President Trump’s Letter to Korean Leader Kim Jong-un

Today, Thursday, May 24th, President Donald John Trump canceled his long anticipated meeting with North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un. Our staff was able to obtain the original version of President Trump’s letter, as well as the revisions done by his staff prior to finalizing the draft. Mr. Trump’s original text is provided in red, and the reductions to it are provided in gray.

Here they are:

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Kim Jong in North Korea His Excellency
Kim Jong Un
 (You guys know the address) Chairman of the State Affairs Commission
of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea
Pyongyang

Kim-Jong, you made a bad choice. Big, big mistake. We greatly appreciate your time, patience, and effort with respect to our recent negotiations and discussions relative to a summit long sought by both parties, which was scheduled to take place on June 12 in Singapore. We were informed that the meeting was requested by North Korea, but that to us is totally irrelevant. I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Too much anger. Sadly, based on the tremendous anger and open hostility displayed in your most recent statement, I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting.

Too bad. Your loss. Meeting is off. Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that the Singapore summit, for the good of both parties, but to the detriment of the world, will not take place.We have more nukes. We will use them. We will level NK any time we want. Just so you know. You talk about nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.

Looked like it was all going well. I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that dialogue that matters. They were going to give me Nobel Prize, you know. They said it. And then you said some stupid things. Stupid, stupid things. Big mistake. I don’t care about the Nobel Prize. I may still get it, even without you. Some day, I look very much forward to meeting you. In the meantime, I want to thank you for the release of the hostages who are now home with their families. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.

Maybe you’ll change your mind. If you change your mind having to do with this most important summit, please do not hesitate to call me or write. The world, and North Korea in particular, has lost a great opportunity for lasting peace and great prosperity and wealth. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in history.

We have more nukes. If you do, we may reschedule. Maybe. If you are really nice. But otherwise, we’ll nuke North Korea.

Sincerely yours,
Donald Trump, President of the World Donald J. Trump
President of the United States of America

 

Source: Read President Trump’s Letter to Kim Canceling the Summit (CNN)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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Trump Cancels North Korea Summit, Quotes Winning

Today, Thursday, May 24, president Donald John Trump announced that after careful consideration he is canceling the long awaited summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

“So much winning would be too much for any one president,” he explained his reasons. “We have been winning every single day since I took office. It has been tremendous. But I promised Americans that they will get tired of winning, and today, I have delivered on that promise.”

Mr. Trump acknowledged that this particular win was difficult to give up.

“Yes, I would have gotten a Nobel Prize for this one,” he said. “They asked me, do you want a Nobel Prize? They asked me that, you know. I deserve it. No one deserves it better than me. But I thought about it, and I said, that would be too much winning. They may still give me one, I don’t know, maybe they will, but at this point, I am more interested in starting to win less. Because, you know, the American people are getting tired. They have never seen that much winning. They don’t know how to handle that.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

White House Jokes Lightheartedly About John McCain

Earlier this week, following Senator John McCain opposition of president Trumps CIA nominee Gina Haspel, White House aide Kelly Sadler took a lighthearted approach.

“He is dying anyway,” she joked* (see source).

A good number of White House employees exploded in laughter at her witty humor.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders could barely speak from her giggles as tears streamed from her eyes.

“And he… he…” she kept saying, trying to build on Sadler’s joke, “he is in a lot of pain! He is going to die in pain!” She was holding on her stomach, bent over from her laughing fit.

President Trump brushed aside at the general uplifted spirit on his staff.

“They are just having fun!” he said. “They work very, very hard every day. They deserve to have some time to laugh and enjoy the terrific news about that captured loser John McCain, who won’t be around for too much longer.”

The White House, Trump said, has been in a constant state of laughter ever since he was elected President.

*Source: White House Aide Jokes About Dying McCain (CNN)

Source: White House Refuses to Apologize for Kelly Sadler Joke about McCain (NY Times)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news.

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Author’s note: Satire can showcase human follies, but nothing, NOTHING can do justice in showcasing the sickness and degradation of this administration. Mr. McCain, you are a hero, Sir. You are what makes America great.

McCain Does Not Want Trump Attending His Funeral

Early on Monday, May 7, U.S. Senator John Sidney McCain re-iterated his earlier statement that he, personally, would not want current president Donald J. Trump attending his funeral (see NBC News Article below) .

“This is a situation that I find unacceptable on multiple levels,” said McCain.

His preference, McCain confirmed, as well as the preference of more than 65% of all Americans, would be that he, John McCain, attends Trump’s funeral instead.

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Source: McCain Does Not Want Trump at Funeral (NBC News)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to provide entertainment. It is often, as in this case, inspired by very, very real news.

Trump’s Legal Team and Their Duties

Recent news had suggested that president Donald J. Trump is having a difficult time finding talented American lawyers to represent him in various matters related to his life before and after he was elected president.

Today, Mr. Trump let us know via a tweet that this is a “vicious lie” and “fabrication” made up by the “fake news media”, a term he frequently uses to refer to anyone who is not Fox News.

Specifically, Mr. Trump pointed to two top American lawyers who will be representing him as follows.

American lawyer Genadiy “Jay” Sekulow will be representing president Trump with any matter related to Russia. This includes matters related to Mueller’s Russia Probe, as well as other unspecified “private” matters that are, according to Mr. Trump, “of personal nature”. Mr. Sekulow will be working closely with several other not very well-known but otherwise very talented American lawyers such as Dmitriy “Dale” Poddelkin, Igor “Irwin” Ljetzov and Natasha “Nancy” Pokrivalova.

Recent addition to Donald Trump’s legal team is American politician and lawyer Roberto “Rudy” Giuliani. On the books, Giuliani will be handling a variety of legal issues for Mr. Trump. In reality, however, he had been hired to deal with some unspecified “business” related to “taxes” and “friends” that Mr. Trump has been having dealing with in a small Mediterranean country. Mr. Giuliani’s counsel includes American lawyers Marco “Mitch” Crimini, Angelo “Andy” Nasconde, and Luka “Larry” Teppista.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump Reaches Out to North Korea With Hopeful Ask

Following a string of recent firings as well as voluntary departures from his administration,  the most recent one being of his own National Security Advisor General H.R. McMaster, president Donald J. Trump is extending a hand of friendship to North Korea, an old arch-nemesis, in the hope of a deeper partnership.

“Look, we have a lot in common,” he said regarding his informally mentioned upcoming meeting with North Korea’s reclusive leader Kim Jong Un. “We have tremendous respect for each other, and we are both competent, admired leaders, loved by everyone in our countries.”

The agenda of the meeting, which is never intended to take place, is still unclear. However, one of the very, very few remaining sources close to the president, who would like to remain anonymous, but admits that this is becoming increasingly harder due to the continuous shrinking of that already tiny group, has leaked out information that the President is hoping to ask Kim for ideas of how to run the country with fewer and fewer staff, including, if needed, with staff of zero.

The President’s spokeswoman Sarah Sanders indirectly confirmed that need. “We are, indeed, running out of good, quality people,” she shared. “There just aren’t enough Climate Change Deniers, Holocaust Deniers, Science Deniers, Fact Deniers, Neo-Nazis and White Supremacists who have not already been hired and then fired by the President.”

We asked the president’s own Counselor, Ms. Kellyanne Conway, also known under the loving nickname “the Con-girl”, of her opinion of the most recent administration departure, the president’s National Security Advisor, General H.R. McMaster.

“General H.R. McMaster never left,” Conway answered with her characteristic honesty. “He is still actively employed by the president, as are Andrew McCabe, Rex Tillerson, John McEntee, Gary Cohn, Roberta Jacobson, Hope Hicks, Josh Raffel, David Sorensen, Rachel Brand, Rob Porter, Omarosa Manigault Newman, Richard Cordray, Tom Price, Sebastian Gorka, Steve Bannon, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Michael Short, Sean Spicer, Walter Shaub, Michael Dubke, James Comey, Katie Walsh, Preet Bharara, Michael Flynn, Sally Yates…”

We had to cut her off, because our reporter had to, at some point, go home.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real news.

 

Rudolph and the Brown-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph was a reindeer, one of several, employed by world renowned toy manufacturer Santa Claus to provide horsepower to his delivery sleigh.

But Rudolph was also a little bit different from the other reindeer. His nose was red. That difference was a result of his heritage. He was a descendant of an immigrant family of reindeer from Canada, talented and intelligent, who had also raised Rudolph with similar abilities and values.

Rudolph never told the other reindeer of his background. The other reindeer, who had brown noses, were shallow and uneducated. They had all been raised in the more conservative forests in the United States, where uniformity was the norm, and diversity and intelligence were feared and hated. (Additionally, they had been thoroughly brainwashed by the lying Fox News network, but that is a completely different story altogether.)

Even by hiding his true heritage, Rudolph did not find acceptance. His red nose was a sufficient difference for the other reindeer to shun him, call him names, and not let him play deer games with them.

One day, however, everything changed. Santa, who needed someone to guide his sleigh through winter storms and fog with poor visibility, had no choice but to ask Rudolph to lead the way.  He needed someone competent, or else his deliveries would fail.

Telling this to the other reindeer was not an option. They were quick to judge and easy to anger. So, he came up with an explanation: he was selecting Rudolph because of his red nose.

The brown nosed reindeer were a little surprised, but took the explanation at face value, wasting no time to show Santa their fidelity to his authority. They immediately did a 180 degree on Rudolph, and started complimenting him, stating that he would “go down in history”.

Secretly, each of them booked an appointment with a plastic surgeon to replace their brown noses with red ones.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Roy Moore Denies Accusations

Late at night on election Tuesday, 12/12, Republican Senate hopeful Roy Stewart Moore addressed his cheering supporters and firmly denied accusations that he had lost the election to Democratic candidate Doug Jones.

“These allegations are completely false,” Moore stated on national TV.  “I did not lose this election. I never lost anything. These allegations are false.”

Mr. Moore further stated that the timing of the statement that he lost the election, exactly on election day and right after the votes were counted, is too politically convenient to be true.

“If I had really lost the election,” he said, “why didn’t they say that 30 years earlier? Why are they saying I lost the election exactly today, after the counting the votes?”

According to Mr. Moore, the statement that he lost the election is a last-ditch effort of Democrats to stop him from winning.

“It is politically motivated,” he said. “I see no other reason why they would be saying this. This is a vicious, politically-motivated lie.”

President Trump promptly threw his support behind the Republican candidate as soon as the election results became public, saying that he believed Mr. Moore when the latter claimed he did not lose the election.

“Look, he denies it,” said Trump. “He denies it. He says he did not lose. You have to look at it from his point of view too.”

Source: Roy Moore Denies Misconduct Allegations [Fox News]

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

Roy Moore to Sponsor Female Teen Incarcerations

Alabama Republican hopeful Roy Moore announced that he is launching an urgent initiative that encourages female teens to commit minor crimes and further assists the Alabama judicial system with their quick incarceration.

“Female teens of 14-16 years of age desperately need the experiences that a co-ed Alabama prison can offer,” stated Moore. “Alabama has not been doing enough to facilitate those kinds of experiences.”

Mr. Moore made it very clear that he has no interest in discriminating against teens on the basis of race.

“My Republican colleagues have typically sponsored programs that help Black teens get into prison,” he said. “I, personally, don’t support that at this exact moment in time. I believe that blond or brunette Caucasian females need the prison experience just as much as teens of other races and backgrounds.”

While Mr. Moore acknowledges that the timing of his initiative may not be ideal, he believes that late is better than never.

“There will be those who try to link my initiative to recent false accusations made by non-Fox-News media,” he said. “These accusations have been nothing but politically motivated lies.”

Moore insisted that his initiative is urgent for completely unrelated reasons, and that he does not expect to be sent to the same exact prison where newly incarcerated female teens may start to be sent soon after.

“I am innocent,” he stated. “Still, one never knows about these things. Life if full of unpredictability.”

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news.

 

U.S. Military Expands Its Reach

The U.S. Military has started a marketing campaign appealing to a new target group in order to meet its goal of 80,000 new recruits before September 2018, reported Fox News**.

“We are now specifically targeting thanatophiles,” said Army Deputy Chief of Staff Lt. Gen. Thomas C. Seamands.

Thanatophiles, Seamands explained, are people who love death. The term comes from the Ancient Greek θάνατος (thánatos,death) and φίλος (phílos, dear, beloved).

Some thanatophiles are conscious practitioners. They deliberately seek opportunities to die, say, by frequently attempting suicide.

“The kind who love to die from firearms are ideal, but we are not limiting ourselves to only this kind,” shared Seamands.

Other thanatophiles are subconscious or ‘natural’ practitioners. Examples include people with certain types of mental illnesses.

“Recent effort of the Trump administration to release medical data of mental health patients to U.S. Military recruiters has been very helpful in identifying this type of recruit,” Seamands told us.

Finally, there is the type of thanatophile who wants to take other people with them as they die. Examples are the Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock or the Texas church shooter Devin Kelley.

“Prime, prime candidates for the military,” stated the Lt. General. “We have special web forums that speak to them directly, using their language, and painting their type of images of death.”

For a full list of all targeted thanatophiles, please see the Fox News Article quoted below.

Targeted advertising tells a thanatophile exactly what they want to hear, namely, that joining the U.S. Army under the leadership of President Trump is an almost certain death. Such advertising is expected to lead to high conversion rates and ultimately to a easily fulfilled Army quota before the target deadline.

There is only one catch, added Army spokesman Lt. Col. Randy Taylor, who had, until then, been only listening to the interview.

“As President Trump clearly stated in his Executive Order, none of these people can be gay, lesbian or transgender,” he said. “We need people who are eager to die, but only if they know for certain which bathroom to use, and only if they practice regular, missionary style, man-on-top-of-woman, only in the dark, and only for the purpose of procreation sex.”

 

**Source: Army Lifts Ban on Cutters, Mentally Ill and Drug Abusers to Meet Recruiting Goals (Fox News)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently, as in this case, inspired by very, very real quotes and news.