“Obama Shat in My Pants”, Mitch McConnell

On Friday, 9/30/16, Senate Majority Leader and United States Senator from Kentucky Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell found an unexpected piece of excrement in the seat of his pants. The piece had presumably appeared there the day before during his participation in one of the increasingly infrequent sessions of the United States Senate.

“I have no idea how it got there,” Mr. McConnell was quoted stating. “I mean, I did what I usually do in these sessions. Usually, what I produce is placed in the seat of other people’s pants. But this time, this didn’t happen. It’s disgusting, really.”

While Mr. McConnell feels “strange” about what happened, he is clear and obvious to him who is to blame.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this was Obama’s doing,” said McConnell. “Not a shred of doubt,” he stated with his characteristic long-faced stare. “Obama is the one who shat in my pants.”

Source: Senators Blame Obama for Not Helping Them Understand Their Own Bill

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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Analysis: Ted Finally Gets it Right!

Republican National Convention 2016 in Cleveland, OH, could one day be viewed as a turning point in the career of U.S. Senator and former Republican Presidential candidate Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz.

It is during this convention when Cruz, being one of the few speakers outside of Donald Trump’s immediate family whom Republicans had been able to convince to give a speech, apparently made his first ever accurate and politically insightful statement.

“Vote your conscience!” said Cruz in an uncharacteristic bout of lucidity and vision.

Political Analyst and NSN reporter Jerald Lindgren was the first one to notice the unexpected event.

“Amazing, amazing!” he tweeted shortly after the statement, not being able to contain his excitement. “Cruz. No one expected! So soon! Turning point!”

It is unclear whether Cruz was aware of the uncharacteristic depth of what he had just said, or whether the spontaneous statement had come as a surprise to him too. He has, after all, been in Politics for more than 17 years. It is possible that all these years of experience had finally rewarded him, resulting in his first ever true statement. But then again, it is also possible that his statement had been pure luck of the moment.

Irrespective, in a Convention dominated by anger, paranoia and lies, Mr. Cruz’ statement stands as a lone beacon of truth and sanity.

Congratulations to Mr. Ted Cruz for being, for the first time ever, right!

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Diverse Crowd Attending the RNC

This year’s Republican National Convention in Cleveland, OH, featured a diverse crowd cheering for the recently anointed Republican Presidential Nominee Donald John Trump.

There were people wearing blue, white, or even gray shirts and jackets. A few had ties, and some wore nametags.

“This is us!” said emotional current Speaker of the House and RNC moderator Paul Davis Ryan, looking at the diversity of genders and hairstyles. “These are the people we represent. These are the people for which we will make America great again.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

Gingrich: I Butt-Dialed Tweet on Muslims

A defiant and unapologetic former U.S. Representative and Presidential Candidate Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich today offered a simple and logical explanation of how he ended up tweeting a controversial tweet, which stated that the U.S. should be “testing” all resident Muslims and deporting those that are sympathetic to strict version of Islamic or “sharia” law.

The tweet was a reprise of Gingrich’s earlier Fox News statement that made the same claim, a claim, Gingrich has argued, had been “misunderstood”.

“It was a mistake,” explained Gingrich.

The tweet had come out of his cell phone, while his phone was in the back pocket of his pants.

“You know, sometimes, your phone activates itself,” said Gingrich. “And when you move around, you and up pushing some buttons. It looks like I butt-dialed that tweet without even realizing it,” he said with a smile.

Some have attempted to argue, that the chances of Mr. Gingrich actually butt-dialing a coherent tweet, which, moreover, contains a statement that he previously made on national TV, are astronomically small.

“Chances-shmances,” said Gingrich, “Sometimes I butt-dial more coherent tweets than the tweets I actually type.”

He also stated that this has nothing to do with Astronomy.

So, is Mr. Gingrich taking back the offensive and, in fact, unconstitutional statement he made inadvertently?

“Oh, come on,” he laughed. “I can’t be responsible for what comes out of my backside.”

He then made a victory sign and shouted “Make America Great Again!”

We thanked him for his time.

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Reference: The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution explicitly “prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion or impeding the free exercise of religion.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Melania Trump: “I was Born Black”

Time constraints did not allow Mrs. Melania Trump to deliver the full speech she had prepared all by herself for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, where her husband, the reality TV star Donald John Trump, is expected to be nominated as the Republican candidate for the U.S. Presidency.

