Tom Cruise Discovers Evidence of Extraterrestrial Life

In a surprise announcement today, Thomas (“Tom”) Cruise Mapother IV revealed that he has definitive proof of the existence of extraterrestrial life.

“It’s clear if you know where to look,” shared the Mission Impossible action star confidentially.

We wanted to know what helped the reclusive actor gain insight into something that the rest of mankind had been failing to prove, despite the work of many competent scientists.

“I’ve got access to classified information,” said Mr. Cruise mysteriously.

We urged him to provide details.

“Ok,” he agreed reluctantly. “I’ve stumbled on a secret TV transmission,” he admitted. “One of the channels on my TV somehow got a signal from a secret government research. That research is done by two FBI agents, who just know everything about aliens.”

We asked if Mr. Cruise is referring to the popular TV Series The X-files with protagonists Mulder and Scully.

“Shhhh,” nearly panicked Cruise. “No one is supposed to know about that. I don’t know how you got that classified information, but now that you know, your lives might be in danger.”

We thanked him for his time.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Note: This article pays tribute to the upcoming reboot of the X-files. Fans of the show can check out the following promoted sources:

Startling Results Found from the Autopsy of Exhumed Darth Vader

It had long been a matter of speculation what caused the most powerful Sith Lord, Darth Vader, to die after having his arm cut off by his son Luke Skywalker during the VI-th installement of the popular Star Wars saga. Indeed, Vader’s arms and limbs had been cut off multiple times earlier, and he had managed to have them replaced successfully by well engineered prosthetics, leaving him more machine than man, but with no other observable ill effects.

Still, in the fatal for him Episode VI, Return of the Jedi, Lord Vader appeared to grow weak and quickly die from a simple light saber amputation of one of his artificial prosthetic hands. Considering it wasn’t even his physical arm that had been cut off, it appeared unlikely that the Dark Lord had died from this almost harmless injury that under normal light saber fighting would be considered merely a scratch.

With that in mind, Lord Vader’s body (mostly a metal shell with barely anything organic in it) was exhumed and a small amount of organic material was successfully retrieved from his burnt helmet.

Analysis of the sample found a startling, but more logical cause of death.

Lord Vader appeared to have died of poisoning caused by frequent inhalation of Xenon, a colorless, odorless noble gas frequently used for entertainment at Dark Side parties.

Xenon, being denser than air, causes vocal chord vibrations to produce lower frequency sound waves, resulting in deeper and more evil sounding voice timber, which Dark Side supporters find particularly appealing both at planet-blowing celebrations and in their day-to-day evil routines.

Additionally, since it activates production of the transcription factor HIF-1-alpha, which leads to increased production of erythropoietin, Xenon can be used as a performance enhancing drug, which makes it popular among Dark Jedi who lead an active light saber fighting lifestyle.

Darth Vader had likely started inhaling Xenon as a teenager, while he was still being called Anakin Skywalker, as he was getting more and more drawn to the Dark Side, which was strong with him. Over time, this inhalation had become more than just a daily routine. Vader was known to always carry with him a pressurized Xenon container, which connected to the inside of his black helmet. The noble gas was released within Vader’s helmet every time he exercised his characteristic heavy breathing, giving him an energy boost, and making the timber of his voice low and scary.

Forensic Scientists who had retrieved the likely very last piece of organic matter from Darth Vader’s body did not stop their investigation at cause of death. The tiny amount of organic material was submitted to Vibrant Gene Consulting, an Earth-based Genetic company which, among other things, specializes in paternity testing. Running genetic tests on the last cells that remained of Vader was seen as the last opportunity to shed more light on the genetic makeup of the most powerful of the Sith Lords.

