Recent Killings of Police Officers

This is not a satirical article as other posts in this blog. I have come back from my vacation to condemn in the strongest terms the recent killings of police officers.

Killing a random police officer does not constitute justice. It’s just murder.

Individuals who commit murder should be prosecuted, and justice should be served according to the law.

Without exceptions.

This being said, let’s nevertheless pose some relevant questions. Without trying to in any way diminish the gravity of the crimes committed, here is a poll that would hopefully put things into perspective for you, the reader. No matter which “side” you support (as if taking sides makes any sense when the murder of a human being is concerned), think about these.

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The Enchanted Life of Alistair Newton

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On September 5th, 2014, Alistair Newton decided to give up his Atheist beliefs after failing a basic science class.

“I simply stopped questioning everything,” he told a small crowd of curious bystanders attracted by the shiny new camera of our news organization. “And when you have no basic understanding of the world, no explanation of how it functions, the only possible thing to do is stop believing that there is no God.”

Alistair’s profound change of beliefs came as the next step of his otherwise very peculiar life.

He was born in 1969, in a family of rocket scientists. To their great surprise, he immediately spoke. His first words were: “Boy, was this an awesome example of peristaltically-driven squeeze through a narrow elastic channel! Weird, and real tight, but it got me all the Lactobacillus I need. Thanks, Mom! You did an awesome job!”

Not only was Alistair born with a full ability to speak, but he could also read, write, and do multivariable calculus in his head.

Alas, this was the highest form of intellectual accomplishment he would ever achieve, because as soon as he was out of the womb, he started to retrogress. Year over year, he would lose some advanced form of analytical ability. By the age of five, he could no longer manipulate tensors in his head. By the age of ten, he had lost some of his line integration skills. By his mid-twenties, his trigonometry was disappearing at an exponential rate and he was reduced to only being able to do basic high-school algebra.

With the retrogression of his analytical skills came a corresponding retrogression of his belief system. As a kid, Alistair had been a strong proponent of equality and freedom. He respected people’s beliefs, and promoted a philosophy of tolerance and understanding. But as his ability to calculate molar ratios vanished, so did his belief that women should get equal pay at the workplace. As time went by, Alistair lost his understanding that skin color, religion, or sexual orientation are not indications of anyone being less human. While earlier in life he had seen his own Atheist beliefs as a logical, but not superior way of searching for transcendence, by his late 30s he had started to develop distinct hatred towards Muslims and Jews based on his own growing sense of superiority.

His own knowledge and understanding of the world continued to shrink. One day, concerned that he could no longer understand the idea of Gravity, he decided to take a science class at a community college, so he could restore his disappering knowledge.

He took one, and he failed it. He came out of his final exam, lightheaded, confused, and said: “I don’t get it. If the Earth is indeed round like some claim, why don’t people fall off at the other side?”

“There is only one explanation,” he said. “The Earth is not actually round. This is all a lie and a conspiracy perpetuated by a handful of heretics which aim to bring anarchy to the world. The Earth is flat, and it is supported by a giant elephant, who, in turn, balances on the back of an even larger turtle.”

A week later, Alistair decided to give up his Atheist beliefs, and start to profess that there is only one truth that we are not to question and that we should follow blindly, because it is the Way.

There was sadness in his mother’s eyes when we asked her to share her feelings.

“I love him very much,” she said. “He is my son. He has had a very unusual life, and I am grateful for every moment of it. It’s been painful to watch him retrogress, but I suppose life is what it is in its randomness.”

We asked what she thought will happen next.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose he will turn racist, and sexist, and eventually hate everyone and everything.”

We have since heard that Mr. Newton, currently in his mid-fourties, has become a registered member of the Tea Party.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

More Clues on Potential Missouri Cop Killer

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Disturbing new information has come to light as the investigation of the potential cop killer in Missouri progresses.

While the identity of the suspect is still unknown, he is believed to be armed and dangerous. A camera at Pagedale Mall where the suspect had been seen prior to his altercation with police has recorded a grainy image of him carrying what looks like a plastic squirt gun.

“These weapons are very dangerous, because they are easy to conceal,” commented Pagedale police chief Darryl K. Wellson. “They can remain undetected in airport screenings. This suspect can be anywhere right now and still have his weapon on him.”

“Worse still, this suspect could have gone to Texas, bought some weapons-grade uranium from any pharmacy, and filled his weapon with radioactive water, ready to squirt it at any member of the force who stands on his way.”

