Hell Yeah I’d Kill Baby Hitler Says Jeb Bush

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Today, lagging Presidential hopeful John Ellis “Jeb” Bush from Florida showed sudden and unexpected resolve and determination by telling supporters that if he could, he would kill Hitler in his infancy.

“Hell yeah, I’d kill baby Hitler,” he stated in front of a cheering crowd.

This is the first time the presidential candidate has actually expressed any willingness to take action of any kind, which in turn has caused his campaign to fall behind more action-oriented candidates such as Donald Trump, who has repeatedly shown willingness to kill Mexicans, Muslims, immigrants, and other unspecified groups.

Bush’ popularity immediately increased from 8% to 8.0001%.

Once on a roll, Mr. Bush capitalized on his gains. Asked if he would have Hitler’s mom have an abortion, he said.

“Absolutely not. Life is sacred.”

He confirmed, that he would let Hitler’s mom carry her some-day-to-become-monster son to full term, wait for her to give birth, after which he would shoot the newly born baby with a concealed handgun which the Second Amendment guarantees he can take with him to the hospital where Hitler is to be born.

He immediately enjoyed another bump to 8.5002% popularity among his Republican supporters, 0.0001% due to his anti-abortion views, and 0.5% due to his support of anybody’s right to carry a concealed weapon to shoot a baby in a hospital.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The quote from Jeb Bush is, however, 100% real! For more information, read the following CNN article.

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GOP Hopeful Scott Walker Offers Alternatives to ULG

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In a bid to gain popularity in a race where he has been barely visible, Wisconsin GOP Presidential hopeful Scott Kevin Walker has taken the bold step of offering an alternative view to an established Law that has often been popularly referred to as the Universal Law of Gravity, or ULG.

“I’m willing to stand up against anyone, including members of my own party,” said Walker, “to get the job done. The Universal Law of Gravity needs to be repealed, and that will be the first thing I will do on my first day as President.”

Addressing valid criticism that simply repealing the law is senseless, because a law is needed for understanding our world, he waved off concerns.

“I will be replacing this law with a new one that I have drafted myself,” he said.

A proud almost-graduate of the famous* Marquette University of Milwaukee, WI, Mr. Walker had indeed come up with a 15 page document that addresses all concerns that would otherwise have been addressed by the Universal Law of Gravity. His work is based on an older model (“But hey,” he said, “sticking to old models is what the word ‘conservative’ means!”) which goes a few centuries earlier than Heliocentricity. Specifically, Mr. Walker has brought back the valid and obvious assumption that the Earth is actually flat and that all objects simply fall ‘down’.

“With a flat Earth, the directions of ‘down’ and ‘up’ are obvious,” said Walker. “So, there is no need for complicated Liberal concepts to be introduced. Everything is clear and simple, the way God intended it to be.”

The bold step has indeed endeared Mr. Walker to everyone who believes that existing high school physics may be too much of a burden for adolescent minds.

* Marquette University of Wisconsin is indeed famous, if you knew whom to ask about it in certain Jesuit circles. It is proudly the top institution to offer admission to Governor Walker and they have often expressed their genuine sadness of his failure to graduate, since he is, admittedly, the only former student on record to not complete his education there.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Disclaimer: some information in this article may actually be true. If you encounter such information, take it with a grain of salt, or discard it, if the truth is not your thing.

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U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

Indiana Court Sentences Purvi Patel To Be Beheaded in Public

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On Monday, 3/30, Indiana court sentenced 33 years old Purvi Patel for having an involuntary miscarriage.

“The way I see it,” said Sue Ellen Braunlin, doctor and co-president of the Indiana Religious Coalition for Reproductive Justice, “God decided that Mrs. Patel deserves to lose her child. He taketh the child away. It is our responsibility to carry out the rest of God’s will and make sure Mrs. Patel suffers as much as humanly possible given the short amount of time we have to act.”

Indiana Governor Michael Richard “Mike” Pence defended the court’s decision.

“Our God, praise be to Him, had spoken,” he said.

Mrs. Patel is to be lashed 30 times and then beheaded in public for her unintentional action.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Author’s note: The above is not funny. Not at all. Purvi Patel was indeed sentenced to 20 years in prison in Indiana for having a miscarriage. She may not have been beheaded, but the the difference is a matter of degree. This is ISIS operating in the United States under a different religion. The value of satire is to raise awareness. I hope this blog demonstrates how perverse things can become when the religious conservatives choose to operate with 18th century mentality.

Speaker of the House John Boehner Invites Al Qaeda Spokesman to Address Congress

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In an unprecedented show of solidarity, and emboldened by the new Republican majority in both chambers of Congress, Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner announced that he has arranged for Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn to address Congress on the issues of Abortion, Gay Marriage and Gun Rights.