(The following might contain spoilers for future films in the Star Wars franchise, particularly films XVII and XVIII)

In a shocking turn of events, Darth Vader was found to not be Luke’s father after all, but was, instead, his uncle. Since twins ran in the Skywalker family, Anakin Skywalker had in fact been conceived in a twin pregnancy. Being a powerful Dark Side Lord from conception, Anakin had destroyed his fraternal twin in the early phases of his ontogenetic development. As a result, Anakin’s twin was never born, but cells from him had been absorbed in Anakin’s body, making him a chimera: a two-genome individual. It was his unborn brother’s genome that had impregnated Queen Amidala, technically making Vader’s unborn twin the real father of Luke and Leia.

We were glad that Darth Vader was dead, because he likely would have been angry at the surprising revelation. That being said, since the Dark Side of the Force gives rise to many abilities some consider to be unnatural, including the potential of bringing people back from the dead, there is a chance that Vader will come back to life around the XX-th installment of the saga. If so, it would be only a matter of time before Vader finds a way to punish his dead brother for fathering his lover’s children.

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

CGI Used to Enhance Tom Cruise in Most of His Movies

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Photo credited to Bo Bridges – © 2015 – Paramount Pictures

In a surprising revelation, movie studio Paramount admitted today that CGI was heavily used in all movies of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, including earlier movies like Top Gun.

“Well, it’s not a secret that movie directors use CGI to enhance aspects of actors that need a boost,” shared Mission Impossible director Christopher McQuarrie. “Actors are not perfect, and on the screen, we want them to appear perfect.”

CGI is believed to have been in a very early stage when Top Gun was filmed.

“Yes, at that time, it was all very primitive,” admitted McQuarrie. “We mostly just used bubble wrap and duct tape.”

But later, technology advanced, and special effects became the norm.

“Once we were able to use computers, enhancements got easier – and more sophisticated. Now, every Tom Cruise movie features new and enhanced Tom Cruise.”

What aspects of Tom Cruise specifically needed enhancement?

“Well, his brain, of course,” said McQuarrie, slightly surprised from our unawareness. “The rest of his body was acceptable for screen.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Makers of “Frozen” Admit to Causing Arctic Chill

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The makers of the movie Frozen, Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee, admitted on Wednesday that they are responsible for the chilling temperatures that have gripped Central and East U.S.

“It has been the best marketing campaign for the movie so far,” said Buck. “Downloads on Amazon and Netflix have more than tripled since the negative temperatures hit the nation.”

Mr. Buck and Ms. Lee came up with the idea ever since the Sony hack executed personally by Mr. Kim Jong-un (with his left hand, while he dribbled a basketball with his right) more than tripled the downloads of the controversial movie The Interview.

“Mr. Kim, who I have been told is actually a secret fan of The Interview because it allowed him to ‘come out’ to the world with the little known fact that he does not have an ass-hole,” said Jennifer Lee, “had come up with the ingenious promotion idea while also doing multivariate-calculus and composing love poetry in his head. He, in his infinite wisdom, saw clearly that banning the movie from theaters would in fact cause even those who never intended to see it to actually do their darndest and pay good money for a download.”

“We watched, and learned,” she said. “Promotion campaigns are everything. Hell, even someone like Marco Rubio could get elected in office after his campaign managers played Waterworld for a week on all public channels in Florida.”

“So, our special effects people got to work. A few more carbon emissions here, some deforestation in the Amazon, a few more Republicans in Congress to vote against the environment, and we now have the Arctic chill that’s done miracles for our cute little Andersen fairy tale.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

George Bush Gets Free Installation of Fiber at His Home

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An excited George W. Bush told the press today that he had gotten the deal of his life on an installation of fiber-optic internet and cable at his ranch in Texas.

“It was hard to believe,” he told us. “Cable companies charge an arm and a leg, and I got a top-of-the-line fiber opticals completely free!”

Mr. Bush got the amazing deal by chance. He was coming home after a round of golf, when he noticed through the window of his limo that the Secret Service detail guarding his ranch were holding three men at gunpoint.

“They were kinda short and thin,” recalled Bush. “I thought they were Chinese, because they looked Chinese.”

His curiosity peaked, Bush asked his driver to stop, and rolled down his window.

“These three Koreans were driving too close to the ranch, Sir. We stopped them for a check,” his Secret Service detail told him.