“Comes to think of it,” he added, “he could probably even fill his weapon with sea water from the Bay Area that has been washing up there from Fukushima.”

“Not that this sea water fact has ever been confirmed by anyone other than the EPA and the IAEA,” he hurried to add, “so, for all we know, these might just be rumors.”

“Well, we could trust the IAEA as far as Iranian nuclear ambitions are concerned,” he addressed our concerns, “but certainly not when they express opinions about the safety of our own Bay Area sea water. They are not trained to make educated statements about the environment. Their expertise is preventing evil dictators from acquiring nuclear weapons.”

“Well, having Texas sell weapons-grade uranium is not the same thing as having an evil Iranian dictator produce it in illegal centrifuges,” he clarified.

“These centrifuges are illegal, because they are produced and sold by the Russians,” clarified Mr. Wellson further. “Not a single dollar of that revenue has come to the U.S. Anything that doesn’t make the U.S. money should be illegal.”

“Yes, true, we don’t make any money by donating millions of dollars of military equipment to rebel groups that destabilize other country’s governments,” Wellson admitted, “but that’s different.”

“Well, it is different. I’m not sure how, but it is. It’s probably tax deductible,” he said.

He waved his hands for silence.

“Ok, enough, enough! I’ve said more than I’m authorized to,” he shouted over the protesting crowd. “To get back to the topic, our suspect whose identity we still don’t know is a four-year-old Black male who was last seen accompanied by a likely related to him Black female in her late 50s. He is known to possess a plastic squirt weapon that has been banned for people of his ethnicity. Our entire force is combing the area inch by inch, and we are confident that we will soon find him and have him shot before he can make any statements to the media that can inflict further damage to the reputation of the Missouri police force.”

“This interview is over!”

He was hurried away before the crowd could ask him any further questions.

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(Related articles: Potential Cop Killer on the Loose, Second Amendment Upheld in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.

Potential Cop Killer on the Loose

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The entire Missouri police force has been called to report to duty on Monday despite upcoming holidays in an unprecedented hunt for a potential cop killer.

The potential killer was last seen pointing his index finger at an officer who had been standing peacefully in front of Dunkin Donuts in Pagedale, MO, only miles from where Michael Brown threatened the life of Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson.

The officer had been enjoying a donut and a cup of Dunkin coffee and both of his hands had been occupied by the tasty treats. So, he had been unable to immediately react to the threatening gesture. He did, however, tell fellow friends who work for Fox News that his hair had stood on end, because the gesture clearly mimicked the motion of pointing of a gun.

“I’ll never forget the feeling,” shared the shaken officer, whose name we have agreed to not disclose for safety reasons. “The pointed finger. The look on that [person’s] face. Evil, dark brown face. It still gives me the chills.”

The potential killer is described as approximately three feet tall, with dark complexion, curly black hair, slightly over-sized clothes, and sneakers that blink with blue lights. He was being led by the hand by an approximately 5′ 4” elderly woman of a similar complexion as both of them were crossing the street at a pedestrian crossing. After pointing his finger at the officer, the suspect allegedly stuck the threatening finger into his own nose, and it remained there while the suspect was still in sight.

The unnamed officer handled the situation with bravery and professionalism.

“I finished my donut in several large bites, and washed it down quickly with the remainder of my coffee,” he recalled. “There was no time to grab a napkin. Time is critical in life threatening situations. Even though my hands were still sticky from the glazed sugar, I drew out my weapon, and pointed it in the direction of the threat.”

Alas, it was too late. The potential killer and his older companion had already turned around the corner.

The officer called for immediate backup and waited until several other police vehicles arrived before the re-enforced small group proceeded carefully towards the corner with their weapons drawn.

“You can never be too careful,” the officer shared. “You never know what could be waiting for you on the other side.”

It had been too late indeed. Both suspects had already disappeared by the time the armed group was able to make their way past the dangerous corner.

“We don’t know where they went,” said the chief of the police department where the unnamed threatened officer gets his paycheck. “There is a bus stop on the other side. It is possible that both of them took the bus and blended with the rest of them Black folks. We have, however, started a manhunt, and we will not rest until we catch the dangerous individual and bring him to justice.”

Asked if they are ready to use lethal force, the chief of police was unequivocal.

“We are not taking any chances. Our officers have been instructed to shoot on site.”

A white-knuckled nation awaits while this hunt takes its course. A reward has been offered for any information that could lead to the capture and immediate execution of this potential killer.

(also see related followup story for further developments of this breaking news)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has taken a somewhat sudden turn away from its typical lighter tone to address issues of racism and police brutality for which it’s simply unacceptable to keep silent.

Dennis Rodman Will Not Bring Officer Pantaleo to Kim Jong-Un

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American celebrity and basketball legend Dennis Rodman shared with us today that his good friend Kim Jong-Un, supreme leader of the People’s Republic of Korea, has expressed his strong desire to meet NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo, whom he idolizes as a hero for his complete lack of moral fiber and his unrestrained drive for excessive violence and aggression that goes beyond any human norms.

(See related article Kim Jong-Un to Erect Statue of Officer Pantaleo)

“Yeah, Jong-Jong asked, in fact pretty much ordered me to bring Pantaleo along next time I go visit,” said Rodman, using an endearing nickname to refer to his close friend.

Will Mr. Rodman comply with this demand?

“I thought about it,” Rodman started carefully. “A lot.”

Thinking doesn’t do much, in our humble opinion. What will Mr. Rodman do?

“I thought I could meet him half-way,” said Rodman. “You know, bring in along a couple other NYPD cops for show and tell, but Jongie wouldn’t have it. He wants the hero himself.”

Why is it so difficult for Mr. Rodman to meet Kim’s actual demand?

“The police, you know, ain’t exactly my good friends,” confessed Rodman, looking briskly over his shoulder by habit. “Who knows what they’d do if I happen to accidentally drug some chick in the hotel, or if I violate my rehab orders.”

But the police is there to ensure the safety and security of everyone, including Mr. Rodman.

“Yeah, right,” said Rodman. “Except for one little thing. You probably don’t know this, but under all these tattoos, I’m actually a Black man.”

Reclusive North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un to Erect Statue of Officer Daniel Pantaleo in Historic Landmark Square

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The mysterious and powerful North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un rarely comes out of his solitary, hermit shell, but when he does, it is to honor those to whom he looks up to for guidance and inspiration.

Today, he announced his plans to erect a 20-foot statue of NYPD Officer Daniel Pantaleo at the historic square in front of his father’s Mausoleum, the majestic Kumsusan Palace of the Sun, situated in the presigious North-East corner of Pyongyang.

The statue will feature Panteleo in a power pose, holding a suffocating Black man in a choke-hold. The magnificent statue will tower above the square on a solid rectangular granite pedestal, and a gold-plated plaque would have the words “I can’t breathe” engraved finely with a platinum in-lay.

Of course, the words will be a Korean translation.

“Officer Pantaleo is my hero,” the North Korean leader said. “I bow my head in humble admiration to him. He is the living proof that the model we have been elusively pursuing to build here, in the People’s Republic of Korea, is actually possible, and it works.”

Asked if he would be open to meeting Pantaleo in person, the North Korean leader could hardly contain his excitement.

“I would pee in my pants!” he said in an unusual moment of unrehearsed sincerity.

What, if anything, would Mr. Kim ask of Mr. Pantaleo if he had the chance?

“Teach us! Show us the way!” cried an elated Kim Jong-Un. “We need to know how to build a society, where police has the unrestricted power to torture and kill with no accountability and no consequences!”

What else has Mr. Kim been considering regarding his newly found hero?

“Even though we are a secular state,” Mr. Kim said, “I have actually been toying with the idea of deifying Officer Pantaleo. We can create a religion centered around Mr. Pantaleo, so that my closest cohort can revel and worship his heroic dedication to unbridled police brutality!”

Ferguson Police Chief Can’t Wait for Mockingjay II

An emotional Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson shared today that he could not wait a day longer to see the conclusion of the Hunger Games saga in the highly anticipated last installment of the series, Mockingjay II.

“The Hunger Games has been one of my most favorite movies of all time,” he confessed. “I can’t wait to find out how the story is going to end!”

What part of the story does he find most appealing?

“Well, you see, it’s a mirror image of our world,” he said. “There is the powerful Capitol, who has gone to great lengths to build a perfect society which functions as clockwork. And then, this bitch Katniss Everdeen appears, causes irreparable damage, and it’s up to the hero of the movie, President Snow, to restore peace and stability.”

“This is what I face every day with my job,” he added.

So, despite of being a die-hard fan, he has not yet read the books?

“I couldn’t possibly,” he said. “They are long, and have many complicated words. Why spend months, maybe years, trying to read a book, when you can see the entire story in two hours on a movie screen?”

So, he has resisted asking someone who has read the books about the ending?

“It’s not the job of a Police Chief to ask questions,” said Jackson. “We are trained from the very beginning of being hired to ignore any need for finding additional information about anything.”

“Besides,” he added, “I don’t know anyone who reads books.”

How does he think the story is going to end?

“I’m hoping for a happy ending!” he said with tears in his eyes. “I’m the kind of guy who always roots for the good guys! The Capitol must prevail! The rebels must be eradicated! The careful balance of that perfect world must be brought back to what it has always been!”

We wished Mr. Jackson best of luck.

Ferguson Cop Explains Reasons Behind Shooting

In a surprising turn of events, as soon as a grand jury voted to not indict Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson for his fatal shooting of Michael Brown, the veteran cop spoke out, revealing the reasons why he killed the unarmed Black teenager.

“It was a whimsically ingenious plan,” said Wilson. “You see, I have a cousin who’s stationed in Iraq. We got a word long time back that this year he won’t make it home for the holidays. You can imagine how disappointing this news was for our family. There hasn’t been a single Thanksgiving so far when he had not sat with us at the dinner table, lighting up the room with that open, friendly smile of his. So, we devised a plan!”

We asked what that plan was.

“It boiled down to this,” said Wilson. “One of us, don’t matter who, was going to shoot and kill some random Black kid. We’ve done this before, we know what would happen next. Them Black folks always riot when something like this happens. It happened this time too. It’s as reliable as clockwork.”

“We made sure that this time them Black folks were pretty pissed off. I mean, we had to do this real blunt – in broad daylight, with witnesses, with people filming the whole thing with their cell phones. And then, we’d let them know that no one would go to trial for that. That was going to piss them off plenty.”

How is this related to Wilson’s cousin?

“That was the hard part and it took some planning,” shared Wilson. “To keep the peace, they always bring in the National guard. By pissing off Black folks real bad, we made sure that this time we needed a lot more armed forces on the streets than usual.”

“This is where the connections of my Police Unit came in to help. They requested additional folks, and specifically, the unit of my cousin Clyde to be brought back home from Iraq as an emergency. This part didn’t’ even need to be an act. It’s a fucking war zone if you look around.”

“So, they brought him! Our little cousin Clyde was back here with us, all dressed up in war gear, fighting to restore law and order in his own hometown. Not only was he back, but he came back as a hero to save the day! He will be sitting with us at the dinner table this Thanksgiving too!” Wilson could not hide his happiness and pride.

We asked if the officer had any concerns about his plan not working.

“Well, there’s always that chance,” admitted Wilson. “Worst that could happen is that they sent someone else. That’s if some asshole out there in Iraq decided to be difficult. Luckily, this didn’t happen. We have good connections there, it all worked out.

Wasn’t Wilson concerned that he might get indicted?

“Are you kidding me?” laughed Wilson. “I’m a white cop, shooting a Black kid. When was the last time anyone got indicted under these circumstances?”

The decision was made by a jury. Was it not possible that the jury decided otherwise?

“You clearly don’t understand how things work down here in Missouri,” said Wilson, shaking his head. “Well, let me enlighten you by sharing this. I actually got a call from the jury early this morning. They apologized for the inconvenience.”

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Author’s Note:

I hope that your gut turned as you read this post. I hope you thought, this can’t be real. It isn’t. It’s a grossly exaggerated version of reality, but nevertheless, a reality that exists. This story may not be real, but racism is.

Everything published in News Sense News is 100% fake. That’s the concept of the blog; to be a satire that brings people’s attention to issues by doing the opposite of what sugar-coating does; making these issues visible via exaggeration.

But unlike the previous few (this is a new blog that started only last week) posts, this post tackles a darker subject. Being very new to online publishing, I was very much on the fence whether or not to post it. Yes, I did want to make a statement about the unfairness of the system that tolerates racism and even waves it at people’s faces, but was that the right format?

Maybe. Maybe not. Not everything in life is light and fun. Sooner or later, one sees the darker side.

This story does not aim to claim any specific outcome in the Ferguson case. As many have already duly noted, the law had spoken; we are a country of laws; now we need to figure out how to move forward in constructive ways, learning from the past for a better future.

Here is to the hope that some day, the world will live racism-free.

My heart goes out to Brown’s family, who, I can not even imagine how, will have to find the strength to live with the loss of their son. My deepest condolences.