Trump Appointee Rian Johnson Makes Star Wars Great Again

Everyone knows how disappointing the Star Wars saga has been for Americans ever since its very inception, reported Fox News early Saturday, one day after the Premiere of “The Last Jedi”, the latest installment of the Star Wars saga.

That is no more, said Fox News. President Donald John Trump had taken it personally to intervene and Make Star Wars Great Again. Earlier in the year, he had appointed writer and director Rian Johnson to take charge of the franchise, and ensure that it is finally and permanently fixed in the upcoming Episode VIII.

Everything President Trump touches turns into pure gold, stated Fox News. The Last Jedi is no exception.

“The best movie ever!” stated randomly selected by Fox News “Star Wars” fan Buck Cornhauler from rural Alabama, who went to the movies for the first time in twenty years with a ticket sponsored by Fox News, just so he could see the result of Donald Trump’s effort.

Buck admitted that he had never actually seen any of the other Star Wars movies, nor, for that matter, any movie at all over the last 20 years, but he has always been a big fan, as he had been told by the crew of Fox News who paid him to interview him.

Fox News stated that Buck’s experience is the experience of every American. Indeed, they stated, The Last Jedi is not only the best movie of the franchise, but possibly the best movie of all times.

They offered a careful recommendation. All their viewers, they said, should purchase tickets for the movie, but not actually see it, because seeing a movie so great could  spoil every single movie they try to see at any time after that.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

 

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Trump Generously Helps Puerto Ricans with Beautiful Soft Paper Towels

President Donald J. Trump went well out of his way to help the victims of disaster-stricken Puerto Rico. During his visit of the devastated island, he made sure Puerto Ricans have all they need to retain the highest quality life despite the damage left behind by hurricane Maria.

An endearing moment, which Puerto Ricans loved so much that they screamed from the top of their lungs was when President Trump threw out at them what they needed most: the highest quality, super-absorbent, quilted paper towels, made of the finest paper from real trees cut from protected areas of the Amazon forest.

“They had these beautiful, soft towels. Very good towels,” Trump said. “And I came in and there was a crowd of a lot of people. And they were screaming and they were loving everything. I was having fun, they were having fun. They said, ‘Throw ’em to me! Throw ’em to me Mr. President!'”**

Paper towels were the last item that Puerto Ricans had not been able to procure after all of their basic needs: food, clothing and shelter have been met. They had planned an elaborate elegant reception of their most favorite President ever, complete with fountains of champagne and gold-plated silverware, but there was one item that was missing.

“We just didn’t have the right paper towels –” said hurricane victim Jose Rodriguez Gato, who had lost his home and all his belongings in the disaster. “– the kind of paper towels that are worthy of this President. President Trump was wise and graceful to bring exactly the right kind to us and to toss them out for the crowd to playfully fight over.”

The crowd had shown their appreciation to Mr. Trump’s generosity with a “deafening”** cheer.

** Indicates real quotes

Source: President Trump Brags about Quality of Paper Towels (Business Insider)

Source: Video of Actual Interview of Mr. Trump Where He Discusses Quality of Paper Towels and the Crowd’s Reaction (CNN)

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. Some articles, like this one, are based on real news (see sources), and, as is the case with this article, very close to the disturbing reality of this president and his administration.

U.S. Based Terrorist Organization Claims Responsibility for Attack

It did not take long for a terrorist organization to claim responsibility for the Las Vegas attack. U.S. based terrorist organization by the name of EN-AR-EI. (pronounced en-ar-ei) was quick to announce that the shooter was one of their own.

“One of our loyal soldiers, a brave lion, struck in the heart of the Liberal heaven of Nevada’s Democratic District 1,” said their statement. “We have punished the left-wing infidels, who take aim at our profits and our control of the U.S. Government.”

It is unusual for the EN-AR-EI to claim responsibility for attacks, even though they are, admittedly, largely responsible for most if not all of the gun-related terrorism in the United States. Their statement is an indication that they have been willing to evolve and learn from other terrorist organizations such as ISIS, who, even though more recent, has been using techniques such as using terror events they have committed for increased publicity and recruitment.

The EN-AR-EI, similarly to other terrorist groups, has a relatively clear agenda. Their goals, not in any particular order, are:

  • Money: Profit from selling as many and as deadly weapons as possible to U.S. citizens, non-U.S. citizens, visitors, random passers by, mentally unstable individuals, individuals with known criminal history or other terrorist organizations.
  • Control: Ensure that all Republicans, and some of the corruptible Democrats in Congress have been bribed generously so they would continue to support their cause as they have been doing so far.
  • Marketing: Opportunistically use acts of terror such as the Nevada massacre to instill fear in the hearts of Americans, which in turn can be used as means to sell more weapons under the false pretext that they can somehow be used for protection; a statement that has not been true for more than 99% of the gun related deaths.
  • Money: Yes, this one is worth stating a second time. It’s all about how much money they can make, how much money they can give to corrupted Congress members who would further support their cause, and how much money they can spend defending their goals of instilling fear in the hearts of Americans.

Intermediate goals that help their long term agenda have been:

  • Ensuring there is no control of any kind of who can buy deadly weapons.
  • Ensuring that there is no control how deadly of weapons individuals can own
  • Ensuring there are no background checks on the mental health or criminal history of individuals willing to spend money on weapons
  • Ensuring there is no information available on how many and how deadly weapons an individual possesses
  • Ensuring there is absolutely nothing that would prevent individuals from purchasing weapons as deadly as they wish, as many such weapons as they wish, with no checks and tracking of any kind, so that such individuals can, on their own decision, commit terrifying terrorist acts as means of advertising and marketing of more weapons.

The EN-AR-EI, though much more deadly than other terrorist organizations such as ISIS, enjoys several of very important advantages that put them ahead of their competition. They are a) legal, b) not officially listed as a terrorist organization yet, c) have the support of the U.S. Government, including all Republicans and some Democrats in Congress, and the current President of the United States himself.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

President Trump Donates Generously

Earlier on Sunday, 10/1, President Donald J. Trump announced a generous donation to the National Rifle Association (NRA) to help the relief efforts in disaster-stricken Puerto Rico.

“I have donated,” he announced, speaking from his golf club at Bedminster, New Jersey, where he had been enjoying a relaxing weekend, “lots of money to the one organization that will help contain the crime levels in Puerto Rico. There are bad, bad people there, folks. Bad people, taking advantage of the situation there.”

Earlier, in a different act of selfless generosity,  Mr. Trump had donated his golf trophy to the people of Puerto Rico.

The President expressed his sincere regret that he had been unable to tweet about his new donation, as his staff had quickly logged him off of his Twitter account on his cell phone, the only device which he is still able to carry unsupervised. It usually takes the President some time to re-log in his account, as this is a complex process.

Mr. Trump, who used public funds as the source for his recent donation to the NRA, had acted solely on his own goodwill, without consulting any of his advisors.

The NRA is President Trump’s preferred charity to which he not only gives, but from which he also frequently receives reciprocated contributions.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to highlight, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump: “My Words Don’t Reflect Who I Am”

Early Friday morning, following the release of a damaging tape that sent his reputation on a downward spiral, Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump stood in front of the American people on T.V., humble and apologetic.

“My words don’t reflect who I am,” he stated for everyone’s assurance. “What I said on that tape, and what I have been saying many times after, and what I will continue to say, has nothing to do with me. It’s not a reflection of me.”

“My actions don’t reflect who I am,” continued the candidate. “Don’t judge me by my actions. They are just actions, things I do. They are not the real me.”

“My thoughts also don’t reflect who I am,” Trump re-assured his voters. “Nothing I do, or say, or think really shows who I am. Trust me, folks, trust me. That’s the truth.”

“I am someone completely different,” he concluded his apologetic speech. “I am a very, very different person from what my words, or actions, or thoughts show. And that is tremendous. It’s tremendous, folks. We are going to do tremendous things.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Poll Finds Trump, Clinton Tied

Zbinek Gjdanovski, a national of the Republic of Poland, was just looking for a restroom when he walked into the Royal Payne hotel in Manhattan, NYC. He walked past the concierge, where a small line of men dressed in dark business suits had lined up patiently. He walked past the dark, green marble reception desk, where a busy receptionist was chatting away on the phone with a professional expression on his clean shaven face. Finally, he turned a corner and walked into what he believed would be a restroom.

He found himself in a luxurious, posh decorated hotel room, with its heavy, plush crimson curtains drawn shut. The only light came from a small, red bed lamp with hanging golden macramé, which reflected in the mirrored ceiling.

On the heavy mahogany bed, naked, lay the current Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump and the current Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. They were tied by the wrists with soft, velvet ropes, facing each other, on opposing headboards.

The two Presidential Candidates were slightly surprised by the visitor, and asked if he were by any chance Ruby Cream, the dressed-as-a-male lady they had both been expecting. Finding that Zbinek was just a random walk-in, the two hastily asked if he would be interested in getting $15,000 for a short game of “Follow My Presidential Orders”. When Mr. Gjdanovski politely declined, the two commanded him to leave and keep his mouth shut or else “the Second Amendement People” would take care of him. The latter statement came from Mr. Trump.

Correction: Our writing staff just found out that the word “poll”, spelled “p-o-l-l”, in the title, actually refers to a questionnaire sent out to potential voters, and not, as they initially assumed, to a citizen of Polish nationality, which would have been spelled “P-o-l-e”. There was a similar misunderstanding of the term “tied”. News Sense News is therefore withdrawing this story and apologizing for any inadvertent misunderstanding it may have caused.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news.

