Speaker of the House John Boehner Invites Al Qaeda Spokesman to Address Congress

Al_Qaeda_Gadahn

In an unprecedented show of solidarity, and emboldened by the new Republican majority in both chambers of Congress, Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner announced that he has arranged for Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn to address Congress on the issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage and Gun Rights.

“Yes, we do have our differences,” admitted Mr. Boehner. “We do not agree with their hatred of the West. They do not agree with our interference in their genocide operations. But overall, we share one important common value – we both believe in crippling our current President Barrack Obama in all his undertakings over the last two years of his presidency.”

Mr. Boehner went behind the president’s back to negotiate secretly with Mr. Gadahn, an American-born convert to radical Islam, so he could help undermine the President’s progressive policies on these key Republican issues.

“On the issue of Abortion, we both agree that women have to obey what conservative men like myself tell them to do,” said Boehner. “Giving women a choice means they could choose to disobey men. Frankly, we are jealous of the success with which Extremist groups like Al Qaeda have enjoyed in controlling their women.”

Gay marriage would not have been a problem if there were no homosexuals in this country,” said Boehner. “Unfortunately, this is not the case here, because, unlike areas where Al Qaeda has control, we have failed to eliminate individuals displaying homosexual tendencies.”

“And finally, Gun rights,” he said. “No one can explain the critical importance of owning large stockpiles of powerful weapons than someone who uses such weapons to cause mass casualties.”

Mr. Gadahn, who has not visited the United States ever since he defected in 1995 at the age of 17 expressed his excitement and anticipation of the upcoming visit. He has been trying on different fits of suicide vests with an eye for low detectability, better comfort and maximum radius of destruction.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Al Qaeda in Yemen Admits to Making Mistake about Charlie Hebdo Drawings

Mujahedeen_Caricature

Surprising new information came to light today as the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen (AQY) completed its own investigation into the shootings that killed 11 journalists from the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo and one police officer in Paris. Specifically, AQY discovered that they had made a terrible mistake in concluding prematurely that Mr. Hebdo was drawing unflattering caricatures of the prophet Muhammad.

“He was, actually, drawing someone who looked very much like the prophet,” said AQY spokesman Haroon Rashid, “but a careful investigation determined it was not actually him.”

The mistake unfortunately proved fatal for the innocent journalists, and AQY expressed regret that their mujahedeen had mounted the attack. Still, he referred to the attackers as only “misguided”, stopping short of calling them terrorists and murderers.

“Well, there are inherent difficulties in judging what depictions are true depictions of the prophet, because no one really knows what the prophet actually looks like,” he said. “That’s one of the problems with not allowing any depictions,” he lamented.

We asked how AQY was actually able to conduct its investigation then.

“As you can imagine, someone must have an actual drawing somewhere, or else there would be no way to exercise judgment,” admitted Rashid. “So, let me come out clean – we, the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen, do keep drawings of the prophet in a secret location. They are used strictly for cases like this, where we have to figure out if someone had been violating the law that prohibits depictions of him.”

Unfortunately, the mistake can not be corrected. The innocent journalists have already become unintended victims of this brutal and senseless attack. The AQY offered however, to take some, albeit untimely, action.

“We went one step further,” said Rashid, “and identified the actual person Mr. Hebdo had been drawing all this time. His name is Abdul Hamal Hassan al Biruni, and he is a villager in one of the villages where we have strong presence. Mr. Biruni had travelled to Paris several years ago, and taken pictures of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower. It was during this trip when someone from the satirical newspaper had spotted him during their lunch break, and they had then used his looks as inspiration for their drawings.”

As a gesture of accepting responsibility for the unjustified brutal attack, AQY had decapitated Mr. Biruni and his entire family to offer the families of the innocent Paris victims what they called “a small token of fairness”.

We, at News Sense News, independently determined that Mr. Biruni had actually secretly been attempting to immigrate with his entire family to Paris, where, as he had put it, “men and women can live with dignity in a free and safe world”. The AQY spokesman denied knowledge of this fact.

