Epstein Documents Commit Self-Deletion

On Monday, August 12, a large number of documents detailing information on convicted pedophile Jeffrey Edward Epstein were found unresponsive on the server where they had been hosted for future use in Epstein’s sex trafficking charges.

The documents, which detailed years of abuse, and held information about a wide-ranging sex trafficking conspiracy involving high-profile figures such as Donald John Trump and U.K.’s Prince Andrew, had been previously placed on the server under strict observation of self-deletion to ensure their safety.

Early Monday morning, an employee of the Justice Department attempted to access the documents, and after an approximately 2 minute wait, she received a timeout. The documents were pronounced deleted via apparent self-deletion shortly after.

It was not immediately clear how documents at high risk of self-deletion were allowed to commit self-deletion. Earlier, following an alleged earlier attempt of self-deletion that failed, the documents had been placed on an around-the-clock self-deletion watch on the server. That watch had, however, been called off prior to the time the self-deletion had taken place.

Justice Department Attorney General William Pelham Barr called the apparent self-deletion “appalling” and promised a thorough investigation into the circumstanced surrounding the self-deletion.

“I am assigning one of my own trusted employees,” Barr shared, “and he will dedicate time investigating this terrible failure of our country’s computer system.”

The unnamed employee would start his investigation sometime next year, as soon as he is back from a long family vacation, and he is expected to spend several minutes of his first day back in the office digging through whatever information remains available on the server at that time.

In the meanwhile, Barr said, the country would continue to get regular updates on the status of any future developments by Fox News and the National Enquirer.

– – –

News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often, as in this case, inspired by very, very real news.

 

Pence Has Harsh Words for Cardinal Pell

Vice President Michael Richard “Mike” Pence does not speak up often, but when he does, he makes his words count.

This past Saturday, he came out of his almost two-year silence to say some unusually harsh words for Cardinal George Pell, the Australian Catholic priest who was convicted of sexual abuse of children.

“The Cardinal made mistakes,” said Pence. “Serious mistakes. Mistakes that no priest or politician should make.”

“One should never, ever allow oneself to get caught when sexually abusing children,” continued Pence. “At least not until we establish a kingdom of God on Earth, that is, a society based on strict Christian values and laws.”

Other gods, he admitted, may not be comfortable with sexual abuse of children. Not the God he, Pence, believes in though, he confirmed. That God, which, he explained, is the only real God, is ok with sexual abuse of children, as long as the child is not participating actively*.

“But, let’s not jump the gun. We are not there yet,” admitted Pence. “Until society is as God intended it to be, if someone is proven to have abused children sexually beyond a reasonable doubt, one should, unfortunately, face consequences.”

Asked what kind of sentence he, Pence, would recommend for someone like Cardinal Pell, Pence answered without flinching.

“At least 30 seconds in jail. At least. This should teach others to be extra careful about getting caught.”

– – –

* This is, actually, a quote from the lawyer of Cardinal Pell, who, allegedly, believed his reasoning could resonate with either the judge or the jury sentencing Pell, or both, for a more lenient sentence.

– – –

News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is often inspired by very, very real news. In some cases, as in this one, it uses harsh imagery to expose the true face of our politicians, just as a caricature exaggerates reality to make a statement. Quotes below the dashed line are real.

High School Couple Conceives Accidentally at Party Via IVF

For Jason and Annie from Tribune, Kansas, it was just a late night Christian party at the house of a friend whose parents were out of town. Everyone was having a good time, drinking lemonade and discussing the Holy Book.

It was a month or so later when Annie discovered she was pregnant.

“I seem to remember meeting this IVF specialist at the party,” she recalled. “At least we think he must have been an IVF specialist,” she added.

“It might have been the amount of lemonade we all had, but when the IVF specialist asked Jason to provide a sperm sample, Jason just went ahead and gave him one,” she said.  “Well, at least we think he must have given him one, even though we are not sure when or how” she added.

It didn’t end there though. There was more to come.

“I remember being in the kitchen later,” said Annie. “We were quoting passages from the Old Testament. It must have been then when the IVF specialist must have extracted one of my eggs while I wasn’t paying attention,” she said.

One thing led to another. Some probably heretic scientific procedures must have taken place in the back room, but when it was all over, the IVF specialist had successfully implanted a fertilized egg into Annie’s uterus.

She went home late that day and felt exhausted in church the next morning. A month later, she realized she was pregnant.

It was initially unclear how this had happened. Jason and Annie were not married at the time, so, it was completely impossible for them to have had sex at that party or at any other time.

To figure out what actually happened so they can explain it to their parents, the two of them spent a lot of time praying. Finally, via mutual recollection and deduction, they succeeded to piece up the story that they are now telling everyone, so that no one assumes erroneously that they had sinned.

How did the two of them know that the person they met was an IVF specialist?

“To be honest, we don’t actually know that,” admitted Jason. “But that is the only explanation. Only this way, unmarried virgins like Annie and myself could have suddenly become expecting parents. One doesn’t need a proof when this is the only possible option.”

To deal with the unexpected situation, the couple had to get married in a church. They did so, even though Jason’s family believes in the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, while Annie’s believes in the New Revised Standard Version, so, an exception had to be made.

Technically, the couple is now allowed to have sex if it is absolutely necessary, but since they are already expecting a baby, there has been no need for them to have sex at all.

As is customary in cases like this, someone always asks the question why God permitted this to happen?

“We think that God meant this to be a lesson to us and everyone,” said Jason. “We think, God’s message is: we should be very careful whom we talk to at parties.”

– – –

News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

– – –

See also: Kansas: The First State to Teach Correct Theory of Babies