Ted Cruz: Obama Responsible for Scalia’s Death

There is a reason why an autopsy would not be performed on the late Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court Antonin Gregory Scalia, who died unexpectedly in Texas on February 12, 2016. At least one of the Republican Presidential hopefuls, the Cuban-Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, claims to know the answers regarding his death, which many have been trying to find.

“If an autopsy were performed, it would reveal the truth, which has been suppressed to mislead the American people,” Mr. Cruz stated on Fox News on President’s Day.

Prompted to share what he knows, Cruz looked directly into the camera and said. “Scalia died because of Obama. His death at this convenient for Obama time was no accident.”

Fox News was intrigued by the audacious accusation. “Mr. Cruz, what you are suggesting is most interesting,” echoed conservative TV host Sean Patrick Hannity. “Can you share your insights with our eager to know the truth viewers?”

“Let’s start with the obvious,” said Cruz. “No one that weahtly and powerful dies at the young age of 79.”

“That’s true,” Hannity nodded.

“Secondly,” said the Cuban-Canadian, “Scalia was a true patriot and a pillar of conservative values. He was someone we trusted to vote as we told him to vote. If he had died on his own terms, or on ours, he would have timed his death differently. He would have waited until I become President.”

“True again,” said Hannity.

“And thirdly,” Cruz concluded, “The person responsible for such a death is typically the person who benefits most from the death. In the case of Justice Scalia, the person who benefits most is, without question, our so-called ‘president’. Whom I plan to replace soon by the way,” he added.

“The implications of what you are saying could be very serious,” cautioned Hannity. “Do you have any proof?”

“I can provide proof if needed,” said Cruz. “The guy who has been providing proof for the non-existence of Global Warming is already working on a story that half of Congress would buy without questioning.”

“Anything else you would like to share with our viewers, Mr. Cruz?” asked Hannity.

“Obama killed Scalia!” concluded Cruz, addressing the American people. “He should be impeached. When I become President, I plan to repeal his heinous act in my first day of office.”

“I will bring Scalia back,” he vowed. “That’s a promise!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Presidential Candidates’ Reaction to Equality of Marriage Vote

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On Friday, 6/26, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of gay and lesbian Americans to marry, a measure that made history in the steps the United States has taken towards equality of its citizens.

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, who for some unknown reason still believes he is eligible to run for the Presidency, was quick to react. “Repeal,” he summarized his opinion in one word. “We will appeal, and we will repeal,” he said.

Noticing the catchy phrase, he instantly capitalized on it. “Appeal-repeal, appeal-repeal!” he chanted, pumping his fist in the air. One supporter clapped his hands in rhythm with the chant. This allowed the caretakers from the hospital from which this supporter had escaped locate him, and they came rushing to have him removed for his own safety.

“Oh, God! Oooh, God! How could you ever allow such sin on the face of this earth!” mumbled presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, his eyes closed and palms open as if he were reading from the Holy Book. “Wait a second,” he said shortly after, opening his eyes in realization. “This cannot be the work of God. Anathema! Anathema!” he shouted, crossing himself and spitting inside his shirt.

“It won’t hold water,” repeated his first reaction Presidential candidate Marco Rubio of Florida. “It’s full of holes. And one hole is enough for all the water to flow out,” he clarified.

“It’s the second Horseman of the Apocalypse,” said wide-eyed Michele Bachmann. “The first Horseman was the Obamacare vote. We are so near to the Apocalypse, I can smell it!”

“That was me, honey,” whispered her husband Marcus Bachmann who was standing right next to her. “Sorry, I had beans for lunch…”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” said Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush of Florida. He retracted his previous comment that he will wait for his brother’s reaction before he expresses an opinion, but continued to remain ambivalent.

“I think that decision is good,” chimed in newly announced Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “More hotel bookings!” he explained excitedly, rubbing his palms together.

“Awesome news!” said Hillary Clinton. “And Bill, you have nothing to worry about,” she said, addressing her husband and former President Bill Clinton, who appeared to be checking out female campaign staffers with expression of both interest and concern.

“I didn’t order this traffic jam,” said a confused Presidential Candidate Chris Christie looking out of his window, having missed on the news of the Supreme Court decision. “Or did I? Honey, was I drunk last night?” he asked.

More reactions are expected later, as Presidential candidates have a chance to discuss the new ruling with their campaign advisers.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Oklahoma: The First State to Institute Predominantly-Gay Marriage

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The State of Oklahoma may become the first state where marriage licenses are issued predominantly for gay men.

The surprising development comes as a direct consequence of House Bill 1125 sponsored by Republican State Representative Todd Russ. Bill 1125 restricts marriage to only “people of faith”. The Bill was approved by the Oklahoma State House on Tuesday, March 10th, 2015 and is on its way for approval by Republican-dominated Congress.

While there are many in Oklahoma who consider themselves people of faith, there is no disagreement that the only ones who truly fit that bill are the Oklahoma clergy: priests, bishops and other members of the Church who have devoted their lives to serving God.

Gay men constitute between 53-58% of Oklahoma’s clergy. The relatively small uncertainty in that estimate comes from clergy who identify themselves as “mostly gay” as opposed to “gay”, which leaves it up to debate whether they should be included in that percentage.

Oklahoma plans to revoke all previously issued marriage licenses which may involve people who may not truly be “people of faith”. The State will the then start issuing marriage licenses anew, i.e, start with a clean Bill. Experts agree that because of the specificity of the law, mostly members of the clergy will be sufficiently eligible to be considered truly people of faith, and will therefore constitute the majority of approved marriages.

This will make Oklahoma the first state in the history of the U.S., where more than half of all married couples will be gay.

Reference: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2015/03/oklahoma-house-passes-bill-restricting-marriage-to-people-of-faith/

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.