Broken Elevator Ruins New Year Resolutions

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Several dozen members of the Thighs of Steel Gym in Brooklyn, NY, started their new year with disappointment after a broken elevator at their gym prevented them from starting the new year with a workout.

“Disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe it,” complained an animated Dina Cliff, a loyal member of the gym since the late 1990s. “I had been looking forward to this day for more than two years. I promised myself back at the end of 2012 that 2015 will be a year of active, regular exercise. And today, I found out that the elevator to my gym is broken. What am I supposed to do? Take the stairs?”

The popular gym occupies the spacious third floor of a large sports complex. The ground floor houses a swimming pool, and the floor above it houses basketball courts.

“I joined this gym because it has a large and convenient parking lot,” said New York resident Charlie Guttendobber. Most other gyms close by don’t have parking lots, and you need to park a quarter mile away to get to them. Who is going to walk a quarter mile just so they can exercise?”

Thighs of Steel has other amenities too. It features convenient moving walkways allowing patrons to commute between different gym equipment without the inconvenience of walking. There are also bellhops that help patrons carry their gym bags from their cars to the locker rooms.

There is, however, a single elevator. And when on January 1, 2015, it broke down, dozens of gym patrons got stranded in the lobby, unable to get to their planned exercise.

The gym is looking to urgently hire emergency personnel who can help carry patrons on their backs up and down the stairs while the elevator is being fixed. They are also investing in an infrastructural improvement of the building that would allow installation of escalators which can be used as an alternative if the only elevator fails again.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

New Safety Measures to be Implemented for Olympic Chess Players

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Summer Olympics have been brutal for chess players this year. Many have sustained incapacitating injuries that are raising serious concerns about the safety of this sport.

Sergey Tomov, the Russian three-time Olympic champion suffered a brain cramp only fifteen moves into his second game. He had to be carried out on a stretcher, his left eye twitching. He withdrew from the competition shortly after.

Elena Gomez, the Bolivian rookie who has been captivating the hearts of international audiences and was predicted to win at least bronze this year, tripped on her way to the board. She was carried to her chair by the entire Bolivian weight lifting team, who almost got injuries of their own by the uprecedented effort. Elena played a distracted game, barely winning over Gunther Kaufmann, one of the intellectually inferior contestants, who was able to capitalize on her unexpected weakness. She was seen rubbing her knee repeatedly where she apparently hurt herself on the carpet-covered floor. There are rumors that she is considering knee surgery. It is unclear if the surgery was to occur before or after her participation in the games.

The Korean Do-hyun Kwang, another rising star on the International Chess horizons, struggled as she lifted pawns to move them across the board. She is speculated to be symptomatic of repetitive stress injury of her forearm, which in the longer term would put an end to her hopes of winning gold.

Finally, Matumba Kotongo from Lesotho, the first African to qualify in the Senior Men’s category, announced that his Ophthalmologist has ran out of diopters for his thick bifocals that had endeared him to ladies of all nationalities and ages. He was, as he put it himself, “blind as a bat” from staring too long at chess boards. This “might have been OK if [he] were being used to hit a baseball with”, he joked, but it was doing him no good if he wanted to see all the way to the other side of the chess board.

Year over year, chess has been becoming more and more risky for the athletes who aspire to perform in this challenging sport. The World Olympic Association is now considering imposing stricter restrictions on the contestants, and establishing tougher ground rules of engagement.

“The health and safety of our athletes is our top priority,” said Lilly Lee Lelland, a prominent member of the Olympic Planning Committee from Lalla, Lithuania. “Starting with the next Olympics, we will not be allowing anyone over the age of 90, or over 300 lbs. We will require proper stretching of the mind before any game, say, by casual 10 minute conversation with another human being. The floor will no longer be just carpet. We will be padding it with tempurpedic material, and the athletes will be transported to their chess boards in wheelchairs, safely secured with seat belts.”

Concerns remain, but these actions have been seen as positive steps that would put the minds of our intellectually superior athletes at ease.

Chess Player Suspended for Hitting His Fiancée

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The United States Chess Federation is suspending its long time favorite star player Shawn “The Pawn” Douglas for punching his fiancée in the shoulder with his fist. Douglas’ violent act was recorded on a security camera in the parking lot of Pottery Barn, where the couple had been shopping for what they referred to as “elegant dinnerware”.

“We had come here to get a set of new wine glasses, silk cloth napkins, and ivory napkin rings,” Douglas’ fiancée told reporters.

““We love this store,” chimed in Douglas. “We look for simplicity and style when it comes to household items.”

The couple stood side by side, holding hands. Yet, behavioral experts analyzing the recorded video of their interview swear by their honesty that they sense tension and uneasiness between the two.

“How can there not be discomfort,” said relationship expert Sean Rice. “An act of battery took place. Who knows how often this happens in their household.”

Douglas has declined to comment in light of possible charges that may be pressed against him.

Douglas’ fiancée, Michael Gerard Tyson, a nine-time world heavy-weight champion of professional boxing was similarly silent. Legal experts believe that he may have been advised to refrain from commenting until the inevitable punch-line starts to show.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.