Paul Ryan Opens Up About Principles

On Thursday, June 21, Paul Davis Ryan Jr., the departing 54th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, unexpectedly opened up, letting the world know that he has secretly and silently harbored principles that he had never previously shared with anyone, including those closest to him.

“That is right,” he confirmed. “The time has come for me to come clean. I cannot hide this any longer.”

It was not immediately clear what principles he was referring to, but more specifics, Ryan alluded, could be shared at some unspecified future time, when he was “ready”.

The sudden admission left his fellow politicians confused and upset. Ryan, already 48 years old, had been elected as a Speaker of the Republican-controlled House precisely for his obvious and outspoken lack of principles.

“Had we known this previously,” stated stone-faced Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell (“Mitch”) McConnell Jr., “we would clearly not have elected the double-faced liar to lead the House.”

Ryan’s wife, Janna Ryan, wept as she held their three children Samuel, Charles and Elizabeth.

“How could he do this to us?” she kept saying. “How could he? He seemed so perfectly heartless, so perfectly hypocritical. He had been acting a part all along.”

There are no words to express the shock and sadness of so many, who had admired Ryan for his lack of moral compass and even basic compassion. Only time would tell how those deep wounds would be healed.

Source: Paul Ryan Has Sacrificed the Rest of His Principles (Bloomberg)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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White House Jokes Lightheartedly About John McCain

Earlier this week, following Senator John McCain opposition of president Trumps CIA nominee Gina Haspel, White House aide Kelly Sadler took a lighthearted approach.

“He is dying anyway,” she joked* (see source).

A good number of White House employees exploded in laughter at her witty humor.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders could barely speak from her giggles as tears streamed from her eyes.

“And he… he…” she kept saying, trying to build on Sadler’s joke, “he is in a lot of pain! He is going to die in pain!” She was holding on her stomach, bent over from her laughing fit.

President Trump brushed aside at the general uplifted spirit on his staff.

“They are just having fun!” he said. “They work very, very hard every day. They deserve to have some time to laugh and enjoy the terrific news about that captured loser John McCain, who won’t be around for too much longer.”

The White House, Trump said, has been in a constant state of laughter ever since he was elected President.

*Source: White House Aide Jokes About Dying McCain (CNN)

Source: White House Refuses to Apologize for Kelly Sadler Joke about McCain (NY Times)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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Author’s note: Satire can showcase human follies, but nothing, NOTHING can do justice in showcasing the sickness and degradation of this administration. Mr. McCain, you are a hero, Sir. You are what makes America great.

Trump’s Legal Team and Their Duties

Recent news had suggested that president Donald J. Trump is having a difficult time finding talented American lawyers to represent him in various matters related to his life before and after he was elected president.

Today, Mr. Trump let us know via a tweet that this is a “vicious lie” and “fabrication” made up by the “fake news media”, a term he frequently uses to refer to anyone who is not Fox News.

Specifically, Mr. Trump pointed to two top American lawyers who will be representing him as follows.

American lawyer Genadiy “Jay” Sekulow will be representing president Trump with any matter related to Russia. This includes matters related to Mueller’s Russia Probe, as well as other unspecified “private” matters that are, according to Mr. Trump, “of personal nature”. Mr. Sekulow will be working closely with several other not very well-known but otherwise very talented American lawyers such as Dmitriy “Dale” Poddelkin, Igor “Irwin” Ljetzov and Natasha “Nancy” Pokrivalova.

Recent addition to Donald Trump’s legal team is American politician and lawyer Roberto “Rudy” Giuliani. On the books, Giuliani will be handling a variety of legal issues for Mr. Trump. In reality, however, he had been hired to deal with some unspecified “business” related to “taxes” and “friends” that Mr. Trump has been having dealing with in a small Mediterranean country. Mr. Giuliani’s counsel includes American lawyers Marco “Mitch” Crimini, Angelo “Andy” Nasconde, and Luka “Larry” Teppista.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Roy Moore Denies Accusations

Late at night on election Tuesday, 12/12, Republican Senate hopeful Roy Stewart Moore addressed his cheering supporters and firmly denied accusations that he had lost the election to Democratic candidate Doug Jones.

“These allegations are completely false,” Moore stated on national TV.  “I did not lose this election. I never lost anything. These allegations are false.”

Mr. Moore further stated that the timing of the statement that he lost the election, exactly on election day and right after the votes were counted, is too politically convenient to be true.

“If I had really lost the election,” he said, “why didn’t they say that 30 years earlier? Why are they saying I lost the election exactly today, after the counting the votes?”

According to Mr. Moore, the statement that he lost the election is a last-ditch effort of Democrats to stop him from winning.

“It is politically motivated,” he said. “I see no other reason why they would be saying this. This is a vicious, politically-motivated lie.”

President Trump promptly threw his support behind the Republican candidate as soon as the election results became public, saying that he believed Mr. Moore when the latter claimed he did not lose the election.

“Look, he denies it,” said Trump. “He denies it. He says he did not lose. You have to look at it from his point of view too.”

Source: Roy Moore Denies Misconduct Allegations [Fox News]

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Roy Moore to Sponsor Female Teen Incarcerations

Alabama Republican hopeful Roy Moore announced that he is launching an urgent initiative that encourages female teens to commit minor crimes and further assists the Alabama judicial system with their quick incarceration.

“Female teens of 14-16 years of age desperately need the experiences that a co-ed Alabama prison can offer,” stated Moore. “Alabama has not been doing enough to facilitate those kinds of experiences.”

Mr. Moore made it very clear that he has no interest in discriminating against teens on the basis of race.

“My Republican colleagues have typically sponsored programs that help Black teens get into prison,” he said. “I, personally, don’t support that at this exact moment in time. I believe that blond or brunette Caucasian females need the prison experience just as much as teens of other races and backgrounds.”

While Mr. Moore acknowledges that the timing of his initiative may not be ideal, he believes that late is better than never.

“There will be those who try to link my initiative to recent false accusations made by non-Fox-News media,” he said. “These accusations have been nothing but politically motivated lies.”

Moore insisted that his initiative is urgent for completely unrelated reasons, and that he does not expect to be sent to the same exact prison where newly incarcerated female teens may start to be sent soon after.

“I am innocent,” he stated. “Still, one never knows about these things. Life if full of unpredictability.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

 

Trump, Duterte Discuss Human Rights

U.S. President Donald John Trump and Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte had been able to briefly discuss the difficult subject of human rights according to a source close to Duterte.

Specifically, President Duterte had brought up his grave concerns about human rights violations in the U.S. committed by racist White cops who shoot and kill unarmed Black teenagers who have not been resisting arrest, White Christian males depriving women of their right to make decisions for their own bodies, entire news networks conspiring to defend and promote child molesters and helping them get elected to Congress, such as, for example, Fox News currently promoting child molester Roy Moore of Alabama, or the very basic right of Americans to peacefully raise awareness of racist issues by kneeling during the National Anthem at football games.

Such violations, Duterte stated during their meeting, are unacceptable in a civilized society.

A spokesman or Duterte stated that Trump “appeared sympathetic and did not have any official position on the matter but was merely nodding his head.”**

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Trump Acknowledges Melania

In a rare indication of how deeply caring and attentive current U.S. president Donald J. Trump is as it comes to his third and most current wife Melania Vladimirovich Knauss Trump, Mr. Trump let out an unexpected lament as he spoke to victims of Hurricane Irma during his visit of Fort Myers, Florida.

“I just want to thank everybody, the first responders, on behalf of myself, our Vice President—Melania really wanted to be with us,**” he told the tiny crowd, as his wife Melania stood right next to him, slightly to the left, and wearing a white baseball cap.

The president had gone to Fort Myers as part of his weekly golfing schedule, and his thoughtful and considerate Vice President Michael Richard “Mike” Pence had hastily arranged for a small hired crowd to gather and meet Mr. Trump for a paid photo op.

An unnamed source had informed us that Melania had gently and lovingly addressed her husband after his improvised speech and reminded him of her presence there.

“You look familiar,” the source quotes the President’s response to his wife. “You must be one of my big fans.”

A different unnamed source had then witnessed the Vice President pull Trump to the side and remind him that the person who had just talked to him is his wife.

“Melanoma knows she is my wife,” the President had responded. “My lawyers have told her that many times.”

“Let’s make America great again, Volodya,” Trump had told his V.P., changing the topic and calling Mr. Pence an unfamiliar nickname. “Let’s make sure my approval rating goes above 100%.”

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** Indicates real quote. Source: Trump Forgets Melania Standing Right Next to Him

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Manafort Charged, the Details

Monday morning started with some unusual news, Fox News reported. Paul John Manafort Jr., the well known campaign manager of the campaign of now President Donald J. Trump, had been charged with some minor violations.

“Parking Near a Fire Hydrant, Other Charges**”, reported Fox in order of seriousness of the violations.

Mr. Manafort, who, as a lawyer, has been known to be absolutely perfect in following and respecting the laws to the letter, whether they are Federal, State or even just neighborhood laws. Fox News expressed their genuine surprise that Mr. Manafort would ever do anything as serious as parking incorrectly. They, as well as all their sponsors, have spent the morning scratching their heads to find an explanation.

“We are still looking for answers,” said Fox News talk show host Sean Patrick Hannity, who is known to be the most fair and unbiased of all talk show hosts in the entire history of the news industry. “I know it, deep inside my heart, just as I know that there is no such thing as Global Warming, that Mr. Manafort is innocent. There has got to be a good explanation why he parked incorrectly. If, indeed he did,” he added. “This may all be one big left-wing conspiracy.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

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Author’s Note: This article aims to ridicule the blatantly misleading headline that Fox News published on their front page on Monday Morning: “Manafort Charged with Money Laundering, Other Charges”

** “Other Charges” included the charge of Conspiracy Against the U.S.

Mueller Facing New Pressure to Resign

Senate Republicans have renewed their call for FBI special counsel Robert Mueller to resign after new emerging evidence has surfaced that his investigation of the collusion that the current U.S. administration had committed with the Russian government in order to get themselves elected may have started to get results.

“We can’t have him uncover the truth,” stated Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “The American People don’t want that to happen. We will work hard to make sure that this will not happen.”

He shared that he had been hoping that Mr. Mueller would have the desired incompetence to not be able to move this investigation forward, or, alternatively, the decency and integrity to stall, undermine and ultimately prevent this investigation, so that the treason committed by the current administration remains covered up.

President Trump also joined the renewed attack on Mueller.

“There is nothing to uncover,” he stated on national television. “So, why is he uncovering it? He should resign.”

He added that he has been looking into ways to fire Mueller, just like he fired former FBI director James Comey, who had also been working on uncovering the treason of Trump’s administration, but other government officials, including some of his own party, have not been allowing that to happen.

“It’s a rigged system,” he told the American people. “My own party is sabotaging me. Sad. They don’t care if I go to prison for my crimes.”

“I should fire him,” he added. “I should fire all of them. And then I’ll pardon myself. I’m working on that.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

O’Reilly: God Made Me Do It

This Monday, disgraced TV host Bill O’Reilly, who was ousted by Fox News in April because of sexual harassment he had committed towards a fellow Fox News colleague, had a rare moment of honest self-reflection and understanding of blame.

“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said** on the latest episode of his web series, ironically named “No Spin News.” “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

[** Read source article with this quote and more on CNN Money]

God, explained O’Reilly, was single-handedly responsible for the criminal act of sexual harassment which he, Bill, committed towards Lis Wiehl, a long-time legal analyst at Fox.

“Who else?” asked O’Reilly the rhetorical question. “I only do what God tells me to do, nothing else. So, the blame for anything I commit falls squarely on Him. There is no question about it.”

He went on to explain in great detail how exactly God had instructed him to commit the criminal act, down to the very fine details of what exactly, he, Bill, should be doing to his Fox colleague, and in what manner.

“I expected,” O’Reilly said, “that God would then take responsibility and step in to explain that it was really Him who instructed me to do this.”

Instead, he was disappointed when God did not in any way, shape or form do that.

“Disappointed and angry,” said O’Reilly. “And justifiable so. God made me do it, but I am the one who has to face the (financial) consequences. I hope, and, indeed, even pray, that after the most recent settlement of $32 million I paid, God would do the right thing, and send me a re-reimbursement check.”

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Source: Bill O’Reilly ‘mad at God’ over sexual misconduct allegations (CNN)

** This is a real quote which you can read about in this CNN article or, alternatively, watch it with your own eyes in O’Reilly’s new show, really very, very ironically, and completely inaccurately named “No Spin News”.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.