The Enchanted Life of Alistair Newton

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On September 5th, 2014, Alistair Newton decided to give up his Atheist beliefs after failing a basic science class.

“I simply stopped questioning everything,” he told a small crowd of curious bystanders attracted by the shiny new camera of our news organization. “And when you have no basic understanding of the world, no explanation of how it functions, the only possible thing to do is stop believing that there is no God.”

Alistair’s profound change of beliefs came as the next step of his otherwise very peculiar life.

He was born in 1969, in a family of rocket scientists. To their great surprise, he immediately spoke. His first words were: “Boy, was this an awesome example of peristaltically-driven squeeze through a narrow elastic channel! Weird, and real tight, but it got me all the Lactobacillus I need. Thanks, Mom! You did an awesome job!”

Not only was Alistair born with a full ability to speak, but he could also read, write, and do multivariable calculus in his head.

Alas, this was the highest form of intellectual accomplishment he would ever achieve, because as soon as he was out of the womb, he started to retrogress. Year over year, he would lose some advanced form of analytical ability. By the age of five, he could no longer manipulate tensors in his head. By the age of ten, he had lost some of his line integration skills. By his mid-twenties, his trigonometry was disappearing at an exponential rate and he was reduced to only being able to do basic high-school algebra.

With the retrogression of his analytical skills came a corresponding retrogression of his belief system. As a kid, Alistair had been a strong proponent of equality and freedom. He respected people’s beliefs, and promoted a philosophy of tolerance and understanding. But as his ability to calculate molar ratios vanished, so did his belief that women should get equal pay at the workplace. As time went by, Alistair lost his understanding that skin color, religion, or sexual orientation are not indications of anyone being less human. While earlier in life he had seen his own Atheist beliefs as a logical, but not superior way of searching for transcendence, by his late 30s he had started to develop distinct hatred towards Muslims and Jews based on his own growing sense of superiority.

His own knowledge and understanding of the world continued to shrink. One day, concerned that he could no longer understand the idea of Gravity, he decided to take a science class at a community college, so he could restore his disappering knowledge.

He took one, and he failed it. He came out of his final exam, lightheaded, confused, and said: “I don’t get it. If the Earth is indeed round like some claim, why don’t people fall off at the other side?”

“There is only one explanation,” he said. “The Earth is not actually round. This is all a lie and a conspiracy perpetuated by a handful of heretics which aim to bring anarchy to the world. The Earth is flat, and it is supported by a giant elephant, who, in turn, balances on the back of an even larger turtle.”

A week later, Alistair decided to give up his Atheist beliefs, and start to profess that there is only one truth that we are not to question and that we should follow blindly, because it is the Way.

There was sadness in his mother’s eyes when we asked her to share her feelings.

“I love him very much,” she said. “He is my son. He has had a very unusual life, and I am grateful for every moment of it. It’s been painful to watch him retrogress, but I suppose life is what it is in its randomness.”

We asked what she thought will happen next.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose he will turn racist, and sexist, and eventually hate everyone and everything.”

We have since heard that Mr. Newton, currently in his mid-fourties, has become a registered member of the Tea Party.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Evolution Noticeably at Work in New York City

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Creationists were dealt a major blow today with the discovery that evolution has been acting observably in the area of New York City.

Many New York City drivers seem to have grown a third hand in their struggle to adapt to their environment.

“At first, I kept switching between the gear and the horn,” recounts New York City driver Amanda Sheffield. “But, I seemed to need to operate both. Together. All the time! And then one day, I noticed it. I had grown a third hand. Driving has been simple since then. Now I use my previous right hand for honking, as nature designed it, and my newly grown right hand for changing the gears.”

Asked what she does with her left hand, she demonstrated.

“Fuck you too!” said a passer by, misunderstanding the gesture to refer to him.

“This is a wonderful demonstration of Evolution at work!” said Evolutionary Biologist Reese Plank. “Only those who are fittest to drive in New York City, namely, those with three hands, are the ones that survived. Everyone else shied away from driving, stayed home, never procreated, and ultimately had their gene pool disappear as unfit.”

Reverend Father Georgious, who has dedicated his life to teaching Creationism, could not be reached for comment. 12 year old Josh, who has been his “altar boy” for the past 4 years, spoke instead of him when cornered by a group of journalists. “I think God created these extra hands,” Josh said, “just as he makes hairs grow in strange places, which then need to be blessed and purged.”

The Government has appealed to the public to refrain from further inquiries. They swear in their honesty that the strange phenomenon is by no means related to recent increase of sales of weapons-grade Uranium to households that can afford it.

(See completely unrelated article on Weapons-Grade Uranium Sales in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

Oldest Dinosaur Fossil Discovered under a Church in Salt Lake City Utah

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A 235 million-years-old fossil of a triceratops was accidentally found under the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City, UT, during planned work to re-enforce the foundation of this magnificent historic building.

“This did not happen,” announced Reverend Thomas Winterton. “No one has found anything this old, because nothing this old exists. Everyone knows that the world was created a little over 6000 years ago.”

“This being said,” said Winterton, “the construction crew working on the foundation of the church did find some bones.”

What kind of creature were these bones from?

“They said they are from some kind of a dinosaur.”

But dinosaurs went extinct on Earth some 65 million years ago?

“No, they didn’t. 65 million years ago, there weren’t any dinosaurs, because there was nothing at that time. The world was created 6000 years ago.”

So, you are saying that this dinosaur was a recent one?

“It must have been. If you think about it, there’s no other option. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, this creature must have lived later than that.”

Carbon analysis of the bones seems to indicate that they are 235 million years old.

“It must be wrong. The world didn’t exist 235 million years ago, since it was created only 6000 years ago.”

Are you saying that carbon decay is not a reliable way to judge age?

“What I am saying is that there’s obviously something wrong with that calculation. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, the analysis must have been done incorrectly.”

Carbon analysis was used to determine the age of the Shroud of Turin. Can we trust these findings?

“That’s different. In this case, the calculation matches our knowledge. It doesn’t contradict the notion that the world was created 6000 years ago. So, it must be correct.”

What is the importance of the find and how does it impact the church in whose foundation it was discovered?

“It’s a reminder from God that we should question everything that tests our faith and not take anything at face value, especially claims that contradict the notions that we already know to be universally true. Start with what you know, in this case, the undisputed fact that the world was created 6000 years ago, and you should be able to come up with the only logical conclusion that makes sense: nothing 235 million years old was found at the foundations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City.”

News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.