species of dog. Most people probably don’t know about this kind of dog, but I’m a brain surgeon, I know a lot of things.”

Irrespective of the exact simile, we asked Mr. Carson whether or not the main premise in his analogy still held true. Was he comparing Syrian refugees to sick and dangerous animals who could bite and infect Americans if not properly disposed of?

“Yes and no,” said Carson enigmatically. “You see, there is a lot to know about dogs. Some of them are dangerous. Others are less dangerous. I know a lot about dogs. I guess the other candidates don’t know as much.”

So, what is Mr. Carson’s plan about the Syrian refugees?

“Well, I have a plan,” said Carson. “I think we should spend some time thinking about that, and maybe doing some Google searches. We can find a lot about dogs and other kinds of things on Google.”

We asked about Mr. Carson’t more general view on the Syria crisis and what his plan is for dealing with it.

“Imagine this big hole full of fire and sulfur,” explained Carson, opening his hands in his unique characteristic way, “and parents protecting their children from falling inside…”

Before he could finish his new analogy, he was pulled aside by a campaign aide and then escorted away.

The same aide came back to the podium a few minutes later to explain that Mr. Carson had urgent issues to deal with, and will no longer be available to reporters for the rest of his day.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/19/politics/ben-carson-rabid-dogs-refugees/index.html

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.


Native Americans to Support Donald Trump

Buoyed by promises to rid America of immigrants, Native Americans have been considering throwing their support behind Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump.

“Our country is full of the pasty white people, who came to this continent, took over our lands, killed our men, raped our women, and have all but exterminated us, the native inhabitants of these lands,” announced emotional Cherokee Awenasa Hiawassee (My Home Meadow). “Mr. Trump, may the Great Spirit Unetlanvhi give him briefly successful but otherwise short life, can help us reclaim these lands back before he himself heads back to either Scotland or Germany, whichever one of his countries of ancestry he chooses.”

“He understands the importance of preserving the past,” said Apache warrior Elan Kuruk (Friendly Bear). “He will get rid of the followers of Mohammed first, condemning many of them to death by denying them asylum from the murderous terrorists of ISIS, and deporting the rest of them from our lands, where they have now lived for many generations. Then, he will rid of the revelers of Tetragrammaton or Jehova, so he can appease his Bible-waving voter base, and lull them into believing these lands will be inhabited by them and their offspring only. Finally, may the Great Creator help him with this, he will also ship all of these worshipers of leather-bound books and violence-ridden fairy tales back to Europe, where they came from with their ships and weapons, leaving these lands to their rightful inhabitants, the Children of Ussen.”

Mr. Trump was pleasantly delighted by this show of support.

“See, see?” he said to the video cameras, opening his hands in a gesture of generosity. “They love me! Everybody loves me! I’m the greatest!”

In return for their votes, Trump vowed to fulfill every single promise he has given to the Native Americans, and, in addition, build for them a new chain of casinos, where alcohol is free.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

Trump’s Message Resonates Well With Ordinary Middle-Class American Billionaires

THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP Photo, John Minchillo
THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP Photo, John Minchillo

Opinion poll conducted after the fourth Republican debate on Fox has confirmed that the message of presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald John Trump has found agreeable audience in ordinary middle-class American billionaires.

“He is our guy,” said investment billionaire Carl Icahn, whose total net worth is only 20.5 billion. “He understand the day-to-day struggles middle-income American billionaires have to go through.”

“There are some of us,” explained pharmaceuticals billionaire Phillip Frost who is worth a mere 4.3 billion, “who have to make a living on single-digit billion income. If you think that’s a feasible alternative, try it, and see how many summer mansions you can support that way.”

Many appreciated specific aspects of Trump’s personality and beliefs.

“He isn’t the type who’d cry over spilled oil,” chimed in oil and gas billionaire Harold Hamm, who also falls in the single-digit billion category with a net worth of 7.4 billion.

“He appreciates the importance of owning the media and brainwashing Americans into voting the way we tell them,” shared Fox News owner billionaire Rupert Murdoch, who seems to have barely made it out of billionaire poverty with a hard-earned net worth of 11.6 billion.

“He is our guy,” stated David Koch of the Koch brothers, who, despite the fact that he belongs to the upper-middle-class of billionaires with his 41 billion net worth, graciously offered support of a candidate whose focus is the actual middle-class of billionaires. “He will make sure he Makes America Great Again for the top 50 of us. And maybe for the next 100.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Hell Yeah I’d Kill Baby Hitler Says Jeb Bush

Jeb_Bush_with_Open_Arms (1)

Today, lagging Presidential hopeful John Ellis “Jeb” Bush from Florida showed sudden and unexpected resolve and determination by telling supporters that if he could, he would kill Hitler in his infancy.

“Hell yeah, I’d kill baby Hitler,” he stated in front of a cheering crowd.

This is the first time the presidential candidate has actually expressed any willingness to take action of any kind, which in turn has caused his campaign to fall behind more action-oriented candidates such as Donald Trump, who has repeatedly shown willingness to kill Mexicans, Muslims, immigrants, and other unspecified groups.

Bush’ popularity immediately increased from 8% to 8.0001%.

Once on a roll, Mr. Bush capitalized on his gains. Asked if he would have Hitler’s mom have an abortion, he said.

“Absolutely not. Life is sacred.”

He confirmed, that he would let Hitler’s mom carry her some-day-to-become-monster son to full term, wait for her to give birth, after which he would shoot the newly born baby with a concealed handgun which the Second Amendment guarantees he can take with him to the hospital where Hitler is to be born.

He immediately enjoyed another bump to 8.5002% popularity among his Republican supporters, 0.0001% due to his anti-abortion views, and 0.5% due to his support of anybody’s right to carry a concealed weapon to shoot a baby in a hospital.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The quote from Jeb Bush is, however, 100% real! For more information, read the following CNN article.