Second Amendment Upheld in Texas

Nucleus_Cartoon_2

Today, Texan High Court upheld the right of the American people to own weapons-grade Uranium at home.

“The Second Amendment is clear,” said Justice Neil Shelley. “Americans have the right to bear arms so they can protect themselves when their safety is threatened. The amendment does not in any way, shape or form specify what types of arms. It is therefore lawful for residents to own weapons-grade Uranium as a means of protection or deterrent.”

“Of course,” he added, “it may be unreasonable for a family to own a weapon that can obliterate more than, say, several city blocks. An average family of eight would likely, and hopefully, never need this kind of firepower. Still, should the need arise, a family should have access to weapons as powerful as they need.”

Wilhelm Wynacht a resident of Abilene, TX, applauded the decision too.

“This helps me sleep better at night,” he said. “Many may not know, but only several blocks from my house, there lives a man called Ahmet Hussein. I found this disturbing fact completely by chance, when I was passing near his mailbox. Without weapons-grade Uranium at home, what is to stop someone like him from strapping on a suicide vest and blowing himself up at my kids’ school?”

Asked if it’s possible that Mr Hussein may be American born and thus entitled to have access to the same stockpiles, Mr. Wynacht laughed.

“You are joking, right? What American would name his child Ahmet?”

His neighbors Adolph and Greta Hettler, both fifth generation Americans, nodded in agreement.

Glen Ashburn, a private investor in the American weapons industry also chimed in. “This is a decisive victory for Democracy,” he said. “It clears the way for families to purchase Uranium enrichment centrifuges for their basements and back yards, a freedom that many have fought hard to earn. Of course, there will be flexible payment plans.”

Asked why other countries are not allowed the same freedoms, Glen explained in simple terms. “Freedom is a prerogative only of civilized nations. They, alone, have the privilege of having decent, law-abiding citizens. You can’t give a weapon to someone who might use it to cause harm.”

Anti-gun advocacy groups have expressed concern that the new law may result in higher risk of accidental or even deliberate deaths due to detonations of make-shift nuclear devices or radiation exposure.

“Well, of course, risks exist, just as with anything else,” said an unidentified Government official, who insisted on remaining anonymous due to pending litigation for bribery and corruption. “You sell someone a pencil, and they could stick it in their eye. Where will we end up if we stop selling pencils to our people? Or, for that matter, if we stop selling?”

He declined to comment on an unrelated question involving a large deposit of money into an offshore account, since, technically, for tax purposes, he is not obligated to report it.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news, that aims, among other things, to mock and ridicule ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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