“They were just three real nerdy guys, big glasses and everything” Bush told us. “Secret Service checked them for weapons – that’s their job. Watcha doin’ here, I asked. They said, they been drivin’ and got lost. Lookin’ for a bar for some drinks. So, I said, let’s take these guys in, show them Texan hospitality.”

The Secret Service apparently protested, but the former President insisted and got his wish.

“Turned out they were Engineers!” exclaimed Bush. “Smart folks. From some real good school in the North part of their country. Never heard of it.”

Our reporters had been told by an anonymous source that the three Koreans were actually not legally in the country.

“Yeah!” Bush laughed, recalling. “We got tough tourist policies. They couldn’t get visa, So, they got in from Mexico. Just wanted to drive round and tour our great country.”

And that’s when Mr. Bush got his unexpected deal.

“They looked at them outlets and switches in my ranch and said wiring needs an upgrade. There’s new stuff out there, they said, fiber opticals and what not.”

“I told them, tell me what’s hot and I’ll get someone to put it in,” said Bush, “and they said they’d do it for me! For free! They had cables and boxes in their car.”

“How much, I said? And they just went, you are a cool guy Comrade Bush. It would be our honor to do this for you for free.”

The small crew worked for several hours in Mr. Bush’ ranch, drilling, pulling cables through. When they were done, the former President had gotten the best fiber installation of any ranch in Texas.

“Internet is super fast now!” announced a smiling Mr. Bush. “Cable TV is what they called ‘Sony Pictures quality’. They even put in proactive monitoring. Anything goes wrong, they’ll get an alert all the way back there in Korea, and they’ll fix the problem.”

“What can I say,” said Bush. “I got the deal of my life!”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

George Lucas to Write 24 More Star Wars Movies

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George Walton Lucas, Jr., the creator of the popular Star Wars franchise, delighted fans today by announcing that he has been working on 24 new Star Wars scripts.

“The stories were there. They just needed to be told,” said Lucas.

The new movies will be made and released over the next 250-300 years, one trilogy at a time, at regular 20-30 year intervals in between.

“We will be using as much of the original cast as we can,” said Lucas. “That’s what the fans want; that’s what we will give them.”

We were concerned that not everyone from that cast would be able to participate.

“It is true that not everyone is still around,” said Lucas. “Alec [Guiness] (old Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi), for example, left us a few years ago, but our new Obi-Wan, Ewan [McGregor] will be just about the right age for the ghost of old Ben by the time the next few trilogies come around, and he’ll look very similar to what Alec used to look back then.”

“Carrie [Fisher] has aged gracefully, and she would be perfect for the role of 70, 80 and 90-years old Princess Leia Organa in Episodes X, XI and XII.”

“And Mark [Hamill] (Luke Skywalker) and Harrison [Ford] (Han Solo) are still going strong. Luke’s a Jedi, he will be around for at least 850 more years and he should be able to participate in most if not in all the new movies,” he said.

We asked if he might be confusing the character with the actor.

“Perhaps,” said Lucas. “But that’s a sign of a good story.”

What about other characters that have made the movies more children-friendly but alienated some of the original fans, such as Jar Jar Binks?

“Sadly, Jar Jar did not make it,” lamented Lucas without giving an explanation. “However, we will continue to cater to younger and younger audiences. We plan to bring in some Sesame Street characters in Episodes XVI, XVII and XVIII, and at least two of the Teletubbies in Episode XXI.”

What about Mr. Lucas himself? How will he continue to be involved with the new movies once the scripts are written?

“My plan is to sell all 24 or maybe even more scripts to Disney as soon as they are done. I will then step back and look for a small planet for sale somewhere in the Degoba system, where I can retire in peace.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to, well, make fun of things.

Steven Seagal Movie Runs Out of Characters

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“Attack Execution”, the highly anticipated new action flick, written, directed and starred by American actor, film producer, screenwriter, film director, martial artist, musician, reserve deputy sheriff and entrepreneur Steven Frederick Seagal had to unexpectedly end in the middle due to lack of remaining alive characters.

