Trump Nominates New Minister of Archaeology

On Friday, 4/5, Donald Trump announced his pick for the next Minister of Archaeology, little known but otherwise very prominent scientist Professor Bozidar Dimitrov. Dimitrov will be setting the course for all future Archaeological work done within the boundaries or on behalf of the United States.

Dimitrov’s work includes impressive finds such as the skeleton of a mermaid and a skeleton of a Centaur, both un-earthed in an unspecified Mediterranean country a little more than a decade ago. Self-educated and self-employed, Mr. Dimitrov is very much a self-made person, not unlike Trump himself.

Buoyed by the news, Professor Dimitrov told our reporters that he had immediately rolled up his sleeves and done some Archaeological work in his own backyard right away, finding, to his great surprise, a small wooden piece of Noah’s Ark and some skeletal remains of avian origin, likely from birds that got saved in the Ark during the Flood.

Many of Professor Dimitrov’s finds are dated back almost 6000 years, very close to, to quote Dimitrov himself, “the actual beginning of the world”.

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News Sense News is a SATIRICAL blog of FAKE NEWS that aims to showcase, criticize and ridicule corruption, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. It also aims to simply trigger some laughs.

Random Non-Experts Weigh in Heavily on Non-Existence of Climate Change

Random non-experts, who have been completely unfamiliar with the issue, and have spent no time at all trying to understand the complexity of it, weighed in heavily towards the assertion that climate change does not exist, and, in addition, it is not man made.

“There ain’t no such thing,” said Alicia Butts from Eagle Mountain, Utah, who works as a part-time waitress at Arby’s. Asked if she would change her opinion if we left her a 20% tip, she acquiesced, “Sure, honey, whatever suits you.”

Todd Akin, a graduate of the Covenant Theological Seminary in Creve Coeur, MO, also shared his views. “The sun itself has variable output, which affects temperature cycles [1],” he said. “Although this is not true at night,” he clarified.

Miss South Carolina 2007, a former beauty queen who had been known to entertain complex opinions, spoke eloquently, and with grace: “I personally believe,” she said, “that things such as, are unable to do so. The U.S. should do more to help the U.S.” she recommended.

The issue did not slip away from national political discussions either. Presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, who for some reason still believes he is eligible to run for President despite the fact that he is born in Canada, also expressed his strong opinion. “The Holy Book has no mention of climate change,” he said. “I will repeal climate change the first day I am in office,” he promised, even though he can never be elected according to the Constitution.

Clyde Hogan, a resident of the Roll-a-Home trailer park in Cripple Creek, CO, was the most expressive of all of them. He stated his beliefs on the matter by posing a rhetorical question. “What the f*ck you talkin about,” he asked, deftly rejecting the idea via implicit dismissal.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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1. This first part is actually a real quote by Todd Akin, a former U.S. Representative from the state of Missouri, who knows just as much about climate change as Miss South Carolina knows about analytical geometry: https://www.skepticalscience.com/skepticquotes.php?s=56

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Related: U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

 

U.S. Senate Rejects Theory of Relativity in 50-49 Vote

Photo credited to Jonathan Ernst, Reuters

Republican dominated U.S. Senate today voted 50-49 to reject the previously accepted notion that the speed of light in vacuum is a constant independent of the speed of the observer. This fact was the foundation on which known scientist Albert Einstein built his revolutionary Theory of Relativity.

“Well, look,” said Senator James Mountain “Jim” Inhofe, a senior Republican senator from Oklahoma, “just because someone thinks that light moves at a constant speed in vacuum or anywhere else doesn’t really mean that’s true. People make things up, you know.”

“Besides,” he added, “if you ask me, light doesn’t really move. I’ve got light at home, and I can turn it on or off, but that’s about all you can do with it.”

Scientists have measured the speed of light and have been confirming Einstein’s Theory for decades, both theoretically and experimentally. A lot of these measurements constitute standard part of Physics curricula in academic institutions. None of this data, however, was admissible evidence during the Senate vote.

“Let’s not twist the truth here,” said Senator Inhofe. “We did consider what they called ‘evidence’. You know what the evidence was? Pages of pages of squiggly letters. They weren’t even English. My three-year-old can make up ‘evidence’ like that.”

