Don’t Play That Game: Surgeon General Warns

In an unprecedented address to the nation, Surgeon General Jerome Adams warned Americans of the dangers of playing a newly suggested drinking game inviting participants to drink every time Fox News mentions the words “Socialist” or “Socialism” in the upcoming election 2020 cycle.

“Our projections indicate that this game could result in severe alcohol poisoning and/or death of approximately 63 million Americans,” Adams, a Donal Trump appointee, warned. “More importantly,” he added, “These would be exactly the wrong 63 million of Americans to die before the 2020 election.”

Asked to explain, Adams provided more details.

“First,” he said, “this game would be played exclusively by viewers of Fox News, a group that president Trump and his trusted advisors care deeply to keep alive.”

“Second,” he said, “Fox News recently obtained a license for the unlimited use of the exact words named in the game: Socialist and Socialism. Initial projections are that these two words alone would constitute more than 95% of all words the network would be using in the next several months to ensure every single Fox viewer had heard them at least 68,000 times prior to Election Day.”

For those unfamiliar with the science behind it, hearing the same word 68,000 times has been shown to result in 100% obedience in dogs.

“Finally,” Adams concluded, “This game is projected to result in the disproportional deaths of people with reasoning issues, alcohol abuse issues, anger issues, and issues of general self-control, which are critical for the re-election of our God-given president.”

Fox News was quick to air the warning and add its own alarm to it. “While drinking, just like smoking or giving loaded weapons to toddlers, has no negative effect on people, this particular game could result in Fox News losing business, which this country cannot afford,” said Tucker Carlson, a news anchor of Fox News and head of its newly formed Department of Truth.

President Trump also chimed in with a Tweet. “Why is Obama not in jail for this?” he asked, despite the fact that the game had been suggested by none other than his own pick for the Supreme Court, the Honorable Brett Michael Kavanaugh, after a night of heavy drinking and other alcohol experimentation, not necessarily always oral. Mr. Kavanaugh had since retracted his suggestion, partly because he had been briefly sober, and partly because he had no recollection of making it.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS. We aim to entertain as well as educate.

Pence: I Was Not Aware

On Monday, Nov 4, vice president Michael Richard Pence defended his use a year earlier of a private email server to conduct official Government business.

“I was not aware that I should not do this,” the vice president stated. “You cannot blame someone for something they were not aware of.”

Mr. Pence was reminded that a year prior to his use of a private server, he had fiercely criticized the then Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton for using a private email server while serving as Secretary of State.

“Yes, but that was Clinton,” explained Pence. “I was not aware that a Republican should not be doing this.”

He brushed aside any concerns that sensitive information may have been compromised when his private email server got hacked.

“There’s nothing that Russia doesn’t already know,” he shrugged. “No harm done.”

Source: Pence Used Personal Email for State Business – and was Hacked

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often, as in this case, inspired by very, very real news, which we make sure we reference.

 

Michael Cohen Offered Quaint One-Bedroom Apartment, Rent-Free, Fox Reports

On Tuesday, August 21, news hit the airwaves that American attorney Michael Dean Cohen, who has worked devotedly and exclusively for one high-profile client since 2006, up to until one year after that client was made President of the United States, has gained the most unexpected benefit from the U.S. Government — a quaint, one-bedroom, modestly furnished apartment, in which he is cordially welcome to live rent-free for a period of 4-5 years, Fox News reported.

Mr. Cohen will, in addition, be entitled to several free meals a day, caringly delivered to him directly at his bedside for his enjoyment and convenience, as well as a free relaxed-fit suit in orange, which will be washed for him weekly at no expense, Fox further announced.

This exclusive story has only been shared on Fox News and Fox News only, the most fair and balanced, true and honest network ever.

Fox Warning: if you are to read any other news outlet, you might find that they all seem to have conspired to tell one and the same consistent lie about Michael Dean Cohen.

Fox News urges their readers to completely stop reading other news sources and trust only them, Fox News, because the rest of the press, all of them, who is, as the current president stated, an enemy of the people, publishes only of fake news.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

The Truth About Papadopoulos

Following the revelation that one of President Trump’s campaign aides has admitted to lying to the FBI when initially questioned in FBI’s Russia Collusion probe, president Trump was quick to jump in and condemn the unethical behavior.

“He is a liar,” said President Trump on Tuesday. “He lied about lying to the FBI.”

“First,” explained Trump, “he was supposed to lie when he was questioned. That’s what liars do. They lie. They don’t tell the truth. We expected him to lie. We relied on him to lie. He told us he would lie. So we told him a lie.”