“No, our execution of Mr. Biruni was solely based on his likeness to the prophet Muhammad,” he said. “We don’t want any mistakes of this kind to happen in the future if someone decided randomly to depict Mr. Biruni in a cartoon.”

We asked why Mr. Biruni’s family had been executed with him.

“They were all women and children,” the AQY spokesman shrugged. “They don’t count anyway.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

State of the Onion Transcript

Onion

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice Speaker, My Fellow Americans.

We are fifteen years past the year 2000, the arbitrary year which is a result of a) deciding to start counting year zero at a random moment in time which some portion of the world believes to have some significance and b) using a decimal system that happens to result in zeroes when we count multiples of 10.

Yet, although we have advanced greatly in many aspects of life, science, medicine and technology, we continue to have a significant part of Americans stuck to beliefs that date to thousands of years back.

There is, for example, the belief that the long term impact of mankind on the environment which is heading to a possible annihilation of our entire species is less significant than the amount of money that goes into the pockets of a handful of overweight, overfed, overindulged individuals.

There is also the belief that the 1791 right of Americans to own a one-shot front-loading musket somehow carries over to a 2015 right to own automatic weapons capable of killing an entire school of children by a single deranged retard.

There also seems to be the belief that women do not deserve to have any right to make decisions about their own bodies, or that they deserve to be raped just because they dared to go to college, or that they should be paid less for performing the same job as a man.

There seems to be a belief that some people have the right to decide who others should love and marry, while they, themselves, would continue to have the chance to love and marry whoever they want (even though most of them are incapable of love, having never experienced it).

But these are all minor things, as they do not in any way impact those who make these decisions.

What matters, is that the Onion continues to add flavor to our salads, and it continues to make those who try to peel it the wrong way shed tears.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to inform you that our Onion remains strong!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

It is not in any way connected to the Onion to which this article pays tribute because the author has deep appreciation of the excellent work this finest news source is doing in educating Americans of the issues that really matter.

Low Percentage of Blood Found in Driver’s Alcohol System

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Late Monday night, David Kauffman from Burlington, VT was pulled over by a traffic officer because he drove too close to a “perfect slalom-style trajectory”.

“No one follows a zig-zag this perfectly,” recounted traffic police officer Lenard Perry. “Typical Vermont drivers would deviate from a zig-zag substantially, some even driving as far from it as along a direct straight line.”

The officer’s hunch paid off. It soon became clear that Mr. Kauffman suffered from a condition known as “insufficient sobriety.”

“It was indeed too insufficient,” said the officer. “At that level of sobriety, people should really be driving no more than zero miles.”

Sobriety is measured by the amount of blood a typical Vermont resident has in their alcohol system. According to the law, one must attain a minimum of 99.2% of blood in order to drive. Lower percentage of blood is considered illegal in the state.

“Mr. Kauffman’s alcohol system had blood levels that were below the legal limit,” said Perry.

Further investigation revealed that Mr. Kauffman had exercised too few restraints as he was replenishing his alcohol levels at a local bar.

“He simply said ‘no, thank you’ to drinks too few times,” said Perry. “Responsible residents must make sure that there are enough of these ‘no-thank-you’s’ over the course of an evening so that their blood levels remain at the state legal levels.”

Mr. Kauffman has been hospitalized at a blood-enhancement facility until his blood levels are back to normal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

Chinese President Announces Birth of Grandson Fun Pun

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Chinese President, General Secretary of the Communist Party of China and Chairman of the Central Military Commission, Xi Jinping, proudly announced the birth of his grandson Fun Pun today.

Xi Jinping, known to his close circle by the endearing nicknames Kingpin, Gimpin, and Pink Gin, is very proud to be a grandfather, now that his son Wee Dong has finally succeeded in fathering male offspring.

The Communist Party of China has already voted for the young penis-holder to be the next President of China when he turns 13, age that in China is considered lucky.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Meteorologists Promise to be Done with Winter by March

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Let’s face it: winter was late this year in the North East United States. Meteorologists from the Weather Channel would be the first to admit that they missed deadlines, causing disappointment among residents and visitors alike.

“We didn’t have a white Christmas,” complained New York resident Dolf Petersen. “The ski slopes have fake snow. The Weather Channel really screwed up this year.”

Weather Channel CEO David Kenny stood somber in front of our cameras.

“Indeed, there have been inefficiencies in the company,” he admitted. “However, we have invested in new systems and gone through a comprehensive re-org. We are confident that we will be back on track offering timely weather to residents this year.”

“Currently, we are compensating for the earlier misses,” he continued. “We are packing all the freezing temperatures that should have been in December into January, in addition to the cold that was slated for this month . We will do our best to spread the snow over January and February, but, since we have catching up to do, we may need to have a lot of it at the same time. Mid-Jan we are planning a large blizzard.”

“We will work the polar vortex if we have to, but I promise you, we are putting this company back on schedule. Most importantly,” he said, “you have my commitment. Spring will start on March 21st, as planned.”

The company’s stock went through a modest surge, but was mostly flat in late day trading, as investors channeled their skepticism on the ability of Weather.com to deliver. We, however, are confident in the promise. If you can’t trust weather people, who would you trust?

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

Republican-Led Congress Moves to Establish the Islamic State of the United States

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CREDIT: AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

Today, Republican-led Congress voted for the establishment of the Islamic State of the United States (ISUS), an entity, where women have no rights, gay men and women are crucified and stoned to death, and everyone lives according to a strict version of the Bible.

“We had been waiting for this moment,” said speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner. “America has been waiting for this moment. They elected us to get this done.”’

Mr. Boehner’s speech comes at the heels of the first vote of the new congress, which took away women’s right to choose what to do with their bodies.

“Next,” said Mr. Boehner, “we will be taking away women’s rights to education. Education, as we all know, is detrimental to women, because it encourages them to get away from the kitchen, where they belong, and look for jobs. In other words, seek what God has established to be the man’s role in society.”

“We will also be taking away their right to vote,” said Boehner. “Naturally, this is so they do not influence elections with their inferior opinions.”

“This will make sure that women are, what God intended them to be – receptacles for gestation of children.”

What else will ISUS offer to the citizens of America?

“Guns for everyone,” said Boehner. “Guns on the streets. Guns in the schools. Guns everywhere.”

“Of course, we are also repealing Obamacare,” he hurried to add. “Only God is in a position to decide who lives or dies, who is healthy, and who is sick. We will be abolishing any system that is targeted towards improvements of health for the general population.”

We wondered why Mr. Boehner is calling the new entity the “Islamic” state, since it is in fact following the Bible verbatim.

“This is to honor other nations that share similar values as us,” said Boehner.

The Islamic State of the United States will initially be established within the confines of three states, Texas, Louisiana and Missouri, but Mr. Boehner was confident that over time it would grow to overtake, well… the world.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Makers of “Frozen” Admit to Causing Arctic Chill

Arctic_Chill_January

The makers of the movie Frozen, Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee, admitted on Wednesday that they are responsible for the chilling temperatures that have gripped Central and East U.S.

“It has been the best marketing campaign for the movie so far,” said Buck. “Downloads on Amazon and Netflix have more than tripled since the negative temperatures hit the nation.”

Mr. Buck and Ms. Lee came up with the idea ever since the Sony hack executed personally by Mr. Kim Jong-un (with his left hand, while he dribbled a basketball with his right) more than tripled the downloads of the controversial movie The Interview.

“Mr. Kim, who I have been told is actually a secret fan of The Interview because it allowed him to ‘come out’ to the world with the little known fact that he does not have an ass-hole,” said Jennifer Lee, “had come up with the ingenious promotion idea while also doing multivariate-calculus and composing love poetry in his head. He, in his infinite wisdom, saw clearly that banning the movie from theaters would in fact cause even those who never intended to see it to actually do their darndest and pay good money for a download.”

