Trump: Obama is the Most Ignorant President

“Obama is the most ignorant President the U.S. has ever had,” said Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump today, pointing out that the difference is quite apparent when Obama is compared to presidents like George Bush, George W. Bush, or the should-have-been-president Dan Quayle.

“Kenny Baker is the tallest person who ever lived,” continued Trump, referring to the famous actor who acted R2D2 in the legendary Star Wars saga. “Trust me, folks, trust me. No one as tall as him has ever existed on Earth.”

“Similarly, Muhammad Ali is the worst boxer of all time,” stated Trump. “He was terrible. Awful. Everyone knows that. He should never have been a boxer.”

“Finally, Albert Einstein is the stupidest person who ever lived,” said Trump. “It’s amazing how stupid he was, folks, really amazing.” He pointed out that unless someone is of comparable intelligence to the ‘90’s cartoon characters Beavis and Butthead, who have been his own inspiration, Trump would not consider that person worth mentioning on the intelligence scale.

Fox News has touted that the comments above are the most insightful comments ever made by a Presidential candidate.

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Source: Trump States Obama is the Most Ignorant President in U.S. History

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Judge Berman on Possible Bid for Presidency

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As if all the drama on the political arena has not been enough with 22 total presidential candidates so far, and counting. Another name has been unwittingly added to the hat, promising to throw the race into even more uncharted waters.

Judge Richard M. Berman, Judge of the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York, has been gaining overnight popularity, quickly threatening to match the blazing stars of the 2016 presidential race, Mr. Donald Trump and Mr. Bernie Sanders.

“He is an American Hero,” said Josh Ramirez, resident of the contested Miami-Dade region of Florida that falsified election data to allow George W. Bush to wrestle the presidency from the actual winner of the election. “Everyone knows Berman. Everyone loves him.”

It all started with Berman’s ruling that vacated the four-game suspension of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. This ruling quickly overshadowed other notable landmark rulings of 2015 such as the Marriage Equality and Affordable Care Acts that shook the nation and gave hope to the world that the United States may be on its way to live in the 21st Century. Richard Berman became an overnight star.

One Dunkin Donuts shop in Lewiston, Maine, posted a sign, letting Mr. Berman know he can now get free coffee for life.

“Why shouldn’t he be caffeinated for free,” said shop manager Angela Wings. “He has done more for this country than all of its presidents combined starting with George Washington.”

“If Berman runs for President, I’d vote for him,” added Danny Levin, a registered Republican and a current supporter of the Republican frontrunner Donald Trump. “He can build that wall with Mexico overnight,” he added, pumping his fist. “He is that capable!”

“Oh, totally, I’d vote for Berman,” said Laurie Choi, a registered Democrat, and a current supporter of the Democratic frontrunner Bernie Sanders. “Bernie wants to send my kids to college. Berman will send them to free Red Sox games for life!”

“Boston sucks,” said New York City resident Georgios Pomodores. “But yes, I’d vote for Berman. God knows I can’t handle even one more traffic jam than I have to in New York,” he said, referring to the intentional traffic jam caused by presidential candidate Chris Christie, who Georgios initially intended to support just as a matter or principle. It was not immediately clear how Berman would help with traffic jams other than him just not being Christie.

Judge Berman himself has not yet decided whether or not he will be running.

“I’m mostly concerned that I might win,” he said. “That means at least four years of my life doing what other people tell me to do.”

Polls indicate that Mr. Berman is currently trailing the projected winner of the presidency Bernie Sanders by only 2 points, which is within the standard error of the poll.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule things. Disclaimer: some information in this article may actually be true. If you encounter such information, take it with a grain of salt, or discard it, if the truth is not your thing.

ISIS Calls George W. Bush “Founding Father”

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In a rare* attempt to reach out to the world, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani today held a speech that gave an insight into the historical and political context that gave birth to his homeland, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“Every nation has its defining moments; moments that remain in history to remind future generations how the nation was born,” said al-Adnani on video filmed in an undisclosed secure location with no defining characteristics of the filming background.

“The American infidels, may God never allow any gun control laws to prevent them from killing themselves, consider it a defining moment for their country when they threw away all their tea. This event marked the inception of their nation of Satan, which Allah has been trying to destroy by sending mentally unstable gun owners with histories of depression and violence to kill innocent children and adults alike without the government taking any action toward better background checks.”

“But since we are talking about defining moments,” he said, “let me take a moment to reflect on how our own great nation, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, was made possible.” His eyes grew moist, maybe from emotion, or maybe from a recent leak from one of the vials of neuro-paralytic gas he had been storing in his room for future use on enemies, peaceful civilians, or hostages.

“For us,” he said, “this moment was when former American President George W. Bush, may God give him more siblings with the same or lesser intelligence if that’s theoretically possible, attacked our homelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, destabilized the Middle East, created an easy to fill power vacuum, and killed thousands of civilians, to breed the anger and hatred that brought our new nation together.”

