Disturbing new information has come to light as the investigation of the potential cop killer in Missouri progresses.
While the identity of the suspect is still unknown, he is believed to be armed and dangerous. A camera at Pagedale Mall where the suspect had been seen prior to his altercation with police has recorded a grainy image of him carrying what looks like a plastic squirt gun.
“These weapons are very dangerous, because they are easy to conceal,” commented Pagedale police chief Darryl K. Wellson. “They can remain undetected in airport screenings. This suspect can be anywhere right now and still have his weapon on him.”
“Worse still, this suspect could have gone to Texas, bought some weapons-grade uranium from any pharmacy, and filled his weapon with radioactive water, ready to squirt it at any member of the force who stands on his way.”
“Comes to think of it,” he added, “he could probably even fill his weapon with sea water from the Bay Area that has been washing up there from Fukushima.”
“Not that this sea water fact has ever been confirmed by anyone other than the EPA and the IAEA,” he hurried to add, “so, for all we know, these might just be rumors.”
“Well, we could trust the IAEA as far as Iranian nuclear ambitions are concerned,” he addressed our concerns, “but certainly not when they express opinions about the safety of our own Bay Area sea water. They are not trained to make educated statements about the environment. Their expertise is preventing evil dictators from acquiring nuclear weapons.”
“Well, having Texas sell weapons-grade uranium is not the same thing as having an evil Iranian dictator produce it in illegal centrifuges,” he clarified.
“These centrifuges are illegal, because they are produced and sold by the Russians,” clarified Mr. Wellson further. “Not a single dollar of that revenue has come to the U.S. Anything that doesn’t make the U.S. money should be illegal.”
“Yes, true, we don’t make any money by donating millions of dollars of military equipment to rebel groups that destabilize other country’s governments,” Wellson admitted, “but that’s different.”
“Well, it is different. I’m not sure how, but it is. It’s probably tax deductible,” he said.
He waved his hands for silence.
“Ok, enough, enough! I’ve said more than I’m authorized to,” he shouted over the protesting crowd. “To get back to the topic, our suspect whose identity we still don’t know is a four-year-old Black male who was last seen accompanied by a likely related to him Black female in her late 50s. He is known to possess a plastic squirt weapon that has been banned for people of his ethnicity. Our entire force is combing the area inch by inch, and we are confident that we will soon find him and have him shot before he can make any statements to the media that can inflict further damage to the reputation of the Missouri police force.”
“This interview is over!”
He was hurried away before the crowd could ask him any further questions.
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(Related articles: Potential Cop Killer on the Loose, Second Amendment Upheld in Texas)
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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.