Trump Appointee Rian Johnson Makes Star Wars Great Again

Everyone knows how disappointing the Star Wars saga has been for Americans ever since its very inception, reported Fox News early Saturday, one day after the Premiere of “The Last Jedi”, the latest installment of the Star Wars saga.

That is no more, said Fox News. President Donald John Trump had taken it personally to intervene and Make Star Wars Great Again. Earlier in the year, he had appointed writer and director Rian Johnson to take charge of the franchise, and ensure that it is finally and permanently fixed in the upcoming Episode VIII.

Everything President Trump touches turns into pure gold, stated Fox News. The Last Jedi is no exception.

“The best movie ever!” stated randomly selected by Fox News “Star Wars” fan Buck Cornhauler from rural Alabama, who went to the movies for the first time in twenty years with a ticket sponsored by Fox News, just so he could see the result of Donald Trump’s effort.

Buck admitted that he had never actually seen any of the other Star Wars movies, nor, for that matter, any movie at all over the last 20 years, but he has always been a big fan, as he had been told by the crew of Fox News who paid him to interview him.

Fox News stated that Buck’s experience is the experience of every American. Indeed, they stated, The Last Jedi is not only the best movie of the franchise, but possibly the best movie of all times.

They offered a careful recommendation. All their viewers, they said, should purchase tickets for the movie, but not actually see it, because seeing a movie so great could  spoil every single movie they try to see at any time after that.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

 

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Manafort Charged, the Details

Monday morning started with some unusual news, Fox News reported. Paul John Manafort Jr., the well known campaign manager of the campaign of now President Donald J. Trump, had been charged with some minor violations.

“Parking Near a Fire Hydrant, Other Charges**”, reported Fox in order of seriousness of the violations.

Mr. Manafort, who, as a lawyer, has been known to be absolutely perfect in following and respecting the laws to the letter, whether they are Federal, State or even just neighborhood laws. Fox News expressed their genuine surprise that Mr. Manafort would ever do anything as serious as parking incorrectly. They, as well as all their sponsors, have spent the morning scratching their heads to find an explanation.

“We are still looking for answers,” said Fox News talk show host Sean Patrick Hannity, who is known to be the most fair and unbiased of all talk show hosts in the entire history of the news industry. “I know it, deep inside my heart, just as I know that there is no such thing as Global Warming, that Mr. Manafort is innocent. There has got to be a good explanation why he parked incorrectly. If, indeed he did,” he added. “This may all be one big left-wing conspiracy.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

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Author’s Note: This article aims to ridicule the blatantly misleading headline that Fox News published on their front page on Monday Morning: “Manafort Charged with Money Laundering, Other Charges”

** “Other Charges” included the charge of Conspiracy Against the U.S.

O’Reilly: God Made Me Do It

This Monday, disgraced TV host Bill O’Reilly, who was ousted by Fox News in April because of sexual harassment he had committed towards a fellow Fox News colleague, had a rare moment of honest self-reflection and understanding of blame.

“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said** on the latest episode of his web series, ironically named “No Spin News.” “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

[** Read source article with this quote and more on CNN Money]

God, explained O’Reilly, was single-handedly responsible for the criminal act of sexual harassment which he, Bill, committed towards Lis Wiehl, a long-time legal analyst at Fox.

“Who else?” asked O’Reilly the rhetorical question. “I only do what God tells me to do, nothing else. So, the blame for anything I commit falls squarely on Him. There is no question about it.”

He went on to explain in great detail how exactly God had instructed him to commit the criminal act, down to the very fine details of what exactly, he, Bill, should be doing to his Fox colleague, and in what manner.

“I expected,” O’Reilly said, “that God would then take responsibility and step in to explain that it was really Him who instructed me to do this.”

Instead, he was disappointed when God did not in any way, shape or form do that.

“Disappointed and angry,” said O’Reilly. “And justifiable so. God made me do it, but I am the one who has to face the (financial) consequences. I hope, and, indeed, even pray, that after the most recent settlement of $32 million I paid, God would do the right thing, and send me a re-reimbursement check.”

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Source: Bill O’Reilly ‘mad at God’ over sexual misconduct allegations (CNN)

** This is a real quote which you can read about in this CNN article or, alternatively, watch it with your own eyes in O’Reilly’s new show, really very, very ironically, and completely inaccurately named “No Spin News”.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It is frequently inspired by very, very real quotes and news, which we make sure we clearly point out.

Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

On Tuesday, 8/2, Eric Trump, the son of Republican presidential nominee Donald John Trump, shared with reporters that his dad had already apologized to the grieving Gold Star family of Khizr Khan, whom Trump had insulted over their impassioned speech in support of his rival Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“He did,” confirmed Eric Trump with the same conviction and certainty as his father. “He offered Mr. Khan a public apology.” (see CNN source article below).

Trump, of course, has not.

“My dad also already released his tax returns,” continued the younger Trump in a manner that very much resembled that of his father. “They are already out there, publicly available,” he said, looking at the camera without blinking.

They, of course, are not.

“My father never said that Russia should have their hackers look for Hillary Clinton’s emails,” continued his statement the younger Trump, emphasizing the word never. “He also never said that Mexicans are rapists, or that a Latino judge is disqualified to judge him because he is a Latino,” he said, despite videos of his father making exactly these statements, broadcast by most major outlets in the country.

“He was never endorsed by the KKK leader David Duke, or by the Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, or by the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un,” declared further Trump’s son, despite the fact that his father has received exactly those endorsements.

“And finally, he has never, ever mentioned that he will be building a wall on the Mexican border,” said the younger Trump.

“Never,” he repeated.

Fox News published the entire interview to ensure Republican voters are aware of the truth about Donald Trump. All other news outlets, Fox stated, every single one of them, all over the world, in U.S. and internationally, without any exception, are making up lies to make the candidate they have been paid to promote appear unfit for the U.S. Presidency.

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Source (CNN): Eric Trump: Dad Already Apologized to Khan

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

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Also relevant: North Korea Endorses Donald Trump for President

Trump: Obama is the Most Ignorant President

“Obama is the most ignorant President the U.S. has ever had,” said Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump today, pointing out that the difference is quite apparent when Obama is compared to presidents like George Bush, George W. Bush, or the should-have-been-president Dan Quayle.

“Kenny Baker is the tallest person who ever lived,” continued Trump, referring to the famous actor who acted R2D2 in the legendary Star Wars saga. “Trust me, folks, trust me. No one as tall as him has ever existed on Earth.”

“Similarly, Muhammad Ali is the worst boxer of all time,” stated Trump. “He was terrible. Awful. Everyone knows that. He should never have been a boxer.”

“Finally, Albert Einstein is the stupidest person who ever lived,” said Trump. “It’s amazing how stupid he was, folks, really amazing.” He pointed out that unless someone is of comparable intelligence to the ‘90’s cartoon characters Beavis and Butthead, who have been his own inspiration, Trump would not consider that person worth mentioning on the intelligence scale.

Fox News has touted that the comments above are the most insightful comments ever made by a Presidential candidate.

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Source: Trump States Obama is the Most Ignorant President in U.S. History

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Democrats Distracting Americans from Most Relevant Issues

On Friday, March 25, 2016, political analyst Chris Wallace of Fox News discussed the stark differences between the topics of discussion in Democratic vs Republican debates.

“Look,” he said, “Democratic debates are a sham, a distraction. Democrats keep bringing up irrelevant topics such as Education, Health Care and Global Warming.”

“Effectively,” he said, “Democrats are hoping to divert the attention of the American public from the most pertinent and urgent issues facing our country, namely, which Presidential candidate has a larger penis, and who has a prettier wife,” said Wallace.

“It is alarming,” he said, “that there are people in our country who are easily fooled by the Democratic political manipulations. It is our responsibility to ensure that Americans are focused on the issues that matter most.”

Wallace vowed, that Fox News will not betray Americans like other news networks do. Their coverage of the penis sizes of the candidates, and the looks of their wives will continue to keep Americans informed, so they can make the right choice on Election Day.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Also relevant:

Fox News Makes Certain Absolutely Nothing is Mentioned about Trump and the KKK

With every major news station in the U.S. and the World breaking the news that Republican Presidential Candidate Donald John Trump would NOT condemn the white supremacist group Ku Klux Klan’s endorsement of his candidacy, one news organization, Fox News, has taken the diplomatic approach of making certain this news is not mentioned in any shape or form in its reports.

“We are not sure what you are talking about,” said Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who has dedicated his career on covering political news. “There is no such news. We have never heard of it, and we will make sure it is never mentioned anywhere in any of our news reports.”