Fortunately, sources familiar with the original draft were able to provide us with highlights of what Mrs. Trump had intended to share about her experiences, which shaped her perceptions of the world and made her the unique, original and intelligent person she now is.

“I was raised Black in the suburbs on the South Side of Chicago,” Mrs. Trump shared in a stunning revelation about her early childhood. “My parents taught me how to work hard, that my word is my bond, and how to treat people with dignity and respect.”

“I was fortunate to go to Princeton University,” Mrs. Trump’s speech continued despite the fact that she does not hold a college degree, “and later, to the Law School at Harvard University.”

In one of her discarded draft highlights, Mrs. Trump recounted her chance encounter with her now husband and presidential candidate Donald John Trump.

“When I met Barack Donald back in 1990 1998,” Mrs. Trump’s original draft read, clearly showing a few small factual corrections made by Mrs. Trump to better align with the facts, “he was a young starry eyed idealist, who was devastatingly charming and intelligent.“

The couple married in 1992 2005, and had been married ever since, to her and everyone else’s great surprise.

It is, indeed, regrettable that the Republican National Convention attendees could not hear Mrs. Trump’s speech in its entirety, since the thoughtfully written original piece would have further solidified the already shockingly solid impression that Republican delegates have of the Trump family.

Mrs. Trump has, however, promised, that if her husband is promoted to President, she would take time on national TV to tell the American people the entire story.

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Source: (CNN) Melania Trump “Borrows” Heavily from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Speech for Republican Convention

Source: (CNN) Trump Campaign Denies Similarities Between Speeches

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Pokemon GO Not Allowed in Republican National Convention

It’s official: the popular augmented reality smartphone app Pokemon GO will NOT be allowed in the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.

“We can’t afford to have our delegates wandering around the Convention center, searching for Pokespots, collecting Pokeballs, or trying to cover distance so they can incubate and hatch Pokemon eggs during scheduled speeches,” stated House Speaker Paul Davis Ryan. “It’s been difficult to find speakers willing to dedicate time from their usually idle daily schedules to speak at the convention as is.”

Ryan acknowledged that in the past, games and other entertainment had been allowed at the convention.

“Republican delegates do need to keep themselves entertained during the typically 45 minute long speeches or sessions,” he acknowledged. “It’s tough on their attention span to listen to an entire speech, particularly because they already know that Latinos are rapists and Muslims are terrorists.”

However, this time, unprecedented precautions needed to be taken.

“Cleveland, Ohio is an open-carry state,” explained Ryan. “It may be too dangerous if a delegate wanders off mistakenly outside the premises, lured by a lucrative Pokemon capture at a landmark, and gets accidentally shot. Hence the Pokemon GO ban.”

What are the chances of such an accidental death?

“It’s hard to tell,” said Ryan. “It is illegal to collect data on gun deaths, so, fortunately, we have no idea.”

But he acknowledged that it’s prudent to exercise basic precaution.

“Any random gun owner out there may be drunk, or upset, or even intentionally homicidal,” he said. “We can’t just risk delegates getting outside unprotected when they feel they want to toss a few Pokeballs around.”

Still, he expressed confidence that security was doing all they could. Specifically, the entrants to the convention’s 1.7 square mile secure zone are prohibited from bringing, swords, hatchets, axes, slingshots, BB guns, pellet guns, kinder eggs and metal knuckles (read full list of prohibited items in the CNN article here) and now, the Pokemon GO app.

Entrants are, naturally, still allowed to openly hold live firearms (refer to same CNN article here for confirmation).

“Of course, ” said Ryan. “Absolutely, positively, 100%, of course. We are not going to infringe on the Second Amendment, or, alternatively, ever risk to upset our sponsor, the NRA, who wants to make sure no one, ever, under any circumstance, is prevented from purchasing a lethal weapon.”

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Article is based on following CNN story: Security Fears Mount Ahead of GOP Convention
Also relevant: RNC, Guns OK, Tennis Balls Not

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Sanford: “I Would Rather Have an Idiot Than Clinton”

On Thursday, 7/7/16, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald John Trump vowed to House Republicans to uphold Constitution Articles 1 through 12.

There are only 7.

“I think it was the normal stream of consciousness that’s long on hyperbole and short on facts,” South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford said after the meeting.

