Trump Responds to Climate Change Report

On Monday, the Government Accountability Office (GAO), a non-partisan organization which provides pertinent unbiased information to U.S. Congress, released an alarming report** sharing the most recent compiled data on the grave threat that climate change poses to the U.S. and the world.

Events such as more powerful hurricanes caused by rising ocean temperatures, or more devastating wildfires due to more pronounced droughts, have cost the U.S. alone more than $350 billion over the last decade.

GAO urged president Trump to take immediate action and “craft appropriate federal responses” to such potential catastrophic scenarios.

President Trump remained presidential upon hearing of the report. He put his index fingers into both of his ears, and sang loudly “la la la”.

Fox News## was quick to inform their readers that, once again, president Trump has provided “the most appropriate response” to the issue posed in front of him.

“True leadership,” stated Fox News, “unlike the president that came before him”, failing to name president Obama by name, and condemning Obama’s creation of the Environmental Protection Agency Clean Power Plan and his steadfast participation in the Paris Climate Accord, actions that president Trump has worked very hard to reverse, joining the only two other countries in the world who are not part of that accord, Nicaragua and Syria.

** Source: Government Report Calls on Trump to Act on Climate Change (CNN)
## Fox News Documentary (strongly recommended)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Ted Cruz: Obama Responsible for Scalia’s Death

There is a reason why an autopsy would not be performed on the late Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court Antonin Gregory Scalia, who died unexpectedly in Texas on February 12, 2016. At least one of the Republican Presidential hopefuls, the Cuban-Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, claims to know the answers regarding his death, which many have been trying to find.

“If an autopsy were performed, it would reveal the truth, which has been suppressed to mislead the American people,” Mr. Cruz stated on Fox News on President’s Day.

Prompted to share what he knows, Cruz looked directly into the camera and said. “Scalia died because of Obama. His death at this convenient for Obama time was no accident.”

Fox News was intrigued by the audacious accusation. “Mr. Cruz, what you are suggesting is most interesting,” echoed conservative TV host Sean Patrick Hannity. “Can you share your insights with our eager to know the truth viewers?”

“Let’s start with the obvious,” said Cruz. “No one that weahtly and powerful dies at the young age of 79.”

“That’s true,” Hannity nodded.

“Secondly,” said the Cuban-Canadian, “Scalia was a true patriot and a pillar of conservative values. He was someone we trusted to vote as we told him to vote. If he had died on his own terms, or on ours, he would have timed his death differently. He would have waited until I become President.”

“True again,” said Hannity.

“And thirdly,” Cruz concluded, “The person responsible for such a death is typically the person who benefits most from the death. In the case of Justice Scalia, the person who benefits most is, without question, our so-called ‘president’. Whom I plan to replace soon by the way,” he added.

“The implications of what you are saying could be very serious,” cautioned Hannity. “Do you have any proof?”

“I can provide proof if needed,” said Cruz. “The guy who has been providing proof for the non-existence of Global Warming is already working on a story that half of Congress would buy without questioning.”

“Anything else you would like to share with our viewers, Mr. Cruz?” asked Hannity.

“Obama killed Scalia!” concluded Cruz, addressing the American people. “He should be impeached. When I become President, I plan to repeal his heinous act in my first day of office.”

“I will bring Scalia back,” he vowed. “That’s a promise!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Republican Organization to Offer “Conversion Therapy”

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“Cookies and Tea Party” (CATP), a newly founded Republican organization, announced today that it would begin offering conversion services to help transform individuals with progressive views into Republicans.

“God created human beings to be Republicans,” stated CATP president Dick Kantorum. “It’s against nature to be anything else. We know that there are individuals who have strayed away from this path, and we are here to help them get back to what God designed them to be.”

CATP has a variety of methods for achieving their goals. These range from corporal punishment to death threats. Methods aside, what criteria are there to determine if the goal has been achieved?

“We have a variety of metrics that will help us judge if the conversion therapy was successful, explained Mr. Kantorum. “Some of them are critical and others are secondary.”

“For example, a minimum of 10 points drop in IQ constitutes a critical criterion,” shared Kantorum. “Without that, the chances of converting someone to a Republican drop significantly.”

“Another critical criterion is demonstrated discrimination against women, gays or poor people.”

“Lesser, but nevertheless important indicators are whether or not the individual has acquired hate towards Obamacare, or whether or not they ever mention environmental or climate-related issues that Congress has voted are non-existent.”

Has CATP been successful so far?

“We’ve had partial success with some of the borderline groups,” said Kantorum. “The relatively less-educated, for example, were already almost there. They just needed to be coached on fear, hatred and intolerance.”

“But,” he admitted, “they were a low hanging fruit. We still have a long way to go with the rest of the American nation.”

