In an unprecedented address to the nation, Surgeon General Jerome Adams warned Americans of the dangers of playing a newly suggested drinking game inviting participants to drink every time Fox News mentions the words “Socialist” or “Socialism” in the upcoming election 2020 cycle.
“Our projections indicate that this game could result in severe alcohol poisoning and/or death of approximately 63 million Americans,” Adams, a Donal Trump appointee, warned. “More importantly,” he added, “These would be exactly the wrong 63 million of Americans to die before the 2020 election.”
Asked to explain, Adams provided more details.
“First,” he said, “this game would be played exclusively by viewers of Fox News, a group that president Trump and his trusted advisors care deeply to keep alive.”
“Second,” he said, “Fox News recently obtained a license for the unlimited use of the exact words named in the game: Socialist and Socialism. Initial projections are that these two words alone would constitute more than 95% of all words the network would be using in the next several months to ensure every single Fox viewer had heard them at least 68,000 times prior to Election Day.”
For those unfamiliar with the science behind it, hearing the same word 68,000 times has been shown to result in 100% obedience in dogs.
“Finally,” Adams concluded, “This game is projected to result in the disproportional deaths of people with reasoning issues, alcohol abuse issues, anger issues, and issues of general self-control, which are critical for the re-election of our God-given president.”
Fox News was quick to air the warning and add its own alarm to it. “While drinking, just like smoking or giving loaded weapons to toddlers, has no negative effect on people, this particular game could result in Fox News losing business, which this country cannot afford,” said Tucker Carlson, a news anchor of Fox News and head of its newly formed Department of Truth.
President Trump also chimed in with a Tweet. “Why is Obama not in jail for this?” he asked, despite the fact that the game had been suggested by none other than his own pick for the Supreme Court, the Honorable Brett Michael Kavanaugh, after a night of heavy drinking and other alcohol experimentation, not necessarily always oral. Mr. Kavanaugh had since retracted his suggestion, partly because he had been briefly sober, and partly because he had no recollection of making it.
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