“We watched, and learned,” she said. “Promotion campaigns are everything. Hell, even someone like Marco Rubio could get elected in office after his campaign managers played Waterworld for a week on all public channels in Florida.”

“So, our special effects people got to work. A few more carbon emissions here, some deforestation in the Amazon, a few more Republicans in Congress to vote against the environment, and we now have the Arctic chill that’s done miracles for our cute little Andersen fairy tale.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

House Republicans Ready to Confront Obama

Boehner_Crying

Today, House Republicans announced that they are working on a comprehensive strategy to confront President Barrack Obama.

“We are ready. We are determined. We are going to win!” said Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner.

Asked about what exactly they plan to confront Obama on, Boehner looked at us with surprise.

“Everything,” he said.

We urged him to provide some specifics.

“We don’t have the specifics yet,” Boehner admitted. “But we don’t need specifics. We are confronting President Obama in general.”

How exactly are the House Republicans going to confront Obama?

“Well, we have to stop whatever he is up to. That’s pretty much what it boils down to,” explained Boehner.

But what if President Obama is actually up to something that’s good for the country?

“We are not here to judge what’s good or bad for the country,” said Boehner. “This is not what we were elected to do. We were elected to make sure President Obama doesn’t get anything done, and that is where all of our efforts will be focused.”

But what about the American people?

“I’m not sure I understand the question,” said Boehner.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Why does the New Year Start on January 1st

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Disclaimer: The following post, while factually justified by actual historic events (with artistic license for entertainment purposes), may be offensive to folks who take the story of Christianity literally. If you hold religious beliefs, or mind some relatively graphic language, you may consider not reading this post further.

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“I miss Caesar, man,” said Festus, senior senator in the Roman Senate as he picked up a large piece of slow-roasted bull collarbone leftover from the previous night’s feast. “He was the coolest. It’s been, what? 44 years since that asshole Brutus gutted him?”

“Who?” asked his friend and fellow Senator Zaro, who had been fiddling with an abacus which he had discovered to his great surprise standing unnaturally on the heavy wooden table among numerous dishes, piles of fruit, and decanters of wine, arranged to look as if they were flowing out of a large Cornucopia centerpiece.

“Caesar. Julius Caesar. Remember him?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Zaro distractedly. “Pity, that thing.”

“Well, it’s been 44 years,” said Festus.

“44 is kind of a funny number,” mused Zaro, flipping some of the abacus beads back and forth.

“How so?” asked Festus. He had taken a few bites from the collarbone, but seemed to have gotten bored with it, because he put it down and picked up a plate of chicken livers instead.

“First, it nice and symmetric,” said Zaro. “If you use the Arabic numbers, that is. Four-Four. Same two numbers. It’s pretty cool. I know we don’t use the Arabic numbers, but if you ask me personally, I think they are catching on. They’d probably be a thing a few dozen years from now.”

“Hmm,” said Festus, whose mouth was full of chicken liver. He was looking for a clean mug so he can pour himself some wine.

“In our number system, it’s XLIV, which I think also reads pretty cool,” continued musing Zaro, playing with the abacus absentmindedly. “X,L,I,V. Extra Large Intra-Venous something. Or, whatever you want to make out of it.”

“And third?” asked Festus.

“Third what?”

“You said first and second,” challenged him Festus. “Is there a third?”

“Well, yeah. Third, it’s the average age of a typical Roman male nowadays. We’ve got wars, overindulgence, venereal diseases…”

Festus had found a mug which looked reasonably clean. He poured himself some wine.

“OK, I’m convinced,” he said. “It’s an important anniversary.”

He took a large sip from the wine, and squinted into the distance. “Remember what his favorite thing to do was?”

“Whose?”

“Caesar, dude, our gutted friend we’ve been talking about!”

“Oh, yeah. No. What was it?”

“What was what?”

“His favorite thing.”

