Pro-Life Group Announces Building of a Military Division

Armed_Rednecks

Taking their “Life is Sacred” fight to a new level, pro-life group Center for Medical Progress announced today that they have begun building out a military division designed to attack and assassinate individuals that oppose their philosophy that life must be preserved at all cost.

“We have no choice,” said group leader and spokesman David Daleiden. “Our fight to save lives is not making enough progress via peaceful means. This leaves us with only one possible option – to create a military division that would fight and kill for the sacred cause of preserving life.”

The group has invested heavily in semi-automatic weapons and explosives. They are also setting up training camps, where their Warriors for Life Preservation will train to acquire the lethal skills they will need to do their day jobs.

“Reproductive Health clinics will be obvious targets,” explained Daleiden. “There are no individuals in a Reproductive Health clinic that respect life. Doctors and patients alike are all there for one and one reason only – to destroy life. We will make sure that doesn’t happen,” he said. “We will kill each and every individual associated with Reproductive Health clinics to ensure that the sacredness of life is protected and preserved.”

The new military division of Center for Medical Progress will be based in Texas, where, in addition to a great choice of conventional weaponry, it will also have the ability to easily acquire weapons grade Uranium, which could prove useful for advancing their cause.

At least one large organization, the NRA, has expressed their full backing of Mr. Daleiden’s cause. They have pledged unconditional support via large discounts and complete lack of background checks.

“Life,” reiterated Daleiden in conclusion, “is sacred, and it is not man’s business to muck with it. Anyone who thinks otherwise, should, in my humble opinion, be killed immediately, without further discussion.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

High School Couple Conceives Accidentally at Party Via IVF

scientist-holding-test-tube

For Jason and Annie from Tribune, Kansas, it was just a late night Christian party at the house of a friend whose parents were out of town. Everyone was having a good time, drinking lemonade and discussing the Holy Book.

It was a month or so later when Annie discovered she was pregnant.

“I seem to remember meeting this IVF specialist at the party,” she recalled. “At least we think he must have been an IVF specialist,” she added.

“It might have been the amount of lemonade we all had, but when the IVF specialist asked Jason to provide a sperm sample, Jason just went ahead and gave him one,” she said.  “Well, at least we think he must have given him one, even though we are not sure when or how” she added.

It didn’t end there though. There was more to come.

“I remember being in the kitchen later,” said Annie. “We were quoting passages from the Old Testament. It must have been then when the IVF specialist must have extracted one of my eggs while I wasn’t paying attention,” she said.

One thing led to another. Some probably heretic scientific procedures must have taken place in the back room, but when it was all over, the IVF specialist had successfully implanted a fertilized egg into Annie’s uterus.

She went home late that day and felt exhausted in church the next morning. A month later, she realized she was pregnant.

It was initially unclear how this had happened. Jason and Annie were not married at the time, so, it was completely impossible for them to have had sex at that party or at any other time.

To figure out what actually happened so they can explain it to their parents, the two of them spent a lot of time praying. Finally, via mutual recollection and deduction, they succeeded to piece up the story that they are now telling everyone, so that no one assumes erroneously that they had sinned.

How did the two of them know that the person they met was an IVF specialist?

“To be honest, we don’t actually know that,” admitted Jason. “But that is the only explanation. Only this way, unmarried virgins like Annie and myself could have suddenly become expecting parents. One doesn’t need a proof when this is the only possible option.”

To deal with the unexpected situation, the couple had to get married in a church. They did so, even though Jason’s family believes in the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, while Annie’s believes in the New Revised Standard Version, so, an exception had to be made.

Technically, the couple is now allowed to have sex if it is absolutely necessary, but since they are already expecting a baby, there has been no need for them to have sex at all.

As is customary in cases like this, someone always asks the question why God permitted this to happen?

