Ku Klux Klan Document Reveals Penis Envy to be the Main Reason for Klan

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William and Madison Bailey were in for the surprise of their lives when a condemned house they just purchased in Pulaski, Tennessee was found to contain a cache of old Ku Klux Klan documents dating back to 1864 behind a secret double wall.

The documents seemed to have been written by General George W. Gordon, a Civil War general who practiced law in Pulaski and is considered by many to be the group’s spiritual founder, writing its “Precept”, or constitution, which conceptualized the group’s goals and principles.

Among multiple work-in-progress drafts of the Precept itself, several notebooks were found that appear to have been used by Gordon as a journal or diary. These contain the most valuable information revealing Mr. Gordon’s thoughts and feelings related to the formation of the Klan.

One passage describes Gordon’s moment of “awakening” when he saw a Black man urinate in the bushes.

“That [man’s] penis was so large,” he wrote, “extending more than 6 inches in its flaccid state, that my head began to spin. I compared it to my normal 2.5 inch [penis], which, I know, is the normal size for a man, and it dawned on me that maybe all [Black men] have penises so abnormally large.”

Gordon then made it a goal to find out if his suspicion was true. He followed Black men, drilled peek-holes in the wooden walls of outhouses, and soon had enough visual data that confirmed his theory.

“What I feared most is true,” he wrote in the summer of 1865. “All [Black men] have enormous penises. I have not found even one to be of normal size like mine.”

He shared his discovery with General Nathan Bedford Forrest, a lieutenant general of the Confederate Army who later became the group’s first official leader. Mr. Forrest apparently replied:

“F*ck that sh*t. We gotta put a stop to that.”

That summer, George W. Gordon started to dream of a nation where everyone’s penis was normal size.

“I looked around for a group of like-minded people, and the small and loosely managed KKK founded by a group of veterans of the Confederate army seemed to show most promise,” he wrote.

In 1866, he arranged for a group activity. All existing KKK members would stand in a circle, and urinate together. This, he claims, was the defining moment of the group. This was when he told everyone of the size of Black men’s penises. He found immediate understanding in the group of normal-sized-penises men like himself.

In 1867, the group pledged allegiance to Gordon’s Precept. Their official chapter mandated that only white men were allowed to join the group, but unofficially, there was an additional secret penis-size check for all applicants to ensure that no individuals with “abnormally large” penises would be admitted.

Later that year, following the revelation that some white men did in fact have what he called “Black-sized” penises, the group swore under penalty of death that while the secret penis-check would continue to be an admission requirement, no member would ever mention or write about penises in public, and would instead focus on a message of hatred and intolerance towards Black men.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Chess Player Suspended for Hitting His Fiancée

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The United States Chess Federation is suspending its long time favorite star player Shawn “The Pawn” Douglas for punching his fiancée in the shoulder with his fist. Douglas’ violent act was recorded on a security camera in the parking lot of Pottery Barn, where the couple had been shopping for what they referred to as “elegant dinnerware”.

“We had come here to get a set of new wine glasses, silk cloth napkins, and ivory napkin rings,” Douglas’ fiancée told reporters.

““We love this store,” chimed in Douglas. “We look for simplicity and style when it comes to household items.”

The couple stood side by side, holding hands. Yet, behavioral experts analyzing the recorded video of their interview swear by their honesty that they sense tension and uneasiness between the two.

“How can there not be discomfort,” said relationship expert Sean Rice. “An act of battery took place. Who knows how often this happens in their household.”

Douglas has declined to comment in light of possible charges that may be pressed against him.

Douglas’ fiancée, Michael Gerard Tyson, a nine-time world heavy-weight champion of professional boxing was similarly silent. Legal experts believe that he may have been advised to refrain from commenting until the inevitable punch-line starts to show.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

“Interstellar” to be Pulled Out of Cinemas in Developed Countries

Interstellar

Government officials of developed countries unanimously voted to ban the showing of the popular blockbuster “Interstellar” to audiences in these countries.

“This film offends viewers who believe in the Fundamental Laws of Classical Physics,” said Dusseldorf Schwartz, an official representing the developed nation of Germany.

“If you are a viewer, who holds sacred the notion that every two objects experience a mutual gravitational attraction proportional to their masses, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them, you may be rightfully upset and outraged when you see, for example, the ship of Matthew McConaughey (a.k.a. Cooper) drifting near Saturn along a trajectory that is anything but elliptical. I mean, there is even a particular moment where you see its path there exhibit clear asymptotic behavior, more becoming of light near the event horizon of the black hole than resembling the inverse quadratic curve that it should be following near Saturn.”

The creators of the popular movie stood behind their choices. “Yes, we have made certain creative decisions to enhance viewer impact,” movie director Christopher Nolan admitted. “We have done so artistically, and with taste.”

American viewer Amanda Jones disagreed. “I don’t want my future children, should I ever have a chance to find a boyfriend, and should he ever consider marrying me, and should we be able to procreate, to see a film where the Laws of Physics are represented in a twisted and inaccurate way. This movie is offensive to the extreme.”

This has not stopped third world nations from allowing the movie to play in their theaters without constraints. “It’s a pleasure to watch,” said 13 year old Sameer Gupta. “I loved the special effects in the 3D IMAX version. I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

Sameer’s parents Rajeet and Sumaia Gupta were also supportive of their son’s decision to see the movie. “Why shouldn’t we let him? Other kids his age have seen it. They talk about it in school. Our son should enjoy the same movies other children his age watch.”

American scientist Albert Newton was not amused. “There are many unenlightened ignorants in other countries,” he said. “As much as we have tried to teach them the Universal notions of our Physical Sciences, they remain as uneducated and backward as they have ever been. It is our responsibility that here, in America, we do not allow audiences to be exposed to inaccurate unscientific ideas.”

Despite the ban, there have been reports of illegal downloads of the movie, most of which were traced to Concordia, Kanzas, where no one has heard of science.

Oldest Dinosaur Fossil Discovered under a Church in Salt Lake City Utah

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A 235 million-years-old fossil of a triceratops was accidentally found under the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City, UT, during planned work to re-enforce the foundation of this magnificent historic building.

“This did not happen,” announced Reverend Thomas Winterton. “No one has found anything this old, because nothing this old exists. Everyone knows that the world was created a little over 6000 years ago.”

“This being said,” said Winterton, “the construction crew working on the foundation of the church did find some bones.”

What kind of creature were these bones from?

“They said they are from some kind of a dinosaur.”

But dinosaurs went extinct on Earth some 65 million years ago?

“No, they didn’t. 65 million years ago, there weren’t any dinosaurs, because there was nothing at that time. The world was created 6000 years ago.”

So, you are saying that this dinosaur was a recent one?

“It must have been. If you think about it, there’s no other option. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, this creature must have lived later than that.”

Carbon analysis of the bones seems to indicate that they are 235 million years old.

“It must be wrong. The world didn’t exist 235 million years ago, since it was created only 6000 years ago.”

Are you saying that carbon decay is not a reliable way to judge age?

“What I am saying is that there’s obviously something wrong with that calculation. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, the analysis must have been done incorrectly.”

Carbon analysis was used to determine the age of the Shroud of Turin. Can we trust these findings?

“That’s different. In this case, the calculation matches our knowledge. It doesn’t contradict the notion that the world was created 6000 years ago. So, it must be correct.”

What is the importance of the find and how does it impact the church in whose foundation it was discovered?

“It’s a reminder from God that we should question everything that tests our faith and not take anything at face value, especially claims that contradict the notions that we already know to be universally true. Start with what you know, in this case, the undisputed fact that the world was created 6000 years ago, and you should be able to come up with the only logical conclusion that makes sense: nothing 235 million years old was found at the foundations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City.”

