ISIS Calls George W. Bush “Founding Father”

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In a rare* attempt to reach out to the world, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani today held a speech that gave an insight into the historical and political context that gave birth to his homeland, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“Every nation has its defining moments; moments that remain in history to remind future generations how the nation was born,” said al-Adnani on video filmed in an undisclosed secure location with no defining characteristics of the filming background.

“The American infidels, may God never allow any gun control laws to prevent them from killing themselves, consider it a defining moment for their country when they threw away all their tea. This event marked the inception of their nation of Satan, which Allah has been trying to destroy by sending mentally unstable gun owners with histories of depression and violence to kill innocent children and adults alike without the government taking any action toward better background checks.”

“But since we are talking about defining moments,” he said, “let me take a moment to reflect on how our own great nation, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, was made possible.” His eyes grew moist, maybe from emotion, or maybe from a recent leak from one of the vials of neuro-paralytic gas he had been storing in his room for future use on enemies, peaceful civilians, or hostages.

“For us,” he said, “this moment was when former American President George W. Bush, may God give him more siblings with the same or lesser intelligence if that’s theoretically possible, attacked our homelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, destabilized the Middle East, created an easy to fill power vacuum, and killed thousands of civilians, to breed the anger and hatred that brought our new nation together.”

“We may not be saying this out loud,” he admitted, “but in our hearts we know it’s true. Mr. Bush is, in at least one sense of this word, our founding father.”

Following recorded applause after his speech, Mr. al-Adnani answered a few questions from his non-existent live audience.

“We are, of course, excited at the prospect of his brother Jeb becoming President,” he said in response to the question if he’d endorse Presidential candidate Jeb Bush for the job of the most powerful man in the world.

“This would make it certain that America will send us some more young, unfortunate soldiers who will march right into our firing ranges,” he clarified.

A non-existent person from the audience apparently asked him an unexpected question about another very popular candidate in the Republican presidential race. Mr. al-Adnani just shivered.

Trump,” he said in response, “gives me the creeps. That lunatic will bomb the world out of existence before we are able to acquire the weapons to do so.”

“On the other hand,” he admitted cautiously, “We may be lucky and he might destroy his own country first. Who knows. As far as American Politics goes, I am undecided.”

See also: ISIS Declares Halloween as Their First National Holiday

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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*For ISIS, the adjective “rare” indicates that the frequency with which they try to communicate their extremist ideology is less than the frequency with which they wish they did.

ISIS Requests Enhanced Spreadsheets from Google

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Today, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani confirmed that ISIS has made a formal request to Google to enhance its Google Doc Spreadsheets with capacity to enter more data.

“We use Google Docs to track all of our enemies,” said Adnani. “Over time, the list has grown considerably, and Google Docs is no longer capable of providing adequate data capacity for us.”

ISIS has also issued a plea for more Statisticians and Data Analysis Specialists to join its ranks.

“If you have prior experience dealing with large data sets, and if you have a death wish, then ISIS is the right place for you. Please purchase a one-way ticket to Syria via Turkey,” said Adnani. “We will make sure you are accommodated quickly for the short period of time while you will be helping us cope with the increasing problem of cataloging and classifying our enemies.”

“We also pledge to make sure that you rest in pieces after your job is done.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Speaker of the House John Boehner Invites Al Qaeda Spokesman to Address Congress

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In an unprecedented show of solidarity, and emboldened by the new Republican majority in both chambers of Congress, Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner announced that he has arranged for Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn to address Congress on the issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage and Gun Rights.

“Yes, we do have our differences,” admitted Mr. Boehner. “We do not agree with their hatred of the West. They do not agree with our interference in their genocide operations. But overall, we share one important common value – we both believe in crippling our current President Barrack Obama in all his undertakings over the last two years of his presidency.”

Mr. Boehner went behind the president’s back to negotiate secretly with Mr. Gadahn, an American-born convert to radical Islam, so he could help undermine the President’s progressive policies on these key Republican issues.

“On the issue of Abortion, we both agree that women have to obey what conservative men like myself tell them to do,” said Boehner. “Giving women a choice means they could choose to disobey men. Frankly, we are jealous of the success with which Extremist groups like Al Qaeda have enjoyed in controlling their women.”

Gay marriage would not have been a problem if there were no homosexuals in this country,” said Boehner. “Unfortunately, this is not the case here, because, unlike areas where Al Qaeda has control, we have failed to eliminate individuals displaying homosexual tendencies.”

“And finally, Gun rights,” he said. “No one can explain the critical importance of owning large stockpiles of powerful weapons than someone who uses such weapons to cause mass casualties.”