“We think that God meant this to be a lesson to us and everyone,” said Jason. “We think, God’s message is: we should be very careful whom we talk to at parties.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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See also: Kansas: The First State to Teach Correct Theory of Babies

ISIS Calls George W. Bush “Founding Father”

ISIS-Spokesman-re-Boko-Haram

In a rare* attempt to reach out to the world, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani today held a speech that gave an insight into the historical and political context that gave birth to his homeland, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“Every nation has its defining moments; moments that remain in history to remind future generations how the nation was born,” said al-Adnani on video filmed in an undisclosed secure location with no defining characteristics of the filming background.

“The American infidels, may God never allow any gun control laws to prevent them from killing themselves, consider it a defining moment for their country when they threw away all their tea. This event marked the inception of their nation of Satan, which Allah has been trying to destroy by sending mentally unstable gun owners with histories of depression and violence to kill innocent children and adults alike without the government taking any action toward better background checks.”

“But since we are talking about defining moments,” he said, “let me take a moment to reflect on how our own great nation, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, was made possible.” His eyes grew moist, maybe from emotion, or maybe from a recent leak from one of the vials of neuro-paralytic gas he had been storing in his room for future use on enemies, peaceful civilians, or hostages.

“For us,” he said, “this moment was when former American President George W. Bush, may God give him more siblings with the same or lesser intelligence if that’s theoretically possible, attacked our homelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, destabilized the Middle East, created an easy to fill power vacuum, and killed thousands of civilians, to breed the anger and hatred that brought our new nation together.”

“We may not be saying this out loud,” he admitted, “but in our hearts we know it’s true. Mr. Bush is, in at least one sense of this word, our founding father.”

Following recorded applause after his speech, Mr. al-Adnani answered a few questions from his non-existent live audience.

“We are, of course, excited at the prospect of his brother Jeb becoming President,” he said in response to the question if he’d endorse Presidential candidate Jeb Bush for the job of the most powerful man in the world.

“This would make it certain that America will send us some more young, unfortunate soldiers who will march right into our firing ranges,” he clarified.

A non-existent person from the audience apparently asked him an unexpected question about another very popular candidate in the Republican presidential race. Mr. al-Adnani just shivered.

Trump,” he said in response, “gives me the creeps. That lunatic will bomb the world out of existence before we are able to acquire the weapons to do so.”

“On the other hand,” he admitted cautiously, “We may be lucky and he might destroy his own country first. Who knows. As far as American Politics goes, I am undecided.”

See also: ISIS Declares Halloween as Their First National Holiday

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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*For ISIS, the adjective “rare” indicates that the frequency with which they try to communicate their extremist ideology is less than the frequency with which they wish they did.

Senate Republicans to Draft Another Letter to Iran

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House Speaker John Andrew Boehner announced today that Senate Republicans have drafted yet another letter to Iran, this time addressed to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Hosseini Khamenei. The letter will extend an invitation to the Iranian spiritual leader to speak to U.S. Congress about his ideas of Death to America.

The unusual measure will be taken after a speech delivered by Israel’s Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu failed to derail a deal with Iran which most Republicans consider to be a personal failure in their quest to prevent current president Barrack Obama from achieving anything constructive in U.S. foreign policy.

“We are hoping that Mr. Khamenei succeeds where Netanyahu failed,” said Boehner. “U.S. Congress has to hear the Ayatollah’s heartfelt plea for destruction of America, which this terrible deal will most certainly ruin completely if it were to be implemented.”

Spokesman of President Obama hailed the decision, saying that it indicates that the deal is already working.

“Our Republicans are talking to their Republicans,” he said. “This is more than decades of rhetorics have succeeded to achieve.”

Addressing the Iranian media, the Ayatollah welcomed Boehner’s willingness to sacrifice anything and everything for the mere goal of opposing Obama, saying that he and Boehner share a common vision that politics matters more than human lives. Still, he was hesitant to jump to conclusions before he saw the exact text of the drafted letter.

“I will, of course, consider the invitation carefully,” the Ayatollah said, waving his characteristic half-used roll of toilet paper which he always carries for emergency use in case the restroom he ends up at has run out, “but I will withhold judgement until I know all the details.”