News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

Ferguson Police Chief Can’t Wait for Mockingjay II

An emotional Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson shared today that he could not wait a day longer to see the conclusion of the Hunger Games saga in the highly anticipated last installment of the series, Mockingjay II.

“The Hunger Games has been one of my most favorite movies of all time,” he confessed. “I can’t wait to find out how the story is going to end!”

What part of the story does he find most appealing?

“Well, you see, it’s a mirror image of our world,” he said. “There is the powerful Capitol, who has gone to great lengths to build a perfect society which functions as clockwork. And then, this bitch Katniss Everdeen appears, causes irreparable damage, and it’s up to the hero of the movie, President Snow, to restore peace and stability.”

“This is what I face every day with my job,” he added.

So, despite of being a die-hard fan, he has not yet read the books?

“I couldn’t possibly,” he said. “They are long, and have many complicated words. Why spend months, maybe years, trying to read a book, when you can see the entire story in two hours on a movie screen?”

So, he has resisted asking someone who has read the books about the ending?

“It’s not the job of a Police Chief to ask questions,” said Jackson. “We are trained from the very beginning of being hired to ignore any need for finding additional information about anything.”

“Besides,” he added, “I don’t know anyone who reads books.”

How does he think the story is going to end?

“I’m hoping for a happy ending!” he said with tears in his eyes. “I’m the kind of guy who always roots for the good guys! The Capitol must prevail! The rebels must be eradicated! The careful balance of that perfect world must be brought back to what it has always been!”

We wished Mr. Jackson best of luck.

Ferguson Cop Explains Reasons Behind Shooting

In a surprising turn of events, as soon as a grand jury voted to not indict Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson for his fatal shooting of Michael Brown, the veteran cop spoke out, revealing the reasons why he killed the unarmed Black teenager.

“It was a whimsically ingenious plan,” said Wilson. “You see, I have a cousin who’s stationed in Iraq. We got a word long time back that this year he won’t make it home for the holidays. You can imagine how disappointing this news was for our family. There hasn’t been a single Thanksgiving so far when he had not sat with us at the dinner table, lighting up the room with that open, friendly smile of his. So, we devised a plan!”

We asked what that plan was.

“It boiled down to this,” said Wilson. “One of us, don’t matter who, was going to shoot and kill some random Black kid. We’ve done this before, we know what would happen next. Them Black folks always riot when something like this happens. It happened this time too. It’s as reliable as clockwork.”

“We made sure that this time them Black folks were pretty pissed off. I mean, we had to do this real blunt – in broad daylight, with witnesses, with people filming the whole thing with their cell phones. And then, we’d let them know that no one would go to trial for that. That was going to piss them off plenty.”

How is this related to Wilson’s cousin?

“That was the hard part and it took some planning,” shared Wilson. “To keep the peace, they always bring in the National guard. By pissing off Black folks real bad, we made sure that this time we needed a lot more armed forces on the streets than usual.”

“This is where the connections of my Police Unit came in to help. They requested additional folks, and specifically, the unit of my cousin Clyde to be brought back home from Iraq as an emergency. This part didn’t’ even need to be an act. It’s a fucking war zone if you look around.”

“So, they brought him! Our little cousin Clyde was back here with us, all dressed up in war gear, fighting to restore law and order in his own hometown. Not only was he back, but he came back as a hero to save the day! He will be sitting with us at the dinner table this Thanksgiving too!” Wilson could not hide his happiness and pride.

We asked if the officer had any concerns about his plan not working.

“Well, there’s always that chance,” admitted Wilson. “Worst that could happen is that they sent someone else. That’s if some asshole out there in Iraq decided to be difficult. Luckily, this didn’t happen. We have good connections there, it all worked out.

Wasn’t Wilson concerned that he might get indicted?

“Are you kidding me?” laughed Wilson. “I’m a white cop, shooting a Black kid. When was the last time anyone got indicted under these circumstances?”

The decision was made by a jury. Was it not possible that the jury decided otherwise?

“You clearly don’t understand how things work down here in Missouri,” said Wilson, shaking his head. “Well, let me enlighten you by sharing this. I actually got a call from the jury early this morning. They apologized for the inconvenience.”

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Author’s Note:

I hope that your gut turned as you read this post. I hope you thought, this can’t be real. It isn’t. It’s a grossly exaggerated version of reality, but nevertheless, a reality that exists. This story may not be real, but racism is.

Everything published in News Sense News is 100% fake. That’s the concept of the blog; to be a satire that brings people’s attention to issues by doing the opposite of what sugar-coating does; making these issues visible via exaggeration.

But unlike the previous few (this is a new blog that started only last week) posts, this post tackles a darker subject. Being very new to online publishing, I was very much on the fence whether or not to post it. Yes, I did want to make a statement about the unfairness of the system that tolerates racism and even waves it at people’s faces, but was that the right format?

Maybe. Maybe not. Not everything in life is light and fun. Sooner or later, one sees the darker side.

This story does not aim to claim any specific outcome in the Ferguson case. As many have already duly noted, the law had spoken; we are a country of laws; now we need to figure out how to move forward in constructive ways, learning from the past for a better future.

Here is to the hope that some day, the world will live racism-free.

My heart goes out to Brown’s family, who, I can not even imagine how, will have to find the strength to live with the loss of their son. My deepest condolences.

Tom Cruise Unifies Gravity with Quantum Mechanics

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In a surprise revelation, today, Top Gun and Mission Impossible star Thomas Cruise Mapother IV announced that he has discovered the missing equation linking Gravity to Quantum Mechanics which scientists of the century have been struggling in vain to derive.

“I was surprised too,” the star confessed. “I was doodling on a paper napkin in my bunker, listening to the news for signs of the upcoming alien apocalypse, and the revelation came to me. I wrote it down. And then it hit me. This was something I didn’t want to have on paper! It was too dangerous. I tore the napkin into small pieces, burned the pieces, and scattered the ashes in the wind.”

He then hummed “Dust in the Wind” to himself.

We were slightly surprised by Tom’s actions. The action star looked at us suspiciously, and then warned us.

“I have this essential knowledge deep inside my head now. This is something mankind desperately needs. No harm of any kind should come to me, or this knowledge will be lost forever.”

We were curious how the famous action hero ended up in a position to make this critical discovery.

“Well, look, “ explained Cruise. “I spend a lot of time, you know – thinking. That’s how I know so much. Thinking makes you come up with things.”

What other things has Cruise been thinking about?

“True, Quartum Mechanics isn’t the only thing I think about,” admitted Cruise, slightly mispronouncing the term. “I mean, Quartums are important, but they are only part of the important things. There are other things, more important things, that are equally important, if not more, if you know what I mean.”

We wanted to know when, if at all, Mr. Cruise would reveal his discovery.

“When the time is right,” Cruise said. “And until then, I, alone, will be the keeper of this life-changing secret.”

Second Amendment Upheld in Texas

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Today, Texan High Court upheld the right of the American people to own weapons-grade Uranium at home.

“The Second Amendment is clear,” said Justice Neil Shelley. “Americans have the right to bear arms so they can protect themselves when their safety is threatened. The amendment does not in any way, shape or form specify what types of arms. It is therefore lawful for residents to own weapons-grade Uranium as a means of protection or deterrent.”

“Of course,” he added, “it may be unreasonable for a family to own a weapon that can obliterate more than, say, several city blocks. An average family of eight would likely, and hopefully, never need this kind of firepower. Still, should the need arise, a family should have access to weapons as powerful as they need.”

Wilhelm Wynacht a resident of Abilene, TX, applauded the decision too.