“I think,” he said, “these so-called ‘scientists’ probably thought we would look at that gibberish, and decide that they are really, really smart, so, we would trust them. Well, guess what? We are not that stupid.”

What will be the next steps after this historic vote?

“The logical next step would be to take all that light garbage out of our kids’ education, who can then concentrate on studying The Book.”

“Oh, and of course, cut all funds for Physics research, and give this taxpayer money to oil companies and the NRA, where these funds are desperately needed.”

Reference: http://popist.com/s/cb5702e/

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

The Enchanted Life of Alistair Newton

On September 5^th, 2014, Alistair Newton decided to give up his Atheist beliefs after failing a basic science class.

“I simply stopped questioning everything,” he told a small crowd of curious bystanders attracted by the shiny new camera of our news organization. “And when you have no basic understanding of the world, no explanation of how it functions, the only possible thing to do is stop believing that there is no God.”

Alistair’s profound change of beliefs came as the next step of his otherwise very peculiar life.

He was born in 1969, in a family of rocket scientists. To their great surprise, he immediately spoke. His first words were: “Boy, was this an awesome example of peristaltically-driven squeeze through a narrow elastic channel! Weird, and real tight, but it got me all the Lactobacillus I need. Thanks, Mom! You did an awesome job!”

Not only was Alistair born with a full ability to speak, but he could also read, write, and do multivariable calculus in his head.

Alas, this was the highest form of intellectual accomplishment he would ever achieve, because as soon as he was out of the womb, he started to retrogress. Year over year, he would lose some advanced form of analytical ability. By the age of five, he could no longer manipulate tensors in his head. By the age of ten, he had lost some of his line integration skills. By his mid-twenties, his trigonometry was disappearing at an exponential rate and he was reduced to only being able to do basic high-school algebra.

With the retrogression of his analytical skills came a corresponding retrogression of his belief system. As a kid, Alistair had been a strong proponent of equality and freedom. He respected people’s beliefs, and promoted a philosophy of tolerance and understanding. But as his ability to calculate molar ratios vanished, so did his belief that women should get equal pay at the workplace. As time went by, Alistair lost his understanding that skin color, religion, or sexual orientation are not indications of anyone being less human. While earlier in life he had seen his own Atheist beliefs as a logical, but not superior way of searching for transcendence, by his late 30s he had started to develop distinct hatred towards Muslims and Jews based on his own growing sense of superiority.

His own knowledge and understanding of the world continued to shrink. One day, concerned that he could no longer understand the idea of Gravity, he decided to take a science class at a community college, so he could restore his disappering knowledge.

He took one, and he failed it. He came out of his final exam, lightheaded, confused, and said: “I don’t get it. If the Earth is indeed round like some claim, why don’t people fall off at the other side?”

“There is only one explanation,” he said. “The Earth is not actually round. This is all a lie and a conspiracy perpetuated by a handful of heretics which aim to bring anarchy to the world. The Earth is flat, and it is supported by a giant elephant, who, in turn, balances on the back of an even larger turtle.”

A week later, Alistair decided to give up his Atheist beliefs, and start to profess that there is only one truth that we are not to question and that we should follow blindly, because it is the Way.

There was sadness in his mother’s eyes when we asked her to share her feelings.

“I love him very much,” she said. “He is my son. He has had a very unusual life, and I am grateful for every moment of it. It’s been painful to watch him retrogress, but I suppose life is what it is in its randomness.”

We asked what she thought will happen next.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I suppose he will turn racist, and sexist, and eventually hate everyone and everything.”

We have since heard that Mr. Newton, currently in his mid-fourties, has become a registered member of the Tea Party.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Evolution Noticeably at Work in New York City

Creationists were dealt a major blow today with the discovery that evolution has been acting observably in the area of New York City.

Many New York City drivers seem to have grown a third hand in their struggle to adapt to their environment.

“At first, I kept switching between the gear and the horn,” recounts New York City driver Amanda Sheffield. “But, I seemed to need to operate both. Together. All the time! And then one day, I noticed it. I had grown a third hand. Driving has been simple since then. Now I use my previous right hand for honking, as nature designed it, and my newly grown right hand for changing the gears.”

Asked what she does with her left hand, she demonstrated.

“Fuck you too!” said a passer by, misunderstanding the gesture to refer to him.

“This is a wonderful demonstration of Evolution at work!” said Evolutionary Biologist Reese Plank. “Only those who are fittest to drive in New York City, namely, those with three hands, are the ones that survived. Everyone else shied away from driving, stayed home, never procreated, and ultimately had their gene pool disappear as unfit.”

Reverend Father Georgious, who has dedicated his life to teaching Creationism, could not be reached for comment. 12 year old Josh, who has been his “altar boy” for the past 4 years, spoke instead of him when cornered by a group of journalists. “I think God created these extra hands,” Josh said, “just as he makes hairs grow in strange places, which then need to be blessed and purged.”

The Government has appealed to the public to refrain from further inquiries. They swear in their honesty that the strange phenomenon is by no means related to recent increase of sales of weapons-grade Uranium to households that can afford it.

(See completely unrelated article on Weapons-Grade Uranium Sales in Texas)

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News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

“Interstellar” to be Pulled Out of Cinemas in Developed Countries

Government officials of developed countries unanimously voted to ban the showing of the popular blockbuster “Interstellar” to audiences in these countries.

“This film offends viewers who believe in the Fundamental Laws of Classical Physics,” said Dusseldorf Schwartz, an official representing the developed nation of Germany.

“If you are a viewer, who holds sacred the notion that every two objects experience a mutual gravitational attraction proportional to their masses, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them, you may be rightfully upset and outraged when you see, for example, the ship of Matthew McConaughey (a.k.a. Cooper) drifting near Saturn along a trajectory that is anything but elliptical. I mean, there is even a particular moment where you see its path there exhibit clear asymptotic behavior, more becoming of light near the event horizon of the black hole than resembling the inverse quadratic curve that it should be following near Saturn.”

The creators of the popular movie stood behind their choices. “Yes, we have made certain creative decisions to enhance viewer impact,” movie director Christopher Nolan admitted. “We have done so artistically, and with taste.”

American viewer Amanda Jones disagreed. “I don’t want my future children, should I ever have a chance to find a boyfriend, and should he ever consider marrying me, and should we be able to procreate, to see a film where the Laws of Physics are represented in a twisted and inaccurate way. This movie is offensive to the extreme.”

This has not stopped third world nations from allowing the movie to play in their theaters without constraints. “It’s a pleasure to watch,” said 13 year old Sameer Gupta. “I loved the special effects in the 3D IMAX version. I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

Sameer’s parents Rajeet and Sumaia Gupta were also supportive of their son’s decision to see the movie. “Why shouldn’t we let him? Other kids his age have seen it. They talk about it in school. Our son should enjoy the same movies other children his age watch.”

American scientist Albert Newton was not amused. “There are many unenlightened ignorants in other countries,” he said. “As much as we have tried to teach them the Universal notions of our Physical Sciences, they remain as uneducated and backward as they have ever been. It is our responsibility that here, in America, we do not allow audiences to be exposed to inaccurate unscientific ideas.”

Despite the ban, there have been reports of illegal downloads of the movie, most of which were traced to Concordia, Kanzas, where no one has heard of science.

Oldest Dinosaur Fossil Discovered under a Church in Salt Lake City Utah

A 235 million-years-old fossil of a triceratops was accidentally found under the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City, UT, during planned work to re-enforce the foundation of this magnificent historic building.

“This did not happen,” announced Reverend Thomas Winterton. “No one has found anything this old, because nothing this old exists. Everyone knows that the world was created a little over 6000 years ago.”

“This being said,” said Winterton, “the construction crew working on the foundation of the church did find some bones.”

What kind of creature were these bones from?

“They said they are from some kind of a dinosaur.”

But dinosaurs went extinct on Earth some 65 million years ago?

“No, they didn’t. 65 million years ago, there weren’t any dinosaurs, because there was nothing at that time. The world was created 6000 years ago.”

So, you are saying that this dinosaur was a recent one?

“It must have been. If you think about it, there’s no other option. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, this creature must have lived later than that.”

Carbon analysis of the bones seems to indicate that they are 235 million years old.

“It must be wrong. The world didn’t exist 235 million years ago, since it was created only 6000 years ago.”

Are you saying that carbon decay is not a reliable way to judge age?