“We may not be saying this out loud,” he admitted, “but in our hearts we know it’s true. Mr. Bush is, in at least one sense of this word, our founding father.”

Following recorded applause after his speech, Mr. al-Adnani answered a few questions from his non-existent live audience.

“We are, of course, excited at the prospect of his brother Jeb becoming President,” he said in response to the question if he’d endorse Presidential candidate Jeb Bush for the job of the most powerful man in the world.

“This would make it certain that America will send us some more young, unfortunate soldiers who will march right into our firing ranges,” he clarified.

A non-existent person from the audience apparently asked him an unexpected question about another very popular candidate in the Republican presidential race. Mr. al-Adnani just shivered.

Trump,” he said in response, “gives me the creeps. That lunatic will bomb the world out of existence before we are able to acquire the weapons to do so.”

“On the other hand,” he admitted cautiously, “We may be lucky and he might destroy his own country first. Who knows. As far as American Politics goes, I am undecided.”

See also: ISIS Declares Halloween as Their First National Holiday

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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*For ISIS, the adjective “rare” indicates that the frequency with which they try to communicate their extremist ideology is less than the frequency with which they wish they did.

Makers of “Frozen” Admit to Causing Arctic Chill

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The makers of the movie Frozen, Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee, admitted on Wednesday that they are responsible for the chilling temperatures that have gripped Central and East U.S.

“It has been the best marketing campaign for the movie so far,” said Buck. “Downloads on Amazon and Netflix have more than tripled since the negative temperatures hit the nation.”

Mr. Buck and Ms. Lee came up with the idea ever since the Sony hack executed personally by Mr. Kim Jong-un (with his left hand, while he dribbled a basketball with his right) more than tripled the downloads of the controversial movie The Interview.

“Mr. Kim, who I have been told is actually a secret fan of The Interview because it allowed him to ‘come out’ to the world with the little known fact that he does not have an ass-hole,” said Jennifer Lee, “had come up with the ingenious promotion idea while also doing multivariate-calculus and composing love poetry in his head. He, in his infinite wisdom, saw clearly that banning the movie from theaters would in fact cause even those who never intended to see it to actually do their darndest and pay good money for a download.”

“We watched, and learned,” she said. “Promotion campaigns are everything. Hell, even someone like Marco Rubio could get elected in office after his campaign managers played Waterworld for a week on all public channels in Florida.”

“So, our special effects people got to work. A few more carbon emissions here, some deforestation in the Amazon, a few more Republicans in Congress to vote against the environment, and we now have the Arctic chill that’s done miracles for our cute little Andersen fairy tale.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

George Bush Gets Free Installation of Fiber at His Home

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An excited George W. Bush told the press today that he had gotten the deal of his life on an installation of fiber-optic internet and cable at his ranch in Texas.

“It was hard to believe,” he told us. “Cable companies charge an arm and a leg, and I got a top-of-the-line fiber opticals completely free!”

Mr. Bush got the amazing deal by chance. He was coming home after a round of golf, when he noticed through the window of his limo that the Secret Service detail guarding his ranch were holding three men at gunpoint.

“They were kinda short and thin,” recalled Bush. “I thought they were Chinese, because they looked Chinese.”

His curiosity peaked, Bush asked his driver to stop, and rolled down his window.

“These three Koreans were driving too close to the ranch, Sir. We stopped them for a check,” his Secret Service detail told him.

“They were just three real nerdy guys, big glasses and everything” Bush told us. “Secret Service checked them for weapons – that’s their job. Watcha doin’ here, I asked. They said, they been drivin’ and got lost. Lookin’ for a bar for some drinks. So, I said, let’s take these guys in, show them Texan hospitality.”

The Secret Service apparently protested, but the former President insisted and got his wish.

“Turned out they were Engineers!” exclaimed Bush. “Smart folks. From some real good school in the North part of their country. Never heard of it.”

Our reporters had been told by an anonymous source that the three Koreans were actually not legally in the country.

“Yeah!” Bush laughed, recalling. “We got tough tourist policies. They couldn’t get visa, So, they got in from Mexico. Just wanted to drive round and tour our great country.”

And that’s when Mr. Bush got his unexpected deal.

“They looked at them outlets and switches in my ranch and said wiring needs an upgrade. There’s new stuff out there, they said, fiber opticals and what not.”

“I told them, tell me what’s hot and I’ll get someone to put it in,” said Bush, “and they said they’d do it for me! For free! They had cables and boxes in their car.”

“How much, I said? And they just went, you are a cool guy Comrade Bush. It would be our honor to do this for you for free.”

The small crew worked for several hours in Mr. Bush’ ranch, drilling, pulling cables through. When they were done, the former President had gotten the best fiber installation of any ranch in Texas.

“Internet is super fast now!” announced a smiling Mr. Bush. “Cable TV is what they called ‘Sony Pictures quality’. They even put in proactive monitoring. Anything goes wrong, they’ll get an alert all the way back there in Korea, and they’ll fix the problem.”

“What can I say,” said Bush. “I got the deal of my life!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.