He added that Boehner may be too radical to be trusted.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Sandoz Posed to Win Tour de France

Tour_de_France_Countryside

Tour de France 2015 has seen some twists and turns, but hardly ever as big a surprise as the unexpected advancement of rookie contestant Sandoz International, who appears to be posed to win the prestigious race.

Sandoz International is a privately held pharmaceutical company, which entered the competition with its little known performance enhancing drug Dopenrefil, which has proven to be not only effective, but also utterly undetectable by the current testing methods employed by the Amaury Sport Organization, the official organizer of the contest.

Sandoz was followed closely by second runner up Pfizer, traditionally a leader in producing undetectable performance enhancing drugs. Pfizer trails behind Sandoz in at least one important criterion: ease of administration. Dozes of the drug are hard to administer precisely. A smaller than needed doze of its featured exogenous anabolic androgenic steroid Hardenoll fails to provide adequate doping for contestants to have a chance to win the race. Higher than needed dozes cause lasting erections that may require modified bicycle seats.

A remote third in the competition comes a one-time-only-winner Amgen. Amgen’s ergogenic aid product Uranusgloyn has been found to seep out of the contestants pores and rectums and become highly visible with its characteristic green-yellow radioactive glow.

A big fan of the contest, recently escaped Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman “El Chapo” has come out with the announcement that he might enter the race next year, expressing his frustration that research in drug detection has been gaining on research for new and undetectable performance enhancing drugs.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to, well, make people laugh.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker Joins the Race With Unique Message

Credited to Gage Skidmore
Photo Credited to Gage Skidmore

Wisconsin’s Governor Scott Kevin Walker is joining the Republican ticket in the 2016 Presidential Election. Unlike his opponents, Democrat or Republican alike, however, he has a clear and unique message to his electorate:

“Americans deserve a leader who will fight and win for them,” said Walker.

Walker’s message is indeed refreshingly unique and disingenuously creative, since no other candidate in history has ever come up with anything like it before.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, for example, are focused on building out the middle class and improving education and health care for everyone. Jeb Bush represents the oil industry and the Koch brothers. Donald Trump promises to build walls and bomb oil fields so that Mexicans and ISIS alike are annihilated from the face of the Earth. Ted Cruz will most likely fight for either Cuba, where he is from, or Canada, where he was born.

“No other candidate focuses on what’s important,” stressed Walker to make sure he distinguishes himself from the rest of the candidates. “And what’s important is Americans,” he said simply, adding a dramatic pause so that the full weight of his words can sink in. “I bet you have never heard this message before, and must be really excited to finally have a candidate that tells it to you as simply and clearly as I do.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Other references, if you care to read more: Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump

Trump Promises to Not Speak Publicly Ever Again if Elected

DES MOINES, IA - MAY 16:  Businessman Donald Trump speaks to guests gathered for the Republican Party of Iowa's Lincoln Dinner at the Iowa Events Center on May 16, 2015 in Des Moines, Iowa. The event sponsored by the Republican Party of Iowa gave several Republican presidential hopefuls an opportunity to strengthen their support among Iowa Republicans ahead of the 2016 Iowa caucus.  (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)
Photo credited to Scott Olson/Getty Images

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump Sr. today vowed to never give another public speech if he is elected President.

“Imagine a world,” he said, “where the President simply shuts up.”

Mr. Trump, who has experienced the fallout from saying too much when speaking his mind in public, has decided that this would be one of the differentiators between him and all the rest of his rivals.

“Anyone else out there, whether Republican or Democrat, will torture you with long, confusing speeches,” he said. “Not me. I will be silent as a rock from day one till day 2922.”

This, Trump states, will solve many and possibly all problems Presidents have been having.

“Just take my Presidential run announcement as an example,” said Trump. “NBC, Univision, Macy’s all cut ties with me. Mexicans are upset because I will be forcing them to pay for the wall I plan to build. Miss USAs are pulling out of the most prestigious beauty pageant on Earth without even knowing why.”

“All this could have been avoided if I weren’t required to speak,” he said. “When people speak, they say things that get other people upset.”

“I give you my word,” he promised solemnly, “that when I am President, I will not be saying anything. I will be the best President that God ever created.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.