“But,” said Trump, “he was an even bigger liar than we anticipated. He lied to us that he would lie to the FBI. Instead, he told them the truth, which was ok, because that was my truth, and the truth of Fox New and their sponsors, but mostly mine.”

“And then,” said Trump, “he turned around, and lied to the FBI that he lied to them the first time.”

“He is a liar,” repeated Trump in conclusion. “Liars cannot be believed, especially when they say something against me.”

“Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia,” he said. “Everyone knows that.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Manafort Charged, the Details

Monday morning started with some unusual news, Fox News reported. Paul John Manafort Jr., the well known campaign manager of the campaign of now President Donald J. Trump, had been charged with some minor violations.

“Parking Near a Fire Hydrant, Other Charges**”, reported Fox in order of seriousness of the violations.

Mr. Manafort, who, as a lawyer, has been known to be absolutely perfect in following and respecting the laws to the letter, whether they are Federal, State or even just neighborhood laws. Fox News expressed their genuine surprise that Mr. Manafort would ever do anything as serious as parking incorrectly. They, as well as all their sponsors, have spent the morning scratching their heads to find an explanation.

“We are still looking for answers,” said Fox News talk show host Sean Patrick Hannity, who is known to be the most fair and unbiased of all talk show hosts in the entire history of the news industry. “I know it, deep inside my heart, just as I know that there is no such thing as Global Warming, that Mr. Manafort is innocent. There has got to be a good explanation why he parked incorrectly. If, indeed he did,” he added. “This may all be one big left-wing conspiracy.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

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Author’s Note: This article aims to ridicule the blatantly misleading headline that Fox News published on their front page on Monday Morning: “Manafort Charged with Money Laundering, Other Charges”

** “Other Charges” included the charge of Conspiracy Against the U.S.

Hillary Lies, Again. Donald Tells It As It Is.

The Second Presidential debate of Presidential Election 2016, hosted in Washington University in St. Louis, MO, and moderated by CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz, highlighted, once again, the poignant issues and personality differences between the two debating candidates.

Never had these differences and traits been more apparent than during the candidates’ closing statements, which, befittingly, solidified and put an emphatic exclamation mark on their positions and beliefs.

Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton ended the debate, once again, with an outward lie.

“I respect his children,” she said. “His children are incredibly able and devoted.”

American voters reeled from the obvious falsehood of her statement. A simple Google check on Donald Trump, or his children, is sufficient for American voters to understand how insincere and untrue Hillary’s statement was.

Donald John Trump, on the other hand, told it exactly as it is:

“She doesn’t quit,” he said. “She doesn’t give up. I tell it like it is. She’s a fighter.”

He stopped short of sharing his sincere belief that Ms. Clinton will be the next President of the United States, but American audiences who are used to his usual subtle and modest way of expression had no difficulty understanding his implied message.

#debates #debates2016

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Poll Finds Trump, Clinton Tied

Zbinek Gjdanovski, a national of the Republic of Poland, was just looking for a restroom when he walked into the Royal Payne hotel in Manhattan, NYC. He walked past the concierge, where a small line of men dressed in dark business suits had lined up patiently. He walked past the dark, green marble reception desk, where a busy receptionist was chatting away on the phone with a professional expression on his clean shaven face. Finally, he turned a corner and walked into what he believed would be a restroom.

He found himself in a luxurious, posh decorated hotel room, with its heavy, plush crimson curtains drawn shut. The only light came from a small, red bed lamp with hanging golden macramé, which reflected in the mirrored ceiling.

On the heavy mahogany bed, naked, lay the current Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump and the current Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. They were tied by the wrists with soft, velvet ropes, facing each other, on opposing headboards.

The two Presidential Candidates were slightly surprised by the visitor, and asked if he were by any chance Ruby Cream, the dressed-as-a-male lady they had both been expecting. Finding that Zbinek was just a random walk-in, the two hastily asked if he would be interested in getting $15,000 for a short game of “Follow My Presidential Orders”. When Mr. Gjdanovski politely declined, the two commanded him to leave and keep his mouth shut or else “the Second Amendement People” would take care of him. The latter statement came from Mr. Trump.

Correction: Our writing staff just found out that the word “poll”, spelled “p-o-l-l”, in the title, actually refers to a questionnaire sent out to potential voters, and not, as they initially assumed, to a citizen of Polish nationality, which would have been spelled “P-o-l-e”. There was a similar misunderstanding of the term “tied”. News Sense News is therefore withdrawing this story and apologizing for any inadvertent misunderstanding it may have caused.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news.

