Michelle Bachmann: The End Times are Nigh, Vote for Me

Michelle_Bachmann

Former Minnesota Member of the House of Representatives Michelle Marie Bachmann today announced possible considerations for another shot at the Presidency.

“This is the right time,” she said. “This is, in fact, the only time for me to run for President.”

Asked to explain further, she clarified.

“The End Times are nigh, and the Apocalypse is around the corner,” she said. “If I don’t run now, there will be no other opportunity to run, since the world will be over, and mankind will be facing the ultimate judgment.”

We invited her to outline the strengths she brings to the table compared to other Extremist Christian candidates such as Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, or that Huckabee character.

“I’d be happy to,” she said. “Ted, for example, who on the face of it is one of us, isn’t fit to lead the American People during the upcoming Apocalypse, because he doesn’t really understand the Apocalypse is that close. For some reason, he seems to think that we have more time,” said Bachmann.

“Rubio,” she said, “on the other hand, understands that deep down. He’s been trying to prepare for the flood by learning how to drink large amounts of water. That, in my opinion, is kind of childish. You can’t really escape certain death by drinking up the flood.”

“Huckaboo, I don’t know about him,” she said. “I don’t think anyone else does.”

How does she compare to the remaining Republican Candidates?

“I’m clearly the best,” said Bachmann. “If I am not in the run, I’d consider voting for the village idiot, because he’s kind of easy to lead by the nose, but he will not make a great president, because he, like everyone else, will perish in flames when the trumpet sounds.”

We weren’t sure which village idiot she was referring to.

“Oh,  you know,” she said vaguely, leaving the rest of us to wonder.

We wished Mrs. Bachmann a smooth ride with the four horsemen.

“I promise,” said Bachmann, “that if you elect me, I will ride with them naked in front of everyone.”

She flashed a victory sign, but unlike her predecessor candidate Sarah Palin from several years prior, she did not stick her tongue between her fingers.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Black Man to be Found Guilty of Being Shot in the Back

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Dead Black man Walter Scott has been charged today for being shot in the back by White police officer Michael Slager.

This unexpected charge comes in the heels of an extraordinary coincidence. Initially, the shooting had drawn no attention, since all that was known was that Mr. Scott had been found lying face down on the ground with his hands handcuffed behind his back, bullet holes on his body.

Later, however, it became clear that someone had videotaped the entire incident. The video answered a lot of questions. Specifically, it became clear that Mr. Scott was not simply lying down, but he had, in fact, been shot in the back while running away unarmed from police officer Mr. Slager.

The video is considered critical evidence and could be used as such if it is in fact permitted to be used in court; the latter is not yet certain because, due to its graphic nature, it may be dismissed so that the sensitivities of the judge and jury are not offended.

If allowed, however, the video will most certainly lead to a conviction, as it shows that Mr. Scott is unquestionably guilty of being shot in the back.

Such conviction, some could argue, may not necessarily lead to closure. Since Mr. Scott is dead, any sentencing will be purely symbolic. Still, what is important here is that justice is served and that Mr. Scott is indeed found guilty of being shot in the back.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It has, at times, taken up raising awareness of social issues that are clearly unacceptable in a civilized world.

Prominent Al Qaeda Figure Cites Religious Freedom Bill as Right to Cause Mass Casualties

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Citing the Religious Freedom bill recently signed by Arkansas Governor William Asa Hutchinson, prominent Al Qaeda figure and Arkansas resident Abu Fatkh Khazim today successfully used his status of a permanent resident of Arkansas to press charges against being unlawfully prevented from practicing his extremist religious beliefs.

“My belief in violent extremism requires me to blow myself up in public with as many innocent civilians around me as possible,” Mr. Khazim was quoted saying.

Mr. Khasim had been a detainee in a federal facility in Arkansas after a sting operation apprehended him back in 2004 when he had attempted to acquire weapons-grade Uranium from Texas, where such material is legal to own.

“Being in prison directly impacts my ability to carry out my extremist convictions,” Mr. Khasim stated in his letter to the Arkansas courts.

Mr. Khasim’s beliefs do not in any way contradict newly added provisions to the law, which attempt, albeit do not fully succeed, to prevent any too obvious discrimination against members of the LGBT community.

“I, personally, am not in any way opposed to killing gays or lesbians,” said Mr. Khasim. “I would kill them the same exact way as I would kill straight infidels, Christians, Buddhists and moderate Muslims. I do not, in any way, discriminate.”

Not being able to find any flaws in the logic of Mr. Khasim, Governor Hutchinson has reluctantly agreed to honor his request to be released, and furthermore grant the necessary weapons for Mr. Khasim to be able to practice his extremist faith as God had apparently instructed him, provided that he does so in Democratically-inclined electoral districts.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Indiana Court Sentences Purvi Patel To Be Beheaded in Public

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On Monday, 3/30, Indiana court sentenced 33 years old Purvi Patel for having an involuntary miscarriage.

“The way I see it,” said Sue Ellen Braunlin, doctor and co-president of the Indiana Religious Coalition for Reproductive Justice, “God decided that Mrs. Patel deserves to lose her child. He taketh the child away. It is our responsibility to carry out the rest of God’s will and make sure Mrs. Patel suffers as much as humanly possible given the short amount of time we have to act.”

Indiana Governor Michael Richard “Mike” Pence defended the court’s decision.

“Our God, praise be to Him, had spoken,” he said.

Mrs. Patel is to be lashed 30 times and then beheaded in public for her unintentional action.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Author’s note: The above is not funny. Not at all. Purvi Patel was indeed sentenced to 20 years in prison in Indiana for having a miscarriage. She may not have been beheaded, but the the difference is a matter of degree. This is ISIS operating in the United States under a different religion. The value of satire is to raise awareness. I hope this blog demonstrates how perverse things can become when the religious conservatives choose to operate with 18th century mentality.

Presidential Hopeful Ted Cruz Outlines His Presidential Agenda

Cruz_Wants_To_Repeal

Today, the junior senator and presidential hopeful from Texas Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz outlined the key points of his agenda should he be elected President.

“When elected President,” he said, “I plan to repeal things.”

What exactly is he planning to repeal?

“I will start by repealing Obamacare,” he responded. “I will then repeal the IRS, the FBI and the CIA.”

We were curious as to why.

“I just enjoy repealing,” he said simply. “Being repulsive is part of my personality, my identity, my constitution.”

Talking about the Constitution, how will Mr. Cruz run for President when it’s unconstitutional for candidates to run if they were not born in the United States?

“We will repeal the Constitution too,” confirmed Cruz.

Anything else to repeal?

“I will also repeal Common Core,” he vowed. “Every word of it.”

How will Mr. Cruz repeal something that’s not a federal law?

“With Will and Determination,” he explained.

We wished him best of luck in remaining a Senator.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.