Are there any other organizations that offer similar services?

“Fox News has been extremely successful in offering similar services,” said Kantorum. “They are already light years ahead of us with their brainwashing techniques. Still, we believe that over time we will capture a portion of that market, since at today’s times of unnecessary progressive thinking, there is a great need for someone to keep dragging America back to the past.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Senate Republicans Unhappy About Delays to Destroy Planet Earth

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Senate Republicans expressed outrage today to further delays along the road to destruction of Planet Earth.

“The new rules and regulations of fracking take us one step further from that eventual goal,” said Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell Jr.

Why is fracking so important?

“It’s the first step,” shared Mr. McConnell. “First, you poison the underground water. Then, you deplete the fresh water. The air quality will degrade as well.“

“The fractured rock will eventually yield and we will see increased seismic activity, as we have already demonstrated in the past” he continued to explain. “Violent earthquakes will hopefully be followed by tsunami, if planned right.”

“We have put a lot of thought into this. All angles have been carefully considered and we have been on a tight schedule towards the destruction of Planet Earth.”

Recently, however, there have been some setbacks.

“There are people in our Government,” McConnell said without naming names, “who don’t care at all about the destruction of the Earth. They have, in fact, pushed for regulations that deter our progress in this direction.”

“We will fight with everything we have to continue on the path of complete destruction that we have been working so hard to achieve.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

State of the Onion Transcript

Onion

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice Speaker, My Fellow Americans.

We are fifteen years past the year 2000, the arbitrary year which is a result of a) deciding to start counting year zero at a random moment in time which some portion of the world believes to have some significance and b) using a decimal system that happens to result in zeroes when we count multiples of 10.

Yet, although we have advanced greatly in many aspects of life, science, medicine and technology, we continue to have a significant part of Americans stuck to beliefs that date to thousands of years back.

There is, for example, the belief that the long term impact of mankind on the environment which is heading to a possible annihilation of our entire species is less significant than the amount of money that goes into the pockets of a handful of overweight, overfed, overindulged individuals.

There is also the belief that the 1791 right of Americans to own a one-shot front-loading musket somehow carries over to a 2015 right to own automatic weapons capable of killing an entire school of children by a single deranged retard.

There also seems to be the belief that women do not deserve to have any right to make decisions about their own bodies, or that they deserve to be raped just because they dared to go to college, or that they should be paid less for performing the same job as a man.

There seems to be a belief that some people have the right to decide who others should love and marry, while they, themselves, would continue to have the chance to love and marry whoever they want (even though most of them are incapable of love, having never experienced it).

But these are all minor things, as they do not in any way impact those who make these decisions.

What matters, is that the Onion continues to add flavor to our salads, and it continues to make those who try to peel it the wrong way shed tears.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to inform you that our Onion remains strong!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

It is not in any way connected to the Onion to which this article pays tribute because the author has deep appreciation of the excellent work this finest news source is doing in educating Americans of the issues that really matter.

More Clues on Potential Missouri Cop Killer

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Disturbing new information has come to light as the investigation of the potential cop killer in Missouri progresses.

While the identity of the suspect is still unknown, he is believed to be armed and dangerous. A camera at Pagedale Mall where the suspect had been seen prior to his altercation with police has recorded a grainy image of him carrying what looks like a plastic squirt gun.

“These weapons are very dangerous, because they are easy to conceal,” commented Pagedale police chief Darryl K. Wellson. “They can remain undetected in airport screenings. This suspect can be anywhere right now and still have his weapon on him.”

“Worse still, this suspect could have gone to Texas, bought some weapons-grade uranium from any pharmacy, and filled his weapon with radioactive water, ready to squirt it at any member of the force who stands on his way.”

“Comes to think of it,” he added, “he could probably even fill his weapon with sea water from the Bay Area that has been washing up there from Fukushima.”

“Not that this sea water fact has ever been confirmed by anyone other than the EPA and the IAEA,” he hurried to add, “so, for all we know, these might just be rumors.”

“Well, we could trust the IAEA as far as Iranian nuclear ambitions are concerned,” he addressed our concerns, “but certainly not when they express opinions about the safety of our own Bay Area sea water. They are not trained to make educated statements about the environment. Their expertise is preventing evil dictators from acquiring nuclear weapons.”

“Well, having Texas sell weapons-grade uranium is not the same thing as having an evil Iranian dictator produce it in illegal centrifuges,” he clarified.

“These centrifuges are illegal, because they are produced and sold by the Russians,” clarified Mr. Wellson further. “Not a single dollar of that revenue has come to the U.S. Anything that doesn’t make the U.S. money should be illegal.”

“Yes, true, we don’t make any money by donating millions of dollars of military equipment to rebel groups that destabilize other country’s governments,” Wellson admitted, “but that’s different.”