(Read original 1 pm news here)

Still, he stood firmly behind the Republican nominee.

“I would rather have a complete idiot than Clinton,” he said. “I would rather have a racist, sexist, misogynistic asshole than Clinton. I would rather have a perverted rapist of 13 year olds. I would rather have a neo-Nazi. I would rather have an incompetent buffoon. Anything is better than Clinton,” he said.

Asked about his reasoning, he simply said.

“You heard about the emails. She mishandled them.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Trump Announces That He Will be His Own VP

After what appeared to be significant vetting of what he called “a variety of mediocre options”, the presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump has finally come up with a running mate: Donald Trump.

“Look, folks,” he said to a group of shocked reporters, “I looked everywhere. Everywhere. And I asked everyone. Everyone who made sense. And you know what? They were all bad. All bad. Terrible.”

The failed search did not discourage the intrepid presidential nominee. The apparent impasse he was in gave birth to an idea.

“I asked myself,” Trump shared, “who is the only one in the world, the only one who can be a worthy running mate to the greatest president the United States is ever going to have. And the answer was obvious.”

“Donald John Trump!” he announced. “That’s right. I am going to be my own Vice President. And it will be tremendous. I tell you, folks, it will be tremendous.”

We consulted our legal team to the constitutionality of Donald Trump’s decision, and they shrugged.

“The constitution does not prohibit it,” they said. “This means it’s allowed.”

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

North Korea Re-Endorses Donald Trump for President

On Thursday, 07/06, DPRK Today, the Government-sponsored Editorial of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), also commonly known as North Korea, re-stated their enthusiastic endorsement of Republican Presidential candidate Donald John Trump as their preferred choice for U.S. President.

(Read The Huffington Post News of the DPRK’s original endorsement or the actual DPRK Today article (Korean))

Trump is a “wise politician” and a “far-sighted presidential candidate”, the DPRK article stated. He is insightful as well as handsome. He, alone, would be the best thing that could happen to the Democratic People’s Republic. Ever.

We were able to sneak in a carefully disguised reporter into the DPRK, who, in turn, was able to provide us with a realistic idea of the general sentiment on the ground.

“I’m euphoric,” said DPRK citizen Pak Pong-ju, who limped across a city square, leaning on a wooden stick that he used as a cane. “I’ve been skipping along the street all day. The news of Donald Trump’s nomination is the best thing I’ve heard for years!”

“My heart is singing,” said Song Do-Hui, a thin, malnourished young lady wearing a ragged T-shirt with a large red star. “This is the day our Communist fathers predicted will come.”

“Never before have I woken up with such a feeling with optimism!” exclaimed Huang Pyong-so, an elderly, homeless man, who had just been told the news by the driver of the garbage truck who came to collect the garbage behind which Huang was sleeping.

The country’s Supreme Leader and Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea Kim Jong-un also expressed his happiness in a televised speech.

“Comrades!” he stated. “We may very well be close to our goal. Very, very close. All we need to do is hope, as we have hoped for generations, that Donald Trump is elected President of our mortal capitalist enemy, the United States of America. On that day, finally, we will see our decades-old dreams realized.”

He declined to comment on the nature of the said dreams, but re-affirmed his certainty that other great leaders such as Iran’s Supreme Leader, Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei, would also echo his enthusiastic endorsement of possible Trump presidency.

Source: Huffington Post, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/north-korea-donald-trump-editorial_us_574d94c6e4b055bb1172a366

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness. As it is the case for this post, it is frequently based on real news, and not that far from it.

Trump: I Would be a Better Boxer than Ali

Following his Thursday night statement that he would be a better choice for women than female Presidential nominee, feminist, and women’s rights champion Hillary Rodham Clinton,  presumptive Republican nominee Donald John Trump stated that he would make a better boxer than recently diseased heavyweight world champion and boxing legend Muhammad Ali.

“You know this is true, folks,” said Trump. “You know it is true. You tell me, who is a better boxer than Donald Trump?”

Asked if he had ever boxed in his life, Trump said.

“Look, I don’t talk about it, ok?” he said. “I’m just gonna do it. I’ll do it. People tell me that all the time. I’m just gonna do it. And it will be tremendous.”

Later that day, Trump went on to further claim that he would also be a better singer than American rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley.

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News Sense News is a satirical blog of fake news that aims to criticize and ridicule human ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

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