Paul Ryan Opens Up About Principles

On Thursday, June 21, Paul Davis Ryan Jr., the departing 54th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, unexpectedly opened up, letting the world know that he has secretly and silently harbored principles that he had never previously shared with anyone, including those closest to him.

“That is right,” he confirmed. “The time has come for me to come clean. I cannot hide this any longer.”

It was not immediately clear what principles he was referring to, but more specifics, Ryan alluded, could be shared at some unspecified future time, when he was “ready”.

The sudden admission left his fellow politicians confused and upset. Ryan, already 48 years old, had been elected as a Speaker of the Republican-controlled House precisely for his obvious and outspoken lack of principles.

“Had we known this previously,” stated stone-faced Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell (“Mitch”) McConnell Jr., “we would clearly not have elected the double-faced liar to lead the House.”

Ryan’s wife, Janna Ryan, wept as she held their three children Samuel, Charles and Elizabeth.

“How could he do this to us?” she kept saying. “How could he? He seemed so perfectly heartless, so perfectly hypocritical. He had been acting a part all along.”

There are no words to express the shock and sadness of so many, who had admired Ryan for his lack of moral compass and even basic compassion. Only time would tell how those deep wounds would be healed.

Source: Paul Ryan Has Sacrificed the Rest of His Principles (Bloomberg)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

Trump Responds to Climate Change Report

On Monday, the Government Accountability Office (GAO), a non-partisan organization which provides pertinent unbiased information to U.S. Congress, released an alarming report** sharing the most recent compiled data on the grave threat that climate change poses to the U.S. and the world.

Events such as more powerful hurricanes caused by rising ocean temperatures, or more devastating wildfires due to more pronounced droughts, have cost the U.S. alone more than $350 billion over the last decade.

GAO urged president Trump to take immediate action and “craft appropriate federal responses” to such potential catastrophic scenarios.

President Trump remained presidential upon hearing of the report. He put his index fingers into both of his ears, and sang loudly “la la la”.

Fox News## was quick to inform their readers that, once again, president Trump has provided “the most appropriate response” to the issue posed in front of him.

“True leadership,” stated Fox News, “unlike the president that came before him”, failing to name president Obama by name, and condemning Obama’s creation of the Environmental Protection Agency Clean Power Plan and his steadfast participation in the Paris Climate Accord, actions that president Trump has worked very hard to reverse, joining the only two other countries in the world who are not part of that accord, Nicaragua and Syria.

** Source: Government Report Calls on Trump to Act on Climate Change (CNN)
## Fox News Documentary (strongly recommended)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Donald Trump to Build Wall Inside United States Capitol

It is no secret that presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump has not been particularly popular neither amongst the members of his own party, nor amongst their Democratic counterparts in Congress. Yet, he appeared to not be concerned at all of that fact in our Wednesday interview.

“That’s ok folks,” he downplayed the opposition he was facing. “That’s ok. Because, you know what? When we win this election – and we will win it, mark my words, we will win it – we will build a wall. We will build a wall in the middle of Congress. And it will be a tremendous wall.”

We asked Mr. Trump to explain the purpose of his new wall.

“It’s very simple,” explained the presumptive Republican nominee. “Those who disagree will be on one side. And those who agree – and there will be many, folks, believe me, there will be hundreds, maybe thousands Congressmen who will agree with me, we are the majority, we care about this country – those who agree will stand on the other side with me. And we will work together. We will be the best team America ever had. We will work together to make this country great again.”

Asked about the rationale behind his unprecedented idea, Mr. Trump offered an explanation.

“Look,” he said. “When Democrats, or establishment Republicans – which, by the way, is the same thing, really, it’s the same thing, especially when they are Latinos – when these people send anyone to Congress, they are not sending their best. They are sending people that have lots of problems. They are bringing drugs. They are bringing crime. They are rapists. And some, I assume, may be good people.”

We reminded Mr. Trump that Congress has been lawfully elected to represent the people of America, and that it is more in need of unity than of more divisive measures which would only render it even more ineffective and impotent.

“The wall just got 6 feet higher,” warned Trump.

We had to end the interview early out of concern that if his wall were to grow even a bit more, it could cause structural damage to the United State Capitol, which, among other things, is a historical monument.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: Democrats Distracting Americans from the Most Relevant Issues

McConnell Discovers Missing Text in Constitution

Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell today announced that he has discovered provisions that had been hand-written in the original version of the U.S. Constitution drafted by the Founding Fathers. To his shock and amazement, these provisions have been (intentionally or unintentionally) omitted in later published versions of the Constitution, depriving the American people from applying the Constitution as it was originally intended.

The newly discovered provisions were listed in Article II, Section, 2, Clause 2, which is commonly known as the “Appointments Clause”.