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Post Correction:

Due to the correction above, our team has been unable to share the alleged photo of this alleged occurrence, now found to be due to simple title misunderstanding. Had this misunderstanding not taken place, we would have shared the following photo with you to illustrate what Mr. Gjdanovski encountered when he mistakenly entered this unexpected hotel room.

hands_tied_to_bed

Diverse Crowd Attending the RNC

This year’s Republican National Convention in Cleveland, OH, featured a diverse crowd cheering for the recently anointed Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump.

There were people wearing blue, white, or even gray shirts and jackets. A few had ties, and some wore nametags.

“This is us!” said emotional current Speaker of the House and RNC moderator Paul Davis Ryan, looking at the diversity of genders and hairstyles. “These are the people we represent. These are the people for which we will make America great again.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump: I Would be a Better Boxer than Ali

Following his Thursday night statement that he would be a better choice for women than female Presidential nominee, feminist, and women’s rights champion Hillary Rodham Clinton,  presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump stated that he would make a better boxer than recently diseased heavyweight world champion and boxing legend Muhammad Ali.

“You know this is true, folks,” said Trump. “You know it is true. You tell me, who is a better boxer than Donald Trump?”

Asked if he had ever boxed in his life, Trump said.

“Look, I don’t talk about it, ok?” he said. “I’m just gonna do it. I’ll do it. People tell me that all the time. I’m just gonna do it. And it will be tremendous.”

Later that day, Trump went on to further claim that he would also be a better singer than American rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

Amazed Marco Rubio Visits the United States Capitol

A wide-eyed Marco Rubio, Junior U.S. Senator from Florida and former contender for the Republican presidential nomination, was seen entering the United States Capitol early Thursday morning.

“Wow,” he was heard saying, shaking his head in amazement. “Just wow! Such an awesome building!”

Rubio’s visit lasted more than an hour, during which the U.S. Senator spend time marveling at the art and murals displayed in the Capitol Rotunda, as well as admiring the magnificent fresco painted on the interior of the Capital Dome by the Italian/Greek American artist Constantino Brumidi in 1865.

“I’m so glad I took this trip,” Rubio told reporters. “Seeing this historic building with my own eyes has been a transforming experience. I will surely remember this moment for the rest of my life.”

The reason for Rubio’s trip has been his recent consideration whether or not he should seek another term as a U.S. Senator.

“It’s a tough decision,” confessed Rubio, “but seeing the building where I’m supposed to be working might just tilt the balance one way or the other.”

Rubio admitted that while serving as a U.S. senator he had had multiple opportunities to visit the Capitol and even vote during some of the numerous sessions of Congress which had taken place while he was a U.S. Senator. However, he had not found the time or interest to take advantage of these opportunities earlier.

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he lamented, “and this place is kind of far from where I live. But who knows, maybe I’ll run for Senator again, and maybe I’ll end up visiting this place a second time at some point in the future. It’s worth it, it’s totally worth it!”

He pointed at “The Apotheosis of Washington“, an elaborate painting of a deified version of George Washington surrounded by 13 maidens, and at “Frieze of American History“, a similarly spectacular painting depicting the chronological history of the United States from the landing of Christopher Columbus to the first flight of the Wright Brothers.

“Someone spent a lot of time painting these,” he observed. “This wasn’t your regular paint-job contractor. Even I can tell that.”

Mr. Rubio’s visit may very well play a role in his upcoming decision. He plans to announce his future office plans within at most a few months.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

 

 

Donald Trump to Build Wall Inside United States Capitol

It is no secret that presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump has not been particularly popular neither amongst the members of his own party, nor amongst their Democratic counterparts in Congress. Yet, he appeared to not be concerned at all of that fact in our Wednesday interview.

“That’s ok folks,” he downplayed the opposition he was facing. “That’s ok. Because, you know what? When we win this election – and we will win it, mark my words, we will win it – we will build a wall. We will build a wall in the middle of Congress. And it will be a tremendous wall.”

We asked Mr. Trump to explain the purpose of his new wall.

“It’s very simple,” explained the presumptive Republican nominee. “Those who disagree will be on one side. And those who agree – and there will be many, folks, believe me, there will be hundreds, maybe thousands Congressmen who will agree with me, we are the majority, we care about this country – those who agree will stand on the other side with me. And we will work together. We will be the best team America ever had. We will work together to make this country great again.”

Asked about the rationale behind his unprecedented idea, Mr. Trump offered an explanation.

“Look,” he said. “When Democrats, or establishment Republicans – which, by the way, is the same thing, really, it’s the same thing, especially when they are Latinos – when these people send anyone to Congress, they are not sending their best. They are sending people that have lots of problems. They are bringing drugs. They are bringing crime. They are rapists. And some, I assume, may be good people.”

We reminded Mr. Trump that Congress has been lawfully elected to represent the people of America, and that it is more in need of unity than of more divisive measures which would only render it even more ineffective and impotent.

“The wall just got 6 feet higher,” warned Trump.

We had to end the interview early out of concern that if his wall were to grow even a bit more, it could cause structural damage to the United State Capitol, which, among other things, is a historical monument.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant: Democrats Distracting Americans from the Most Relevant Issues