Ted Cruz: Obama Responsible for Scalia’s Death

There is a reason why an autopsy would not be performed on the late Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court Antonin Gregory Scalia, who died unexpectedly in Texas on February 12, 2016. At least one of the Republican Presidential hopefuls, the Cuban-Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, claims to know the answers regarding his death, which many have been trying to find.

“If an autopsy were performed, it would reveal the truth, which has been suppressed to mislead the American people,” Mr. Cruz stated on Fox News on President’s Day.

Prompted to share what he knows, Cruz looked directly into the camera and said. “Scalia died because of Obama. His death at this convenient for Obama time was no accident.”

Fox News was intrigued by the audacious accusation. “Mr. Cruz, what you are suggesting is most interesting,” echoed conservative TV host Sean Patrick Hannity. “Can you share your insights with our eager to know the truth viewers?”

“Let’s start with the obvious,” said Cruz. “No one that weahtly and powerful dies at the young age of 79.”

“That’s true,” Hannity nodded.

“Secondly,” said the Cuban-Canadian, “Scalia was a true patriot and a pillar of conservative values. He was someone we trusted to vote as we told him to vote. If he had died on his own terms, or on ours, he would have timed his death differently. He would have waited until I become President.”

“True again,” said Hannity.

“And thirdly,” Cruz concluded, “The person responsible for such a death is typically the person who benefits most from the death. In the case of Justice Scalia, the person who benefits most is, without question, our so-called ‘president’. Whom I plan to replace soon by the way,” he added.

“The implications of what you are saying could be very serious,” cautioned Hannity. “Do you have any proof?”

“I can provide proof if needed,” said Cruz. “The guy who has been providing proof for the non-existence of Global Warming is already working on a story that half of Congress would buy without questioning.”

“Anything else you would like to share with our viewers, Mr. Cruz?” asked Hannity.

“Obama killed Scalia!” concluded Cruz, addressing the American people. “He should be impeached. When I become President, I plan to repeal his heinous act in my first day of office.”

“I will bring Scalia back,” he vowed. “That’s a promise!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Random Non-Experts Weigh in Heavily on Non-Existence of Climate Change

Random non-experts, who have been completely unfamiliar with the issue, and have spent no time at all trying to understand the complexity of it, weighed in heavily towards the assertion that climate change does not exist, and, in addition, it is not man made.

“There ain’t no such thing,” said Alicia Butts from Eagle Mountain, Utah, who works as a part-time waitress at Arby’s. Asked if she would change her opinion if we left her a 20% tip, she acquiesced, “Sure, honey, whatever suits you.”

Todd Akin, a graduate of the Covenant Theological Seminary in Creve Coeur, MO, also shared his views. “The sun itself has variable output, which affects temperature cycles [1],” he said. “Although this is not true at night,” he clarified.

Miss South Carolina 2007, a former beauty queen who had been known to entertain complex opinions, spoke eloquently, and with grace: “I personally believe,” she said, “that things such as, are unable to do so. The U.S. should do more to help the U.S.” she recommended.

The issue did not slip away from national political discussions either. Presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, who for some reason still believes he is eligible to run for President despite the fact that he is born in Canada, also expressed his strong opinion. “The Holy Book has no mention of climate change,” he said. “I will repeal climate change the first day I am in office,” he promised, even though he can never be elected according to the Constitution.

Clyde Hogan, a resident of the Roll-a-Home trailer park in Cripple Creek, CO, was the most expressive of all of them. He stated his beliefs on the matter by posing a rhetorical question. “What the f*ck you talkin about,” he asked, deftly rejecting the idea via implicit dismissal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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  1. This first part is actually a real quote by Todd Akin, a former U.S. Representative from the state of Missouri, who knows just as much about climate change as Miss South Carolina knows about analytical geometry: https://www.skepticalscience.com/skepticquotes.php?s=56

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Related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote