Trump Appointee Rian Johnson Makes Star Wars Great Again

Everyone knows how disappointing the Star Wars saga has been for Americans ever since its very inception, reported Fox News early Saturday, one day after the Premiere of “The Last Jedi”, the latest installment of the Star Wars saga.

That is no more, said Fox News. President Donald John Trump had taken it personally to intervene and Make Star Wars Great Again. Earlier in the year, he had appointed writer and director Rian Johnson to take charge of the franchise, and ensure that it is finally and permanently fixed in the upcoming Episode VIII.

Everything President Trump touches turns into pure gold, stated Fox News. The Last Jedi is no exception.

“The best movie ever!” stated randomly selected by Fox News “Star Wars” fan Buck Cornhauler from rural Alabama, who went to the movies for the first time in twenty years with a ticket sponsored by Fox News, just so he could see the result of Donald Trump’s effort.

Buck admitted that he had never actually seen any of the other Star Wars movies, nor, for that matter, any movie at all over the last 20 years, but he has always been a big fan, as he had been told by the crew of Fox News who paid him to interview him.

Fox News stated that Buck’s experience is the experience of every American. Indeed, they stated, The Last Jedi is not only the best movie of the franchise, but possibly the best movie of all times.

They offered a careful recommendation. All their viewers, they said, should purchase tickets for the movie, but not actually see it, because seeing a movie so great could  spoil every single movie they try to see at any time after that.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

 

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Roy Moore Denies Accusations

Late at night on election Tuesday, 12/12, Republican Senate hopeful Roy Stewart Moore addressed his cheering supporters and firmly denied accusations that he had lost the election to Democratic candidate Doug Jones.

“These allegations are completely false,” Moore stated on national TV.  “I did not lose this election. I never lost anything. These allegations are false.”

Mr. Moore further stated that the timing of the statement that he lost the election, exactly on election day and right after the votes were counted, is too politically convenient to be true.

“If I had really lost the election,” he said, “why didn’t they say that 30 years earlier? Why are they saying I lost the election exactly today, after the counting the votes?”

According to Mr. Moore, the statement that he lost the election is a last-ditch effort of Democrats to stop him from winning.

“It is politically motivated,” he said. “I see no other reason why they would be saying this. This is a vicious, politically-motivated lie.”

President Trump promptly threw his support behind the Republican candidate as soon as the election results became public, saying that he believed Mr. Moore when the latter claimed he did not lose the election.

“Look, he denies it,” said Trump. “He denies it. He says he did not lose. You have to look at it from his point of view too.”

Source: Roy Moore Denies Misconduct Allegations [Fox News]

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Roy Moore to Sponsor Female Teen Incarcerations

Alabama Republican hopeful Roy Moore announced that he is launching an urgent initiative that encourages female teens to commit minor crimes and further assists the Alabama judicial system with their quick incarceration.

“Female teens of 14-16 years of age desperately need the experiences that a co-ed Alabama prison can offer,” stated Moore. “Alabama has not been doing enough to facilitate those kinds of experiences.”

Mr. Moore made it very clear that he has no interest in discriminating against teens on the basis of race.

“My Republican colleagues have typically sponsored programs that help Black teens get into prison,” he said. “I, personally, don’t support that at this exact moment in time. I believe that blond or brunette Caucasian females need the prison experience just as much as teens of other races and backgrounds.”

While Mr. Moore acknowledges that the timing of his initiative may not be ideal, he believes that late is better than never.

“There will be those who try to link my initiative to recent false accusations made by non-Fox-News media,” he said. “These accusations have been nothing but politically motivated lies.”

Moore insisted that his initiative is urgent for completely unrelated reasons, and that he does not expect to be sent to the same exact prison where newly incarcerated female teens may start to be sent soon after.

“I am innocent,” he stated. “Still, one never knows about these things. Life if full of unpredictability.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

 

U.S. Military Expands Its Reach

The U.S. Military has started a marketing campaign appealing to a new target group in order to meet its goal of 80,000 new recruits before September 2018, reported Fox News**.

“We are now specifically targeting thanatophiles,” said Army Deputy Chief of Staff Lt. Gen. Thomas C. Seamands.

Thanatophiles, Seamands explained, are people who love death. The term comes from the Ancient Greek θάνατος (thánatos,death) and φίλος (phílos, dear, beloved).

Some thanatophiles are conscious practitioners. They deliberately seek opportunities to die, say, by frequently attempting suicide.

“The kind who love to die from firearms are ideal, but we are not limiting ourselves to only this kind,” shared Seamands.

Other thanatophiles are subconscious or ‘natural’ practitioners. Examples include people with certain types of mental illnesses.

“Recent effort of the Trump administration to release medical data of mental health patients to U.S. Military recruiters has been very helpful in identifying this type of recruit,” Seamands told us.

Finally, there is the type of thanatophile who wants to take other people with them as they die. Examples are the Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock or the Texas church shooter Devin Kelley.

“Prime, prime candidates for the military,” stated the Lt. General. “We have special web forums that speak to them directly, using their language, and painting their type of images of death.”

For a full list of all targeted thanatophiles, please see the Fox News Article quoted below.

Targeted advertising tells a thanatophile exactly what they want to hear, namely, that joining the U.S. Army under the leadership of President Trump is an almost certain death. Such advertising is expected to lead to high conversion rates and ultimately to a easily fulfilled Army quota before the target deadline.

There is only one catch, added Army spokesman Lt. Col. Randy Taylor, who had, until then, been only listening to the interview.

“As President Trump clearly stated in his Executive Order, none of these people can be gay, lesbian or transgender,” he said. “We need people who are eager to die, but only if they know for certain which bathroom to use, and only if they practice regular, missionary style, man-on-top-of-woman, only in the dark, and only for the purpose of procreation sex.”

 

**Source: Army Lifts Ban on Cutters, Mentally Ill and Drug Abusers to Meet Recruiting Goals (Fox News)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently, as in this case, inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Trump, Duterte Discuss Human Rights

U.S. President Donald John Trump and Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte had been able to briefly discuss the difficult subject of human rights according to a source close to Duterte.

Specifically, President Duterte had brought up his grave concerns about human rights violations in the U.S. committed by racist White cops who shoot and kill unarmed Black teenagers who have not been resisting arrest, White Christian males depriving women of their right to make decisions for their own bodies, entire news networks conspiring to defend and promote child molesters and helping them get elected to Congress, such as, for example, Fox News currently promoting child molester Roy Moore of Alabama, or the very basic right of Americans to peacefully raise awareness of racist issues by kneeling during the National Anthem at football games.

Such violations, Duterte stated during their meeting, are unacceptable in a civilized society.

A spokesman or Duterte stated that Trump “appeared sympathetic and did not have any official position on the matter but was merely nodding his head.”**

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

The Truth About Papadopoulos

Following the revelation that one of President Trump’s campaign aides has admitted to lying to the FBI when initially questioned in FBI’s Russia Collusion probe, president Trump was quick to jump in and condemn the unethical behavior.

“He is a liar,” said President Trump on Tuesday. “He lied about lying to the FBI.”

“First,” explained Trump, “he was supposed to lie when he was questioned. That’s what liars do. They lie. They don’t tell the truth. We expected him to lie. We relied on him to lie. He told us he would lie. So we told him a lie.”

“But,” said Trump, “he was an even bigger liar than we anticipated. He lied to us that he would lie to the FBI. Instead, he told them the truth, which was ok, because that was my truth, and the truth of Fox New and their sponsors, but mostly mine.”

“And then,” said Trump, “he turned around, and lied to the FBI that he lied to them the first time.”

“He is a liar,” repeated Trump in conclusion. “Liars cannot be believed, especially when they say something against me.”

“Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia,” he said. “Everyone knows that.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Manafort Charged, the Details

Monday morning started with some unusual news, Fox News reported. Paul John Manafort Jr., the well known campaign manager of the campaign of now President Donald J. Trump, had been charged with some minor violations.

“Parking Near a Fire Hydrant, Other Charges**”, reported Fox in order of seriousness of the violations.

Mr. Manafort, who, as a lawyer, has been known to be absolutely perfect in following and respecting the laws to the letter, whether they are Federal, State or even just neighborhood laws. Fox News expressed their genuine surprise that Mr. Manafort would ever do anything as serious as parking incorrectly. They, as well as all their sponsors, have spent the morning scratching their heads to find an explanation.

“We are still looking for answers,” said Fox News talk show host Sean Patrick Hannity, who is known to be the most fair and unbiased of all talk show hosts in the entire history of the news industry. “I know it, deep inside my heart, just as I know that there is no such thing as Global Warming, that Mr. Manafort is innocent. There has got to be a good explanation why he parked incorrectly. If, indeed he did,” he added. “This may all be one big left-wing conspiracy.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

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Author’s Note: This article aims to ridicule the blatantly misleading headline that Fox News published on their front page on Monday Morning: “Manafort Charged with Money Laundering, Other Charges”

** “Other Charges” included the charge of Conspiracy Against the U.S.

O’Reilly: God Made Me Do It

This Monday, disgraced TV host Bill O’Reilly, who was ousted by Fox News in April because of sexual harassment he had committed towards a fellow Fox News colleague, had a rare moment of honest self-reflection and understanding of blame.

“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said** on the latest episode of his web series, ironically named “No Spin News.” “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

[** Read source article with this quote and more on CNN Money]

God, explained O’Reilly, was single-handedly responsible for the criminal act of sexual harassment which he, Bill, committed towards Lis Wiehl, a long-time legal analyst at Fox.

“Who else?” asked O’Reilly the rhetorical question. “I only do what God tells me to do, nothing else. So, the blame for anything I commit falls squarely on Him. There is no question about it.”

He went on to explain in great detail how exactly God had instructed him to commit the criminal act, down to the very fine details of what exactly, he, Bill, should be doing to his Fox colleague, and in what manner.

“I expected,” O’Reilly said, “that God would then take responsibility and step in to explain that it was really Him who instructed me to do this.”

Instead, he was disappointed when God did not in any way, shape or form do that.

“Disappointed and angry,” said O’Reilly. “And justifiable so. God made me do it, but I am the one who has to face the (financial) consequences. I hope, and, indeed, even pray, that after the most recent settlement of $32 million I paid, God would do the right thing, and send me a re-reimbursement check.”

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Source: Bill O’Reilly ‘mad at God’ over sexual misconduct allegations (CNN)

** This is a real quote which you can read about in this CNN article or, alternatively, watch it with your own eyes in O’Reilly’s new show, really very, very ironically, and completely inaccurately named “No Spin News”.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

On Tuesday, 8/2, Eric Trump, the son of Republican presidential nominee Donald John Trump, shared with reporters that his dad had already apologized to the grieving Gold Star family of Khizr Khan, whom Trump had insulted over their impassioned speech in support of his rival Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“He did,” confirmed Eric Trump with the same conviction and certainty as his father. “He offered Mr. Khan a public apology.” (see CNN source article below).

Trump, of course, has not.

“My dad also already released his tax returns,” continued the younger Trump in a manner that very much resembled that of his father. “They are already out there, publicly available,” he said, looking at the camera without blinking.

They, of course, are not.

“My father never said that Russia should have their hackers look for Hillary Clinton’s emails,” continued his statement the younger Trump, emphasizing the word never. “He also never said that Mexicans are rapists, or that a Latino judge is disqualified to judge him because he is a Latino,” he said, despite videos of his father making exactly these statements, broadcast by most major outlets in the country.

“He was never endorsed by the KKK leader David Duke, or by the Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, or by the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un,” declared further Trump’s son, despite the fact that his father has received exactly those endorsements.

“And finally, he has never, ever mentioned that he will be building a wall on the Mexican border,” said the younger Trump.

“Never,” he repeated.

Fox News published the entire interview to ensure Republican voters are aware of the truth about Donald Trump. All other news outlets, Fox stated, every single one of them, all over the world, in U.S. and internationally, without any exception, are making up lies to make the candidate they have been paid to promote appear unfit for the U.S. Presidency.

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Source (CNN): Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

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Also relevant: North Korea Endorses Donald Trump for President

Democrats Distracting Americans from Most Relevant Issues

On Friday, March 25, 2016, political analyst Chris Wallace of Fox News discussed the stark differences between the topics of discussion in Democratic vs Republican debates.

“Look,” he said, “Democratic debates are a sham, a distraction. Democrats keep bringing up irrelevant topics such as Education, Health Care and Global Warming.”

“Effectively,” he said, “Democrats are hoping to divert the attention of the American public from the most pertinent and urgent issues facing our country, namely, which Presidential candidate has a larger penis, and who has a prettier wife,” said Wallace.

“It is alarming,” he said, “that there are people in our country who are easily fooled by the Democratic political manipulations. It is our responsibility to ensure that Americans are focused on the issues that matter most.”

Wallace vowed, that Fox News will not betray Americans like other news networks do. Their coverage of the penis sizes of the candidates, and the looks of their wives will continue to keep Americans informed, so they can make the right choice on Election Day.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: