Trump Meets with President of Texas

Following the unprecedented devastation inflicted on Texas by hurricane Harvey, U.S. President Donald J. Trump today announced that he has met with the President of Texas to discuss how he can help with the effort to rebuild.

“He was such a nice guy,” Trump recounted, “such a nice, friendly guy, who loves me by the way, totally loves me. He asked me for help. I told him I would do everything I can, pull out all resources out of Puerto Rico, who doesn’t need them, we did a great job there, and help him out.”

Asked by our crew what the name of the President of Texas is, Trump waved at his security detail, who escorted our journalist out of the conference room.

Source: President Trump Talks to the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands (Newsweek)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Trump Generously Helps Puerto Ricans with Beautiful Soft Paper Towels

President Donald J. Trump went well out of his way to help the victims of disaster-stricken Puerto Rico. During his visit of the devastated island, he made sure Puerto Ricans have all they need to retain the highest quality life despite the damage left behind by hurricane Maria.

An endearing moment, which Puerto Ricans loved so much that they screamed from the top of their lungs was when President Trump threw out at them what they needed most: the highest quality, super-absorbent, quilted paper towels, made of the finest paper from real trees cut from protected areas of the Amazon forest.

“They had these beautiful, soft towels. Very good towels,” Trump said. “And I came in and there was a crowd of a lot of people. And they were screaming and they were loving everything. I was having fun, they were having fun. They said, ‘Throw ’em to me! Throw ’em to me Mr. President!'”**

Paper towels were the last item that Puerto Ricans had not been able to procure after all of their basic needs: food, clothing and shelter have been met. They had planned an elaborate elegant reception of their most favorite President ever, complete with fountains of champagne and gold-plated silverware, but there was one item that was missing.

“We just didn’t have the right paper towels –” said hurricane victim Jose Rodriguez Gato, who had lost his home and all his belongings in the disaster. “– the kind of paper towels that are worthy of this President. President Trump was wise and graceful to bring exactly the right kind to us and to toss them out for the crowd to playfully fight over.”

The crowd had shown their appreciation to Mr. Trump’s generosity with a “deafening”** cheer.

** Indicates real quotes

Source: President Trump Brags about Quality of Paper Towels (Business Insider)

Source: Video of Actual Interview of Mr. Trump Where He Discusses Quality of Paper Towels and the Crowd’s Reaction (CNN)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Some articles, like this one, are based on real news (see sources), and, as is the case with this article, very close to the disturbing reality of this president and his administration.

U.S. Based Terrorist Organization Claims Responsibility for Attack

It did not take long for a terrorist organization to claim responsibility for the Las Vegas attack. U.S. based terrorist organization by the name of EN-AR-EI. (pronounced en-ar-ei) was quick to announce that the shooter was one of their own.

“One of our loyal soldiers, a brave lion, struck in the heart of the Liberal heaven of Nevada’s Democratic District 1,” said their statement. “We have punished the left-wing infidels, who take aim at our profits and our control of the U.S. Government.”

It is unusual for the EN-AR-EI to claim responsibility for attacks, even though they are, admittedly, largely responsible for most if not all of the gun-related terrorism in the United States. Their statement is an indication that they have been willing to evolve and learn from other terrorist organizations such as ISIS, who, even though more recent, has been using techniques such as using terror events they have committed for increased publicity and recruitment.

The EN-AR-EI, similarly to other terrorist groups, has a relatively clear agenda. Their goals, not in any particular order, are:

  • Money: Profit from selling as many and as deadly weapons as possible to U.S. citizens, non-U.S. citizens, visitors, random passers by, mentally unstable individuals, individuals with known criminal history or other terrorist organizations.
  • Control: Ensure that all Republicans, and some of the corruptible Democrats in Congress have been bribed generously so they would continue to support their cause as they have been doing so far.
  • Marketing: Opportunistically use acts of terror such as the Nevada massacre to instill fear in the hearts of Americans, which in turn can be used as means to sell more weapons under the false pretext that they can somehow be used for protection; a statement that has not been true for more than 99% of the gun related deaths.
  • Money: Yes, this one is worth stating a second time. It’s all about how much money they can make, how much money they can give to corrupted Congress members who would further support their cause, and how much money they can spend defending their goals of instilling fear in the hearts of Americans.

Intermediate goals that help their long term agenda have been:

  • Ensuring there is no control of any kind of who can buy deadly weapons.
  • Ensuring that there is no control how deadly of weapons individuals can own
  • Ensuring there are no background checks on the mental health or criminal history of individuals willing to spend money on weapons
  • Ensuring there is no information available on how many and how deadly weapons an individual possesses
  • Ensuring there is absolutely nothing that would prevent individuals from purchasing weapons as deadly as they wish, as many such weapons as they wish, with no checks and tracking of any kind, so that such individuals can, on their own decision, commit terrifying terrorist acts as means of advertising and marketing of more weapons.

The EN-AR-EI, though much more deadly than other terrorist organizations such as ISIS, enjoys several of very important advantages that put them ahead of their competition. They are a) legal, b) not officially listed as a terrorist organization yet, c) have the support of the U.S. Government, including all Republicans and some Democrats in Congress, and the current President of the United States himself.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump: Las Vegas Shooting is Act of Pure Evil

President Trump was quick to condemn the Las Vegas shooting on Monday morning.

“This was an act of pure evil,” he read carefully from his teleprompter in his official televised White House response to the Las Vegas massacre, watching for opportunities to go off script, which he could not find because of the vigilant watch of his staff.

Later in the day, when taking a deserved bathroom break, he provided more details.

“There is blame on both sides,” he tweeted before it was time for him to wipe. “I have no doubt about it, and you don’t have any doubt about it. And if you reported it accurately, you would say it.**”

“There were good people on both sides,” he clarified while still sitting on the throne of his locked bathroom, on the door of which there had been alarmed knocks by his staff, urging him to finish his bathroom business swiftly. “And bad people too. Very bad people.”

He was unable to tweet more, as his bathroom recreational trip was regrettably over and his cell phone was taken away for its daily “routine maintenance”, which typically lasts unknown number of hours, just enough to somehow prevent Mr. Trump from tweeting his mind before the aforementioned mind drifts off to something else.

** Exact quote from Mr. Trump’s response to the Charlottesville massacre.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

 

President Trump Donates Generously

Earlier on Sunday, 10/1, President Donald J. Trump announced a generous donation to the National Rifle Association (NRA) to help the relief efforts in disaster-stricken Puerto Rico.

“I have donated,” he announced, speaking from his golf club at Bedminster, New Jersey, where he had been enjoying a relaxing weekend, “lots of money to the one organization that will help contain the crime levels in Puerto Rico. There are bad, bad people there, folks. Bad people, taking advantage of the situation there.”

Earlier, in a different act of selfless generosity,  Mr. Trump had donated his golf trophy to the people of Puerto Rico.

The President expressed his sincere regret that he had been unable to tweet about his new donation, as his staff had quickly logged him off of his Twitter account on his cell phone, the only device which he is still able to carry unsupervised. It usually takes the President some time to re-log in his account, as this is a complex process.

Mr. Trump, who used public funds as the source for his recent donation to the NRA, had acted solely on his own goodwill, without consulting any of his advisors.

The NRA is President Trump’s preferred charity to which he not only gives, but from which he also frequently receives reciprocated contributions.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Hillary Lies, Again. Donald Tells It As It Is.

The Second Presidential debate of Presidential Election 2016, hosted in Washington University in St. Louis, MO, and moderated by CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz, highlighted, once again, the poignant issues and personality differences between the two debating candidates.

Never had these differences and traits been more apparent than during the candidates’ closing statements, which, befittingly, solidified and put an emphatic exclamation mark on their positions and beliefs.

Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton ended the debate, once again, with an outward lie.

“I respect his children,” she said. “His children are incredibly able and devoted.”

American voters reeled from the obvious falsehood of her statement. A simple Google check on Donald Trump, or his children, is sufficient for American voters to understand how insincere and untrue Hillary’s statement was.

Donald John Trump, on the other hand, told it exactly as it is:

“She doesn’t quit,” he said. “She doesn’t give up. I tell it like it is. She’s a fighter.”

He stopped short of sharing his sincere belief that Ms. Clinton will be the next President of the United States, but American audiences who are used to his usual subtle and modest way of expression had no difficulty understanding his implied message.

#debates #debates2016

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump: “My Words Don’t Reflect Who I Am”

Early Friday morning, following the release of a damaging tape that sent his reputation on a downward spiral, Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump stood in front of the American people on T.V., humble and apologetic.

“My words don’t reflect who I am,” he stated for everyone’s assurance. “What I said on that tape, and what I have been saying many times after, and what I will continue to say, has nothing to do with me. It’s not a reflection of me.”

“My actions don’t reflect who I am,” continued the candidate. “Don’t judge me by my actions. They are just actions, things I do. They are not the real me.”

“My thoughts also don’t reflect who I am,” Trump re-assured his voters. “Nothing I do, or say, or think really shows who I am. Trust me, folks, trust me. That’s the truth.”

“I am someone completely different,” he concluded his apologetic speech. “I am a very, very different person from what my words, or actions, or thoughts show. And that is tremendous. It’s tremendous, folks. We are going to do tremendous things.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

“Obama Shat in My Pants”, Mitch McConnell

On Friday, 9/30/16, Senate Majority Leader and United States Senator from Kentucky Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell found an unexpected piece of excrement in the seat of his pants. The piece had presumably appeared there the day before during his participation in one of the increasingly infrequent sessions of the United States Senate.

“I have no idea how it got there,” Mr. McConnell was quoted stating. “I mean, I did what I usually do in these sessions. Usually, what I produce is placed in the seat of other people’s pants. But this time, this didn’t happen. It’s disgusting, really.”

While Mr. McConnell feels “strange” about what happened, he is clear and obvious to him who is to blame.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this was Obama’s doing,” said McConnell. “Not a shred of doubt,” he stated with his characteristic long-faced stare. “Obama is the one who shat in my pants.”

Source: Senators Blame Obama for Not Helping Them Understand Their Own Bill

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Poll Finds Trump, Clinton Tied

Zbinek Gjdanovski, a national of the Republic of Poland, was just looking for a restroom when he walked into the Royal Payne hotel in Manhattan, NYC. He walked past the concierge, where a small line of men dressed in dark business suits had lined up patiently. He walked past the dark, green marble reception desk, where a busy receptionist was chatting away on the phone with a professional expression on his clean shaven face. Finally, he turned a corner and walked into what he believed would be a restroom.

He found himself in a luxurious, posh decorated hotel room, with its heavy, plush crimson curtains drawn shut. The only light came from a small, red bed lamp with hanging golden macramé, which reflected in the mirrored ceiling.

On the heavy mahogany bed, naked, lay the current Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump and the current Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. They were tied by the wrists with soft, velvet ropes, facing each other, on opposing headboards.

The two Presidential Candidates were slightly surprised by the visitor, and asked if he were by any chance Ruby Cream, the dressed-as-a-male lady they had both been expecting. Finding that Zbinek was just a random walk-in, the two hastily asked if he would be interested in getting $15,000 for a short game of “Follow My Presidential Orders”. When Mr. Gjdanovski politely declined, the two commanded him to leave and keep his mouth shut or else “the Second Amendement People” would take care of him. The latter statement came from Mr. Trump.

Correction: Our writing staff just found out that the word “poll”, spelled “p-o-l-l”, in the title, actually refers to a questionnaire sent out to potential voters, and not, as they initially assumed, to a citizen of Polish nationality, which would have been spelled “P-o-l-e”. There was a similar misunderstanding of the term “tied”. News Sense News is therefore withdrawing this story and apologizing for any inadvertent misunderstanding it may have caused.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news.

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Post Correction:

Due to the correction above, our team has been unable to share the alleged photo of this alleged occurrence, now found to be due to simple title misunderstanding. Had this misunderstanding not taken place, we would have shared the following photo with you to illustrate what Mr. Gjdanovski encountered when he mistakenly entered this unexpected hotel room.

hands_tied_to_bed

Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

On Tuesday, 8/2, Eric Trump, the son of Republican presidential nominee Donald John Trump, shared with reporters that his dad had already apologized to the grieving Gold Star family of Khizr Khan, whom Trump had insulted over their impassioned speech in support of his rival Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“He did,” confirmed Eric Trump with the same conviction and certainty as his father. “He offered Mr. Khan a public apology.” (see CNN source article below).

Trump, of course, has not.

“My dad also already released his tax returns,” continued the younger Trump in a manner that very much resembled that of his father. “They are already out there, publicly available,” he said, looking at the camera without blinking.

They, of course, are not.

“My father never said that Russia should have their hackers look for Hillary Clinton’s emails,” continued his statement the younger Trump, emphasizing the word never. “He also never said that Mexicans are rapists, or that a Latino judge is disqualified to judge him because he is a Latino,” he said, despite videos of his father making exactly these statements, broadcast by most major outlets in the country.

“He was never endorsed by the KKK leader David Duke, or by the Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, or by the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un,” declared further Trump’s son, despite the fact that his father has received exactly those endorsements.

“And finally, he has never, ever mentioned that he will be building a wall on the Mexican border,” said the younger Trump.

“Never,” he repeated.

Fox News published the entire interview to ensure Republican voters are aware of the truth about Donald Trump. All other news outlets, Fox stated, every single one of them, all over the world, in U.S. and internationally, without any exception, are making up lies to make the candidate they have been paid to promote appear unfit for the U.S. Presidency.

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Source (CNN): Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

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Also relevant: North Korea Endorses Donald Trump for President