Mr. Gadahn, who has not visited the United States ever since he defected in 1995 at the age of 17 expressed his excitement and anticipation of the upcoming visit. He has been trying on different fits of suicide vests with an eye for low detectability, better comfort and maximum radius of destruction.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Al Qaeda in Yemen Admits to Making Mistake about Charlie Hebdo Drawings

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Surprising new information came to light today as the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen (AQY) completed its own investigation into the shootings that killed 11 journalists from the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo and one police officer in Paris. Specifically, AQY discovered that they had made a terrible mistake in concluding prematurely that Mr. Hebdo was drawing unflattering caricatures of the prophet Muhammad.

“He was, actually, drawing someone who looked very much like the prophet,” said AQY spokesman Haroon Rashid, “but a careful investigation determined it was not actually him.”

The mistake unfortunately proved fatal for the innocent journalists, and AQY expressed regret that their mujahedeen had mounted the attack. Still, he referred to the attackers as only “misguided”, stopping short of calling them terrorists and murderers.

“Well, there are inherent difficulties in judging what depictions are true depictions of the prophet, because no one really knows what the prophet actually looks like,” he said. “That’s one of the problems with not allowing any depictions,” he lamented.

We asked how AQY was actually able to conduct its investigation then.

“As you can imagine, someone must have an actual drawing somewhere, or else there would be no way to exercise judgment,” admitted Rashid. “So, let me come out clean – we, the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen, do keep drawings of the prophet in a secret location. They are used strictly for cases like this, where we have to figure out if someone had been violating the law that prohibits depictions of him.”

Unfortunately, the mistake can not be corrected. The innocent journalists have already become unintended victims of this brutal and senseless attack. The AQY offered however, to take some, albeit untimely, action.

“We went one step further,” said Rashid, “and identified the actual person Mr. Hebdo had been drawing all this time. His name is Abdul Hamal Hassan al Biruni, and he is a villager in one of the villages where we have strong presence. Mr. Biruni had travelled to Paris several years ago, and taken pictures of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower. It was during this trip when someone from the satirical newspaper had spotted him during their lunch break, and they had then used his looks as inspiration for their drawings.”

As a gesture of accepting responsibility for the unjustified brutal attack, AQY had decapitated Mr. Biruni and his entire family to offer the families of the innocent Paris victims what they called “a small token of fairness”.

We, at News Sense News, independently determined that Mr. Biruni had actually secretly been attempting to immigrate with his entire family to Paris, where, as he had put it, “men and women can live with dignity in a free and safe world”. The AQY spokesman denied knowledge of this fact.

“No, our execution of Mr. Biruni was solely based on his likeness to the prophet Muhammad,” he said. “We don’t want any mistakes of this kind to happen in the future if someone decided randomly to depict Mr. Biruni in a cartoon.”

We asked why Mr. Biruni’s family had been executed with him.

“They were all women and children,” the AQY spokesman shrugged. “They don’t count anyway.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Al Qaeda Operative Disillusioned with Unreliable U.S. Transportation System

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Following a series of frustrations, prominent Al Qaeda operative Abu-Al-Sudan lashed out at the unreliability of the U.S. transportation system which has made it close to impossible for them to plan and execute attacks.

“Expensive tickets. Delayed flights. You can only book those B or E seats right in the middle where you are stuck between two fat infidels, and you can’t get out to pee, much less hijack the plane,” he complained.

“Subway trains,” he continued. “Dirty and disgusting. Smelling like pee. Running either too late, or two early. You can’t time an explosive device to detonate at the right time. You either end up blowing yourself up early with a couple of confused tourists who, like you, thought they knew when the train was arriving, but were also wrong; or you end up being asked to leave at the last subway stop with the damned vest still ticking strapped around your chest.”

“And New York,” he grunted, kicking a canister on the ground in anger. “Fucking New York City in rush hour. You just rot away parked for hours in a yellow cab. You don’t know if you’ll ever get out. You kind of start daydreaming about going back to Guantanamo, because there at least you get one fifteen-minute walk a day. When you finally start moving, you have already missed the event you were trying to blow up. That, and you have to go real bad, and you better go, because you don’t want to end up in heaven smelling like excrement.”

“No, the U.S. transportation system completely fails to meet the reliability standards that we, terrorists, require to be successful,” he shook his head. “This is why we plan to boycott it this coming holiday season. Me and my friends will probably just spend the holidays spelunking in the caves complex in the rugged lawless region along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border instead. Mandatory vacation as usual, I suppose.”