“Yes, we do have our differences,” admitted Mr. Boehner. “We do not agree with their hatred of the West. They do not agree with our interference in their genocide operations. But overall, we share one important common value – we both believe in crippling our current President Barrack Obama in all his undertakings over the last two years of his presidency.”

Mr. Boehner went behind the president’s back to negotiate secretly with Mr. Gadahn, an American-born convert to radical Islam, so he could help undermine the President’s progressive policies on these key Republican issues.

“On the issue of Abortion, we both agree that women have to obey what conservative men like myself tell them to do,” said Boehner. “Giving women a choice means they could choose to disobey men. Frankly, we are jealous of the success with which Extremist groups like Al Qaeda have enjoyed in controlling their women.”

Gay marriage would not have been a problem if there were no homosexuals in this country,” said Boehner. “Unfortunately, this is not the case here, because, unlike areas where Al Qaeda has control, we have failed to eliminate individuals displaying homosexual tendencies.”

“And finally, Gun rights,” he said. “No one can explain the critical importance of owning large stockpiles of powerful weapons than someone who uses such weapons to cause mass casualties.”

Mr. Gadahn, who has not visited the United States ever since he defected in 1995 at the age of 17 expressed his excitement and anticipation of the upcoming visit. He has been trying on different fits of suicide vests with an eye for low detectability, better comfort and maximum radius of destruction.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

State of the Onion Transcript

Onion

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice Speaker, My Fellow Americans.

We are fifteen years past the year 2000, the arbitrary year which is a result of a) deciding to start counting year zero at a random moment in time which some portion of the world believes to have some significance and b) using a decimal system that happens to result in zeroes when we count multiples of 10.

Yet, although we have advanced greatly in many aspects of life, science, medicine and technology, we continue to have a significant part of Americans stuck to beliefs that date to thousands of years back.

There is, for example, the belief that the long term impact of mankind on the environment which is heading to a possible annihilation of our entire species is less significant than the amount of money that goes into the pockets of a handful of overweight, overfed, overindulged individuals.

There is also the belief that the 1791 right of Americans to own a one-shot front-loading musket somehow carries over to a 2015 right to own automatic weapons capable of killing an entire school of children by a single deranged retard.

There also seems to be the belief that women do not deserve to have any right to make decisions about their own bodies, or that they deserve to be raped just because they dared to go to college, or that they should be paid less for performing the same job as a man.

There seems to be a belief that some people have the right to decide who others should love and marry, while they, themselves, would continue to have the chance to love and marry whoever they want (even though most of them are incapable of love, having never experienced it).

But these are all minor things, as they do not in any way impact those who make these decisions.

What matters, is that the Onion continues to add flavor to our salads, and it continues to make those who try to peel it the wrong way shed tears.

My fellow Americans, I am happy to inform you that our Onion remains strong!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

It is not in any way connected to the Onion to which this article pays tribute because the author has deep appreciation of the excellent work this finest news source is doing in educating Americans of the issues that really matter.

Republican-Led Congress Moves to Establish the Islamic State of the United States

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CREDIT: AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin

Today, Republican-led Congress voted for the establishment of the Islamic State of the United States (ISUS), an entity, where women have no rights, gay men and women are crucified and stoned to death, and everyone lives according to a strict version of the Bible.

“We had been waiting for this moment,” said speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner. “America has been waiting for this moment. They elected us to get this done.”’

Mr. Boehner’s speech comes at the heels of the first vote of the new congress, which took away women’s right to choose what to do with their bodies.

“Next,” said Mr. Boehner, “we will be taking away women’s rights to education. Education, as we all know, is detrimental to women, because it encourages them to get away from the kitchen, where they belong, and look for jobs. In other words, seek what God has established to be the man’s role in society.”

“We will also be taking away their right to vote,” said Boehner. “Naturally, this is so they do not influence elections with their inferior opinions.”

“This will make sure that women are, what God intended them to be – receptacles for gestation of children.”

What else will ISUS offer to the citizens of America?

“Guns for everyone,” said Boehner. “Guns on the streets. Guns in the schools. Guns everywhere.”

“Of course, we are also repealing Obamacare,” he hurried to add. “Only God is in a position to decide who lives or dies, who is healthy, and who is sick. We will be abolishing any system that is targeted towards improvements of health for the general population.”

We wondered why Mr. Boehner is calling the new entity the “Islamic” state, since it is in fact following the Bible verbatim.

“This is to honor other nations that share similar values as us,” said Boehner.

The Islamic State of the United States will initially be established within the confines of three states, Texas, Louisiana and Missouri, but Mr. Boehner was confident that over time it would grow to overtake, well… the world.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.