“This helps me sleep better at night,” he said. “Many may not know, but only several blocks from my house, there lives a man called Ahmet Hussein. I found this disturbing fact completely by chance, when I was passing near his mailbox. Without weapons-grade Uranium at home, what is to stop someone like him from strapping on a suicide vest and blowing himself up at my kids’ school?”

Asked if it’s possible that Mr Hussein may be American born and thus entitled to have access to the same stockpiles, Mr. Wynacht laughed.

“You are joking, right? What American would name his child Ahmet?”

His neighbors Adolph and Greta Hettler, both fifth generation Americans, nodded in agreement.

Glen Ashburn, a private investor in the American weapons industry also chimed in. “This is a decisive victory for Democracy,” he said. “It clears the way for families to purchase Uranium enrichment centrifuges for their basements and back yards, a freedom that many have fought hard to earn. Of course, there will be flexible payment plans.”

Asked why other countries are not allowed the same freedoms, Glen explained in simple terms. “Freedom is a prerogative only of civilized nations. They, alone, have the privilege of having decent, law-abiding citizens. You can’t give a weapon to someone who might use it to cause harm.”

Anti-gun advocacy groups have expressed concern that the new law may result in higher risk of accidental or even deliberate deaths due to detonations of make-shift nuclear devices or radiation exposure.

“Well, of course, risks exist, just as with anything else,” said an unidentified Government official, who insisted on remaining anonymous due to pending litigation for bribery and corruption. “You sell someone a pencil, and they could stick it in their eye. Where will we end up if we stop selling pencils to our people? Or, for that matter, if we stop selling?”

He declined to comment on an unrelated question involving a large deposit of money into an offshore account, since, technically, for tax purposes, he is not obligated to report it.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news, that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Kansas: The First State to Teach Correct Theory of Babies

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Today, the State of Kansas reported that they are removing from school curricula all material suggesting that babies are a result of sexual reproduction in favor of the more accurate theory that babies are being delivered by storks.

“Finally,” said Fiona Dogson, “the State has started to open its eyes to the Truth.”

“It is difficult to imagine that for so many years schools taught children that something as shameful and indecent as sex could result in the creation of a human being,” she added.

What prompted the sudden progressive move?

“It wasn’t as sudden as it should have been,” said Kanzas City resident Charles Doughwin, “even though, rationally speaking, there had never been a satisfactory scientific explanation how exactly sex might result in the creation of a baby.”

Professors of Biology at University of Kanzas also threw in their weight behind the new theory.

“There is a very clear statistical correlation between the number of storks and the number of babies,” explained Professor Gottlieb, Emeritus. “They are both on the rise in rural areas, and they are both on the decline in urban environments.”

“Additionally,” he added, “we have amassed significant number of documented cases, in which sex did not, I repeat, did not at all result in the creation of a human being.”

Asked if it is possible that birth control was used in any of these cases, Professor Gottlieb crossed himself, spit inside his shirt, and whispered “God, why would anyone even consider the idea? They’d be burning in hell for Eternity!”

“Let’s not forget!” joined in the Reverend Father Itziotis, “that there is also one, but in fact a very very important example of a human being that was not a result of sex. HE was, in fact, born as a result of immaculate conception! I know it, you know it, everyone in the world knows it. The Holy Book does not state, however, that he had not been brought in by a stork. This remains a clear possibility.”

“The stork theory is simple and logical,” jumped in to his help Martha Maddalena. “It offers answers, where science does not.”

The State of Kansas is proud to be the first state, where the correct theory of babies will finally be taught in schools so that our children are not misled by dogmatic scientific thinking.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Welcome to News Sense News!

I should probably start with a Disclaimer. This is a satirical blog with fake news which discusses non-existent events for the purposes of entertainment. Its goal is to ridicule and criticize ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As such, it may contain content that is not appropriate for all audiences. It also does not necessarily reflect the views of the author; though, naturally, it does suggest that the author believed that some audiences would find the content worthwhile to read or share. If any of the content offends anyone, I profusely apologize for the unfortunate experience.