Comedian Jon Stewart Spares American Lives by Retiring

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“Laughing Death Syndrome” (LDS) is one of the least documented causes of sudden and unexpected human mortality. It occurs when a subject gets into an uncontrollable laughing fit preventing them from taking in sufficient amount of oxygen and causing severe convulsions of the subject’s ribcage muscles, which lead their hearts into an arrhythmia followed by a cardiac arrest.

LDS may be treatable if the laughing fit is relatively mild, and if the subject has immediate access to medical care.

The popular Daily Show host and political satirist Jonathan Stewart Leibowitz, a.k.a, “Jon Stewart” became aware of the dangers of the LDS when the Director of the prestigious New York’s Cardiac Diagnostic Center, Dr. Steven Reisman, MD, approached him with documentation outlining the causes and dangers of this fatal condition in December 2014.

“I wanted Jon to be aware,” shared Mr. Reisman. “As a successful and popular comedian, he is responsible for a lot of people laughing their *sses off out there, and that, as we have seen, carries significant risk of LDS.”

Jon Stewart took this feedback seriously. He considered known upcoming political events and the possibility of his show causing people to laugh uncontrollably.

“Consider even just the upcoming election in 2016,” Mr. Stewart said. “Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Rick Perry, Rand Paul, whatever that Huckabee character is, all running at the same time. That alone can produce enough comedy to annihilate a small nation via LDS.”

Mr. Stewart thought, and thought hard. America may not be a small nation, but it would surely suffer great damage if a large percent of its population died of laughter.

“There was only one thing I could do to save lives,” said Jon Stewart. “I decided to retire so I could save as many as possible.”

Isn’t there danger of people dying of laughter anyway irrespective of his retiring?

“Of course there is,” admitted Stewart, “but I am hoping that the laughing fits that people would have when these presidential clowns blabber on TV would be more on the wincing side than consisting of actual deep, uncontrollable laughter coming from genuine appreciation of intelligent humor.”

We will of course miss Mr. Stewart’s unparalleled sense of humor, but we have to bow to his deep, self-sacrificial concern for the safety of the American Nation.

Best of luck to him with whatever comes next!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers Gets a Response Condemning Obamacare

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Following her plea to come up with “horror stories” about Obamacare, Congresswoman Cathy Anne McMorris Rodgers got one response on her Facebook Page telling her the ASA is the root of all evil.

“Well, the actual text of the response was not exactly that,” she said, “but that’s what it meant.”

The response she was referring to read:

Being a Speaker of the House, I already have Government Health Insurance, thank you very much.

“You see,” she concluded. “Americans care. They want to repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

There were apparently other responses to her post, but she said that she is not the kind of person who would dwell on the negative. The single response above was all she needed to prove her point.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Senate Republicans Unhappy About Delays to Destroy Planet Earth

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Senate Republicans expressed outrage today to further delays along the road to destruction of Planet Earth.

“The new rules and regulations of fracking take us one step further from that eventual goal,” said Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell Jr.

Why is fracking so important?

“It’s the first step,” shared Mr. McConnell. “First, you poison the underground water. Then, you deplete the fresh water. The air quality will degrade as well.“

“The fractured rock will eventually yield and we will see increased seismic activity, as we have already demonstrated in the past” he continued to explain. “Violent earthquakes will hopefully be followed by tsunami, if planned right.”

“We have put a lot of thought into this. All angles have been carefully considered and we have been on a tight schedule towards the destruction of Planet Earth.”

Recently, however, there have been some setbacks.

“There are people in our Government,” McConnell said without naming names, “who don’t care at all about the destruction of the Earth. They have, in fact, pushed for regulations that deter our progress in this direction.”

“We will fight with everything we have to continue on the path of complete destruction that we have been working so hard to achieve.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Florida Governor Rick Scott Bans the Term “Penis Size” in His Family

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News just hit the wire that Florida Governor Richard “Rick” Lynn Scott banned the use of the term “Penis Size” in his family.

“We don’t want to be talking about things that are not confirmed facts,” he stated.

This latest ban happens on the heels of several similar bans he had instituted at the State level. Starting with a ban on the use of the terms “Climate Change”, “Global Warming” or “Sustainability”, he moved on to banning terms such as “World Hunger”, “Racism”, “Sexism”, “Equal Pay”, “Pro-Choice”, “Human Rights”, “Marriage Equality”, “Gun Control”.

He then quickly moved to banning terms such as “Republican IQ” and “Idiotic Moron” for reasons he declined to disclose.

He attempted, though failed to ban approximately 80% of the words in the Oxford English Dictionary. His failure was due to the fact that he could not describe the ban in a written form without the use of the words he was trying to ban.

