Trump’s Legal Team and Their Duties

Recent news had suggested that president Donald J. Trump is having a difficult time finding talented American lawyers to represent him in various matters related to his life before and after he was elected president.

Today, Mr. Trump let us know via a tweet that this is a “vicious lie” and “fabrication” made up by the “fake news media”, a term he frequently uses to refer to anyone who is not Fox News.

Specifically, Mr. Trump pointed to two top American lawyers who will be representing him as follows.

American lawyer Genadiy “Jay” Sekulow will be representing president Trump with any matter related to Russia. This includes matters related to Mueller’s Russia Probe, as well as other unspecified “private” matters that are, according to Mr. Trump, “of personal nature”. Mr. Sekulow will be working closely with several other not very well-known but otherwise very talented American lawyers such as Dmitriy “Dale” Poddelkin, Igor “Irwin” Ljetzov and Natasha “Nancy” Pokrivalova.

Recent addition to Donald Trump’s legal team is American politician and lawyer Roberto “Rudy” Giuliani. On the books, Giuliani will be handling a variety of legal issues for Mr. Trump. In reality, however, he had been hired to deal with some unspecified “business” related to “taxes” and “friends” that Mr. Trump has been having dealing with in a small Mediterranean country. Mr. Giuliani’s counsel includes American lawyers Marco “Mitch” Crimini, Angelo “Andy” Nasconde, and Luka “Larry” Teppista.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Comedian Jon Stewart Spares American Lives by Retiring

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“Laughing Death Syndrome” (LDS) is one of the least documented causes of sudden and unexpected human mortality. It occurs when a subject gets into an uncontrollable laughing fit preventing them from taking in sufficient amount of oxygen and causing severe convulsions of the subject’s ribcage muscles, which lead their hearts into an arrhythmia followed by a cardiac arrest.

LDS may be treatable if the laughing fit is relatively mild, and if the subject has immediate access to medical care.

The popular Daily Show host and political satirist Jonathan Stewart Leibowitz, a.k.a, “Jon Stewart” became aware of the dangers of the LDS when the Director of the prestigious New York’s Cardiac Diagnostic Center, Dr. Steven Reisman, MD, approached him with documentation outlining the causes and dangers of this fatal condition in December 2014.

“I wanted Jon to be aware,” shared Mr. Reisman. “As a successful and popular comedian, he is responsible for a lot of people laughing their *sses off out there, and that, as we have seen, carries significant risk of LDS.”

Jon Stewart took this feedback seriously. He considered known upcoming political events and the possibility of his show causing people to laugh uncontrollably.

“Consider even just the upcoming election in 2016,” Mr. Stewart said. “Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Rick Perry, Rand Paul, whatever that Huckabee character is, all running at the same time. That alone can produce enough comedy to annihilate a small nation via LDS.”

Mr. Stewart thought, and thought hard. America may not be a small nation, but it would surely suffer great damage if a large percent of its population died of laughter.

“There was only one thing I could do to save lives,” said Jon Stewart. “I decided to retire so I could save as many as possible.”

Isn’t there danger of people dying of laughter anyway irrespective of his retiring?

“Of course there is,” admitted Stewart, “but I am hoping that the laughing fits that people would have when these presidential clowns blabber on TV would be more on the wincing side than consisting of actual deep, uncontrollable laughter coming from genuine appreciation of intelligent humor.”

We will of course miss Mr. Stewart’s unparalleled sense of humor, but we have to bow to his deep, self-sacrificial concern for the safety of the American Nation.

Best of luck to him with whatever comes next!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.