ISIS Calls George W. Bush “Founding Father”

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In a rare* attempt to reach out to the world, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani today held a speech that gave an insight into the historical and political context that gave birth to his homeland, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS).

“Every nation has its defining moments; moments that remain in history to remind future generations how the nation was born,” said al-Adnani on video filmed in an undisclosed secure location with no defining characteristics of the filming background.

“The American infidels, may God never allow any gun control laws to prevent them from killing themselves, consider it a defining moment for their country when they threw away all their tea. This event marked the inception of their nation of Satan, which Allah has been trying to destroy by sending mentally unstable gun owners with histories of depression and violence to kill innocent children and adults alike without the government taking any action toward better background checks.”

“But since we are talking about defining moments,” he said, “let me take a moment to reflect on how our own great nation, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, was made possible.” His eyes grew moist, maybe from emotion, or maybe from a recent leak from one of the vials of neuro-paralytic gas he had been storing in his room for future use on enemies, peaceful civilians, or hostages.

“For us,” he said, “this moment was when former American President George W. Bush, may God give him more siblings with the same or lesser intelligence if that’s theoretically possible, attacked our homelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, destabilized the Middle East, created an easy to fill power vacuum, and killed thousands of civilians, to breed the anger and hatred that brought our new nation together.”

“We may not be saying this out loud,” he admitted, “but in our hearts we know it’s true. Mr. Bush is, in at least one sense of this word, our founding father.”

Following recorded applause after his speech, Mr. al-Adnani answered a few questions from his non-existent live audience.

“We are, of course, excited at the prospect of his brother Jeb becoming President,” he said in response to the question if he’d endorse Presidential candidate Jeb Bush for the job of the most powerful man in the world.

“This would make it certain that America will send us some more young, unfortunate soldiers who will march right into our firing ranges,” he clarified.

A non-existent person from the audience apparently asked him an unexpected question about another very popular candidate in the Republican presidential race. Mr. al-Adnani just shivered.

Trump,” he said in response, “gives me the creeps. That lunatic will bomb the world out of existence before we are able to acquire the weapons to do so.”

“On the other hand,” he admitted cautiously, “We may be lucky and he might destroy his own country first. Who knows. As far as American Politics goes, I am undecided.”

See also: ISIS Declares Halloween as Their First National Holiday

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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*For ISIS, the adjective “rare” indicates that the frequency with which they try to communicate their extremist ideology is less than the frequency with which they wish they did.

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ISIS Requests Enhanced Spreadsheets from Google

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Today, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani confirmed that ISIS has made a formal request to Google to enhance its Google Doc Spreadsheets with capacity to enter more data.

“We use Google Docs to track all of our enemies,” said Adnani. “Over time, the list has grown considerably, and Google Docs is no longer capable of providing adequate data capacity for us.”

ISIS has also issued a plea for more Statisticians and Data Analysis Specialists to join its ranks.

“If you have prior experience dealing with large data sets, and if you have a death wish, then ISIS is the right place for you. Please purchase a one-way ticket to Syria via Turkey,” said Adnani. “We will make sure you are accommodated quickly for the short period of time while you will be helping us cope with the increasing problem of cataloging and classifying our enemies.”

“We also pledge to make sure that you rest in pieces after your job is done.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Al Qaeda in Yemen Admits to Making Mistake about Charlie Hebdo Drawings

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Surprising new information came to light today as the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen (AQY) completed its own investigation into the shootings that killed 11 journalists from the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo and one police officer in Paris. Specifically, AQY discovered that they had made a terrible mistake in concluding prematurely that Mr. Hebdo was drawing unflattering caricatures of the prophet Muhammad.

“He was, actually, drawing someone who looked very much like the prophet,” said AQY spokesman Haroon Rashid, “but a careful investigation determined it was not actually him.”

The mistake unfortunately proved fatal for the innocent journalists, and AQY expressed regret that their mujahedeen had mounted the attack. Still, he referred to the attackers as only “misguided”, stopping short of calling them terrorists and murderers.

“Well, there are inherent difficulties in judging what depictions are true depictions of the prophet, because no one really knows what the prophet actually looks like,” he said. “That’s one of the problems with not allowing any depictions,” he lamented.

We asked how AQY was actually able to conduct its investigation then.

“As you can imagine, someone must have an actual drawing somewhere, or else there would be no way to exercise judgment,” admitted Rashid. “So, let me come out clean – we, the Al Qaeda branch in Yemen, do keep drawings of the prophet in a secret location. They are used strictly for cases like this, where we have to figure out if someone had been violating the law that prohibits depictions of him.”

Unfortunately, the mistake can not be corrected. The innocent journalists have already become unintended victims of this brutal and senseless attack. The AQY offered however, to take some, albeit untimely, action.

“We went one step further,” said Rashid, “and identified the actual person Mr. Hebdo had been drawing all this time. His name is Abdul Hamal Hassan al Biruni, and he is a villager in one of the villages where we have strong presence. Mr. Biruni had travelled to Paris several years ago, and taken pictures of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower. It was during this trip when someone from the satirical newspaper had spotted him during their lunch break, and they had then used his looks as inspiration for their drawings.”

As a gesture of accepting responsibility for the unjustified brutal attack, AQY had decapitated Mr. Biruni and his entire family to offer the families of the innocent Paris victims what they called “a small token of fairness”.

We, at News Sense News, independently determined that Mr. Biruni had actually secretly been attempting to immigrate with his entire family to Paris, where, as he had put it, “men and women can live with dignity in a free and safe world”. The AQY spokesman denied knowledge of this fact.

“No, our execution of Mr. Biruni was solely based on his likeness to the prophet Muhammad,” he said. “We don’t want any mistakes of this kind to happen in the future if someone decided randomly to depict Mr. Biruni in a cartoon.”

We asked why Mr. Biruni’s family had been executed with him.

“They were all women and children,” the AQY spokesman shrugged. “They don’t count anyway.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Republican-Led Congress Moves to Establish the Islamic State of the United States

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CREDIT: AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

Today, Republican-led Congress voted for the establishment of the Islamic State of the United States (ISUS), an entity, where women have no rights, gay men and women are crucified and stoned to death, and everyone lives according to a strict version of the Bible.

“We had been waiting for this moment,” said speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner. “America has been waiting for this moment. They elected us to get this done.”’

Mr. Boehner’s speech comes at the heels of the first vote of the new congress, which took away women’s right to choose what to do with their bodies.

“Next,” said Mr. Boehner, “we will be taking away women’s rights to education. Education, as we all know, is detrimental to women, because it encourages them to get away from the kitchen, where they belong, and look for jobs. In other words, seek what God has established to be the man’s role in society.”

“We will also be taking away their right to vote,” said Boehner. “Naturally, this is so they do not influence elections with their inferior opinions.”

“This will make sure that women are, what God intended them to be – receptacles for gestation of children.”

What else will ISUS offer to the citizens of America?

“Guns for everyone,” said Boehner. “Guns on the streets. Guns in the schools. Guns everywhere.”

“Of course, we are also repealing Obamacare,” he hurried to add. “Only God is in a position to decide who lives or dies, who is healthy, and who is sick. We will be abolishing any system that is targeted towards improvements of health for the general population.”

We wondered why Mr. Boehner is calling the new entity the “Islamic” state, since it is in fact following the Bible verbatim.

“This is to honor other nations that share similar values as us,” said Boehner.

The Islamic State of the United States will initially be established within the confines of three states, Texas, Louisiana and Missouri, but Mr. Boehner was confident that over time it would grow to overtake, well… the world.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

ISIS Adopts Halloween as Their First National Holiday

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In their quest to be recognized by the International community as a legitimate country, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced their decision to adopt Halloween as their first official national holiday.

“We have a flag,” said ISIS spokesman Hallil ad-Din al-Sudan, “We are kind of working on a national anthem, although we do not seem to have recruited any composers among our ranks, and the one accidental composer we took hostage by pure chance was beheaded before he could write anything that would epitomize our culture of violence and intolerance. So, we still have a few things to sort out before we can call ourselves a real country.”

“However,” he said, “one thing became clear very early on. We can never be a country, where people, or I should say, radical Muslim men, can live and prosper happily, until we institute national holidays which we can celebrate as a nation.”

“Halloween was the natural choice,” he said opening his hands in a gesture of concession. “We all like to dress up, mostly like ninjas or penguins, and we don’t care if we all look the same. We are not very creative or fond of variety anyway. We do like to go from door to door and kidnap helpless civilians – it’s a kind of a trick if you think about it. ‘Trick or mis-treat-ing’ would integrate well into our culture.”

“And lastly, we love bloody scenes. Severed heads, cut-off fingers or arms, these are all things that excite us and delight us.”

Al-Sudan showed us his left hand, which was missing three fingers.

“Look! I lost these three in a drone airstrike. Doesn’t my hand look Halloween-ish already?”

He also pointed at the black mask he was wearing.

“No, it’s not a Ku Klux Klan hood. I stopped wearing these years back. White stains easily. I’m wearing a costume of my own creation, so that my parents, brother and nephew back in Alabama can’t recognize me. Not that they ever watch international news, but you can never be too cautious.”