“Steven has just gotten too good at what he does,” explained one of the movie staff members who serves an unknown function in the making of the movie since Steven typically handles everything by himself. “He kills quickly and creatively, not leaving much chance for anyone to mount a feasible battle with him.”

“Attack Execution” follows other successful Seagal movies such as “Narc Force”, “Attack Force”, “Force of Execution”, “Narc Execution” and “Narc Attack”. It was expected, in a way, to represent and end of an era.

“As such,” explained the unnamed move staff member, “Attack Execution” was meant to be the most violent and action-packed flick of all of them.

The movie starts off casually with Special Ops Agent Jack Crass (Seagal) accidentally passing by a maximum security prison on his way home exactly at the moment when a group of highly skilled killers happen to be escaping.

Crass is worried by the possible consequences such an escape can have on headline news at a time when the most important discussions on media should be those on Global Warming. He reluctantly removes the safety of his handgun which he was incidentally already holding in his right hand as he drove, and joins the chase.

Astounding action sequences follow, in which many vehicles are destroyed, many buildings are bulldozed to rubble, and many vicious and violent criminals are killed.

But no fight is perfect. As Crass is shooting the bad guys, the bad guys are shooting at all other characters who try to help Crass. The battle is violent, and everyone gets killed, except Crass, who shoots the last remaining bad guy, and then stands in the middle of a destroyed city, wondering about his next steps.

The movie comes to an unexpected end since Crass has no one else left to kill, or interact with in any other way.

“I’ve learned so much from this experience,” shares Seagal.

He is considering revising the script, so that it starts off with more characters. This way, the action can be sustained longer.

Re-filming of the movie may be expensive though, which is why CGI technology may potentially be used to insert some of the new characters digitally into the already filmed first half of the movie.

“Interstellar” to be Pulled Out of Cinemas in Developed Countries

Interstellar

Government officials of developed countries unanimously voted to ban the showing of the popular blockbuster “Interstellar” to audiences in these countries.

“This film offends viewers who believe in the Fundamental Laws of Classical Physics,” said Dusseldorf Schwartz, an official representing the developed nation of Germany.

“If you are a viewer, who holds sacred the notion that every two objects experience a mutual gravitational attraction proportional to their masses, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them, you may be rightfully upset and outraged when you see, for example, the ship of Matthew McConaughey (a.k.a. Cooper) drifting near Saturn along a trajectory that is anything but elliptical. I mean, there is even a particular moment where you see its path there exhibit clear asymptotic behavior, more becoming of light near the event horizon of the black hole than resembling the inverse quadratic curve that it should be following near Saturn.”

The creators of the popular movie stood behind their choices. “Yes, we have made certain creative decisions to enhance viewer impact,” movie director Christopher Nolan admitted. “We have done so artistically, and with taste.”

American viewer Amanda Jones disagreed. “I don’t want my future children, should I ever have a chance to find a boyfriend, and should he ever consider marrying me, and should we be able to procreate, to see a film where the Laws of Physics are represented in a twisted and inaccurate way. This movie is offensive to the extreme.”

This has not stopped third world nations from allowing the movie to play in their theaters without constraints. “It’s a pleasure to watch,” said 13 year old Sameer Gupta. “I loved the special effects in the 3D IMAX version. I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

Sameer’s parents Rajeet and Sumaia Gupta were also supportive of their son’s decision to see the movie. “Why shouldn’t we let him? Other kids his age have seen it. They talk about it in school. Our son should enjoy the same movies other children his age watch.”

American scientist Albert Newton was not amused. “There are many unenlightened ignorants in other countries,” he said. “As much as we have tried to teach them the Universal notions of our Physical Sciences, they remain as uneducated and backward as they have ever been. It is our responsibility that here, in America, we do not allow audiences to be exposed to inaccurate unscientific ideas.”

Despite the ban, there have been reports of illegal downloads of the movie, most of which were traced to Concordia, Kanzas, where no one has heard of science.