The latest bans, however, have gone as granular as at the level of his own family. At first, he only banned the use of the terms “Asshole”, “Loser”, “Hate You” and “Divorce”. The latest ban was on the use of the term “Penis Size”.

“Terms that cannot be publicly verified should not be discussed,” he explained.

Mr. Scott’s wife Ann Scott has acknowledged that Mr. Scott’s unprecedented bans have led to one very critical consequence.

“It’s really quiet at home now,” she shared. “I suppose this should be counted as a blessing.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Obama Misspells Word in Email Draft

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Speaker of the House John Andrew Boehner went public today with the shocking news that the current President of the United States Mr. Barrack Obama had misspelled a word in a draft of a personal email.

“I have ordered an exhaustive investigation,” shared Boehner. “We will get to the bottom of this and determine the full extent of the fault of our current President.”

The alleged misspelling occurred in a draft of an email the President was planning to send to a close personal friend. Specifically, the possessive “its” had been misspelled as the abbreviated “it’s”. The Speaker of the House Mr. Boehner discovered the error while combing through thousands of emails Obama had released for scrutiny and review. Mr. Boehner had spent the last 6 months reviewing emails, spending sometimes as much as ten hours per day.

“It was a long and arduous task,” said Boehner. “But when it finally paid off, I almost jumped out of my seat. There it was! A misspelling!”

What is the significance of his find?

“This type of error is unacceptable, inexcusable and unforgivable,” said Boehner, vowing to spare no expense to make sure the truth of the misspelling comes out.

We asked Mr. Boehner whether anyone else from his party has ever misspelled a word.

“Let’s not get off topic here,” said Boehner. “This discussion is about the misspellings of Obama, and I will not let it digress into a discussion regarding other people.”

So, he himself has never misspelled anything?

“I don’t write,” said Boehner, closing the issue once and for all.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Miss Universe Contest Biased Towards Human Females

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The popular Miss Universe beauty pageant is currently under investigation with suspicion that it may have been biased towards human females.

“Not a single female of non-human species made it even to the entry level stages of the contest,” shared Benjamin Prokop, a lawyer self-appointed to represent non-human life forms. “The contest exclusively shunned the females of all other Earth species, as well as any female individuals from other planets or galaxies.

Mr. Prokop will seek unspecified damages to be paid off to everyone non-human for the lost opportunity to compete in the elite contest. His not at all modest fee is to also be collected from the proceeds of these damages.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Ted Cruz to Keep Washington Ambitions Secret from Schwarzenegger

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Today, presidential hopeful Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz formally launched his campaign for the U.S. Presidency, but also stated that he intends to keep his ambitions secret from whom he calls his biggest rival, the former California Governor and action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“There’s really no need for him to know,” said Cruz. “At this point, I still have the element of surprise on my side.”

Mr. Schwarzenegger had been pursuing higher offices in his political career, reaching the position of Governor of California in 2003. The only obstacle he saw to pursuing the position of President had been the fact that he is not allowed to do so constitutionally, since he was not born in the United States.

We asked Mr. Cruz, who was born in Canada, why he does not see this as an obstacle to his own Presidential ambitions.

“The thing to realize is that the Constitution is just a guideline,” he explained. “It shouldn’t be taken literally as, for example, one should take the Bible. The Constitution does not state anywhere one has to be physically born in the U.S.”

What other way is there to be born?

“By an American mother, of course,” said Cruz.

There is no definition that the nationality of the mother determines where someone is born.

“Not yet,” said Cruz. “But if you could get a Republican-leaning judge to agree, you may very well make up such a definition.”

Does this also apply to the case of Ahmet Mustafa McCormick-Hamal  who is allegedly the first baby from an American mother to be born in the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria?

“I’d let a Republican-leaning judge decide,” said Cruz, though the question clearly made him uncomfortable.

Asked about his numerous prior objections to the candidacy of our current sitting President Mr. Barrack Obama, who was born in Hawaii, Mr. Cruz simply stated.

“Canada is closer than Hawaii.”

Going back to the more immediate danger of competition from former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Cruz suddenly turned serious.

“You’ve seen what this guy can do with a Kalashnikov,” he said. “Or even with just a knife. I wouldn’t want to be running against him.”

“Also,” he said, “He has had much better popularity than me with the voter segment of Latina house-keepers. And trust me, it’s not as if I haven’t tried hard in that department. It would be an upslope battle to run against him for sure.”

There is no immediate danger of Mr. Schwarzenegger finding out about Mr. Cruz’ candidacy, though. The former governor has been busy filming his new movies Terminator Genisys and The Legend of Conan and has had no time to check out the news.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.