Meteorologists Promise to be Done with Winter by March


Let’s face it: winter was late this year in the North East United States. Meteorologists from the Weather Channel would be the first to admit that they missed deadlines, causing disappointment among residents and visitors alike.

“We didn’t have a white Christmas,” complained New York resident Dolf Petersen. “The ski slopes have fake snow. The Weather Channel really screwed up this year.”

Weather Channel CEO David Kenny stood somber in front of our cameras.

“Indeed, there have been inefficiencies in the company,” he admitted. “However, we have invested in new systems and gone through a comprehensive re-org. We are confident that we will be back on track offering timely weather to residents this year.”

“Currently, we are compensating for the earlier misses,” he continued. “We are packing all the freezing temperatures that should have been in December into January, in addition to the cold that was slated for this month . We will do our best to spread the snow over January and February, but, since we have catching up to do, we may need to have a lot of it at the same time. Mid-Jan we are planning a large blizzard.”

“We will work the polar vortex if we have to, but I promise you, we are putting this company back on schedule. Most importantly,” he said, “you have my commitment. Spring will start on March 21st, as planned.”

The company’s stock went through a modest surge, but was mostly flat in late day trading, as investors channeled their skepticism on the ability of to deliver. We, however, are confident in the promise. If you can’t trust weather people, who would you trust?

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.