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Post Correction:

Due to the correction above, our team has been unable to share the alleged photo of this alleged occurrence, now found to be due to simple title misunderstanding. Had this misunderstanding not taken place, we would have shared the following photo with you to illustrate what Mr. Gjdanovski encountered when he mistakenly entered this unexpected hotel room.

Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

On Tuesday, 8/2, Eric Trump, the son of Republican presidential nominee Donald John Trump, shared with reporters that his dad had already apologized to the grieving Gold Star family of Khizr Khan, whom Trump had insulted over their impassioned speech in support of his rival Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“He did,” confirmed Eric Trump with the same conviction and certainty as his father. “He offered Mr. Khan a public apology.” (see CNN source article below).

Trump, of course, has not.

“My dad also already released his tax returns,” continued the younger Trump in a manner that very much resembled that of his father. “They are already out there, publicly available,” he said, looking at the camera without blinking.

They, of course, are not.

“My father never said that Russia should have their hackers look for Hillary Clinton’s emails,” continued his statement the younger Trump, emphasizing the word never. “He also never said that Mexicans are rapists, or that a Latino judge is disqualified to judge him because he is a Latino,” he said, despite videos of his father making exactly these statements, broadcast by most major outlets in the country.

“He was never endorsed by the KKK leader David Duke, or by the Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, or by the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un,” declared further Trump’s son, despite the fact that his father has received exactly those endorsements.

“And finally, he has never, ever mentioned that he will be building a wall on the Mexican border,” said the younger Trump.

“Never,” he repeated.

Fox News published the entire interview to ensure Republican voters are aware of the truth about Donald Trump. All other news outlets, Fox stated, every single one of them, all over the world, in U.S. and internationally, without any exception, are making up lies to make the candidate they have been paid to promote appear unfit for the U.S. Presidency.

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Source (CNN): Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

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Also relevant: North Korea Endorses Donald Trump for President

Trump: Obama is the Most Ignorant President

“Obama is the most ignorant President the U.S. has ever had,” said Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump today, pointing out that the difference is quite apparent when Obama is compared to presidents like George Bush, George W. Bush, or the should-have-been-president Dan Quayle.

“Kenny Baker is the tallest person who ever lived,” continued Trump, referring to the famous actor who acted R2D2 in the legendary Star Wars saga. “Trust me, folks, trust me. No one as tall as him has ever existed on Earth.”

“Similarly, Muhammad Ali is the worst boxer of all time,” stated Trump. “He was terrible. Awful. Everyone knows that. He should never have been a boxer.”

“Finally, Albert Einstein is the stupidest person who ever lived,” said Trump. “It’s amazing how stupid he was, folks, really amazing.” He pointed out that unless someone is of comparable intelligence to the ‘90’s cartoon characters Beavis and Butthead, who have been his own inspiration, Trump would not consider that person worth mentioning on the intelligence scale.

Fox News has touted that the comments above are the most insightful comments ever made by a Presidential candidate.

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Source: Trump States Obama is the Most Ignorant President in U.S. History

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump’s Speech: A Very Successful Translation

Translators around the world unanimously agreed that the acceptance speech Donald John Trump gave in the Republican National Convention to formally accept the role of the Republican Presidential Nominee was a really good translation of the original.

“They did a great job,” said translator Fernando Abdul, a Mexican from a middle Eastern descent who translates books of famous authors for a living. Abdul was not asked to participate in the translation for Trump’s speech, because he only spoke Spanish and Arabic in addition to English, and because of what the Trump Campaign called ‘other reasons’.

To fully appreciate the accomplishment of the translators, one has to compare the translated version to the original speech delivered in 1939, both in terms of accuracy, as well as in spirit and historical context, so the well-struck balance between the two can be appreciated.

The Trump Campaign, which believes strongly in re-use of already delivered speeches, as his wife Melania Trump demonstrated during the Republican Convention, admitted that the work was not done by a single translator, and that it took significant initial planning. First, the exact modifications needed to the original speech had been discussed in detail, so the speech matched the present decade and occasion. Then, an entire team of translators worked together to deliver what they called ‘The Final Solution’.

The tagline of the original speech, “Deutschland Uber Alles,” had been initially translated from its original German to the almost literal “America First.” This version was, however, discarded later for the intentionally longer tagline “Make America Great Again,” because of Trump’s own insistence on longer and larger sized campaign slogans.

The result of the well-done translation was the well-balanced and well-executed speech Trump delivered in the Republican National Convention, which had successfully convinced Trump supporters that if America has to follow the footsteps of pre-war Germany, there is only one candidate they should be voting for.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.