GOP Hopeful Scott Walker Offers Alternatives to ULG

Flat_Earth_Elephants

In a bid to gain popularity in a race where he has been barely visible, Wisconsin GOP Presidential hopeful Scott Kevin Walker has taken the bold step of offering an alternative view to an established Law that has often been popularly referred to as the Universal Law of Gravity, or ULG.

“I’m willing to stand up against anyone, including members of my own party,” said Walker, “to get the job done. The Universal Law of Gravity needs to be repealed, and that will be the first thing I will do on my first day as President.”

Addressing valid criticism that simply repealing the law is senseless, because a law is needed for understanding our world, he waved off concerns.

“I will be replacing this law with a new one that I have drafted myself,” he said.

A proud almost-graduate of the famous* Marquette University of Milwaukee, WI, Mr. Walker had indeed come up with a 15 page document that addresses all concerns that would otherwise have been addressed by the Universal Law of Gravity. His work is based on an older model (“But hey,” he said, “sticking to old models is what the word ‘conservative’ means!”) which goes a few centuries earlier than Heliocentricity. Specifically, Mr. Walker has brought back the valid and obvious assumption that the Earth is actually flat and that all objects simply fall ‘down’.

“With a flat Earth, the directions of ‘down’ and ‘up’ are obvious,” said Walker. “So, there is no need for complicated Liberal concepts to be introduced. Everything is clear and simple, the way God intended it to be.”

The bold step has indeed endeared Mr. Walker to everyone who believes that existing high school physics may be too much of a burden for adolescent minds.

* Marquette University of Wisconsin is indeed famous, if you knew whom to ask about it in certain Jesuit circles. It is proudly the top institution to offer admission to Governor Walker and they have often expressed their genuine sadness of his failure to graduate, since he is, admittedly, the only former student on record to not complete his education there.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Disclaimer: some information in this article may actually be true. If you encounter such information, take it with a grain of salt, or discard it, if the truth is not your thing.

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