“Well, it is different. I’m not sure how, but it is. It’s probably tax deductible,” he said.

He waved his hands for silence.

“Ok, enough, enough! I’ve said more than I’m authorized to,” he shouted over the protesting crowd. “To get back to the topic, our suspect whose identity we still don’t know is a four-year-old Black male who was last seen accompanied by a likely related to him Black female in her late 50s. He is known to possess a plastic squirt weapon that has been banned for people of his ethnicity. Our entire force is combing the area inch by inch, and we are confident that we will soon find him and have him shot before he can make any statements to the media that can inflict further damage to the reputation of the Missouri police force.”

“This interview is over!”

He was hurried away before the crowd could ask him any further questions.

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(Related articles: Potential Cop Killer on the Loose, Second Amendment Upheld in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.

Evolution Noticeably at Work in New York City

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Creationists were dealt a major blow today with the discovery that evolution has been acting observably in the area of New York City.

Many New York City drivers seem to have grown a third hand in their struggle to adapt to their environment.

“At first, I kept switching between the gear and the horn,” recounts New York City driver Amanda Sheffield. “But, I seemed to need to operate both. Together. All the time! And then one day, I noticed it. I had grown a third hand. Driving has been simple since then. Now I use my previous right hand for honking, as nature designed it, and my newly grown right hand for changing the gears.”

Asked what she does with her left hand, she demonstrated.

“Fuck you too!” said a passer by, misunderstanding the gesture to refer to him.

“This is a wonderful demonstration of Evolution at work!” said Evolutionary Biologist Reese Plank. “Only those who are fittest to drive in New York City, namely, those with three hands, are the ones that survived. Everyone else shied away from driving, stayed home, never procreated, and ultimately had their gene pool disappear as unfit.”

Reverend Father Georgious, who has dedicated his life to teaching Creationism, could not be reached for comment. 12 year old Josh, who has been his “altar boy” for the past 4 years, spoke instead of him when cornered by a group of journalists. “I think God created these extra hands,” Josh said, “just as he makes hairs grow in strange places, which then need to be blessed and purged.”

The Government has appealed to the public to refrain from further inquiries. They swear in their honesty that the strange phenomenon is by no means related to recent increase of sales of weapons-grade Uranium to households that can afford it.

(See completely unrelated article on Weapons-Grade Uranium Sales in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

Junior Kentucky Senator Rand Paul to Use Prayer to Combat Global Warming

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Republican conservative and Tea Party favorite Randall Howard “Rand” Paul today reached out simultaneously to several of his potential target voter communities — the deeply religious, the fiscally conservative, and the relatively educated — by announcing his plans to use prayer as a free and effective tool to combat global warming.

“I can no longer close our eyes to a problem that threatens the disappearance of our species,” said in an interview the former ophthalmologist. “The Tea Party is on its way to becoming extinct. We have to act, and to act now.”

Mr. Paul has only recently warmed up to the idea of climate change.

“It is true, and I would be the first to admit it, that I did not subscribe to the story of global warming myself. But, the political climate appears to have changed,” he said.

What changed the presidential hopeful’s mind?

“It was a sign from God,” said Paul, addressing his religious audience. “A tree got struck by lightning in one of my houses. It could have fallen directly on top of the beautiful colonial building and destroyed its Spanish shingles, but instead, it fell the other way, right between the golf course and the tennis court.”

How did this event relate to Global Warming?”

“Not directly, of course. But, when this lightning struck, two things went through my mind. First, I thought God was trying to tell me something. I pray every day. I am not the kind of person God would be striking with a lightning unless He has something important to tell me.”

“And second, even though God wanted to tell me something, it was clear that He didn’t want to punish me. He was kind enough to spare me any conversations with my insurance company. So, He only wanted me to see this as a sign, and then interpret it.”

How did the young politician interpret this sign?

“I went back into the house relieved, and the first thing I saw on TV was Fox News praising numerous arrests of protesters at a rally against Global Warming. I realized this was the sign.”

What did this sign tell the Tea Party favorite?

“It told me that there is a significant part of the voter base that cares about Global Warming,” he said. “The number of people in this rally was hundreds of times more than attendance at any of my speeches.”

“I am now a believer in Global Warming,” he clarified explicitly to make sure the most numerous portion of his target audience actually understands his position.

So, what is his plan?

“Global Warming can be addressed in only one way that is financially feasible,” said Paul, emphasizing the point he was trying to make and simultaneously addressing both his religious and his fiscally conservative listeners. “We must pray.”

We asked if he would consider the same approach to address other issues on his electoral list of concerns, such as, for example, Obamacare.

Paul laughed. “Come on! Obamacare is not something I would leave in God’s hands.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.