The current published version of the Appointments Clause of the U.S. Constitution reads as follows:

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

Looking through “old, historic texts dating back to our founding fathers”, McConnell discovered small but critical differences in the text. Those differences, McConnell claims, are important to point out, since they were clearly the intent of the Founding Fathers.

The newly identified text reads as follows. (The small differences with current versions are highlighted to allow for easier interpretation.)

He (the President) shall have the Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, to make Treaties, provided the NRA and two-thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the NRA and the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Councils, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the NRA and Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments.

 

McConnell has stated that he intends to do everything possible to ensure that this originally intended version of the U.S Constitution is the one used as the Law of the Land.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Congress to be Replaced by Robots by 2025

In an exciting new development, the President of the United States, Barack Obama, today announced an innovative new plan to replace Congress with mechanical robots by 2025.

“Let me be clear about this,” the President stated. “We are not getting rid of Congress. Congressmen and Congresswomen will continue to exist on the books, and they will continue to collect their paychecks,” he clarified to the relief of all Government employees listening.

“In recognition, however, that for the past many decades Congress has voted exclusively along party lines, it is obvious that there is no actual benefit of having humans do the voting,” pointed out the President. “Why burden existing Congressfolks with a tiresome duty that a simple mechanical device can perform?”

“Voting will be done quickly and efficiently by robots,” continued Obama. “These robots will physically occupy the seats of the chamber day and night, weekdays and weekends. They will not have to take breaks or go home.”

The President acknowledged, however, that despite the increased efficiency, he did not expect for Congress to accomplish much more than they get accomplished today.

“We are not naïve,” he said. “We will continue to be in the same gridlock as we have been up to until now, with no chances of getting past it. This gridlock will continue to completely ignore the needs of the American people, which appears to have been the main accomplishment of the current Congress.”

“But,” he said, “at least one important result will be achieved. This gridlock will finally cease to waste the time of the participants in it, who have been most unhappy about the time they have had to put in during their working hours.”

“While the critical issues this country is facing will continue to remain unresolved,” admitted the President, “it will only be the American People who will suffer. Congress, who doesn’t care and has never cared about the American people anyway, will be relieved of their unnecessary burden, so they can enjoy the time they are getting paid for by playing golf or watching NASCAR racing.”

The plans had already been drafted by a bipartisan committee, and experts have determined that devices with approximately half a megabyte of memory should suffice to perform all duties currently performed by human Congressfolks.

In a rare show of unanimous agreement, both Democrats and Republicans have pledged full support for the President’s proposal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

Ted Cruz: Obamacare Responsible for Droughts, Tornadoes, Earthquakes

Speaking from Florida, where he has been traveling on business, Junior United States Senator and Presidential Candidate from Texas Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz today announced that the signature health law of the Obama Administration popularly known as “Obamacare” has been found responsible for recent severe droughts, tornadoes and earthquakes both in the U.S. and abroad.

“We were surprised too, though not too surprised, if you know what I mean,” said Mr. Cruz. “We knew from the start this law was bad news. But we didn’t even imagine how bad exactly.”

What evidence was considered in arriving at that conclusion?

“We looked at correlation data,” explained Cruz. “We see a steady increase of natural calamities as millions and millions of people have been signing up for this abomination of a law.”

“Droughts in California, floods in Texas, earthquakes in Nepal,” he named a few examples.

What action would the Presidential candidate suggest?

“Repeal the law, of course,” said the Senate Republican. “We can no longer afford to take chances. We have to save the planet, or we might otherwise face global extinction.”

How does the new conclusion fit with the recent Republican-dominated congressional vote that climate change is not man-made?

“Where did that question come from?” asked Cruz, glancing in the direction of his team of advisors. “We are not discussing whether that thing is man-made right now,” he said, carefully avoiding the words he is not allowed to say while in Florida. “We are talking about Obamacare, which is responsible for multiple natural disasters that have been happening in the U.S. and abroad.”

Exactly.

Mr. Cruz just waved at his team.

“Can we get a different journalist, please? This one is broken.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

Photo credited to Jonathan Ernst, Reuters

Republican dominated U.S. Senate today voted 50-49 to reject the previously accepted notion that the speed of light in vacuum is a constant independent of the speed of the observer. This fact was the foundation on which known scientist Albert Einstein built his revolutionary Theory of Relativity.

“Well, look,” said Senator James Mountain “Jim” Inhofe, a senior Republican senator from Oklahoma, “just because someone thinks that light moves at a constant speed in vacuum or anywhere else doesn’t really mean that’s true. People make things up, you know.”

“Besides,” he added, “if you ask me, light doesn’t really move. I’ve got light at home, and I can turn it on or off, but that’s about all you can do with it.”

Scientists have measured the speed of light and have been confirming Einstein’s Theory for decades, both theoretically and experimentally. A lot of these measurements constitute standard part of Physics curricula in academic institutions. None of this data, however, was admissible evidence during the Senate vote.

“Let’s not twist the truth here,” said Senator Inhofe. “We did consider what they called ‘evidence’. You know what the evidence was? Pages of pages of squiggly letters. They weren’t even English. My three-year-old can make up ‘evidence’ like that.”

“I think,” he said, “these so-called ‘scientists’ probably thought we would look at that gibberish, and decide that they are really, really smart, so, we would trust them. Well, guess what? We are not that stupid.”

What will be the next steps after this historic vote?

“The logical next step would be to take all that light garbage out of our kids’ education, who can then concentrate on studying The Book.”

“Oh, and of course, cut all funds for Physics research, and give this taxpayer money to oil companies and the NRA, where these funds are desperately needed.”

Reference: http://popist.com/s/cb5702e/

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Senate Republicans Unhappy About Delays to Destroy Planet Earth

Senate Republicans expressed outrage today to further delays along the road to destruction of Planet Earth.

“The new rules and regulations of fracking take us one step further from that eventual goal,” said Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell Jr.

Why is fracking so important?

“It’s the first step,” shared Mr. McConnell. “First, you poison the underground water. Then, you deplete the fresh water. The air quality will degrade as well.“

“The fractured rock will eventually yield and we will see increased seismic activity, as we have already demonstrated in the past” he continued to explain. “Violent earthquakes will hopefully be followed by tsunami, if planned right.”

“We have put a lot of thought into this. All angles have been carefully considered and we have been on a tight schedule towards the destruction of Planet Earth.”

Recently, however, there have been some setbacks.

“There are people in our Government,” McConnell said without naming names, “who don’t care at all about the destruction of the Earth. They have, in fact, pushed for regulations that deter our progress in this direction.”

“We will fight with everything we have to continue on the path of complete destruction that we have been working so hard to achieve.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Obama Misspells Word in Email Draft

Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner went public today with the shocking news that the current President of the United States Mr. Barrack Obama had misspelled a word in a draft of a personal email.

“I have ordered an exhaustive investigation,” shared Boehner. “We will get to the bottom of this and determine the full extent of the fault of our current President.”

The alleged misspelling occurred in a draft of an email the President was planning to send to a close personal friend. Specifically, the possessive “its” had been misspelled as the abbreviated “it’s”. The Speaker of the House Mr. Boehner discovered the error while combing through thousands of emails Obama had released for scrutiny and review. Mr. Boehner had spent the last 6 months reviewing emails, spending sometimes as much as ten hours per day.

“It was a long and arduous task,” said Boehner. “But when it finally paid off, I almost jumped out of my seat. There it was! A misspelling!”

What is the significance of his find?

“This type of error is unacceptable, inexcusable and unforgivable,” said Boehner, vowing to spare no expense to make sure the truth of the misspelling comes out.

We asked Mr. Boehner whether anyone else from his party has ever misspelled a word.

“Let’s not get off topic here,” said Boehner. “This discussion is about the misspellings of Obama, and I will not let it digress into a discussion regarding other people.”

So, he himself has never misspelled anything?

“I don’t write,” said Boehner, closing the issue once and for all.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Speaker of the House John Boehner Invites Al Qaeda Spokesman to Address Congress

In an unprecedented show of solidarity, and emboldened by the new Republican majority in both chambers of Congress, Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner announced that he has arranged for Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn to address Congress on the issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage and Gun Rights.

“Yes, we do have our differences,” admitted Mr. Boehner. “We do not agree with their hatred of the West. They do not agree with our interference in their genocide operations. But overall, we share one important common value – we both believe in crippling our current President Barrack Obama in all his undertakings over the last two years of his presidency.”

Mr. Boehner went behind the president’s back to negotiate secretly with Mr. Gadahn, an American-born convert to radical Islam, so he could help undermine the President’s progressive policies on these key Republican issues.

“On the issue of Abortion, we both agree that women have to obey what conservative men like myself tell them to do,” said Boehner. “Giving women a choice means they could choose to disobey men. Frankly, we are jealous of the success with which Extremist groups like Al Qaeda have enjoyed in controlling their women.”

“Gay marriage would not have been a problem if there were no homosexuals in this country,” said Boehner. “Unfortunately, this is not the case here, because, unlike areas where Al Qaeda has control, we have failed to eliminate individuals displaying homosexual tendencies.”

“And finally, Gun rights,” he said. “No one can explain the critical importance of owning large stockpiles of powerful weapons than someone who uses such weapons to cause mass casualties.”

Mr. Gadahn, who has not visited the United States ever since he defected in 1995 at the age of 17 expressed his excitement and anticipation of the upcoming visit. He has been trying on different fits of suicide vests with an eye for low detectability, better comfort and maximum radius of destruction.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.