When confronted with the question why everyone else seems to be reporting this news, Wallace said.

“Beats me. Like I said, there is no such news.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Relevant sources:

Fox News to Support Cruz and Rubio for a Little Bit Longer

Fox News, the network that most accurately expresses the opinions of those who pay them to express these opinions, today stated that it would continue to support the two candidates that it has been paid to support at the moment, the Cuban Canadian Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, and the Cuban American Marco Antonio Rubio.

“Unfortunately, we can no longer throw our support behind John Ellis “Jeb” Bush,” lamented Fox News TV anchor Chris Wallace, “who was the candidate we had been paid to support up to until now. With the withdrawal of Mr. Bush from the race, this revenue stream has dried up.”

“We are, therefore, switching to the next best alternatives we have been paid to promote, namely, Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio.”

Pressed to comment on the unexpected surge of the TV reality show star Donald John Trump, Fox News threaded carefully.

“Well, look,” said Fox News TV Host Sean Patrick Hannity. “We have been told explicitly up to until now that Mr. Trump does not represent the views of those who have been paying us. However, we have to acknowledge, that sooner or later, those who have been paying us will have no choice, but to start supporting him, or face someone with innovative and progressive views to become President. With such a lack of choice, we expect to be paid to support Mr. Trump soon, in about a week or so.”

“It is therefore important,” said Hannity, “that we switch immediately from heavily criticizing Trump for his Nazi views, to casually reporting on him in an intentionally neutral way, while Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio continue to hope for a miracle that would bring them ahead in this competition.”

“When the week is over,” said Hannity, “and the money we’ve been paid to promote Cruz and Rubio also dries up, we will start our enthusiastic coverage of Mr. Trump, who, we expect, will become the unwitting only hope for those who pay for our opinions.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Fox News Announces O’Malley Winner of Sunday Democratic Debate

Following on what it called the “procedural and regrettably compulsory Democratic debate” on NBC on Sunday night, Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News Channel today announced that a poll conducted by the network had revealed Democratic Presidential candidate Martin Joseph O’Malley to be the undisputed winner of the debate.

“Well, as much as one can be called a winner among this group,” stated Fox News TV host Sean Patrick Hannity, who is the host of the show Hannity named aptly after his last name.

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who has spent the last 11 years of his life covering every single political event in American politics, also mentioned the debate.

“O’Malley came in the least weak of the three or four candidates, and his message resonated with the small group of Americans who vote for Democrats,” he said, though he admitted that he only watched part of the debate, since he had to wake up early the next day.

Little was mentioned by Fox News about the other candidates who participated in the debate.

“Whoever they were,” said Fox News anchor and senior political analyst Brit Hume, “they left no impression.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Trump’s Message Resonates Well With Ordinary Middle-Class American Billionaires

THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP Photo, John Minchillo
THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP Photo, John Minchillo

Opinion poll conducted after the fourth Republican debate on Fox has confirmed that the message of presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald John Trump has found agreeable audience in ordinary middle-class American billionaires.

“He is our guy,” said investment billionaire Carl Icahn, whose total net worth is only 20.5 billion. “He understand the day-to-day struggles middle-income American billionaires have to go through.”

“There are some of us,” explained pharmaceuticals billionaire Phillip Frost who is worth a mere 4.3 billion, “who have to make a living on single-digit billion income. If you think that’s a feasible alternative, try it, and see how many summer mansions you can support that way.”

Many appreciated specific aspects of Trump’s personality and beliefs.

“He isn’t the type who’d cry over spilled oil,” chimed in oil and gas billionaire Harold Hamm, who also falls in the single-digit billion category with a net worth of 7.4 billion.

“He appreciates the importance of owning the media and brainwashing Americans into voting the way we tell them,” shared Fox News owner billionaire Rupert Murdoch, who seems to have barely made it out of billionaire poverty with a hard-earned net worth of 11.6 billion.

“He is our guy,” stated David Koch of the Koch brothers, who, despite the fact that he belongs to the upper-middle-class of billionaires with his 41 billion net worth, graciously offered support of a candidate whose focus is the actual middle-class of billionaires. “He will make sure he Makes America Great Again for the top 50 of us. And maybe for the next 100.”

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News Sense News is a satirical fake news blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.