Paul Ryan Opens Up About Principles

On Thursday, June 21, Paul Davis Ryan Jr., the departing 54th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, unexpectedly opened up, letting the world know that he has secretly and silently harbored principles that he had never previously shared with anyone, including those closest to him.

“That is right,” he confirmed. “The time has come for me to come clean. I cannot hide this any longer.”

It was not immediately clear what principles he was referring to, but more specifics, Ryan alluded, could be shared at some unspecified future time, when he was “ready”.

The sudden admission left his fellow politicians confused and upset. Ryan, already 48 years old, had been elected as a Speaker of the Republican-controlled House precisely for his obvious and outspoken lack of principles.

“Had we known this previously,” stated stone-faced Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell (“Mitch”) McConnell Jr., “we would clearly not have elected the double-faced liar to lead the House.”

Ryan’s wife, Janna Ryan, wept as she held their three children Samuel, Charles and Elizabeth.

“How could he do this to us?” she kept saying. “How could he? He seemed so perfectly heartless, so perfectly hypocritical. He had been acting a part all along.”

There are no words to express the shock and sadness of so many, who had admired Ryan for his lack of moral compass and even basic compassion. Only time would tell how those deep wounds would be healed.

Source: Paul Ryan Has Sacrificed the Rest of His Principles (Bloomberg)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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“Obama Shat in My Pants”, Mitch McConnell

On Friday, 9/30/16, Senate Majority Leader and United States Senator from Kentucky Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell found an unexpected piece of excrement in the seat of his pants. The piece had presumably appeared there the day before during his participation in one of the increasingly infrequent sessions of the United States Senate.

“I have no idea how it got there,” Mr. McConnell was quoted stating. “I mean, I did what I usually do in these sessions. Usually, what I produce is placed in the seat of other people’s pants. But this time, this didn’t happen. It’s disgusting, really.”

While Mr. McConnell feels “strange” about what happened, he is clear and obvious to him who is to blame.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this was Obama’s doing,” said McConnell. “Not a shred of doubt,” he stated with his characteristic long-faced stare. “Obama is the one who shat in my pants.”

Source: Senators Blame Obama for Not Helping Them Understand Their Own Bill

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

McConnell Discovers Missing Text in Constitution

Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell today announced that he has discovered provisions that had been hand-written in the original version of the U.S. Constitution drafted by the Founding Fathers. To his shock and amazement, these provisions have been (intentionally or unintentionally) omitted in later published versions of the Constitution, depriving the American people from applying the Constitution as it was originally intended.

The newly discovered provisions were listed in Article II, Section, 2, Clause 2, which is commonly known as the “Appointments Clause”.

The current published version of the Appointments Clause of the U.S. Constitution reads as follows:

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

Looking through “old, historic texts dating back to our founding fathers”, McConnell discovered small but critical differences in the text. Those differences, McConnell claims, are important to point out, since they were clearly the intent of the Founding Fathers.

The newly identified text reads as follows. (The small differences with current versions are highlighted to allow for easier interpretation.)

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, to make Treaties, provided the NRA and two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the NRA and Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

 

McConnell has stated that he intends to do everything possible to ensure that this originally intended version of the U.S Constitution is the one used as the Law of the Land.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Senate Republicans Unhappy About Delays to Destroy Planet Earth

MITCH-MCCONNELL-Pic

Senate Republicans expressed outrage today to further delays along the road to destruction of Planet Earth.

“The new rules and regulations of fracking take us one step further from that eventual goal,” said Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell Jr.

Why is fracking so important?

“It’s the first step,” shared Mr. McConnell. “First, you poison the underground water. Then, you deplete the fresh water. The air quality will degrade as well.“

“The fractured rock will eventually yield and we will see increased seismic activity, as we have already demonstrated in the past” he continued to explain. “Violent earthquakes will hopefully be followed by tsunami, if planned right.”

“We have put a lot of thought into this. All angles have been carefully considered and we have been on a tight schedule towards the destruction of Planet Earth.”

Recently, however, there have been some setbacks.

“There are people in our Government,” McConnell said without naming names, “who don’t care at all about the destruction of the Earth. They have, in fact, pushed for regulations that deter our progress in this direction.”

“We will fight with everything we have to continue on the path of complete destruction that we have been working so hard to achieve.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.