“His Calendar,” said Festus. He seemed pleased with himself. “Remember he invented that, and then he was so proud, and he was like, guys, let’s use this calendar, we just have to find a good place where it should start.”

“I don’t remember,” said Zaro.

“Doesn’t matter,” said Festus. “I remember. He said that.”

There was silence. Festus was contemplating his mug, while Zaro had turned the abacus sideways and was flicking the beads up and letting them drop down.

“I say we do something about this,” said Festus decisively.

“Like what?” asked Zaro.

“I say, we make him a saint, and then start his calendar. As a tribute.” Festus refilled his mug and raised it as a toast.

Zaro looked at a large hour glass standing next to the table in which the sand had completely ran out. “How long will that take?” he asked.

“Ten, fifteen lines of that hourglass. No more than that,” said Festus knowingly. He drained his cup of wine all at once.

Zaro sighed. “Whatever, let’s do it,” he said.

“OK!” Festus tried to get up, but lost his balance and sat back down. “Wow, dude. That’s some serious wine,” he said. “Ok, ok, so, here we go. Let’s figure out what the first day of the new year should be.”

“How?” Zaro was shaking the abacus and listening to the crackle it made.

“Let’s pick something that happened, something weird, so people remember,” suggested Festus.

“For example?” inquired Zaro, trying to spin the abacus on his finger.

“I don’t know. How about you leave that thing alone and fucking contribute an idea?” snapped Festus.

Zaro put the abacus away. “OK. Let me think,” he said. He furrowed his brows.

“Here is one,” he said after a few moments of reflection. “A kid was born in Bethlehem a few weeks ago. Mother was a virgin. That weird enough?”

“Tell me more,” said Festus. He was popping grapes into his mouth.

“That’s it. That’s all I’ve got,” Zaro spread his hands.

“Was the mother really a virgin, or did her dude have a really tiny…”

“Dikus!” shouted Zaro at a disoriented young man with a tilted helmet who poked his head in the room.

“Fuck you,” said the visitor, “I was just looking for the loo.” Zaro stared in his direction even though he had already disappeared.

“So, anyway, back to that kid,” said Festus. “Did the husband just jizz over his lady’s hoo-hoo and somehow his swimmers got in?”

“Jesus, are you full of creative explanations!” exclaimed Zaro. “How the fuck should I know? That’s their own personal business. And who the fuck cares? Let’s just say it was a miracle, and the gal never got any, poor thing, and still got knocked up anyway. Bottom line is, a kid was born to a virgin mother. That’s as weird as I can come up with.”

“OK, I can work with that,” Festus raised his hand in a conciliatory gesture. “So, do we start Caesar’s calendar on the kid’s birthday?”

“No, man, you don’t start the calendar on his birthday. You start it 8 days later, when he gets his pee-pee serviced.”

“Serviced?!” Festus looked perplexed.

“Circumcised. Snipped,” clarified Zaro. “They do that, you know.”

“Oh, right. The pee-pee snip day. That makes a lot more sense,” agreed Festus. He held his stomach and winced. “Yuck. The chicken livers were spoiled, I think.” He pointed at the empty plate. “Anyway, I think that works. We’ll declare Caesar a saint, and we’ll start his calendar on the day that kid’s dick shed blood. And everyone will celebrate this day going forward as the New Year.”

He sat back with a smile.

“That’s so totally arbitrary,” said Zaro.

“I know,” said Festus. “But it’s as good as anything.”

There was another silence.

“So, you happy now?” asked Zaro carefully.

“I think so,” said Festus.

“Good,” said Zaro, leaned forward and picked up the abacus again.

“Oh, one more question,” interjected Festus. “Did the kid have a normal dick?”

Zaro shrugged. “How the fuck should I know? Probably. If he didn’t, someone would have said something. It was probably normal.”

“Good,” said Festus. “Good, good. It’s all coming up nicely.” He raised his mug. “Happy New Year, man!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to educate, criticize, expose human follies and, well, make fun of things.