“What I am saying is that there’s obviously something wrong with that calculation. The world was created 6000 years ago, so, the analysis must have been done incorrectly.”

Carbon analysis was used to determine the age of the Shroud of Turin. Can we trust these findings?

“That’s different. In this case, the calculation matches our knowledge. It doesn’t contradict the notion that the world was created 6000 years ago. So, it must be correct.”

What is the importance of the find and how does it impact the church in whose foundation it was discovered?

“It’s a reminder from God that we should question everything that tests our faith and not take anything at face value, especially claims that contradict the notions that we already know to be universally true. Start with what you know, in this case, the undisputed fact that the world was created 6000 years ago, and you should be able to come up with the only logical conclusion that makes sense: nothing 235 million years old was found at the foundations of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City.”

News Sense News is a satirical blog that likes to, well, make fun of things.

Tom Cruise Unifies Gravity with Quantum Mechanics

In a surprise revelation, today, Top Gun and Mission Impossible star Thomas Cruise Mapother IV announced that he has discovered the missing equation linking Gravity to Quantum Mechanics which scientists of the century have been struggling in vain to derive.

“I was surprised too,” the star confessed. “I was doodling on a paper napkin in my bunker, listening to the news for signs of the upcoming alien apocalypse, and the revelation came to me. I wrote it down. And then it hit me. This was something I didn’t want to have on paper! It was too dangerous. I tore the napkin into small pieces, burned the pieces, and scattered the ashes in the wind.”

He then hummed “Dust in the Wind” to himself.

We were slightly surprised by Tom’s actions. The action star looked at us suspiciously, and then warned us.

“I have this essential knowledge deep inside my head now. This is something mankind desperately needs. No harm of any kind should come to me, or this knowledge will be lost forever.”

We were curious how the famous action hero ended up in a position to make this critical discovery.

“Well, look, “ explained Cruise. “I spend a lot of time, you know – thinking. That’s how I know so much. Thinking makes you come up with things.”

What other things has Cruise been thinking about?

“True, Quartum Mechanics isn’t the only thing I think about,” admitted Cruise, slightly mispronouncing the term. “I mean, Quartums are important, but they are only part of the important things. There are other things, more important things, that are equally important, if not more, if you know what I mean.”

We wanted to know when, if at all, Mr. Cruise would reveal his discovery.

“When the time is right,” Cruise said. “And until then, I, alone, will be the keeper of this life-changing secret.”

Kansas: The First State to Teach Correct Theory of Babies

Today, the State of Kansas reported that they are removing from school curricula all material suggesting that babies are a result of sexual reproduction in favor of the more accurate theory that babies are being delivered by storks.

“Finally,” said Fiona Dogson, “the State has started to open its eyes to the Truth.”

“It is difficult to imagine that for so many years schools taught children that something as shameful and indecent as sex could result in the creation of a human being,” she added.

What prompted the sudden progressive move?

“It wasn’t as sudden as it should have been,” said Kanzas City resident Charles Doughwin, “even though, rationally speaking, there had never been a satisfactory scientific explanation how exactly sex might result in the creation of a baby.”

Professors of Biology at University of Kanzas also threw in their weight behind the new theory.

“There is a very clear statistical correlation between the number of storks and the number of babies,” explained Professor Gottlieb, Emeritus. “They are both on the rise in rural areas, and they are both on the decline in urban environments.”

“Additionally,” he added, “we have amassed significant number of documented cases, in which sex did not, I repeat, did not at all result in the creation of a human being.”

Asked if it is possible that birth control was used in any of these cases, Professor Gottlieb crossed himself, spit inside his shirt, and whispered “God, why would anyone even consider the idea? They’d be burning in hell for Eternity!”

“Let’s not forget!” joined in the Reverend Father Itziotis, “that there is also one, but in fact a very very important example of a human being that was not a result of sex. HE was, in fact, born as a result of immaculate conception! I know it, you know it, everyone in the world knows it. The Holy Book does not state, however, that he had not been brought in by a stork. This remains a clear possibility.”

“The stork theory is simple and logical,” jumped in to his help Martha Maddalena. “It offers answers, where science does not.”

The State of Kansas is proud to be the first state, where the correct theory of babies will finally be taught in schools so that our children are not misled by dogmatic scientific thinking.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.